Wednesday 6 December 2017

Day 508

It's been over 2 weeks since I wrote my diary. To begin with it felt great, like I was free of it, which is stupid because its something I've chosen to do , needed to do mostly, but I'd hit a wall so I stopped.

But I think 2 weeks is enough as I'm back. And I'm sad. And lonely. And upset.

I've cried quite a bit today. It filled the 2 hour round trip to work quite nicely. I guess it's Christmas. All the talk of shopping and organising and people being busy busy busy.  Then there's me. Alone unless I'm at work, not a bauble in sight. And yes I know I could decorate, millions of solo dwellers do, but for me I feel "what's the fucking point?"

I hate that I feel like this.  He's creeping back into my pea brain of course. I hate him, I wish I could be brain washed to forget him. But no such luck.

I'm thinking I want to spend Christmas day as though it isn't happening again. Rewind 365 days and I'm saying the same thing.  The logistics with my toddler niece and my dogs are not going to work for me. Last year they stayed in the boot of my estate car all day and came out whenever the baby went for a nap. Which was alot. This year theres no comfy spacious estate and the baby is mobile and not napping. Great. My parents live 30 miles away, I can't pop home to the dogs.  I will have to have a couple of hours of Christmas then go home to an empty house with no decorations while the rest of the world is enjoying themselves.  It would be far less painful if I didn't go at all. For me that is. It would make my sister feel bad which isn't fair as of course her child comes first.

I really feel like there is no actual point to my life. Nobody would miss me if I wasn't here, I wouldn't leave a hole. My family would be upset initially if something happened to me but they'd get on with it I'm sure.  I never hardly see any of them anyway. It's a struggle every day and what's the point. Work to live, not live to work. I'm not exactly living. Just existing, slowly dying each day.

God thats morbid. And I'm also embarrassed as the "family I hardly see" just text to ask if I want to meet for lunch at the weekend. Good old mum, checking I'm still alive.

I think that's enough now. Any more self pity tears and I really will look like The Grinch in the morning.

Monday 20 November 2017

Day 492

I've been absent for a few days. 5 to be precise.

I've been suffering from a horrible cold so took the opportunity to ween myself off from my daily diary and it was ok. Mostly thanks to the distracting snot, sinus pain, ear and tooth ache but abstinence is abstinence!

Having a cold is so depressing. It's so minor...just a cold. I almost feel embarrassed to be knocked for six by one. I had to stay home from work on Friday it was so bad.  The inability to breathe or sleep does not make getting up at 4.30 in the morning and heading out in the cold to the stables that easy to manage. And of course there's nobody at home now that I can rely on to help me if I'm not feeling well. Not that the help I had before was worth much..but it was more than I've got now. 

So on Friday I stayed off work but still had to get to the horses. I set off around 7.30 having had barely any sleep and feeling really rough. It was not the morning to tolerate men in vans beeping their horn at me for no reason. So I lost it. Whilst in a jam on an almost single track lane, with said van almost beside me, I opened my window and let rip. I can't recall the exact sequence of events but I do know there was plenty of fucks, some twats, almost certainly some dickheads, a moron or two. Not sure about the C word but I use it like I do oxygen so it's probable. I recall I ended my rant with a fucking knob face to which the van full of 3 men broke into hysterics. At this point I closed my window and proceeded to mutter to myself with a lot of head shaking. 

Not my proudest moment and I'm very lucky that I didn't get thumped...or worse. Mind you so are they! 

So the weekend was spent freezing out with the horses then resting up at home and feeling sorry for myself. Not all that different to a normal weekend. Except with added snot. Today I was back at work and feeling much better although it's still lingering a bit. 

It's Alfie dogs 17th birthday today and I'm quite proud that I've cared for him so long although at this precise moment he is whining and driving me mad !!

Thoughts of Christmas Day are creeping in. Last year Gavin phoned me in tears me close to midnight and I was really pissed off. This year I know I will be pissed off when he doesn't phone me. Even though I don't want him to. Life is confusing. 

Wednesday 15 November 2017

Day 487

I enjoyed yesterday's diary entry so much that it feels a bit naff to write about how tired I am today etc. So I won't write anything.

Other than to say I've had a lovely response to yesterday's facts and that I'm not the only toe counter!

Tuesday 14 November 2017

Day 486. 7 Facts about Me.

This diary entry is going to be something different to the norm.

A friend on Twitter tagged me in a challenge to reveal 7 facts about myself. My first thought was that there isn't anything I haven't revealed about myself while writing my diary.  But with a little more thought I realise that all I have written in my diary revolves around me the poor victim of a cheating partner. Tears, drama, moaning, catastrophes and lots and lots of poo. Of the canine and equine variety I should just clarify.

So this entry is going to be about me. The me that isn't ruled by all of the above as all that shit doesn't really define me, at least I don't want to. Before I get started let me introduce myself. My name is Sarah, I'm 42 and I live in Devon. Here are some facts that you will not know about me. I can't promise they're interesting, but they're real.

Here we go.

Birth
Ok don't panic, this is not going to be a 5,000 page autobiography charting my entire life but the beginning seems a good place to, well, begin.  I was born in Queen Charlottes Hospital in London.  Soon after it was discovered that I had a defect and it was determined to be a form of spina bifida. I don't know the actual name of the defect I have as I never bothered to find out. I spent quite a bit of time visiting Great Ormond Street Hospital as a child and one year my annual visit actually turned out to be major surgery on my back. Again not sure exactly what was what but I believe it was something along the lines of untwisting some nerves or some such. I haven't had too many problems since but I do have a "lump" on my lower back just above my bum and it is unsightly and makes me large arse look even larger. I also have a huge scar.

School
You'll miss it when you're older. Best days of your life. We've all heard it. But do we ever listen? Hell no. I rarely went to school. I was a shit. A demon child and nobody was going to tell me what to do. I was extremely clever and that was half of the problem, yet I left school with no qualifications at all. But I had a good time. I was suspended from school twice and then expelled a month or so before the summer holidays. Gee! What punishment. 2 or 3 months off school dossing about. My poor parents. I cringe now thinking about it.

Feet
Nobody likes feet, myself included. Not even my own. They're big and ugly and I won't mention the h word (sounds like fairy). Yet I have this problem with toes. I have to count them. If I see feet I have to count the toes. I try not to look as I know it's weird and I have no idea where I've got it from but there it is. If you show me your feet I will count your toes.

Soy Medio Espanol
If you use Google translate, the way I did, you should see that I am half Spanish. This is because my my mum is from Spain. I have almost no family in the UK but a huge family in Spain that I don't really know. As a child I was a beautiful olive skinned Mediterranean muneca and it was clear that I was a little bit spicy. Nowadays I am mostly grey and barely recognisable as human.

Alcohol
I enjoyed a drink when I was younger. See school above. Anything I could get my hands on. To this day the smell of red wine conjures up the memory of my 16th birthday and the 2 bottles I had drunk and subsequently puked down my shell suit while I lay on the floor of the village car park. As an adult I'm not much of a drinker for various reasons, so this fact is that I have never tried Prosecco, Tequila, Pimms or even had a  G&T.

Gingers
I'm partial to a ginger and I don't mean biscuits, they're rank! Ginger hair. I always fancy the ginger. I had a ginger boyfriend as a teen. I chased him for months and he finally asked me out. After a week or so he was too clingy so I chucked him. Another ginger I was obsessed with turned out to be doing dirty things with his sister. The poor gingers at school always had a hard time but look at them now with their gorgeousness. I have ginger hair envy. Add in blue eyes and freckles and I'm in!

The hippy hippy break
Not so much break but dislocate. Yes people at the ripe old age of 31 I dislocated my hip. I fell off my extremely mahoosive horse and landed on my feet. Twice. The second time my hip said seeya and snuck out the back. Of the joint that is. A nice ride in an ambulance, the max morphine available and a week in hospital later and I was a minor celebrity.  Doctors, nurses and students kept coming to look at the young healthy woman who had managed to dislocate the largest joint in her body. Who knew it was such a rareity! I spent 3 months wearing a brace that meant I couldn't be at 90 degrees and I never jumped my horse again.

So there we have it. 7 facts about me that don't involve the usual mumbling I present. I wish I was clever enough to include links to the other lovely ladies that are also doing this, alas I am not. I've no qualifications don't you know!



Monday 13 November 2017

Day 485

So I'm back. I managed one day not writing my diary and I felt like I'd lost a limb.

For a few months, since I moved house I guess, I've not had much to write as most of the pain and drama is behind me and lets be honest, writing a diary about putting the bins out or mopping the floor isn't really that interesting. So I decided to stop as I felt boring and committing it to paper was embarrassing.

But I've realised that I do still need it. Even if nobody's reading I still need to feel like I've  told somebody about my day.

So today for the first time in ages I cried. Perhaps its the time of year, Christmas is approaching. I don't really give a stuff about Christmas, it's one expensive and inconvenient day that's been so totally commercialised that it's become a bore. Other people on social media seem to be feeling it too, maybe it's rubbed off on me a bit, which makes me wonder if my moaning for the past 400 plus days has had an affect on anybody else? Sorry if so.

So I cried loudly for the duration of my 60 minute drive home from work to my empty house and my daily routine. Nothing changes apart from the unlucky shit that happens. I felt sorry for myself, alone, sad, resentful. Thinking about Gavin again, the stupid fuck. It's not that I'm missing him, it's the gap that I have. The hole thats left behind that I usually keep  hidden and covered over with my boring daily life. But it's always there. Lurking.

I hate that I don't know what he's doing. I want him to be lonely and miserable but he's probably loved up and happy with grab a granny or some other skank he's found. I hate that I even care. Arghg I don't  care really I just....I don't know what I feel.  Stupid mostly for still going on about it such a long time later.  I'm his past yet he's still my present no matter how far I've come since last year.

So one day without my diary and I'm a whimpering wreck crying about the same old crap and the same useless cheating waste of space. It looks like I'm back.

Saturday 11 November 2017

Day 483

So I've decided to stop my daily diary.

I'm boring. I have nothing to write about. I started this as therapy for myself 21 days after my fiance disappeared off the face of the earth. It worked. I'm ok, mostly, and apart from the shit luck that follows me around, all the drama is done with.

This has been a huge help for me. Reading back some of my earlier entries I don't recognise the pitiful writer, which is bizarre and quite upsetting. This experience has brought me friends and a support system that are always there even though I've never met them, and for that I am so thankful.

I'll still dip in and out and hopefully one day I'll have some nice stuff to write, but for now......

Friday 10 November 2017

Day 482

So I just typed out a long entry for today and managed to delete it all.

I'm done.

Thursday 9 November 2017

Day 481

I started to write today's entry earlier this  eveninh but I got distracted. Now I'm too tired.

Wednesday 8 November 2017

Day 480

Too tired
Car fixed
That is all

Tuesday 7 November 2017

Day 479

Tears driving to work and walking from the car park. I barely breathed the whole hours drive but I made it.  I had everything crossed that the garage could fit me in today but no, not til tomorrow.

But I made it home safely and somebody did the horses for me so I didn't have the extra journey. No avoiding it tomorrow though, my alarm is set for 5am.

So early night for me. Not even 9.30 and I'm in bed with my electric blanket. Heaven!

Monday 6 November 2017

Day 478

I rang a load of garages this morning trying to find one that had a spare courtesy car but there were none. How bloody inconvenient.

I had to phone my boss and rant down the phone at him about how badly damaged my car engine is, that Google says its the crankshaft and pistons and something called blow by, all terminal issues that meant I couldn't go to work.

When the breakdown man turned up to tow me to my chosen courtesy car free garage he had a look under the bonnet, found the oil cap that had blown off and proceeded to inform me that the problem with my car was that it has no oil in it because the oil cap I was sold recently was the wrong one and didn't fit, hence it came off and all the oil came out. How much of a moron did I feel? I was so embarrassed, especially as I'd also ranted at him when he'd arrived about crankshaft and pressure blowing the cap off.

But he was understanding and extraordinarily kind as he said he would go to the scrap yard between jobs and find me the correct part. And he did. He came back this afternoon and refused to take any money. Sadly I took the car out round the block and although it's definitely better it's still not right. Normal service resumes tomorrow so I'll just have to keep everything crossed.

Sunday 5 November 2017

Day 477

I was absolutely dreading driving my car today but I had to at least try to  get to the stables. I left the dogs at home as I fully anticipated breaking down and having my car towed to a closed garage. So much so that I left the house with a note already written to put through the garage letterbox with the key in an envelope.

Thankfully I made it there and back safely although I think the car is now fucked.

So I'm in the same position again. Carless, feeling helpless. But mostly feeling pissed off.

Saturday 4 November 2017

Day 476

I had such a good sleep last night after  getting up early all week.

I spent a lovely morning with the horses and went back again this afternoon via a nice walk with the dogs. On my way back, thankfully nearly home, my car decided to take poorly and we limped home the last mile. I can't believe my bad luck.  Tomorrow I have to go back to the stables to let the horses out and I'm dreading driving. I think that I will break down again. It's never ending.

Tonight I've been bored out of my mind so I've switched on the old lady electric blanket and gone to bed before 10pm. I'm living the dream.

Friday 3 November 2017

Day 475

This morning I got up at 4.30. It was the easiest morning I've had all week despite being the earliest . I did go to bed extra early last night but its now 9.30 at night and I'm only just feeling a bit tired.

I expect it will catch up with me tomorrow.

This evening with Alfie has been better. He's been less frantic and I've been less tired so that's a relief.

I bought an electric blanket today. I am ashamed. Also disappointed that it's not so cold tonight so I haven't used it. It's a single one for one side of my bed.  Shows how optimistic I am....not!

Thursday 2 November 2017

Day 474

9pm and I've come up to bed in tears just to get away from the dog.

I've had enough, I can't cope. I have no life  and I don't know what to do.

I can't go anywhere, not even upstairs to the loo never mind actually out. I can't get off the sofa to adjust the angle of the TV as that means he's up off the sofa too and I have to pick him up and put him back. But I must sit too. The crying is driving me insane. Tonight he pee'd all over my new floor. I can't go to my works or stables Christmas do. Fuck knows about Christmas day as I cannot take him to my mums and I can't leave him at home. My only option....stay home alone and pretend its not Christmas?

I was worried I was moving to a rough area but its me that's the asbo neighbour. I'm shouting and swearing all the time.

It's too much. I didn't think about the lifespan when I went to get a puppy.  I didn't know it would be nearly 20 years.

If I make the decision now it will be selfish and it would haunt me.  But my quality of life is zero. Shite. I'm a prisoner in my own piss and shit stinking home. I can't even get a good night's sleep. The 4.30am barking was brought forwards to 12.30 last night.

I love him but I hate him. It's very hard and very sad, for both of us.

Wednesday 1 November 2017

Day 473

Another early 5am start today. I was almost getting dressed at 3.50am as I  came downstairs to let the barking dog out and hadn't changed the clock on the microwave.

Thankfully I realised and went back to bed for an hour.

So this morning I mucked out 2 horses, walked the dogs, fed them, mopped the kitchen floor, drove 44 miles, went to Tesco for a few things, took my car to the garage and left it there so they could put 2 new tyres on it then headed into work after stopping at the sorting office to collect the post and finally arrived at my desk at about 8.45am.

On paper I am fucking amazing!

Had lovely cuddles with a Beagle  puppy this afternoon which made the day much better.

Tonight I'm knackered. Tomorrow I have 3 horses to do before work but no trip to the garage or Tesco so am aiming for 5am start again.

Off to bed I go.

Tuesday 31 October 2017

Day 472

No bad dreams
Argument with colleague
Cuddle with a baby
Out for lunch
Slow punctured tyre
Cold
Tired

Monday 30 October 2017

Day 471

Today was my first early start of the winter. 5am. I was at the stables by 5.35 and it was pitch black.

By the time I'd finished and was walking the dogs the sky was turning pink and it was beautiful.

Exhaustion has overcome me now though so that is all for today

Sunday 29 October 2017

Day 470

More dreams. Its becoming an issue now. I'm not sure if by worrying about dreaming of him I'm causing them myself. I don't know  what the solution is.

Today I met my mum for lunch. It felt good to put non work or stable scruffy clothes on. But I was glad to get home.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up at 5am to go to the horses before work. Of  course tonight my deaf neighbours have decided to watch a film in bed and it is loud. Sounds like Lord of the Rings. Just what I need. Not.

Saturday 28 October 2017

Day 469

I'm so exhausted. Last night's dream was about my ex of 10+ years ago. The one who commented on my facebook yesterday. It's predictable, I knew I would.

I spent a few hours with the horses this morning which was really nice. They're good for my soul. I'm so lucky yet they're totally wasted with me. But they have an easy life and they're happy so it's all good.

The rest of the day I've pretty much sat on my arse and binge watched a series on Netflix so I also now have a headache. I wanted to go to bed mid afternoon. If I wasn't  worried about pissy pants me and the dogs could have just gone for a siesta. But I'm not risking it again.

Clocks go back tonight so I'll be getting up for the barking dog anywhere between 2.30 and 4.30 in the morning. Fantastic.

Friday 27 October 2017

Day 468

So last night's attempt at a good night's sleep was a fail. My idea to take the dogs up to bed with me to protect me from the bad dreams was risky when one of them is elderly and incontinent. And he didn't disappoint me.

2 wee's later and I had another knackering night with the added benefit of having to wash all my bed sheets. Which l've  done but of course haven't put back on and now it's time for bed. Why does that always happen? It's so annoying.

Tonight the dogs can stay downstairs and I'll sleep with the light on if I'm scared.

Today a former long term boyfriend, fiance in fact, commented on a Facebook photo I shared of Alfie dog. We got him and his brother when we were together. He creeps out every now and again.  I havent seen him for about 12 years. We were together for almost 10. It ended abruptly. Suddenly. And yet now I'd  be quite interested in having a proper conversation with him, meeting even. To catch up and find out how his life is. But I could never imagine doing that with Gavin. In 12 years time I will still hate him and I will never forgive him. Bastard.

Thursday 26 October 2017

Day 467

I had such a horrible scary non-Gavin related dream last night. I was awake for hours with the light on. I felt like shit this morning.

But I made it through the day.

Tonight I started to watch a film before I realised it was supernatural and scary (to me) as hell. So now I'm exhausted and scared to go to bed by myself.

So I'm risking it..and keeping everything crossed that Alfie doesn't pee, or worse, in my bed.

Wednesday 25 October 2017

Day 466

Too tired today.

Work, horses, dogs. Dinner at 9pm. And the winter routine hasn't even started yet. How did I manage it last year with everything that was going on?

Must. Sleep.

Tuesday 24 October 2017

Day 465

No bad dreams last night. I'm still exhausted though, I don't know how I'll  manage the early winter starts in a couple of weeks.

And yet I still can't go to bed early.

Monday 23 October 2017

Day 464

My mind is playing nasty tricks on me still. I woke up in tears this morning, crying out loud with tears running down my face.

More Gavin dreams. It's always the same. We're together but he's horrible and acting suspicious and then he leaves. It's always him, Gavin, but sometimes he looks like my ex of 10+ years ago. It's unsettling and cruel and I wish it would stop. I think last night was because of a TV programme I watched that had cheating in it. Will it ever  go away?

I ended up spending the day absolutely exhausted but come 10pm I don't feel like going to bed.

The Walking Dead was back on tonight. The second series of it that I've watched on my own. I didn't mind..I don't mind being alone mostly.  I just wish the dreams would fuck off!

Sunday 22 October 2017

Day 463

Sunday.

2 trips to the stables. 1 trip to the phone shop. £300 later and I'm reminded that I don't like change and I'm not very good with technology especially as my memory is so bad nowadays.

So for the forseeable future I'll be carting 2 phones around with me. Like a drug dealer.

Back to work tomorrow to witness the ongoing favouritism of the bosses son. I must just focus on the payrise I had and bite my tongue. But it won't be easy. I can feel resentment creeping in and thats not good.

I managed not to do any damage to my car today. In fact I put air in the tyres. And I remembered to put the caps back on.

Saturday 21 October 2017

Day 462

Waste of a Saturday today

- Dreamt of Gavin all night
- Stayed in bed til 9.30
- Went to the phone shop
- Left the phone shop as 2 : 50 ratio of  
  staff to customers was not appealing
- Bought a water bucket for the stables
- Paid a garage to change a car headlight
  bulb
- Walked the dogs
- Mucked out and fed 3 horses
- Reversed into a stony bank (must get
  garage to fix back window de-mister so I
  can see where the fuck I'm reversing)
- Made macaroni cheese
- Watched TV
- Bed

The End.

Friday 20 October 2017

Day 461

Second diary entry of the day. Not because I have anything interesting to write about but because my day numbers will be cocked up if I don't.

Maybe something interesting will happen tomorrow.

Thursday 19 October 2017

Day 461

I forgot to write in my diary last night so this is really day 462 but my neurosis won't let me skip a number.

Nothing happened yesterday. Work was crap. The bosses son, the trainee, is being given opportunities that nobody else is and I had to highlight this to him for my own peace of mind. It fell on deaf ears but at least I said my bit. Thankfully neither of them are going to be in work today so I shouldn't get too wound up.

What is winding me up is my phone. It's 2.5 years old now and starting to have problems. I have no patience for frozen screens or waiting for my typing to catch up with me. I need a new one but this was always Gavin's domain. I don't really care so long as it does what I need it to and doesn't cost me too much. But I can't get a new phone because I can't decide what to do. There are too many and even the crappest ones are expensive. So I'm irritated. I'm also irritated by my IPad which is really old and so slow it would be quicker to do this diary entry with smoke signals. I have no patience. For anything.

Because the weather was bad overnight I had to get up at 4.30 to go to the horses. It's now just after 7am and I've been home around 20 minutes. I've mucked out 3 stables, walked the dogs, fed them, now having a cup of tea before showering and heading off on my 26 mile journey to do a full days work in the office. I predict grumpiness.

Wednesday 18 October 2017

Day 460

My stress levels are at defcon 1.

Alfie is whining and crying, up and down from the sofa, in and out from the garden. Looking for food, licking, chewing, heavy breathing. Then whining again. My nerves feel like they're about to snap.

At least his tummy seems a bit better and I'm not under as much threat of being crapped on.  What has my life come to?

Tuesday 17 October 2017

Day 459

Woke with a headache again today but thankfully no dog poo drama.

Not sure if it's the headache and feeling tired but he's crept into my thoughts today. I don't want him there. Ever. I can't believe how much time has passed and how different things are. Does he ever give me a second thought?

Unlikely..selfish bastard.

Monday 16 October 2017

Day 458

I'm in a world dog poo. Literally.

Old boy Alfie is leaking out of his butt. He can't help it. I can't stand it. Especially as he comes up to my bed for a couple of hours after he wakes me up barking at 4.30 each morning. Less than ideal.

It's been going on for a few days and is very stressful. No doubt the reason for todays migraine.  The weather is weird. The house is hot. I need to get some decent sleep tonight and avoid another headache tomorrow.

Sunday 15 October 2017

Day 457

I forgot to write my diary today. Good job I've had a boring day with nothing to record.

Saturday 14 October 2017

Day 456

I spent a lovely few hours with the horses today. I miss spending time with them. I always seem to be in a rush and just dont give them the attention they deserve. So today was good.

Nothing else going on.

Friday 13 October 2017

Day 455

10pm on Friday night and I'm in bed. Just to get away from the dog, the whining and confused little guy who's driving me insane.

No drama today thankfully. Tomorrow I plan to purchase a cheap lawnmower to cut the grass before winter. I think it will require some assembly. I predict a disaster.

Thursday 12 October 2017

Day 454

I'm embarrassed by my reaction to yesterdays car drama.

This morning I donned my rubber gloves and went to work under the bonnet mopping up as much spilt oil as I could. Then I had a shower, got ready for work and called a taxi to take me to and from the car parts shop. Voila. Problem solved.

The initial fear of being alone, helpless and vulnerable doesn't get any easier as the dramas go on. I'm adapting to single life really well. Until something happens to make me feel so alone.

So I overreacted. I cried. I ranted in my diary. I couldn't get to sleep for worrying about it. And then Hey Presto! £30 later and its all sorted.

Wednesday 11 October 2017

Day 453

I'm so upset with myself. With the world. With my life.

I'm utterly useless and my own worst enemy. Like an adult I put oil in my car at the weekend. Like a pea brained air head fucking idiot I didn't put the engine cap back on. Now under the bonnet of my car I have a river of oil following an explosion from the nice full oil tank and I made it home from work crapping my pants because I had smoke coming out from under the bonnet.

Seriously what kind of fuck wit forgets to put the cap back on.

So now I'm stranded at home. Alone. Friendless. Husbandless. Brainless! No bloody car, work miles away, horses abandoned.

I have to wait until the morning to ring around and try and find somewhere I can get one from. I've had to text my boss to explain and ask him not to sack me. He must be as sick of the Sarah Show as I am.

I'm fed up and upset. I don't even know why I bother to get up in the morning. To pay for a house that I don't get to share with anyone. To pay for horses I don't even ride. To pay for a car with smoke pouring out of it.

I feel a complete failure and I fucking hate Gavin.

Tuesday 10 October 2017

Day 452

More of the same today.
Stomach ache
Dog poo
Dog wee
TV

Monday 9 October 2017

Day 451

After another bad night and more upsetting dreams about Gavin leaving me (this time he was going off to Mississippi. Wtf?), I ended up calling in sick to work as I had awful stomach ache.

I hate calling in sick. I've done it quite a bit, I'm not healthy! I feel so guilty and also feel like my colleagues will think I was skiving. I have the same guilty complex while in posh shops, like they think I'm shoplifting.

I feel better now, the clues's in the amount of crap I ate tonight. I predict another stomach ache tomorrow.

Sunday 8 October 2017

Day 450

2 nights ago I woke up crying my eyes out because Gavin was leaving me and his girlfriend was pregnant. The same night I dreamt my house was haunted.

Last night I woke up so scared that I had to leave the light on for the rest of the night.

I don't know what's causing these upsetting dreams but I hope they're gone.

Today saw the installation of my window blinds. They took about 4 hours to put up. Most of this time was taken by my stepdad measuring, scratching his head and declaring it can't be done. I ended up shouting at him which wasn't very polite considering he was helping me out but it turns out it was motivational as lo and behold he managed to fit them. Perfectly.

Back to work tomorrow. Yawn.

Saturday 7 October 2017

Day 449

I've spent loads of money and got nothing to show for it today. Note to self: don't go on a spree when you've just bought a house.

I've also baked a cake. It's a packet mix but I'm still proud of myself. Although how the hell people make beautiful cakes is beyond me, mine looks like I've dropped it. But I'm sure it will taste lovely.

I'm looking forwards to my parents visiting tomorrow. They've not been here since moving week and I hope they like the difference.  I also hope step dad does all the jobs I've got lined up for him. Hence the cake. Bribery.

Friday 6 October 2017

Day 448

I am so bored.

I've been bored at work all day. I've only been home for a couple of hours tonight and I'm going insane. There's nothing on TV. I can't find anything on Netflix. I have nobody to talk to.

Bed it is for me!

Thursday 5 October 2017

Day 447

I literally have no life. Nothing to record in todays diary. I don't even have anything to moan about. Which I guess is a good thing.

Oh yes I do. The blinds I ordered for my living room windows arrived today. I ordered chalk white so they weren't too stark but next to the white walls they look beige. Great.

There I moaned after all.

Wednesday 4 October 2017

Day 446

Yawn fest.

Arseholes at work.
Crap Tom Cruise film.
Burnt Pizza

Tuesday 3 October 2017

Day 445

Today I feel like I want to hurt grab a granny. Send her some dog poo, damage her business by letting her customers know the nursery nurse is a slut.

I won't do any of it. It's just resentment I feel today because I remembered about her message to him on Facebook about his new wanky car. Bold as brass with no shame. It's making me angry just thinking about it. Solution? Don't think about it.

On a positive note I sorted the printer out and have an array of doggy and horsey photos lined up to be produced.

Monday 2 October 2017

Day 444

Absolutely nothing going on today.

Apart from moving 20 boxes, bin bags and a sofa bed around in one of the spare rooms all so I can connect up the printer. The printer I unwittingly bought Gavin for Christmas not knowing he'd just had sex with someone else. The printer I hid from him so he couldn't take it. Haha what a dick. Unfortunately my plans to sit in front of the TV and send photos upstairs to print are less than satisfying. It's not working properly and I can't be bothered to sort it out.

Elderly dog is driving me mad. I've felt close to breaking point tonight. I've shouted at him loads and feel really guilty. Thankfully he's quite deaf and probably unaware. He's so lovely and kind but fuck I want to snap his neck when he constantly whines and cries. And the paw licking..it's made my skin crawl tonight. I feel so awful having these thoughts about him. He loves me more than my own mother. It's heart breaking to see his back legs are starting to go like his brother's did last year. I can't bear to think about what's coming. December will be a year since his brother went. Oh god, please dont make me have to do it.

Sunday 1 October 2017

Day 443

Today while half heartedly unpacking some stuff I came across a) birthday cards to Gavin from me snd the dogs b) my engagement ring c) Gavins engagement ring.

I binned the cards, tried his ring on and didn't get get mine out of its box.

Its irritating that he's still here, infecting my new life. Luckily I'm immune to most of it now. But it's never ending! How people pick themselves up and start a new relationship within months is beyond me.

Back to work tomorrow..yawn!

Saturday 30 September 2017

Day 442

Lazy day.

A brief visit from my friend, the over paid work colleague, and 2 of her kids. The plumber was late but seems to have fixed the leak. Afternoon nap on the world's uncomfiest sofa.  Complete soaking in torrential rain.

Tomorrow...more of the same.

Friday 29 September 2017

Day 441

I have a problem with my memory. A serious problem. I need to see a doctor about it. I forget words, forget what I'm doing, find it hard to hold a conversation sometimes.

Today at work it caused a big argument. I have absolutely no recolletion of a conversation I supposedly had at the beginning of the week. I wanted to cry after he shouted at me to sort my brain and my memory out. I've been joking about it for a while but to hear somebody actually say that to me was really upsetting. Because its obviously become noticeable.

I tried to tell my mum about it a few weeks ago, how I thought in all seriousness I had early signs of Alzheimer's. She laughed at me, like it was a joke. I felt pretty dam small.

I really need to talk to a doctor but I just find them so useless and dismissive that it's really off putting.

Tomorrow my friend, the former overpaid work colleague, is driving over to see me. She's bringing 2 of her 3 children. I'm not looking forwards to it. The house is a tip, the dogs aren't child friendly. I have a man coming to look at a leak in the kitchen at the same time. I'm so used to being alone at home, 4 other people will feel suffocating.

God I'm such a miserable cow.

Thursday 28 September 2017

Day 440

Nothing going on.

Tescos delivery. 96 cans of dog food. 10 doughnuts.

That is all.

Wednesday 27 September 2017

Day 439

It's his birthday today.

I haven't been tempted to message him. I've barely given him a thought.

It's amazing to me that I can talk about it, about him,  without breaking down now. If it comes up in conversation I always wonder if the other person is cringing inside hoping I don't cry. There was a time when it didnt matter who you were or where I was. I was going to cry. Out loud.

But those days are long gone. Sometimes I do fee a little emotional but it's when I think on how I felt rather than him. It's hard to remember the physical pain it caused me at the time let alone mentally. It was a lifetime ago, or so it feels.

So that's 2 birthdays without each other now. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I hope so. I hope he's missed me today. Serves him right.

Tuesday 26 September 2017

Day 438

Urgh work is so dull. I don't know how people say they would get bored being at home all day. I say bring it on. I still want my pay at the end of the month though.

Tonight I had my first dog walk by torch light. Winter is most definitely on the way.

Alfie dog also christened my new floor. By christened I mean pissesd on! Well he was doing it on the rug until I shouted at him and then then he ran a circuit of the room while still weeing. Great! But it is only a floor. He can't help it!

Monday 25 September 2017

Day 437

Back to work after a week off is never good.

Luckily I had the thoughts of putting the furniture back into the living room in the evening to keep me going. It was exciting, like having a new toy waiting for me at home.

Unfortunately the fun was taken away when I noticed a flood in the kitchen and discovered a leaking washing machine or dishwasher hose. Fantastic. Every time there's something good there is immediately something bad. I don't have the tools or skills to mess around and risk making it worse so I've turned the water off until I can find somebody to fix it for me. What a pain in the back side.

I've moved the furniture back where it came from but have lost interest in unpacking anything this evening so have left it for another day.

Alfie my elderly dog is driving me to distraction and to the point that I want to smack him one. It's so sad. He can't help it but he is fucking annoying. The constant whining and licking and chewing noises he makes are fraying my nerves. I have to remind myself how I will feel when he's not here and its heartbreaking. I cannot move an inch without him jumping up to follow me. Everywhere. A friend at work lost her dog yesterday. I bet she'd give anything to have him back and here's me thinking about bashing my dogs head in. My chest tightens when I think of how I love him...but it's so hard.

Sunday 24 September 2017

Day 436

It's one of those times when I wish I'd never started something.

The carpet in my living room was manky. My neighbour lent me a carpet washer but in my frustration in not getting the stupid thing to work I decided to get it ripped out and cheap laminate floor laid instead. I hate laminate flooring. I had a cheap quote of £100 to lay it so off I went to B&Q to pick the floor that would cost me around £200. I left with an order of solid oak flooring costing more like £600. Still a bargain but way more than I wanted to spend considering I could've just asked the neighbour how to use her vacuum and replaced the shampoo for £5.

Fitting day arrives, but the flooring fitter doesn't. I heaved all the furniture out of the living room into the kitchen and sat there for 4 hours until he arrived. Only to be told I had been sold underlay but in fact needed glue. Off I went back to B&Q...the fucking glue is £42!

He worked for a few hours and left me with half a floor and a bad back after I spent all day sitting on a hard dining chair in the kitchen watching Netflix on an IPad with a low battery. Dinner consisted of cold leftover pasta from the fridge as no chance I can use the oven. I could only just reach a fork from the drawer.

I ended up going to bed around 9pm.

Today he was due back at 9.30 -10. He arrived at 10.45. I had of course had a major panic that he'd decided not to come back and had left me with half a floor. But he arrived and off I went to B&Q again. More sodding glue and another pack of oak boards. This is really getting quite expensive now and I'm not feeling the love for my new floor. If it's not a bargain I dont like it.

So here I am. Back at the kitchen table with a numb bum. Claustrophobic with all the boxes and things from the living room. Hungry.

I need to go out and put air in my new cars tyres. One of them is vey flat and knowing my luck punctured. I've had the car since Thursday evening but not driven it yet as the steering wheel was gross. I've disinfected it and scrubbed with bicarbonate. I think I've actually taken the outer layer of the steering wheel off. So I need to buy a cover for it. But I'm trapped in the house. More specifically the kitchen. The dogs are farting and snoring. It is unpleasant.

Back to work tomorrow. I don't feel like I made the most of my week off. Although I have decorated the bathroom, bought a car and had a spontaneous oak floor put down. It's been expensive. Anyone would think I have money. I do not.

It's Gavin's birthday this week. I can't help but wonder what he'll be doing. It's so strange that someone is so much a part of your life and then overnight....they're not.  A little like somebody dying I guess. Except with the added feeling of total and utter betrayal and worthlessness thrown in for good measure.

He would like my house. He would have been happy here. He would have liked the sociable neighbours, the view, the dog walks on the door step. Well tough luck fucker. Hope you're miserable under whichever rock you've found to live under.

Hours later and I'm still sitting here. My arse needs to have this chair surgically removed. My back is killing. The sawing and banging noises have subsided so I'm hoping he's nearly finished. Too late for me to get to the shop to buy a steering wheel cover though so I'm sticking to the courtesy car for as long as possible.

The last couple of hours have seen me involve myself in a "discussion" on Twitter. A woman, not as young as I assumed she was, had commented on a dinner date with a married colleague she was in love with. She was wishing he'd leave his wife, they had chemistry, they were just friends. All that crap. Thankfully I missed the original conversation as the aftermath was ridiculous enough. I cannot understand why anybody would risk another persons life just to lust after somebody that isn't available to be lusted after. This sounds very dramatic but I cannot honestly say that I wouldn't have attempted suicide last year if I hadn't had the responsibility of my animals to keep me grounded. The fucking old grab a granny trout having sex with my fiancé could have ended my life. And I've had sex with him more than enough to know that it is definitely not worth a human life. Any life.  Nobody knows the consequences of these actions. I doubt Gavin or the slapper wondered if I'd kill myself if I found out. I doubt they considered me at all. Because they're selfish. People who cheat are selfish. As far as I am concerned there is not one single thing that can justify it. Bad relationship? Leave? Unhappy? Leave. It's all about choices and whether a person has a moral compass. Unfortunately in my case he didn't. He obviously wasn't happy and instead of removing himself from the situation he decided to temporarily gratify himself with some married grandmother...hardly a catch. Either of them.

Anyhow..my flooring is down and it does look really good. I can't move any furniture in yet, thanks to the ridiculously expensive glue, so I'm looking at another uncomfortable evening in the kitchen. The extra wood I bought this morning wasn't needed after all so it's actually ended up costing me less than originally planned for. I was going to give the guy extra money as £100 is so cheap, but after he was late again this morning I thought fuck it.

So with my spare cash I'm going to order my 3rd takeaway this week. Well...I don't have a cooker!






Saturday 23 September 2017

Day 435

Not a great day on the home improvement front.

Delayed arrival of the contractor
Miscommunication
Insufficient equipment
More money
Hours sitting in the kitchen on a hard chair
Half a built oak floor

Early night with a bad back

Friday 22 September 2017

Day 434

DIY again.

My drill made another appearance. I put some blinds up in my newly painted bathroom. They are totally lopsided but I don't care. The bathroom looks so much better despite the paint splatters on the floor and the blobs on the ceiling.

Tomorrow my new oak floor is being laid.  I need to empty my living room but it's hard to move furniture alone. I've been lazy and left it tonight. I'll have to attempt it in the morning. Even moving the TV is hard work.

Back to work next week...boo!

Thursday 21 September 2017

Day 433

God I hate painting!

After getting up at 6.30 to do the horses so I could get home early and wait for my new flooring delivery, I had a long day ahead of me.

So I decided to paint the bathroom. 3 coats later and I'm never picking up a bloody paint brush again. I hate it! There is more paint on the floor and the ceiling than on the bloody wall. And I don't even like the colour so get no satisfaction at all out of finishing it.

My new old car turned up. Im getting more money from the insurance company than I expected so I won't be out of pocket at least. Tomorrow I'll disinfect the inside and have a proper look and no doubt find lots wrong with it. But beggars can't be choosers.

I realised today that its Gavins birthday next week. Tosser. I hope he's alone and misses getting presents from the dogs and horses.

Wednesday 20 September 2017

Day 432

Probably this time last year I posted on Facebook asking for suggestions for places I could volunteer on Christmas day as I couldn't face the thought of  Christmas without you know who.

This evening I found a message a few weeks old sent to me by a lady who had seen the post and was in a similar situation. It's made me feel very sad. Not for me. But for anybody that has to experience the awful feelings I had last year. I did repond to her and sent her a link to my first diary entry to see if it could help her at all. I don't know her circumstances, they may be completely different to mine, but it has prompted me to read my first entry again.

I'm not clever enough to add a fancy "press here" thingy so here's the link...

http://dayssincetheworldended.blogspot.co.uk/2016/08/since-world-ended-day-21.html?m=1

Wow. It feels like a different person wrote it. My heart breaks for the me of then. I've forgotten the pain, the physical pain I felt.  I don't ever want to feel it again. I also feel sick reading about how much I loved Gavin.

Puke! I wouldn't give that spineless motherfucker the time of day now. I have come so far, changed so much. But I bet he's the same slimy little slug that I now know him to be. So long sucker!

Tuesday 19 September 2017

Day 431

I went out today to look for some cheap laminate flooring for my living room.

I ended up buying a solid oak floor and a Ford Focus.



Monday 18 September 2017

Day 430

No work today.

I spent a lovely day at the stables drinking coffee and catching up with a couple of stable mates that I've not seen much of. I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to laugh and feel normal.

I had my hair cut for the first time in at least 2 years. About 4 inches off.

Tomorrow I look for living room flooring and view a not so cheap old car.

Sunday 17 September 2017

Day 429

I had another visitor to the house today.

A man to quote to lay some new flooring. There was was no dog poo. I felt very proud.

I've been trawling the internet and Facebook looking for a car. All the cars for 50p have a trillion miles on the clock and 2 days of MOT left. It's doing my head in and stressing me out. Even if I got a loan for a couple of thousand I'd still have a pretty rubbish car only I'd resent putting the world's hairiest dog on the back seat. She's too big to fit in the boot of a hatchback comfortably and I can't afford to run another estate car now that I work so far away. Arghgh it's driving me mad.

No work for the next week so I have 2 missions. To choose and order new flooring and to find a car that I can afford and that I can rely on.

I shall no doubt instead spend the week on my arse watching TV.

Saturday 16 September 2017

Day 428

Busy day today.

Tidying, sorting, power washing.

That is all.

Friday 15 September 2017

Day 427

Slept better last night but felt terrible this morning after being ill last night.

I had to wait around at home for a hire car to be delivered before I could go to work
It arrived about 10.30 so I had a chance to try shake off the rough head. When it arrived I thought oh poo, its a bloody Skoda. But actually I love it and dont want to give it back. I'd forgotten how nice it is to have a smooth driving modern car. I had a big diesel estate car for years and then the old car thats just been killed, both were like driving buses. This is so light and I was doing almost 100mph on my way home before I realised I'm 42 and not 17.

No work now for 10 days. Time to find a replacement car, paint my bathroom and spend some time with my horses.

I can't wait!

Thursday 14 September 2017

Day 426

It's not been a great couple of days. Last night while en route to the stables, I had a car accident. The car in front of me stopped in the middle of the road, sat there for a few moments that wacked it into reverse and smashed into me. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

The guy was apologetic, I held it together. Even after looking at the front of the car and seeing the crumpled bonnet, smashed grill and cracked radiator. Even after I heard all the hissing and saw all the fluid pouring out from under the engine and running down the road. He went off to see his friend who he'd been talking  to out the window when he'd stopped in the middle of the road. I was left abandoned, dogs in car, stranded. Thankfully I had an insurance number to call and they arranged for someone to come out and collect the car. 4 people came out to see me, one brought me a milky cup of tea and a biscuit ( I felt so awkward and guilty as I don't drink milk). The kindness was too much and I cried. Oh the shame. I felt totally helpless, the same pathetic loaner that kept having a broken down car last year after I became single. It is such a horrible feeling. Nobody to call to pick me up or help me get the dogs home. Nobody at home to tell me it will be ok. Nobody to offload on. Thank goodness for the wonderful friends I have made online thanks to this diary. They..you...have helped me so much and you're always there for me.

As it happens the recovery truck driver gave me a lift home and although the dogs weren't allowed in the van they enjoyed the ride on the back of the truck.

I barely slept last night stressing out about it all. This morning I felt ill which I knew was a disaster waiting to happen seeing as a work colle ague was going 15 miles out of his way to pick me up. I suffer with car sickness. True to form I felt rough as fuck. I was sweating and he had to pull over for me to throw up. After lots of heaving and pacing at the side of the road I managed to keep it down and off we went to work. I dreaded the journey home the whole day. Of course exactly  the same thing happened and I had to get out of the car again. But I made it home and managed not to throw up until I got to my kitchen sink. Great!

Tomorrow I have a hire car being delivered some time in the morning so I have to stay home until it arrives. My poor little car which I've only had since June is probably going to be a write off and I'll only get a few hundred pounds, not enough to buy a decent replacement. It was only ever meant to be a temporary car after my last one blew up but certainly longer than 3 months. I'd grown to quite like it. Now I'm going to have to buy a real banger that will not last long at all. I haven't paid any bills for the new house yet, the mortgage payment doesn't go out until tomorrow so I don't even know if I have any money at the end of the month to put towards a car. It's really terrible timing and I'm hugely pissed off.

Of course it's all Gavin's fault, the stupid fat wanker. I'm going to get the train to Somerset and key his fucking Jaguar.








Wednesday 13 September 2017

Day 425

Smashed up car
Stress head
Pissed off

The universe decided to remind me about my bad luck as I'd been happy for the past month.  Thanks alot.

Tuesday 12 September 2017

Day 424

This morning was a bit of a fuck up.

I got up at 5 as normal, saw to the dogs, went back to bed. Only I was wide awake, couldn't get back to sleep until gone 6. Was tossing and turning. Ended up online looking catching up on Twitter. By the time my alarm went off I must have just nodded off. I was knackered. Could barely open my eyes. Decision made. Call in sick. Set my alarm for 8.30 so I could call work. Too tired to even think about feeling guilty.

8.20 I woke up. Fuck! I need to go to work. I text in saying I'd overslept and rushed like mad to feed the dogs, have a shower, drive to get petrol, drive 26 miles to work, find car park full, drive to another, park, walk to work. Land at 10am. Bollocks.

How annoying. I wasn't able to have a lunch break so the day dragged and dragged.

This evening there were no unexpected guests, no dog poo. Some minor vomit but it was on the carpet and I've got the neighbours washer to use at the qeekend so I'm not fussed.

Still stuffed my face today but I did send off for some info on turning vegan!

Monday 11 September 2017

Day 423 Poo Gate

My alarm was set for 5am this morning so I could go check my horses were ok with the horrible weather. I got up when my alarm went off, well I sat up in bed. I checked the weather forecast and decided they'd been battered during the night and it was hardly worth going to bring them in as the forecast was better for today.

Boring day at work clock watching. I ate loads. Since my weight whining 2 days ago and all the support I've had I seem to be eating more. Panic eating. Like people who panic buy when there's a storm coming.

This evening I really shamed myself. I basically had 2 meals on one plate. Well, my stir fry stuff needed eating but there wasnt enough for a whole meal so I had stir fry noodles on the side of my actual dinner. I knew it was gross. Proven by the fact that as I dished up my plate and the doorbell rang I shoved it under the grill to hide it.

That was the least shameful thing to happen to me this evening.

When I got changed this evening I put on my comfy stretchy trousers that happen to be white. They are extremely unflattering and never to be worn outside my home. But they were a couple of pounds in the M&S sale so I just bought them. I clearly remember thinking to myself as I put them on that you have to be confident to wear white trousers...especially if you had a tummy ache.

And no I did not shit my pants..as such.

The ringing doorbell was my lovely neighbour unexpectedly dropping by with her carpet washing machine thing as I'd mentioned the carpet was gross and stinky.  I was already embarassed at being almost caught with my massive meal and wearing unflattering white trousers. Imagine my horror while looking down at the demo she was giving me I spotted at shin length on my white trousers a great big brown splodge. A look a little further down to the wooden floor revealed a small puddle of said brown splodge. It was at this point it dawned on me that my dog had shit himself aka followed through and it was a) somehow on my fucking trousers b) about to be run over by my neighbours vacuum. Why does this happen to me? The first visitor to my house since I moved and I've actually got dog shit on me .

After trying to strike up a conversation with me to no avail, she left. No doubt thinking I was really rude but honestly I couldn't hear anything except the voice in my head which kept asking "has she seen the shit, shall I say something?" Just to make it worse as she left she took a long look at something on the side table. I reckon it was an attachment I bought to put on my shower to hold the head. But its long and white and I'm convinced she thought it was a vibrator.

Karma for not getting up and going to my horses this morning.

Sunday 10 September 2017

Day 422

After yesterdays moans about my weight I've had some really lovely supportive messages from my online friends. Nobisy has judged me or made negative comments about how much I weigh. I'm amazed.

I feel like I have the support there to be able to do it, I just need to...do it!

Maybe tomorrow, or the day after.

Last night I dreamt of Gavin again. Why is he bothering me after all this time? I wonder if there's a specific trigger or if my subconscious is just cruel. Today I saw on the news that a man on his 30s had died in an accident. It was near me, there was nothing to suggest it was Gavin, yet I instantly think of him. When will it stop?

Tomorrow I have to get up at 5am to go to check my horses before work as the weather is bad. It's all downhill from here until next April. Great!

Saturday 9 September 2017

Day 421

9.30 on Saturday night and I haven't seen or spoken to a single person since I left work at 5pm yesterday.

I've tidied the house a bit, done some washing, watched TV, eaten alot of crap. None of it has been very enjoyable or satisfying.

I'm kind of at the place where I would consider dating, or at least signing up to a website with some actual intentions rather than the way I signed up this time last year when I was pathetic and just needed some interaction. Except I can't do any of that because I'm 10 stone overweight and even if I met somebody that saw past that or found it attractive,  I don't. I hate the way I look, it has stripped me if all confidence and the ability to interact with people on a social level. I'm such an idiot to let this happen to me. Scratch that. It didnt happen. I did it. I did this to myself. And the way I cope with it is to ignore it and carry on eating. Pretend it isnt there.

I don't know how to fix it. Diet and exercise I hear you say. Thats all fine if you want to lose half a stone, seeing half a pound weight loss a week would be great. But when its a drop in the ocean its disheartening. You have to be so mentally strong and I'm just not. And I have no support. Although I'll never forget when Gavin agreed to go on a diet with me, on his first day we went to a local agricultural show and he actually cried, with real tears, because he wanted a burger from the van and he had to have one. Great support there, thanks alot.

I'm sure I've said it before but I was slim and good looking when I met him. He was fat. Now I'm fatter than he ever was. I always blame him for being a food pusher, a feeder, but the truth is that nobody could ever make me do something I really don't want to. I am one stubborn fucker. This is all my fault and I don't know what to do about it.

Life is passing me by and I'm just sitting here comfort eating.

Friday 8 September 2017

Day 420

TFI Friday. This week at work has been painfully boring.

Not like my adventures this evening. After seeing to the horses and walking the dogs I was driving home when I came across a car blocking the narrow lane. The lady was trying to stop a loose horse getting past. Of course I went into rescue mode and off I went armed with a handful of mints to help catch the ginger beast as it was really quite dark and an accident waiting to happen. Some time later I remembered I had my dogs and handbag  abandoned in the car so rushed back to check I had at least got the dogs still. Dogs and handbag accounted for, I tried to start the engine to at least let some oxygen into the car but alas it was not meant to be. I had left the warning lights on and they had run my battery down. I could have cried. I flashed back to last year and the 2 or 3 times It happened to me when I was at my lowest. I couldn't believe it.  Thankfully I was able to ask another car behind me to help and the lovely guy, on his way to deliver pizza which must have been cold by then, gave me a push start. When that didnt work another guy came to help and would you believe it he was another pizza delivery guy. We were in the middle of nowhere! I'm so thankful they helped me.  And the horse was caught, unharmed.

I didn't think of Gavin once really. Not like earlier today when I had a text message from a number I didn't recognise. Every time it happens, for a moment I wonder if it's him. Why? Who knows. I don't want to hear from him but deep down I guess I want to feel like I matter and that he misses me. It's so stupid, admitting it here has brought tears to my eyes. If he knocked on my door now and begged me I'd send him packing.  I guess because I don't have anything else. Anyone else. I have an online community and friends but in real life, in person, I am alone.

Incidentally the unknown text was from the pizza takeaway. Is the universe sending me messages about pizza?

Thursday 7 September 2017

Wednesday 6 September 2017

Day 418

A boring day at work.

3 horses to do this evening, it was pitch black by the time I got home. Depressing, it's nearly winter.

Home in time to cook a pizza and eat 2 Cornetto's.

Tuesday 5 September 2017

Day 417

No DIY today.

This evening I took the dogs for a walk around the neighbourhood for a nosey. I came across the doctor's surgery which is handy as I didn't know where it was

Considering I live in an area that I thought was a bit rough with a bad reputation, it was a dead quiet. Some of the houses are a bit scruffy but so what. Mine is scruffy but I'm not a scroat. I feel so much more relaxed living here, I was so uptight at the old house.

As I arrived back home my neighbour opened her bedroom window and we had a chinwag for 10 minutes until she actually came out to talk to me. It was so nice, so friendly. I am not used to this. She's lovely and friendly, her kids are nice. It makes such a difference. Good riddance to the miserable mother fuckers that I used to live next door to.

Monday 4 September 2017

Day 416

Tonight's the night.....

The night I unbox my drill and venture into new uncomfortable DIY territory. The hanging of the blinds!

I opened the drill, plugged it in then wondered what the hell to do. I've always just taken for granted that you drill a hole, stick the plastic plug in and off you go..screws away. But no..apparently you have to pick a drill bit. And a plastic plug. They must be the right size for the screw you want to use. Suddenly this is not so interesting and I'm bored before I start.

Some googling and head scratching later and I've decided which things to use. Next hurdle, put the drill bit in the drill. I mean for fucks sake..scientists have grown a human ear on the back of a mouse, a bloody mouse! Why can't attaching a drill bit to a drill be a little more obvious? After resorting to the awful manual I managed to do it, result!

Of course the blind fitting instructions make next to no sense, the only bit I understand is that 2 people are required to carry out the installation. Well I won't be beaten by this!

Off I go...

I cannot believe the sheer terror I felt using a hammer drill for the first time. I shit myself, figuratively speaking. It was so scary and so loud. But you know what, I did it. My measuring left alot to be desired and I only had to whack and bend one bracket to get the blind to fit. But it did.  And then the second one did.

Only to my horror its a totally different colour. Completely bare wood compared to the other which is a shade darker.
What the actual fuck. My achievement satisfaction went straight out the window. One of the blinds also has dodgy wonky slats and the pelmet bits fell off.

I was so annoyed, hot, sweaty and dusty after 2 hours messing around to be left with something only marginally better than the the net curtains.

I had my dinner, watched an hour of TV then remembered I'd bought 3 blinds, one for a spare room. It must match one of the blinds, I can't be unlucky enough to have bought 3 with different shades, surely?

Thankfully it did match the darker colour wonky slat one so a quick swap and it's sorted. I just need to buy some glue to stick the pelmets on and its done.

Now too tired to care.

Sunday 3 September 2017

Day 415

I battled my demons today and won.

I got my paint brush out again and painted my bedroom. It was a real struggle to keep going, I was willing to down tools after one wall. But I persevered and I'm so glad I did.

I don't spend much time in my bedroom, apart from sleeping, but it's such a relief even just to have moved the boxes out to another room.  The walls are now white not tobacco coloured magnolia. The net curtains are down. All the furniture has been moved and the carpet all hoovered properly. Who knew cleaning a filter in the vacuum made such a difference! It's only taken 3 years to notice the filter compartment.

I've smashed a glass lamp shade, broken a standard lamp pole and got a right hand full of blisters. And my room stinks. But it's done and now I feel I can finally unpack some personal things.

But I'll leave that for another day.

Next job...get my new drill out of its box and hang the blinds!

Saturday 2 September 2017

Day 414

I was like a woman possessed in the DIY shop today.

I bought 4 window blinds for me to put up with the drill I bought the other week which is still in its box. I spent ages looking at the bloody things as they didnt have the colour I wanted but were in the sale. It's so hard not having a second opinion. I was always the decision maker anyway but it's nice to have someone give their opinion so you can ignore it.

I rushed home with my purchases, rawplugs included, and proceeded to spend the rest of the day watching TV.   And then I realise tonight that one of the blinds is wrong. All 4 windows are the same size yet one of the boxes is clearly 25% smaller than the others. Am i fucking stupid? Yes I am. So tomorrow it's back to the DIY shop where they have now probably sold out of what I need and I will probably spend another £100 on stuff to bring home and dump in the hallway.

Friday 1 September 2017

Day 413

Today's been a bit rubbish.

Minor bust up with my work colleague put a downer on most of the day. I was so desperate to get home even though I've only been in 2 days this week.

Tonight my isolation kind of hit me. I'm totally alone, living my life.. wasting my life. I'm 42 and I have nothing and nobody. It's pretty pathetic.

I didn' feel sad, it was like I just remembered. Oh, I'm in this house, alone, I haven't spoken to anybody for hours. This house has become my safe place so quickly. I don't want to go out anywhere, I just want to hide indoors.

It's going to be a very lonely life if I don't do something about this

Thursday 31 August 2017

Wednesday 30 August 2017

Day 411

I've had the best day.

Up early for a morning appointment to have my electricity meter changed. My god I wished
a) I was 10 years younger
b) I was 10 stone lighter
c) I hadn't worn a top with last nights dinner down it

The electrician that turned up was gorgeous. I'm totally off men, not interested in the slightest..or so I thought. Holy crap my eyes were totally popping out of my head and other body parts were feeling things they haven't felt in a LONG time. It was nice to feel like the old me for a short time, albeit fatter and greyer.

As the electricity was off I read a book and spent the whole day doing it. Apart from a 2 hour return to bed at lunchtime as I was cold..and tired. I never sleep during the day but it was lovely and so what..I make the rules.

I'm still feeling really tired and don't want to go back to work tomorrow. At least I can check the calendar and book more time off.

Oh and I came across a message that hadn't deleted from my phone. I had saved it, I guess as future ammunition. It was sent 8 days after he admitted his  affair and 5 days before he left saying he didn't love me. It's now deleted forever.

Tuesday 29 August 2017

Day 410

I've been so lazy today. I've done nothing, didn't even get out of bed until 10 this morning.

Electricity man coming round tomorrow and I haven't got any milk to make him a coffee. I haven't hot any coffee.  My prediction of living surrounded by boxes for years is looking likely!

Monday 28 August 2017

Day 409

My attempts to transform the outhouse into a utility room have failed. I honestly thought a lick of white paint would be enough to miraculously make the room sanitary enough for me to put my washing in there.

Not so. For one, who knew painting bare bricks was so bloody hard. I started about 9am before it got too hot. Once I overheat and get uncomfortable its game over. Alas with every arm aching stroke of the brush I could see I was wasting my time. So I abandoned ship for the time being.

Instead I decided to paint my living room. The living room that happens to be jam packed with boxes and furniture! I've been living with net curtains up at the bay window for the the past two weeks and feel like I'm in a shop window in Amsterdam. Totally on show.  Although the only thing anyone can see is me stuffing my face and watching TV to be fair so not so much similarity to Amsterdam I suppose. I want to buy some nice wooden blinds to hang but I can't until I've painted. So I did. And it was awful. Not remotely enjoying or satisfying. I was covered in paint and sweating like a pig. It took alll day but I did it.

Goodbye dusky pink. Hello patchy white.

With white walls the carpet looks even more filthy so I'm going to have to do something about it asap. No way am I painting any other rooms. Its knackering. I dont understand why anyone would choose to do it for a living.

Gavin would be proud. No hang on, fuck Gavin. That prick would be jealous.

Sunday 27 August 2017

Day 408

Over the past couple of weeks I've had several dreams about my first serious boyfriend/fiance that I was with for 9 years until around 12 years ago.  I dont know why, insecurity about the move maybe?

Last night's dream was comforting. I don't remember what it was about but I remember feeling comforted by the familiarity and I liked it. I didn't like it so much when I woke up. I felt a bit empty.

But I soon shook it off.

Today I tackled the headlights in my car. After much sweating and several bruises and at least the top layer of skin from my hands, I did it. I changed the bulbs. I felt good, apart from the stinging hands that is.

I also decided to tackle the outhouse. My kitchen is rammed full with a chest freezer, tumble dryer and mini fridge as I had this great idea that I could make the spider infested shed my "utility room". I therefore didn't sell the aforementioned white goods before I moved and now have nowhere to put them.

The previous owners had kindly left me 20 tins of half used paint from he 1980s and it was stored on some rusty metal shelving units from the land that time forgot. Of course they were covered in spiders dead and alive. It took me about 2 hours just to dismantle one shelf unit and get it into the toxic stinking bin. Of course it was boiling hot so I was covered in shit and dripping with dusty sweat. That has to be someone somewhere's fantasy right?

Alas I didn't get much done. I managed to paint one small patch of the brick interior before I downed tools, had a shower and headed for the supermarket and it's beautiful ice cream aisle.

The rest of the day I've watched a whole Netflix series and eaten burgers and ice cream. What Sunday's are made for!

Saturday 26 August 2017

Day 407

I've done all the man jobs today.

I've been to the DIY shop. I bought a drill. And paint. And screwdrivers.

I've taken the doors off my shed and changed the hinges and hung them back up. No they are not straight and they do not glide smoothly closed. But I don't care, I did it all by myself.

I've taken down an ugly 10ft curtain pole. I filled the holes. I used goo and a scrapey thing I bought. I stood on a ladder to do it.

I also stood on the ladder to change the worlds most expensive light bulbs. Seriously when did light bulbs get so expensive? £5 for one bulb? And that was one of the cheap ones!

I also ordered my first takeaway and it was very nice and well deserved after a day of man work. I even had a bottle of lager and felt tipsy like an idiot.

Painting is on the cards for tomorrow. Painting means moving furniture and boxes and locking clingy dogs out of the room so is bound to be stressful and tiring. Maybe I'll put it off until Monday.

Friday 25 August 2017

Day 406

Thank god its the weekend. And its a long one for me, 5 days off work. I have lots of work planned but am unlikely to do any.

I'm so very tired. I feel like the past year has now finally come to an end and I'm wiped out. I need sleep.

Today at work I made an appointment for next month and realised its on Gavins birthday. For a moment I thought that I would maybe text him on his birthday. A split second later I realised I had to delete his number as soon as I got home from work. So it's done. He's gone. I can't be tempted to message him in moments of weakness or drunkenness. I haven't deleted the message trails yet as I can't be bothered to search for them in my phone this evening, but I definitely will be doing. He does not deserve for me to even consider contacting him let alone actually doing it.

I'm still itchy as hell. I bought some antihistamines but theyre not working yet and I'm hoping they just need to get into my system.

I

Thursday 24 August 2017

Day 405

One more day of work then I have 5 days off. I can't wait.

A year ago I hated the weekends, I didn't want to take any time off work or be alone. How things have changed!

I have lots of plans that I'm going to paint this, that and the other but the reality is that I'll probably spend the whole time watching TV. Who cares! It's my house. It's up to me what I do. That is such a good feeling.

Alfie dog is driving me mad. He is scratching alot. I've given him a flea treatment and checked him over and he is clean but it is constant. It's making my skin crawl and even as I type this my back and legs are itching like crazy. I wonder if it's the manky carpet that's making him itch? There was no carpet in the last house so maybe? Whatever it is, I cannot stand it. Coupled with the constant licking and chewing noises from him it's not great for my sanity.

I still haven't deleted Gavin from my phone. I'm not sure why. It's not that I've decided not to, I just haven't had the satisfying urge to do it yet.

I'm seeing white vans and stupid Jaguar cars like his everywhere. I hope to god I don't ever see him. He's such a coward I'm sure he's making certain not to get sent on any jobs in this area, even though he doesn't know where I live. If I ever see his car with its private number plate I will most definitely not be able to resist the urge to key that fucker. He would be devastated. Just thinking about it has me smiling.

And itching. God I'm so itchy.

Wednesday 23 August 2017

Day 404

Still engrossed in the book. Nearly finished. No TV for 2 days is unheard of!

Tuesday 22 August 2017

Day 403

No diary entry today.

I'm too busy reading my friends book that she's written. It's so good I've not been able to put it down for the last 4 hours.

Tainted Jewell by SM Hope if anyones interested.

Monday 21 August 2017

Day 402

Back to work today. I really didn't want to go. The drive was 26 miles and took 50 minutes with no school traffic. The journey home took considerably longer as there was an accident and i got stuck.

I started to panic a little. I was so desperate to get home to the dogs to check they were ok. They were. The old boy was barking and the husky was super excited to see me. I think they're both still confused where they are.  Old boy Alfie is worrying me. He really seems to have aged in the last few days. We went for a short walk down to the creek this evening and I had to carry him part of the way home. It's heartbreaking. It feels like the beginning of the end. It's what happened with poor Ronnie. I'm desperately afraid to have to make a decision again. My poor little man.

Sunday 20 August 2017

Day 401

401 days since my world fell apart. Thats a really big number, a long time. Life has changed so much for me.

I still can't believe it happened and I am where I am now. Single, alone, sole home owner, happy.

I really like my new home. It's way better than the last one. It's huge. And so far I've not had any problems with parking. I don't know anyone. I don't care. I feel empowered that I am here doing it alone.

Tomorrow I go back to work after a weeks holiday. I don't want to. It's a really long drive, over 25 miles. I feel bad for the poor dogs although they do seem more settled and are brave enough take themselves off to the garden and kitchen now without sticking to my side.

I popped out for an hour today. Alfie was barking when I got back. I hope he doesnt bark all day tomorrow or he'll make himself ill.

I'm so tired, the past week has really taken it out of me.  I have a few more days off work soon and hopefully I can take another week off soon. For home improvements? No, to sleep and watch TV.

Saturday 19 August 2017

Day 400

It's starting to feel like home, and I like it.

This morning. Me and the dogs went investigating. I found that a 10 minute walk from my door takes me to a creek, estuary and lake. It felt amazing to have this on the doorstep after having thoughts in the back of my mind that I was moving to a rough estate. It may still be, but it certainly has an upside. We met several other dog walkers and they were all friendly and stopped for a chat and not one of them tried to kill me. We only managed about 90 minutes as I had to carry little Alfie some of the way as he was very tired. It was enough though and both dogs have slept most of the day.

This afternoon I moved the furniture around in the living room and even though I still have masses of boxes it feels far more comfortable.

So it's looking good, although I'm a little worried about going back to work and leaving the dogs on Monday. But I have no option so just have to get on with it.

Items Unpacked Today: 0
Ice Creams Eaten Today: 3

Friday 18 August 2017

Day 399

Much better night last night. I slept through until 6 with both dogs downstairs. Result.

I'm starting to like my house again. I've bleached the bathroom, changed the shower head, unclogged the plug holes 😷 and bought myself a new bath mat. Not very exciting but I enjoyed buying it.

I took a few items out of my suitcase but got bored hanging them up as its so hot upstairs with all the windows shut. But I made a start at least.

Tomorrow I want to take the dogs for a walk locally as there is an estuary and creek very close by. I need to investigate how to get there so hopefully its not raining or too hot.

I've decided how I want to arrange my living room furniture but there are so many heavy boxes that need moving first that I can't face it just yet. I'm still toying with the idea of having some hardwood flooring laid so don't want to make any effort if it will all have to be taken out anyway. In the meantime I've used a carpet wash/freshener thing that you sprinkle on, brush in and hoover off. I don't think appearance wise the carpet is any better but psychologically it's an improvement.

Only 2 days left until I have to go back to work. This week has gone so quickly. I left the dogs home alone for 2 hours today and they were quiet when I got back which was a relief. I don't know why I'm worrying so much. Next doors puppy has been crying since 6am and this evening mum stood at the front door and just shouted her sons name..LOUDLY. The estate is huge, he could have been anywhere. She did it about 3 times, no consideration for the neighbours. Thats obviously the way things are done around here. Unbelievably I don't mind. Everybody is noisy. It feels like a really old fashioned kind of community, maybe because it's ex council, maybe just because I've not lived anywhere like this before and have always been so uptight and up my own arse.

The dogs are still being great but also still being clingy. Little Alfie the old boy is breaking my heart. He's really confused about where the water bowl is and if I move, he moves. I hope he is able to get to grips with the change and won't spend the rest of his life wondering where he is.

Thursday 17 August 2017

Day 398

Climbing into bed last night was amazing, I was so exhausted. Unfortunately the dog had other ideas and was crying. I got out of bed 3 times before I gave in and took him upstairs with me. Thankfully there weren't any accidents but I hope he doesn't think this is going to be a regular thing.

My parents came over again today to help out. It was stressful. A dog water bowl was kicked flying across the kitchen, a garden storage box got broken due to over eagerness, the washing machine leaked, we spent over an hour trying to find a tv aerial in the house, and there was another spider in my bedroom.

They brought a lovely lunch and a beautiful orchid plant for me but I was so glad when they left. I guess I'm so used to being by myself that it was just too much.

I bleached all the kitchen cupboards and surfaces and unpacked some boxes of plates and cups. Its starting to feel a bit more real now. I wish I didn't have to go back to work on Monday..its too soon.

I'm so tired and have so much to do. And I haven't done a trial run leaving the dogs alone yet.

I also haven't deleted Gavins phone number and message history yet. I don't know why, I had planned to do it my first day here. I want it to feel significant rather than just remembering and deleting it.  I will do it though for certain. Sods law I needed him today while having trouble with the TV and internet. Never a telecoms engineer around when you need one

Wednesday 16 August 2017

Day 397

First night alone in my new house was hot, noisy and uncomfortable. I woke with a splitting headache and an aching back again. So used to getting up early with the dogs I was awake at 5.30 and couldn't sleep.

I feel more positive today. Yesterday was exhausting and not the exciting day I wished for it to be. But I loved this house when I first saw it and need to look beyond the cosmetics which is all it really is .

My stepdad and the contractor came over and did a fantastic job doing the emergency fencing so I could bring the dogs home. More needs to be done at a later date but having met the neighbours I dont think it's too much of an issue to wait a few weeks.

I rearranged the kitchen so I could get the dogs bed sorted, my washing machine is plumbed in and after a day of walking around with greasy hair and feeling really stinky I finally managed to have a shower.

The living room has been cleared a little so there's some floor space and even though the carpet is manky, the walls are pink, and it's crowded, it feels much more homely.

The dogs were pleased to see me and have been so well behaved since they came home. They're exhausted after their 2 night holiday. It feels more like home now we're all back together.

I've been without internet all day and have used almost all the months mobile data in 2 days. Hopefully I'll be up and running again tonorrow I feel like I've lost a limb and miss contact with my cyber friends.

I choked up a couple of times today. When I told my mum that by leaving the old house I feel sad that I've left Ronnie dog behind as I now live in a place he's never been to. Sounds stupid but still hurts.

I hope tomorrow will be even better than today and I can start to enjoy my new life.



Tuesday 15 August 2017

Day 396

I'm in. I've moved house. And the only tear I shed was in a fit of exhaustion when I couldn't remember which box the bottle opener was in.

I hardly slept and was awake from 4.30. The removal men were amazing, nothing was too much trouble. I was knackered carrying one bag to my car so as far as I'm concerned it's the best £500 I've spent in a while.  There was a hiccup still with the mortgage. I kept my cool, it got sorted.

I'm too tired to put all the nitty gritty in today's diary but I can bullet point as follows;

* the new house stinks, is dirty and far more run down than i remember
*the shower is a pile of shit and has 2 temperatures, ice cold or skin blister hot and needs replacing asap
*I can't figure out how to turn the oven on so have crisps and biscuits for dinner
*my new neighbours on both sides are lovely. They've all been in for a nosey, kids and dogs in tow.

I'm really disappointed that the previous owner didn't leave me a note. She'd been here 30 years, I thought she would have wished me well. I bought my buyers a card, bottle of wine and a fire log forbyhe wood burner and I hope it made them smile.

I have no curtains up anywhere which is just as well as I'm reluctant to use the lights as this house has a PAYG key meter and I have no idea how much money is left on it or how I top it up. Another job to tackle tomorrow.

For now feet up and TV on to watch a film I downloaded in preparation.

Oh and by the way...I haven't thought of HIM at all today until just now.

Monday 14 August 2017

Day 395

So today hasn't totally gone to plan. I've done lots,  I'm virtually ready. My stepdad came over to help dismantle my bed and unplumb the washing machine. I just have to clean work tops, hoover and mop etc in the morning and clear the dog poo in the garden.

I spent a short time in tears on the phone to the mortgage company this afternoon. It was too good to be true that things were going my way. At around 3.30 I was informed that the mortgage wouldnt be released because they haven't had my signed acceptance form. Er yes you have, I told them. Actually no we sent a revised one the following day. No matter how much explaining that I didn't receive it, I have no printer, everything's packed they  just weren't having any of it. I was distraught. In a major panic envisioning doing the 40 mile round trip to my work tonight to use the printer and scanner. I'm so grateful that my stepdad did his second trip of the day to my house and sorted it out for me. Bloody bastard building society didn't think to mention earlier the absence of this form they allegedly sent to me in June. 

But panic over for now. Hopefully I'll have confirmation first thing in the morning that everything is ok. It was a really horrible feeling to be so powerless again.

So here am, in my house, alone. The dogs have gone off to the sitter and its very quiet. I don't anticipate having a very good sleep. For one, having the mattress on the floor is a thing of nightmares for an arachnophobe.

I don't know what to expect tomorrow. Sadness? Joy? I won't miss the neighbours thats for sure. My best neighbour who is friendly and kind and I've cried on his shoulder before, has gone weird. The second to last time I saw him in the street we had a long chat, he was calling me darling, kissed me goodbye like you would with your mates. Last week I saw him and said when I was moving. He said he didn't have time he was in a rush but would catch up with me before I go. Well he must have seen me struggling yesterday with the man jobs I was carrying out on the driveway. Nothing. Tonight I went to put the bin out and I saw him shut the blinds to hide from me. People are seriously fucking weird.

But it's the end of an era. A terrible part of my life ends tonight. Any fuck ups in the future are all mine and nothing to do with that waste of space.

Onwards and upwards!