Day 201

Crap crap crap day.

It all went downhill from the moment I got up at 5.10am when my lovely dog pissed on my bed. When I'm in such a rush with so much to do before work, this is not the shit I need to start my day with.

My house went for sale online last night. I came across it by chance, crap agents hadnt even told me. Today I got a call that 2 people wanted to view. Fantastic. Tomorrow. Not so great idiots I'm at work 20 miles from home, 2 dogs are in the house plus you don't have a key! Hence my request that all viewings be carried out at weekends. I snapped at the woman and was a little rude but she was able to rearrange one of the viewings for Saturday and the other people are going away on holiday so theyre not serious anyway!

Then this evening thick fog, pissing down with rain and 4 horses to sort out. Ive been on the go since 5am and just sat down at 8.45pm. I'm knackered. So toast for dinner while I wait for my bedding to dry so I can go and remake my bed with the clean duvet that had an emergency visit to the launderette today. I hate making the bed last thing at night.

Oh and the paperwork hasn't arrived from the solicitor yet!

Day 200

I can't believe I'm at day 200. The day I wished for so long ago. The day that would have me feeling good and happy with all the crap behind me.

Little did I know I'd still be living with his clothes in the wardrobe.

I am feeling good and happy to be fair. I no longer pine for him. The rose tinted memories are now perfectly black and white and I can see our relationship for what it was. Stale, lacking.

That still doesn't excuse his behaviour. Nothing does. Stale or not I still believed he was my best friend and my partner for life. I loved him.

Bastard.

So I've emailed the useless estate agent. Thanked him for advice but I'm sticking to the original plan and going for the price I want. If it doesn't work I can change it along with the estate agents who have pissed me off before it's even for sale.

The paperwork hasn't arrived from the solicitor. Please god don't let it have got lost in the post. If I have to go through it all again I'll be walking in front of a bus!

So onwards to day 201 and better things.

Day 199

I can't believe it's been 199 days since my heart was ripped out, spat on, run over, trampled on.... and lots of other expressions of pain.

It all feels so pointless. What a spineless excuse for a human being he was. Is.

Some days go by now and I don't think of him at all. The days that I do it's mostly angry or murderous thoughts!

I need to concentrate on getting this house sold. There's going to be more shit times coming my way as I have a lifetime of stuff to try and sort/pack/move by myself. Plus more paperwork to be signed by Mr unresponsive. But its good, I'm closer to the end of this nightmare each day.

Now to find somewhere affordable to live that meets all my requirements.  Oh look, a flying pig!

Day 198

The neighbours have sold their house in 3 days! 

So full steam ahead back to plan A, the estate agents can shove it if they don't agree.

On a less positive note I've fallen off the wagon and am now the proud owner of several bags of crisps.

Day 197

I'm just so bored of all the shit.  I can't wait for it all to be over.

I received the draft sales particulars for my house from the estate agents today. It looks pretty good but we had discussed an "offers over" price but it had been put down as a flat price. I queried this with the agents and also the price we are going for as this and the neighbours house have knocked my confidence.

The estate agent now tells me my price is expensive. A price £10k less would be "reasonably achievable" and that other properties on the street go for X,Y, Z.

For fucks sake can something go right for me just for bloody once. Every time I try and put a positive spin on something I get shot back down.

The figures he was spouting about previous sales were all wrong anyway, too low, and now I'm doubting everything. I think he's been put off by the neighbours house sale too and is back pedalling.

Of course he didn't reply to my next email.. what is it with these bloody men? Now I have to wait all weekend to hear from him again.

I'm so pissed off. I need to win the lottery and tell alot of people to fuck right off.

Day 196

Totally uneventful.

Boring day at work.

No drama.

More days like this please.

Day 195

I didn't hear from him checking if the paperwork arrived. I didn't contact him to tell him it had.

I woke up feeling fine, not stressed. What will be will be with the house sale. I would prefer the neighbour wasn't selling too but they may also be pissed off when mine goes for sale. Not alot I can do.

So a good day other than the £250 bill from the garage to get my car through the MOT. Thank god for overdrafts.

Day 194

Today has been shit.

My solicitor contacted me to confirm the paperwork that was supposedly posted 1st class on Wednesday still hadn't arrived.  I asked what could I threaten him with? Small claims court? Something that could involve grab a granny? I'm desperate..is here anything realistic I could threaten him with? Basically, no.

It took every ounce of strength I've got not to lose it and have a meltdown at work.

I text him.

I cannot describe the utter frustration and despair I felt. I just wanted to end it all then. I am powerless. For want of a better word, I am the victim yet he holds all the cards. 

Tears were burning my eyes, I was ranting and swearing in the office. Distracted, messing my work up. I had an instant headache and my eczema was itchy as fuck.

In true rollercoaster/yo-yo fashion I was elated one hour later when I got a call to say it had arrived. The lying bastard posted it 2nd class two days ago not 1st class one week ago. But I didn't care. IT'S ARRRIVED. I can start to move on, make plans. I emailed my estate agent to say go, go, go. He didn't answer me..I'll let it go!

I felt such a weight lifted. I was so happy. I drove home feeling positive. The best revenge is to do good without him.

I turn into my road and the house 4 doors down from me has a newly erected For Sale sign. My heart sinks, hits the floor. A quick online search and it's £25,000 less than what I was going to ask for mine.

I'm fucked. Cursed.

And my car failed its MOT.

No

Day 193

No sign of the paperwork.

Couldn't contact my solicitor.

Deep breath.

Deal with it tomorrow.

Day 192

This is my diary, for me, to help me when I needed it.

I decided to share it on social media as I wanted others to know how I was feeling during the worst experience of my life. The responses I've had have all been amazingly supportive, constructive and kind. I hope I have also gone a little way towards helping others in a similar position.

Today I allowed myself to become embroiled in a "discussion" on Twitter with an individual who, despite attempts to give support and boost confidence, was only interested in pitying himself. He commented on my posts and that they were not exactly showing my self confidence.  I am enraged that I have bared my pain for the world to see and this idiot would dare to make such a comment to defend his own ridiculous self loathing.

This diary has helped me enormously. I would say to anybody that is going through something, not just a breakup, write it down. It has been therapeutic for me. Sharing it and having replies from  genuine people has been wonderful. And to say I am not confident, correct. But 6 months ago I wanted to die and now I want to live. Very much.

So to those of you that have been through this with me, I genuinely thank you for helping to save my life.

If there is anybody reading this that isnt really that interested, kindly fuck off.

Day 191

It was quite humiliating today to have to tell the estate agent that I couldn't actually put the house up for sale yet because that arsehole hasn't returned the paperwork yet. Thankfully he understood and took his photos and measurements in preparation.

If it isnt here on Monday then I'm going to have to take action. The proper legal stuff, not fannying around with with text messages.  Every day wasted is a day of my life gone forever and I've had enough of it.

The house looks great. It's such hard work keeping it clean and tidy when I have the dogs and also because I'm a lazy cow.  I hope I get a buyer quickly.

Day 190

Just 10 days to go until day 200, the day I wanted to fast forward to so many months ago.

Am I in any better position? Well I'm not thinking about killing myself anymore so I'd say that's pretty good. If I could send a message to myself back then what would I say? The only thing I would have wanted to hear was that we were back together,
that he'd come back and I was safe. I couldn't hear any of the advice that I was given. I didn't want to hear it.

So yes I am in a far better place. I still have shit to go through but I am in a much healthier mental state to deal with it all.

Physically I am knackered. I had a day off work today to make a long dreaded call to my mortgage lender to explain the situation and ask for their reconsideration of the penalty. They cant reconsider but I have options available and I feel much happier.

I have spent the rest of the day "cleaning" the house. This entailed moving crap from one room to the next along with lots of shouting at the eternally underfoot dogs. The estate agent is coming at 11am tomorrow to measure and take photos so it'll be an early start as I have basically done bugger all today.

I didn't hear from my solicitor today who was supposed to email me when the signed paperwork arrived. I didn't contact her to ask as it was emotional enough speaking to the mortgage people, I didnt want to hear that it hadn't arrived.

I'm ashamed to say that I text him last night to wish him good luck at todays job interview. I wanted to be the better person but just felt like shit when he answered back saying thank you. Has he no shame? Now I know the paperwork hasn't arrived or probably was never sent I wish I'd sent him a horrible message reminding him to try and not come across as a dumby as they'll probably think he is just by looking at him. The sort of thing that would make him paranoid and mess up.

Bastard.

Day 189

I woke up with an awful headache this morning and it stayed with me most of the working day. After a period of relative calm I have been somewhat stressed lately and, along with my early starts, I'm feeling the effects. I'm so tired.

Day off work tomorrow to brave a phonecall to my mortgage lenders to beg and plead for them to reduce the £7000 penalty I'm going to have to pay when the house is sold. After that I have 6 months worth of housework to do as the estate agent is coming around on Saturday. All in all a pretty shitty couple of days ahead.

I must stay focused and remember that these are good things, a step in the right direction. I'm taking control and making steps to move on.

I'll just put my feet up tonight...I've got all day tomorrow afterall.

Day 188

Stalking. Facebook and Internet stalking to be precise.  I am ashamed to say that in a fit of frustration fueled rage I caved and went for it last night.

I stalked her, her husband, her mother, her business, her 2 daughters, her daughter's boyfriend, her daughter's boyfriends brother. I spent hours like a crazed possessed person. Screen shotting pictures and sending to my friend from work. This morning she admitted she too had then stalked her.

I eventually came to the conclusion that the object of my stalking was in fact NOT grab a granny. There was no evidence anywhere of there being a grandchild. There was no picture of him in the background at the neighbours sisters bbq.

I think it's probably a good thing. I managed to sleep just fine until my alarm went off at 5.10. I did think about it as soon as I got up though. A few hours later I got a text from him to say he can't meet me to sort paperwork as he has a job interview, so he'd post it but he is having to ask customers at work to witness the signature. So now I don't know if he's covering his tracks as I asked him outright in my email who the girl was. I dont think hes clever enough, its all just a massively huge coincidence.

In a way I wish I knew he was with her. Although I dont want him to be happy, I want them both to be writhing in pain in fact, at least if they were together there would have been some actual point to all of this. A reason for my life being turned upside down.

So angry, tonight I phoned him. The coward ignored my call but text 5 minutes to later to say he'd just posted the papers back.

Watch this space.

Day 187

I'm going to have to be committed to the loony bin.

I am so frustrated I don't know how much more I can take. Why is it so bloody hard to sign a piece of paper. He doesn't want me, he doesn't want the life we had, the home, the lifestyle. I'm doing my hardest to accommodate him. I have afterall not hunted him down and cut his dick off. I've just taken all that has been thrown at me. Why oh fucking why can he not just sign the pissing papers. I am beyond confused I feel deranged and ever increasingly angry.

It's torture. Am I going to have to resort to dirty tactics? Involve his family? Make threats about contacting grab a granny? Or her husband! I want to be above these things but it's driving me out of my mind. I want to kill him.

Please let this all be a bad dream. I wasted 7 years in a relationship with him and now 6 months wasted waiting for him to get of his fat arse and let me get on with my life.

I feel anxious and twitchy with frustration. I might finally start smashing some shit.

Day 186

Blue Monday. I don't feel particularly blue. Perhaps a little pink..normal with a hint of irriration.

Still no reply from the twat. I've messaged him this morning to say my solicitor needs the corectly signed paperwork in her hands by Friday. I deleted the "or else" bit.

I don't think I've ever actually put it in my diary but we came to an agreement, by text. I need to sell the house. I put down the deposit he paid fuck all. I refused a 50/50 split and could not get an answer from him on an agreed percentage. Finally we agreed that if he could stop paying the mortgage etc. he would take nothing from the house sale and pay none of the costs, including the £7000 mortgage penalty. I agreed to this so long as he signed a legal document my solicitor would produce. This would mean I wouldn't have to have any contact with him whatsoever until the house was sold. This was October. He has missed 3 mortgage payments and still hasnt signed the fucking form properly.

I am at my wits end. It's a signature. He found time to conduct a secret life but he can't put his scrawl on paper properly and put a bloody stamp on it.

So the pink is turning a little redder as I type. Of course he hasnt replied to this message either. Currently I am wishing I could beat the shit out of his stupid face.

Without the signed agreement any estate agent will need his involvement in the sale which I cannot allow. He isnt tidying the house or picking up dogshit from the garden so gets no bloody say in anything. I dont want him to know how much I'm selling for. I don't want him to know anything. I just want him to fuck off now.

Day 185

What a surprise. Still no reply to my email.

I cannot understand why he would send texts about missing me, wanting to turn the clock back etc. And when he is offered an olive branch, far more than he deserves....nothing.

So that is it. I will not entertain any shit from him ever again and I will need to tell him straight. He is clearly off his rocker and not in a good place....good. Serves you right motherfucker!

I woke at 5am to the sound of my dog puking on my bed. On, not in thankfully. After such a rude awakening I was restless and tempted to commence operation Facebook stalk. Thankfully I overcame the urge. I don't need to know what she looks like. I already know that no matter what her appearance on the outside, on the inside she is a filthy hag and that is how I wish to picture her should I ever need to.

It's been a long lazy day. I have done 10 minutes painting a patch on the ceiling and 0 minutes doing anything else to sort the house out. I predict a very early start and pre arrival panic next Saturday when the estate agent is due.

I just can't wait to get the ball rolling so I can feel like I have some power back. I don't want him to know where I live or what I'm doing. The next few months are going to be very hard for me but it must be done.

Day 184

I'm surprised how relaxed I've been today considering the email I sent last night. A few months ago I would have been twitchy, anxious.

I'm pretty ok today. I don't expect him to answer me which is all the answer I need. I'm still fairly certain that he had grab a grannys daughter witness his signature which would mean he would have to admit that he lied to me on Christmas day. Its far easier for him to just ignore me even though he said he would give me honest answers to my questions.

I've considered Facebook stalking today. Having a good nosey at this girl and her mother. Doing a bit of detective work so I can have weapons in my armoury if he does decide to lie to me. But I've decided against it because I don't really care. It would not benefit me in any way and no matter how attractive she may or may not be I will always be better than her because I haven't slept with someone elses husband.

I must admit I do feel a lot little lost today. Lonely, rather than sad like the Saturdays of old. The internet is full of people dating and getting on with their lives and I'm just here, excited about my oven being cleaned.

I have so much to do around the house. It's a filthy pig sty. I can't be bothered. And I'm craving crisps like mad.

....so all that was earlier on. Its now evening and it's been 23 hours since I emailed that arsehole and had no reply. I'm so angry with him. How the fuck dare he message me, pitying himself. Boo fucking hoo tosser, you made your decisions now deal with them. I'm so annoyed and twitching to get on FB and find that stupid bitch. I think her husband is called David and he perhaps would like to hear from me.

Arghghgh

Day 183

I text him this morning to ask if he would give me honest answers to some questions I have. He said OK..... I've sent him an email this evening and whilst not predicting a happy ending here,  I need to know.

Hi

So, I have lots of questions I would really like to have the answers to but instead will just ask you a few.  Please be honest with me, you have nothing to lose.

-Who is Kira that witnessed your signature?
-What contact have you had with Samantha since the day you left? Phone, coffee, hotels, living together?
-Where have you been living?
-Why did you tell me you were living in a hotel?
-Are you happy?
-Do you regret anything?
-Do you love me?
-Did you watch TWD?

I just want the truth from you, it doesnt matter if you think it will upset me I still want to know.

I worried about you for days after Christmas and when I finally text it was with the thought that if you replied I was going to ask you if you wanted  come for dinner on new years eve or meet up on new years day to walk the dogs. But you didn't bother answering.

You've tried to talk to me on the phone a few times and I got the impression you had something you wanted to say but you never actually say it. I'm giving you the chance to just say it now.

This is your opportunity to just get it off your chest.  Just spit it out, don't be a coward.
I don't want to carry on with you randomly texting me or trying to phone me once a month.

If you need to take some time to think about things, fine. If you have nothing to say that is also fine, in which case I would be grateful to receive your truthful answers and we can leave it at that with no further contact.

S

Day 182

Moments after posting yesterday's diary entry he text me.

"I'm sorry for what I have done, if I could turn back time I would but I cant"

I decided to reply saying that it was 6 months that day since he told me he'd been having an affair. I wanted to rub it in, make him feel bad.

He text me back "I'm sorry, it is the worst thing I could of done with us".  Then another "I'm sorry".

I did shed a few tears but didn't reply again. I don't know what he wants from me, what I'm supposed to say. He told me he never wanted to see me again, that he didn't love me. Am I meant to just forget that...oh never mind silly, just come home.

I don't know if I should take this opportunity to get the answers that I wanted while he's feeling talkative. Or if continuing communication is just a mistake.

As I went to bed stressed and confused another message arrived. "I miss you".  Its so unfair, it's taken me six months to not need to hear that from him. I don't know what to do.

I woke this morning with a Migraine. I went to do the horses hoping the fresh air would help but got home at 6.50am in no better state. So I had to call in sick at work and spend half the day in bed.

And another text arrived this afternoon. He "misses the dogs and horses".

This is the most I've heard from him the whole time. I don't want it. I'm preparing to put the house on the market, start afresh, is he psychic or what?

Maybe I should send him some links to my diary, see if he thinks then that it's appropriate to be messaging me.

Day 180

The most exciting thing to happen to me today is the appointment made to have my oven cleaned at the weekend. This is not a euphemism.

I'm totally worn out. The early starts and long days are taking their toll. My old dog woke me at 3.15 this morning. Barking his head off as he'd obviously woken up and found himself all alone in the dark. The teddy I gave him is a poor substitute for his little old brother.

I really felt alone this evening while sitting at the dinner table by myself. I do the same thing every night but tonight I noticed how sad and pathetic I am. If he could see me now....Although I know I do actually look in a far better state than when he last saw me. Bastard.

Still no sign of the legal paperwork. I can't allow myself to stress over it any longer. I will just have to hope that he keeps to the agreement we've made. I have a partially signed document from him and his agreement in a text so I just have to get on with it.

I'm feeling quite anxious at the thought of moving. Property in my price range would take me into not very attractive areas and I'm not sure I really want to be stuck somewhere I don't like. I barely know the area I live in now. We moved here, to the city outskirts, as it was affordable compared with where we were staying at my parents house.  I can't afford to live here now.  Moving further into the city means I will be in a totally new area, alone. This frightens me. I'm 41 years old and I have lived alone for short periods after splitting up with boyfriends, like I am now, but have never properly lived alone. Never moved by myself with sole responsibilty.

Millions of people do it but it's new and I'm nervous.

I could really do with a nice lottery win.

Day 181

It's still hard for me to believe what has become of my life.

6 whole months have gone by, so much has happened, but it still feels like yesterday that I stood in front of him in my pants and tshirt while he cried loudly, boohoo for him, that he'd had an affair.

6 months ago today my world ended.

It didn't really end. I can see that now. It just changed. In the most hurtful and painfully shocking way that I could never have imagined. But it was not the end of my life although it could very easily have been as my emotions took me to some very dark places. I am very thankful that I had the strength and support, mostly from people I've never met, to keep me from doing something really stupid.

So life goes on...or what remains.   I can't really make any plans for the future as I don't even know where I'll be living in another 6 months. But hopefully I'll be safe and content and able to write some nice things in my diary rather than moaning and doom and gloom all the time.

Inspired by a cyber friend before Christmas,  I wanted to write a list of things I wanted to do for myself in the New Year. I'm not one for resolutions and all that crap usually but it seemed appropriate. It wasn't as easy as I thought. I think based on the unknown future/house sale/move etc. my finances are in severe distress and therefore the dream of going to Rome or travelling etc weren't realistic.

I have 2 visits to London pencilled in this year. One for a concert and one for a wedding. I have not attended either of these alone before so my list includes not chickening out of going. I'm from the South East but haven't been to London for around 20 years so this is a big deal for me. With the added discomfort of going to a wedding as a spinster...

I also want to have a tattoo. I have none.  I became obsessed last year with the idea of a bright green peacock feather but a) I was all talk b) I couldn't find an image I liked c) more talk. I don't want a tramp stamp, nothing obvious, just a small one on the inside of my left forearm. A bright green reminder that I can discreetly look at when I have a blip to remind that I can do this. Tattoos cost money so this may not be able to be achieved this year.

What I want most in the world is to be able to ride my horses.  I have half heartedly started a diet but I really need to take it seriously. It's just so bloody hard when I have so much to lose.  Losing weight will change my life and give me my confidence back. I wouldn't care about going solo to a wedding if I felt good about myself.

So 6 months on from the worst day of my life I have a plan of sorts..I am alive, healthy(ish), I have a job, family that love me and my beloved animals. There's so much to be thankful for, my whole outlook has changed.

So really maybe I should change the name of my diary to Days since my life started...

Day 179

6 months ago I was utterly baffled. Confused. Unbelieving. Upset.

I returned from work to be told that I was an awful person and that it was all my fault that my fiance didn't love me any more and had secretly rented alternative accommodation and would be moving out on Thursday.

This was not the day my world ended. I had two days to go before that treat.

I woke this morning very thankful that I had learnt fairly recently to mute my phone at night. He had text me at 11pm, in reply to my reminder of what we'd been doing 6 months ago. He said "I'm sorry".  Nothing more nothing less.

It feels pretty insufficient.

So today I have made an appointment for my chosen estate agent to come to take photos and measure up. Its not for a couple of weeks so I have a few days to sit around in a pig sty before having to go into panic mode and make my home presentable.

It's no good hanging around waiting for paperwork from him, all the time wondering if he's delaying, if he wants to come back. Even if he did I don't really want him. It would just be to avoid the hassle and terror of going it alone and having no money.

So decision made and I'm getting on with it.

Day 178

My powers of restraint failed me today and I sent him a text to tell him that 6 months ago today we were out having lunch with my parents.

I didn't expect a reply and I certainly didn't get one. It would have been polite but if he isn't polite enough to keep his dick in his pants while he has a fiance then I can hardly be surprised when he's rude enough not to take the opportunity to apologise to me..

I'm not really that bothered. I've been mulling over texting him all week and in a way I'm glad as his lack of reply has shown me, yet again, that he is a waste of space and not worth my time. I'm not sure why I keep having to have this validated. The empty bed and self inflicted scars on my arm are a daily reminder.

So I survived another week. I've eaten no crisps for 6 days but eaten absolutely everything else in excess.

Next week I must make an effort to start the ball rolling on the house sale. 

Day 177

I've been thinking about him again today.

I haven't been upset. Well, I cried briefly. So I decided I was going to send him a message simply telling him I missed him.
Then I thought it would be better to tell him I missed him as my friend and throw in a few insults. Then I decided I should draft a long email telling him I missed him and that I want to him to give me some answers to some things and for him to get off his chest whatever he was wanting to talk to me about. Then I decided on the original simple I miss you text.

Then I reminded myself he was a lying cheating c*nt that doesn't deserve to have me give him a second thought so thankfully I did none of the above.

Day 176

I feel quite sad today.

Gavin was not only my fiance but he was my best friend. We didn't always get on but he was my person. The one I wanted to tell when there was something good happening or if I had some gossip.  I watched the new Star Wars film recently and I wanted to tell him how good it was. But I can't because he isn't anything to me anymore. I would love to have him as my friend again because it felt so natural even though I know now that was also a lie. I could never be friends with him now though.

I don't miss my fiance but I miss my best friend and for the first time in ages I'm crying as I type.

6 months ago today, a Friday night, we went after work to view a new stable yard to move the horses to. We discussed it after the viewing, about affordability etc. How very confusing for me that the following Monday, just 3 days later, he would tell me he doesn't love me and he's leaving me. That he's secretly rented a place and is moving out on the Thursday. This was 2 days before the world ended.

How he pulled it all off I still have no idea..I was totally clueless and in the dark. What a fool.

No wonder I was mess in those first few months. I have come such a long way emotionally, mentally. But it does still sometimes feel so raw.

I think the 5am start today and lack of crisps is getting me.

Day 175

I've barely thought about him today. Barely...only the odd fleeting urge to email him.

I've had an evening off from the horses. My friend, formerly known as the shitty texter, has seen to them for me tonight. So time for some housework and to cook a proper healthy meal for a change. Yes, time to do all that but instead sofa and a box of chocolates seemed like a better idea and a frozen microwave pizza is queued up when I'm ready.

Days since the crisps ended....3

Day 174

The cat and mouse texting is continuing.

8am this morning he replied to my text of 23 hours earlier. Is he in another dimension? Why is it taking so long to reply? Its just weird and downright rude.

I did briefly consider sending him an email again but thankfully soon came to my senses.

More importantly I have had no crisps for 2 days....

Day 173

Back to reality today. Up at 5.20 to go
do the horses. Temperature in the car read minus 6. A very rude awakening!

At work I had 71 emails but the first I saw was from my Solicitor. She hasn't received the signed paperwork from him still. Supposedly it was sent for the 2nd time 2 weeks ago. I just despair.

What the hell is wrong with him? I'm so annoyed that I felt sorry for him last week, that I considered "things". What an idiot I am. So after a really nice break I am truly back to reality and feeling unsettled and pissed off.

I have text him this morning about it...No answer! How long does this have to go on for?

And tonight I get home and there's post for him. He left 5 months ago. Why is there still post? It was a phone bill. Of course like the nosey bitch I am I opened it. Lucky him, he's got himself a new phone. It cost the same amount that I had to pay to have my dog put down.

The bill isnt itemised, thank god, but there are 3 numbers listed as they went over his price plan. For fucks sake..I reverted to the crazed victim, googling the numbers, convinced it was going to lead me to what has really been going on.

Premium Bonds, a Catalogue, a motorbike transporter.

I feel such an idiot. And so pissed off that I'm still having to go through this all this time later. I don't care if he is/isn't with her but being in limbo like this, stuck in this house unable to move on, surrounded by his things,  is making me insane.

I'm considering sending him an email. A version of the one I wanted to send on Day 169, but a little less polite.  But if he doesn't reply or acknowledge AGAIN I think I will go mad.

I don't know what I did in a previous life but it must have been pretty shitty.

Day 172

Uneventful day today.

My good intentions for the new year have yet to be put into practice. I decided rather than going nil by mouth and shocking the system entirely, I'd start by giving up crisps. My worst vice.

I could eat crisps until the cows come home and actually get twitchy if there are none in the house. So this seems a good place to start. It's a little concerning therefore that I popped out for firelighters and despite the ban on crisps, came back with a massive bag of jalapeno party snacks.

Ahem...I'll give up crisps tomorrow.

Day 171. A new year

Hello 2017.

My name is Sarah. I am 41, single and live in Plymouth, Devon in the UK with my 2 dogs. I'm also very lucky to have 2 horses.  I've been looking forwards to meeting you, I really hope we can be friends.

So its a new year and the only person I've spoken to today is the girl at the till in the petrol station. But that's ok, I am happy optimistic 2017 Sarah.

I didn't get a midnight message from the ex. I went to bed early anyway but was both relieved and irritated when I looked at my phone this morning.

One more day then it's back to normality and the tiring horses work dogs daily routine. I've had a really good break and it's been far more enjoyable than I expected.

So on I go into a new year that will never have had him in it and will never have known my Ronnie dog.

Deep breath, shoulders back and off I go.