Day 412

Back to work

Too tired

Day 411

I've had the best day.

Up early for a morning appointment to have my electricity meter changed. My god I wished
a) I was 10 years younger
b) I was 10 stone lighter
c) I hadn't worn a top with last nights dinner down it

The electrician that turned up was gorgeous. I'm totally off men, not interested in the slightest..or so I thought. Holy crap my eyes were totally popping out of my head and other body parts were feeling things they haven't felt in a LONG time. It was nice to feel like the old me for a short time, albeit fatter and greyer.

As the electricity was off I read a book and spent the whole day doing it. Apart from a 2 hour return to bed at lunchtime as I was cold..and tired. I never sleep during the day but it was lovely and so what..I make the rules.

I'm still feeling really tired and don't want to go back to work tomorrow. At least I can check the calendar and book more time off.

Oh and I came across a message that hadn't deleted from my phone. I had saved it, I guess as future ammunition. It was sent 8 days after he admitted his  affair and 5 days before he left saying he didn't love me. It's now deleted forever.

Day 410

I've been so lazy today. I've done nothing, didn't even get out of bed until 10 this morning.

Electricity man coming round tomorrow and I haven't got any milk to make him a coffee. I haven't hot any coffee.  My prediction of living surrounded by boxes for years is looking likely!

Day 409

My attempts to transform the outhouse into a utility room have failed. I honestly thought a lick of white paint would be enough to miraculously make the room sanitary enough for me to put my washing in there.

Not so. For one, who knew painting bare bricks was so bloody hard. I started about 9am before it got too hot. Once I overheat and get uncomfortable its game over. Alas with every arm aching stroke of the brush I could see I was wasting my time. So I abandoned ship for the time being.

Instead I decided to paint my living room. The living room that happens to be jam packed with boxes and furniture! I've been living with net curtains up at the bay window for the the past two weeks and feel like I'm in a shop window in Amsterdam. Totally on show.  Although the only thing anyone can see is me stuffing my face and watching TV to be fair so not so much similarity to Amsterdam I suppose. I want to buy some nice wooden blinds to hang but I can't until I've painted. So I did. And it was awful. Not remotely enjoying or satisfying. I was covered in paint and sweating like a pig. It took alll day but I did it.

Goodbye dusky pink. Hello patchy white.

With white walls the carpet looks even more filthy so I'm going to have to do something about it asap. No way am I painting any other rooms. Its knackering. I dont understand why anyone would choose to do it for a living.

Gavin would be proud. No hang on, fuck Gavin. That prick would be jealous.

Day 408

Over the past couple of weeks I've had several dreams about my first serious boyfriend/fiance that I was with for 9 years until around 12 years ago.  I dont know why, insecurity about the move maybe?

Last night's dream was comforting. I don't remember what it was about but I remember feeling comforted by the familiarity and I liked it. I didn't like it so much when I woke up. I felt a bit empty.

But I soon shook it off.

Today I tackled the headlights in my car. After much sweating and several bruises and at least the top layer of skin from my hands, I did it. I changed the bulbs. I felt good, apart from the stinging hands that is.

I also decided to tackle the outhouse. My kitchen is rammed full with a chest freezer, tumble dryer and mini fridge as I had this great idea that I could make the spider infested shed my "utility room". I therefore didn't sell the aforementioned white goods before I moved and now have nowhere to put them.

The previous owners had kindly left me 20 tins of half used paint from he 1980s and it was stored on some rusty metal shelving units from the land that time forgot. Of course they were covered in spiders dead and alive. It took me about 2 hours just to dismantle one shelf unit and get it into the toxic stinking bin. Of course it was boiling hot so I was covered in shit and dripping with dusty sweat. That has to be someone somewhere's fantasy right?

Alas I didn't get much done. I managed to paint one small patch of the brick interior before I downed tools, had a shower and headed for the supermarket and it's beautiful ice cream aisle.

The rest of the day I've watched a whole Netflix series and eaten burgers and ice cream. What Sunday's are made for!

Day 407

I've done all the man jobs today.

I've been to the DIY shop. I bought a drill. And paint. And screwdrivers.

I've taken the doors off my shed and changed the hinges and hung them back up. No they are not straight and they do not glide smoothly closed. But I don't care, I did it all by myself.

I've taken down an ugly 10ft curtain pole. I filled the holes. I used goo and a scrapey thing I bought. I stood on a ladder to do it.

I also stood on the ladder to change the worlds most expensive light bulbs. Seriously when did light bulbs get so expensive? £5 for one bulb? And that was one of the cheap ones!

I also ordered my first takeaway and it was very nice and well deserved after a day of man work. I even had a bottle of lager and felt tipsy like an idiot.

Painting is on the cards for tomorrow. Painting means moving furniture and boxes and locking clingy dogs out of the room so is bound to be stressful and tiring. Maybe I'll put it off until Monday.

Day 406

Thank god its the weekend. And its a long one for me, 5 days off work. I have lots of work planned but am unlikely to do any.

I'm so very tired. I feel like the past year has now finally come to an end and I'm wiped out. I need sleep.

Today at work I made an appointment for next month and realised its on Gavins birthday. For a moment I thought that I would maybe text him on his birthday. A split second later I realised I had to delete his number as soon as I got home from work. So it's done. He's gone. I can't be tempted to message him in moments of weakness or drunkenness. I haven't deleted the message trails yet as I can't be bothered to search for them in my phone this evening, but I definitely will be doing. He does not deserve for me to even consider contacting him let alone actually doing it.

I'm still itchy as hell. I bought some antihistamines but theyre not working yet and I'm hoping they just need to get into my system.

I

Day 405

One more day of work then I have 5 days off. I can't wait.

A year ago I hated the weekends, I didn't want to take any time off work or be alone. How things have changed!

I have lots of plans that I'm going to paint this, that and the other but the reality is that I'll probably spend the whole time watching TV. Who cares! It's my house. It's up to me what I do. That is such a good feeling.

Alfie dog is driving me mad. He is scratching alot. I've given him a flea treatment and checked him over and he is clean but it is constant. It's making my skin crawl and even as I type this my back and legs are itching like crazy. I wonder if it's the manky carpet that's making him itch? There was no carpet in the last house so maybe? Whatever it is, I cannot stand it. Coupled with the constant licking and chewing noises from him it's not great for my sanity.

I still haven't deleted Gavin from my phone. I'm not sure why. It's not that I've decided not to, I just haven't had the satisfying urge to do it yet.

I'm seeing white vans and stupid Jaguar cars like his everywhere. I hope to god I don't ever see him. He's such a coward I'm sure he's making certain not to get sent on any jobs in this area, even though he doesn't know where I live. If I ever see his car with its private number plate I will most definitely not be able to resist the urge to key that fucker. He would be devastated. Just thinking about it has me smiling.

And itching. God I'm so itchy.

Day 404

Still engrossed in the book. Nearly finished. No TV for 2 days is unheard of!

Day 403

No diary entry today.

I'm too busy reading my friends book that she's written. It's so good I've not been able to put it down for the last 4 hours.

Tainted Jewell by SM Hope if anyones interested.

Day 402

Back to work today. I really didn't want to go. The drive was 26 miles and took 50 minutes with no school traffic. The journey home took considerably longer as there was an accident and i got stuck.

I started to panic a little. I was so desperate to get home to the dogs to check they were ok. They were. The old boy was barking and the husky was super excited to see me. I think they're both still confused where they are.  Old boy Alfie is worrying me. He really seems to have aged in the last few days. We went for a short walk down to the creek this evening and I had to carry him part of the way home. It's heartbreaking. It feels like the beginning of the end. It's what happened with poor Ronnie. I'm desperately afraid to have to make a decision again. My poor little man.

Day 401

401 days since my world fell apart. Thats a really big number, a long time. Life has changed so much for me.

I still can't believe it happened and I am where I am now. Single, alone, sole home owner, happy.

I really like my new home. It's way better than the last one. It's huge. And so far I've not had any problems with parking. I don't know anyone. I don't care. I feel empowered that I am here doing it alone.

Tomorrow I go back to work after a weeks holiday. I don't want to. It's a really long drive, over 25 miles. I feel bad for the poor dogs although they do seem more settled and are brave enough take themselves off to the garden and kitchen now without sticking to my side.

I popped out for an hour today. Alfie was barking when I got back. I hope he doesnt bark all day tomorrow or he'll make himself ill.

I'm so tired, the past week has really taken it out of me.  I have a few more days off work soon and hopefully I can take another week off soon. For home improvements? No, to sleep and watch TV.

Day 400

It's starting to feel like home, and I like it.

This morning. Me and the dogs went investigating. I found that a 10 minute walk from my door takes me to a creek, estuary and lake. It felt amazing to have this on the doorstep after having thoughts in the back of my mind that I was moving to a rough estate. It may still be, but it certainly has an upside. We met several other dog walkers and they were all friendly and stopped for a chat and not one of them tried to kill me. We only managed about 90 minutes as I had to carry little Alfie some of the way as he was very tired. It was enough though and both dogs have slept most of the day.

This afternoon I moved the furniture around in the living room and even though I still have masses of boxes it feels far more comfortable.

So it's looking good, although I'm a little worried about going back to work and leaving the dogs on Monday. But I have no option so just have to get on with it.

Items Unpacked Today: 0
Ice Creams Eaten Today: 3

Day 399

Much better night last night. I slept through until 6 with both dogs downstairs. Result.

I'm starting to like my house again. I've bleached the bathroom, changed the shower head, unclogged the plug holes 😷 and bought myself a new bath mat. Not very exciting but I enjoyed buying it.

I took a few items out of my suitcase but got bored hanging them up as its so hot upstairs with all the windows shut. But I made a start at least.

Tomorrow I want to take the dogs for a walk locally as there is an estuary and creek very close by. I need to investigate how to get there so hopefully its not raining or too hot.

I've decided how I want to arrange my living room furniture but there are so many heavy boxes that need moving first that I can't face it just yet. I'm still toying with the idea of having some hardwood flooring laid so don't want to make any effort if it will all have to be taken out anyway. In the meantime I've used a carpet wash/freshener thing that you sprinkle on, brush in and hoover off. I don't think appearance wise the carpet is any better but psychologically it's an improvement.

Only 2 days left until I have to go back to work. This week has gone so quickly. I left the dogs home alone for 2 hours today and they were quiet when I got back which was a relief. I don't know why I'm worrying so much. Next doors puppy has been crying since 6am and this evening mum stood at the front door and just shouted her sons name..LOUDLY. The estate is huge, he could have been anywhere. She did it about 3 times, no consideration for the neighbours. Thats obviously the way things are done around here. Unbelievably I don't mind. Everybody is noisy. It feels like a really old fashioned kind of community, maybe because it's ex council, maybe just because I've not lived anywhere like this before and have always been so uptight and up my own arse.

The dogs are still being great but also still being clingy. Little Alfie the old boy is breaking my heart. He's really confused about where the water bowl is and if I move, he moves. I hope he is able to get to grips with the change and won't spend the rest of his life wondering where he is.

Day 398

Climbing into bed last night was amazing, I was so exhausted. Unfortunately the dog had other ideas and was crying. I got out of bed 3 times before I gave in and took him upstairs with me. Thankfully there weren't any accidents but I hope he doesn't think this is going to be a regular thing.

My parents came over again today to help out. It was stressful. A dog water bowl was kicked flying across the kitchen, a garden storage box got broken due to over eagerness, the washing machine leaked, we spent over an hour trying to find a tv aerial in the house, and there was another spider in my bedroom.

They brought a lovely lunch and a beautiful orchid plant for me but I was so glad when they left. I guess I'm so used to being by myself that it was just too much.

I bleached all the kitchen cupboards and surfaces and unpacked some boxes of plates and cups. Its starting to feel a bit more real now. I wish I didn't have to go back to work on Monday..its too soon.

I'm so tired and have so much to do. And I haven't done a trial run leaving the dogs alone yet.

I also haven't deleted Gavins phone number and message history yet. I don't know why, I had planned to do it my first day here. I want it to feel significant rather than just remembering and deleting it.  I will do it though for certain. Sods law I needed him today while having trouble with the TV and internet. Never a telecoms engineer around when you need one

Day 397

First night alone in my new house was hot, noisy and uncomfortable. I woke with a splitting headache and an aching back again. So used to getting up early with the dogs I was awake at 5.30 and couldn't sleep.

I feel more positive today. Yesterday was exhausting and not the exciting day I wished for it to be. But I loved this house when I first saw it and need to look beyond the cosmetics which is all it really is .

My stepdad and the contractor came over and did a fantastic job doing the emergency fencing so I could bring the dogs home. More needs to be done at a later date but having met the neighbours I dont think it's too much of an issue to wait a few weeks.

I rearranged the kitchen so I could get the dogs bed sorted, my washing machine is plumbed in and after a day of walking around with greasy hair and feeling really stinky I finally managed to have a shower.

The living room has been cleared a little so there's some floor space and even though the carpet is manky, the walls are pink, and it's crowded, it feels much more homely.

The dogs were pleased to see me and have been so well behaved since they came home. They're exhausted after their 2 night holiday. It feels more like home now we're all back together.

I've been without internet all day and have used almost all the months mobile data in 2 days. Hopefully I'll be up and running again tonorrow I feel like I've lost a limb and miss contact with my cyber friends.

I choked up a couple of times today. When I told my mum that by leaving the old house I feel sad that I've left Ronnie dog behind as I now live in a place he's never been to. Sounds stupid but still hurts.

I hope tomorrow will be even better than today and I can start to enjoy my new life.

Day 396

I'm in. I've moved house. And the only tear I shed was in a fit of exhaustion when I couldn't remember which box the bottle opener was in.

I hardly slept and was awake from 4.30. The removal men were amazing, nothing was too much trouble. I was knackered carrying one bag to my car so as far as I'm concerned it's the best £500 I've spent in a while.  There was a hiccup still with the mortgage. I kept my cool, it got sorted.

I'm too tired to put all the nitty gritty in today's diary but I can bullet point as follows;

* the new house stinks, is dirty and far more run down than i remember
*the shower is a pile of shit and has 2 temperatures, ice cold or skin blister hot and needs replacing asap
*I can't figure out how to turn the oven on so have crisps and biscuits for dinner
*my new neighbours on both sides are lovely. They've all been in for a nosey, kids and dogs in tow.

I'm really disappointed that the previous owner didn't leave me a note. She'd been here 30 years, I thought she would have wished me well. I bought my buyers a card, bottle of wine and a fire log forbyhe wood burner and I hope it made them smile.

I have no curtains up anywhere which is just as well as I'm reluctant to use the lights as this house has a PAYG key meter and I have no idea how much money is left on it or how I top it up. Another job to tackle tomorrow.

For now feet up and TV on to watch a film I downloaded in preparation.

Oh and by the way...I haven't thought of HIM at all today until just now.

Day 395

So today hasn't totally gone to plan. I've done lots,  I'm virtually ready. My stepdad came over to help dismantle my bed and unplumb the washing machine. I just have to clean work tops, hoover and mop etc in the morning and clear the dog poo in the garden.

I spent a short time in tears on the phone to the mortgage company this afternoon. It was too good to be true that things were going my way. At around 3.30 I was informed that the mortgage wouldnt be released because they haven't had my signed acceptance form. Er yes you have, I told them. Actually no we sent a revised one the following day. No matter how much explaining that I didn't receive it, I have no printer, everything's packed they  just weren't having any of it. I was distraught. In a major panic envisioning doing the 40 mile round trip to my work tonight to use the printer and scanner. I'm so grateful that my stepdad did his second trip of the day to my house and sorted it out for me. Bloody bastard building society didn't think to mention earlier the absence of this form they allegedly sent to me in June. 

But panic over for now. Hopefully I'll have confirmation first thing in the morning that everything is ok. It was a really horrible feeling to be so powerless again.

So here am, in my house, alone. The dogs have gone off to the sitter and its very quiet. I don't anticipate having a very good sleep. For one, having the mattress on the floor is a thing of nightmares for an arachnophobe.

I don't know what to expect tomorrow. Sadness? Joy? I won't miss the neighbours thats for sure. My best neighbour who is friendly and kind and I've cried on his shoulder before, has gone weird. The second to last time I saw him in the street we had a long chat, he was calling me darling, kissed me goodbye like you would with your mates. Last week I saw him and said when I was moving. He said he didn't have time he was in a rush but would catch up with me before I go. Well he must have seen me struggling yesterday with the man jobs I was carrying out on the driveway. Nothing. Tonight I went to put the bin out and I saw him shut the blinds to hide from me. People are seriously fucking weird.

But it's the end of an era. A terrible part of my life ends tonight. Any fuck ups in the future are all mine and nothing to do with that waste of space.

Onwards and upwards!

 

Day 394

The penultimate night in my house. The last night my dogs will spend here as they're off to the sitters tomorrow.

How do I feel? Knackered. I've worked so hard again today. My hands are cut and scratched and splintered. I've dismantled, unscrewed, smashed and carried all sorts of nasty scratchy splintery things and taken them to the tip. I did feel angry today. While my hands were cut and bleeding from doing all the jobs that useless piece of shit should have done. I felt very alone, doing man work. But I did it. My hands hurt, my nails are ruined and my hair is a post sweaty frizz.

I've spent so much time trying to sort the move that I haven't really given much thought to my new house. Assuming the dogsitter doesn't demand I collect my dogs early, I'll be spending my first night in the new house totally alone.

I predict tears and a quite a bit of fear. I won't even have internet, I'll be all alone in a strange new house.

Maybe I will collect the dogs early.

Day 393

Up at 5.30 this morning. Dog was crying, I had lovely clean sheets on and couldn't face taking him up to bed with me for a couple of hours.

I put some washing on, went to my horses, walked the dogs and got home at 9. It was great, I still had the whole day ahead of me.

I've done loads. Dismantled some furniture all by myself, sorted loads if things. Oh my god I have so much stuff. I've left out 1 plate, 1 cup, 1 glass, a knife, fork and a spoon. It's perfectly adequate. Why the hell do I have 3 boxes just of mugs and glasses?

The curtains are down, the living room feels echoey and sad. I feel minor irritation at the thought of Gavin sitting on his fat arse somewhere doing fuck all when I'm facing all this by myself. Selfish prick.

But fuck him. I don't need him. I can do this. I am doing this.

Day 392

This morning I woke up at 5.30 from a horrible dream. Gavin had just told me he didn't want to go ahead with buying the house and was leaving me. Just what I needed. Why is the mind so cruel sometimes?
 
Alfie dog was a pain in the arse. I ended up dozing/over thinking on the sofa until it was time to get ready for work.

Work dragged but finally ended. I was in a mad rush to do the 20 mile drive home as I had to get back out to meet a potential dog sitter. I got stuck behind a tractor for most of the journey. By the time I set off to meet the dogsitter I was stressed to the max and thought I might have a heart attack. Thankfully not. The dogs behaved, all was good and I feel so relieved to have found someone nice to take them for a
couple of days while I move.

So it's my last Friday in the house. I've ordered a takeaway and put my feet up. Tomorrow I'll tackle the house. I want to text something rude to Gavin. How dare he not contact me to see if the sale has gone through. Bastard.

Day 391

Another day with no progress in the house.

There aren't enough hours in the day. I left the house at 7.45 this morning. I got home just before 6pm and was back out again by 6.20 to go to the horses and walk the dogs. I got home just before 9pm. And then I have to make dinner. No wonder I'm knackered.

Last day at work tomorrow then I've got a week off and 3 days to get my head down and get the house finished.

Day 390

It hasn't really sunk in that in a week someone else will be in my house. Lighting my AGA wood burner, enjoying my power shower. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I wish I could feel excited about the move. As though it was my choice.

I haven't seen my new house since May. On my first viewing I loved it. I really hope that next Tuesday I feel the same and that I haven't made a mistake. I've gone for an unknown area, the house doesn't fit my brief, it's missing the vital parking space that I wanted. Oh god, what have I done!

Day 389

My last Tuesday driving to work from this house. Last time to put the bins out. Feels a bit weird, not sad though.

The house is a pig sty. Stuff everywhere. Done no packing tonight, was busy with the horses and then had somebody come to collect some bargain garden furniture I sold for £20.

Must crack on tomorrow.

Day 388

Long boring day at work.

Not very eventful this evening. Filled a box, chucked some rubbish, put the brown wheelie bin out for the last time.

I watched Game of Thrones. I've never missed an episode. Gavin and I watched every one together. Well fuck him. I still watch it wvem if I have no-one to talk to about it except the dogs. Tonight's episode was brilliant. I hope he missed it. Tosser.

Day 387 My Birthday

Waking up alone on your birthday isn't really that attractive a proposition. But I felt ok. I had 2 whole cards to open and a small gift from a colleague.

I went for a nice walk with the dogs after seeing my horses then rushed home to tackle the shed. It was awful. Its quite big, a summer house really. Greenery had grown through the roof were Mr Lazy did a poor job fixing it and it was like a spider infested jungle inside. I'm terrified of spiders. But I did it! I emptied it all, cut all the greenery and bagged up loads of scary rubbish. I'm really proud of myself as I really am terrified of spiders. The neighbours for sure heard me squealing fuck a few times.

This afternoon I went to meet my parents for lunch via the rubbish dump and a drop off of blankets and dog beds to the local animal rescue centre. I was so productive, all before 2pm.

Lunch was nice. I felt a little embarassed that they likely felt sorry for me but that soon left as the food arrived. I spent the rest of the day at home watching films. I did have a brief moment of sadness that Gavin didn't contact me to say Happy Birthday but then I remembered he's a tosser and I don't want to hear from him. Ever.

Day 386

No unwanted texts today.

No birthday cards arrived in the post for tomorrow.

Putting on a front to my parents; not bothered about my birthday, I've got packing to do anyway. The truth is I'm embarassed and ashamed that they are coming to take me to lunch tomorrow and they probably feel sorry for me. If they weren't, I'd be totally alone all day. Awful flashbacks to last years birthday!

2 birthdays running I've been single. I wonder if Gavin will give me a second thought. Bastard. And now I'm crying.

Day 385

Another stressful upsetting day. People are so fucking mean.

I asked the estate agents to contact the lady I'm buying the house from to ask if I could pop round to measure the garden to organise fencing to make it dog proof. I didn't have to go on the house or disturb your, simply measure how much wood I need. The hag said no.

I don't know what's wrong with people. Why wouldn't you let somebody do that? On moving day if she's not ready to leave by the time I take possession of the keys she'll be forcuvle removed and I'll ave a big Fucking smile on my face while I do it. Bitch.

In other news, Gavin text me this morning. I accidentally dialled his number while deleting it the other day. I thought I'd got away with it as it was only a split second.

Day 384

Loneliness has snuck back in.

I want to be excited about moving house, planning where furniture will go or what paint I'll pick, but current mood is that I don't give a fuck. What's the point in getting excited, I'll be on my own and nobody will ever see it anyway.

There have been tears.

And stress. Over logistics of choosing, buying and fitting fencing for the new house so that the garden will be safe for the dogs. I don't have enough time to do it all. I swore excessively at my mum on the phone. I'm embarassed by my behaviour. I was a petulant child. I've had to send her an apology.

And I couldn't help myself. I looked online and Gavin has put his private number plate on his ridiculous new car now. What a prick.

Day 383

When I opened the email from my solicitor this morning I was expecting something along the lines of "ta dah....you've exchanged contracts".

I wasnt expecting to be told there was a problem with one of the forms and that it was vital Gavin and I both sign a new version. My heart sank. I was at work and it took all my will power not to lose it while sitting at my desk. I couldn't believe that this close to being rid of him that I was going to have to message him and go through the pain of getting him to sign and post things again. I sent a begging email back to my solicitor pointing out the HUGE problem that this causes and off I went to a meeting. The last thing I needed.

Then the solicitor calls to let me know "by the way your buyers buyer doesn't have a deposit so you're not going to get one". Seriously? Nobody thought to mention this earlier? Obviously I said that if I'm not getting a deposit then no way am I putting one down so this was likely to cause problems with my purchase. I was so upset and stressed out. Yet again I was getting a big fuck you from the universe.

Then work was just shit. Another meeting, a stupid online seminar and the whole time I was screaming inside. Out of the nlue I get a phone call to say contracts exchanged you're moving on 15th August! I didn't ask about deposits or forms, I don't care how they did it.

So it's done. I finally have a date.

How do feel? Not sure. Relieved, but not excited. Crap day at work and stupid solicitors spoilt that for me.

But I did delete his work number and email addresses from my phone this evening.

Day 382

More frustration with solicitors and house buying/selling. I'm nearly there. Have now got 50% to agree to a date, just need the other half to agree and we'll be on for 15 August.

It's only 2 weeks away and I'm a world away from being ready, packing wise. Mentally,  not sure if I'm ready or just impatient with the delays. Either way, it's happening. Soon.

As soon as I get confirmation that sale contracts have exchanged then I will delete one of his phone numbers and all messages from it. His works mobile probably. His personal phone and whatsapp messages will be deleted on moving day. Probably that night when I'm in my new home, alone and probably scared. It sill be almost ritualistic but I can't wait to get it over with.

But before that I have to pack.

I'll just watch one more episode.