Day 170. New Years Eve

The awful year has finally come to an end.

I still haven't had a reply to my text yesterday and I've considered sending another, but given how lonely I felt when he didn't reply yesterday, I'm going to try not to.

I never celebrate New Years Eve. This year is no different although I have bought myself a bottle of wine, some ice cream and am going to make my favourite dinner, macaroni cheese.

So this year has seen the arrival of my beautiful niece who terrified me at first but I now adore.

It has seen my fiance cheat on me, leave me, treat me like dirt. It almost destroyed me.

It has taken my beloved Ronnie dog from me.

But I have survived. I haven't done it alone. Kind friends, family, workmates and a cyber family have literally saved my life.

My hopes for 2017 are that I continue to grow stronger. I can be forgiven for the occasional blip! I have a house sale to go through and hopefully a house purchase all by myself. I want to try and see this as exciting and not as pant wetting scary.
I want to lose weight, ride my horses and stay positive.

Thank you to all the people that have read my thoughts and given me strength and advice. I wish you the best for the new year.

2016 you can fuck off.

2017 Look out I'm coming to get you!

Day 169

What is wrong with you?

You ring me after 11pm on Christmas Day. Upset, wanting to chat to me. Supposedly single and sad. I only answered the phone because I thought there might be something wrong as it was such a random time and day to ring me.

Ive spent the last 5 days going over and over things in my head. All because of that 5 minute conversation where you hung up on me.

You have no idea what it did to me. How I've been struggling ever since with confusion. I think you regret it all and you want to tell me. You've tried to talk to me a few times before now.

So I ummed and arrd for days whether to contact you or not. I have questions that I have no right to ask. They will change nothing except give me peace of mind. I thought I would give you the opportunity to say what I thought you wanted to say.

So I could stand it no longer and I text you today to ask what you had wanted to talk to me about. I expected you to reply saying "nothing, forget it". I didn't even get that.

I got nothing. No reply.

And so that is it.

I believe you love me but you are a coward and are not prepared to be honest with me. It makes no difference either way except that it would have been nice to feel a little less worthless. But you can't think of anyone other than yourself.
I am done with you. There are no more chances, no more opportunities to do the right thing and apologise to me.

I will always love you in a way Gavin but I will always hate you more.

Happy New Year!

Day 168

Inner turmoil continues. To contact him or not?

I'm resisting the urge so far. I know it would set me back. But he's on my mind constantly.

I think I should go to the start of this diary and remind myself what he did to me.

Day 167

Arrived at work this morning to a Christmas day email from him that he had sent to the wrong address. Wow he sure was desperate to get hold of me.

While I was at work he went to the house to collect his motorbike. He text again...to say thank you for leaving the garage open.

Too many texts. Too much contact

My head is a mess.

I'm running scenarios in my head. Messaging him to ask for more information.  Meeting him to walk the dogs. Inviting him over for New Years Eve.

I don't want to do any of those things but he has stirred it all up and it's eating away at me. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I'm starting to feel sorry for him, then I come to me senses and I'm angry, then pity again.

I have no work for a week now. Too much time to be alone with my thoughts. It's torture.

I felt so much stronger. It was a relief to believe he was living with her, that he really was the disgusting stranger that I thought of him as. Now I'm just confused and back to feeling upset and lonely.

I have questions that are driving me to distraction..

1. Who is the girl that witnessed his signature?
2. Has he had any contact with grab a granny since Day 1?
3. Does he not miss me at all?
4. Is life so much better now?
5. Does he want to come back?
6. Does he love me?
7. Why the fuck does he keep phoning me?

I must be strong and resist...

Day 166

I was looking forwards to today. After 2 days of festivities I couldn't wait to resume my position on the sofa with the dogs and the remote control.

But that's all been spoiled by thoughts of him. Constantly on my mind. All because he thought it was ok to contact me because he was down.

Now my head is all over the place. I believed he was living with grab a granny, it was closure. The final piece of the puzzle that meant I could I get on with my life.

Now I don't know, and it's driving me mad. I don't want to have a conversation with him, but I want to know who the girl is that witnessed his signature. She must be the slappers daughter, how can she not be? I didn't know her surname but this girls mother has the same first name. She lives in the town where the sordid Travel Lodge meetings were taking place. It's 100 miles away. He wouldnt2 know anyone else there. It's too much of a coincidence...it can't be one.

I'm so confused and resisting the urge to facebook investigate. It will hurt me and do me no good. I must resist.

I text him this morning in reply to his request to see the dogs. I simply said "yes at some point". He pretty much said the same to me when I asked him months ago if he would like to visit them. He didn't give a shit then, why should I now?

Tomorrow I have to work in the morning and while I'm out he's coming to collect his motorbike. I hope he doesn't try to get in the house as I haven't told him I've changed the locks. He doesn't live here, he doesn't need to know. I also hope he's long gone before I get home. He has just this minute text me to remind me to leave the garage unlocked so he can get his bike in the morning. No mention of the dogs or the phone call.

My heart is aching and I've been teary, it's no good hearing from him. It stirs it all up.

Day 165

Boxing Day. After last nights shock phone call and resultant upset I felt hungover this morning despite not drinking.

I trecked back to my parents shame faced that they all knew he had called and upset me and that they'd all had a drunken discussion about it the night before.

10 minutes after I arrived he text me again. There was no mention of the previous nights phone call, no apology for getting upset or calling me. He simply said " Can I see the dogs at some point".

Seriously...what the hell? Why is he asking me that? I asked him months ago if he could dog sit for me and he said no. He's collecting his motorbike in 2 days but didn't ask to see them then when we organised it. Is he asking because he thinks I want him to? After what I said last night it all feels a little strange. I didn't answer him back.

I had a little heart to heart with my mum. I was so upset when she told me that if I decided to have him back that, subject to me making certain rules to protect myself, she would welcome him back. That she genuinely loved him and feels very hurt. And that my step dad is very upset and has told her that he thought they had a good relationship and he now wonders if any if it was real. I brought this person into my family. I feel enormous guilt and shame that he has also cheated on them and betrayed their trust.

I don't know what he wants but I can't help him. Is he trying to tell me he wants to come back? If so I just wish he'd spit it out so I can tell him straight. Is he just messing with my head again to boost gis confidence?

Either way it's wrong.

Day 164. Christmas

Last night I went to my parents for dinner. While there I got a text from my ex's sister wishing me a Happy Christmas etc. It was thoughtful and kind of her. It took me off guard and I had a momentary stumble.

Today I woke up alone. No presents. Nobody. Just me and my 2 faithful dogs. I was absolutely fine. I spent a couple of hours in rain and fog seeing to my horses and walking the dogs. The rest of the day spent with my family. The dogs were so well behaved. In and out of the car in opposite shifts to my baby niece.

She made Christmas. I have dreaded today for months. But I didn't miss him at all. I barely thought of him other than to think what an idiot he is as he would love her so much and we had so much fun with the stupid snapchat face swap thing we played with all day.

I left at 11pm and 10 minutes later he text me and then emailed me, "are you awake?"

I couldn't believe it. I got through the whole day without being sad. I was actually happy. And he text me again, "can we chat?". I replied I was driving.

10 minutes from home he phoned me. I answered it. I had said I wouldn't if he ever called me again but I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didnt answer. He was sheepish. Asked if we could talk during the week. I said we were talking now, what did he want? He just wanted to talk to me. Right.. I've heard this before.

Turns out, supposedly, he's spent the day in a pub by himself. He isn't with grab a granny. Doesn't live with her. Hasn't been with her since he left me. He lives 20 minutes up the road in a rented room. I was so cross when he told me that I saw red. I told him his sister had been kinder to me than him. That she had contacted me to wish me well unlike him who was just feeling sorry for himself. And that I can't believe that all this time he's been a short drive away and he hasn't bothered to visit the dogs and now Ronnie is dead.

That was the nail in the coffin. My painfully cruel words did the intended and he hung up in tears. He didn't man up and apologise for not being there for me or for Ronnie. No. Because he was upset he hung up. Regardless of how I might feel.

I just cant believe I've been so strong today and he's been so selfish. I refuse to feel sorry for him.
A) I don't believe him
B) All his choices have led him to wherever he may be
C) He can fuck right off

Now I have to go to bed with tears in my eyes and doubt in my head.

Bastard.

Day 163

So it's Christmas Eve.

I've wrapped my presents. It felt very unnatural to sign the tags just from me. I had to pause on each one to make sure I didn't include his name on autopilot.

This evening I am going over to my parents for dinner. The poor dogs will have to stay in the car because of the baby. I can't leave them at home as the remaining old boy will bark and although I despise my neighbour I can't allow that to happen.

I am determined not to cry. I will not. I must not.  Not in front of them anyway. I expect I will most defibiteky and cry on the drive home.

It's just self pity. A change from the norm. Shame. 

I can do this.

Day 162

Boredom, only spoken to the lady on the till at the shop.

It's Christmas Eve tomorrow so I'll see my family for a few hours.

Can't get the bastard out of my head. I hope he chokes in his fucking turkey.

Day 161

So the Christmas holidays begin.

While all of my work colleagues are off enjoying drinks and dinner at the works Christmas party I'm home with the dogs eating crisps and watching TV.

I feel very sorry for myself. Which is stupid as I said at the beginning of the year that I was sick of the works do and wasn't going to go this year. I also said I was sick of going to my parents for Christmas day and we were going to stay home this year. I should be careful what I wish for.

I am sitting here alone in my PJs crying. I feel so pathetic and need to get a grip.

No work now until 3rd January except a morning in the office next week. Plenty of time for me to paint the ceiling stained after the water leak and make a start on packing my home up. What every girl dreams of doing Christmas.

Day 160

I'm tired. Really tired. My emotions are dragging me down. I'm fed up with being by myself all the time.

Tomorrow is my works christmas do. I can't go. I must come home and sit alone with the dogs like every other bloody night.

I'm suffering with extreme self pity today. I want to hide under the duvet and never come out.

I expect tomorrow I will be feeling totally different. It's like I have multiple personalities dependent on how tired/upset/stressed I am. 

I want to stop thinking about him. Need to be hypnotised or hit very hard on the head. I just want him gone. I don't want to be thinking about him being with her. If they're watching our tv programmes. If she's washing the clothes I bought him. Them Christmas shopping and decorating the tree. I don't care about it...why do I keep thinking of it and torturing myself. I hate him. I dont want him. I couldn't care less what he's doing but it keeps coming into my head.

I just want to delete him from my life. A few weeks and I can advertise the  house for sale and start making a serious effort to erase him.

Day 159

Day 200 is getting ever closer. This was the magic number I wanted to fast forward to so I would be mended and all would be right in my life.

How stupid of me. Although I am a far saner person with more control of my emotions I still live in a world of shit. I cannot see any great improvement landing in my lap in the next 41 days. So I wish it was day 366. One year and one day past the day the world ended for me.

14 July 2017 I'm coming for you and you better be good.

Day 158

I hate him so much I want to call him every name under the sun while I smash his stupid face in with a bat.

He text me this morning to ask how me and the animals are. Called them all by name. How are we doing without the dog I lost last week? I didn't see the message until he sent the second one asking me to leave the garage open for him one day so he can arrange for collection of his pissing motorbike.

So he didn't actually give a toss how we were doing he was just softening me up to ask about coming round. I replied that I was sad and missed the dog and yes ok he can collect the bike but what else is he taking and I'd leave it ready. This was at 10am. He replied at 6.30. He's not collecting anything  else. When I told him I'm emptying the garage over Christmas and New Year and if he wants anything to take it at the same time as his bike, his response was that I said I'd be amicable!

Amicable! I haven't set fire to his stuff is what I replied to him. How dare he. Has he forgotten what he's done? How does he have the nerve to even message me he should be grovelling. I really don't know him at all.  What a selfish pig.

And to top it all off in exchange for the dishwasher working yesterday, today I have mice in my utility room. Its external to the main house but I use it every day and now I'm wetting myself.

Why is this happening to me?

Day 157

As Sunday's go its not been too bad. I've really tried not to think about him but it seems to be all I can do at the moment.

It's hardly surprising seeing as it's Christmas next week and I am now pretty certain that he is with her, grab a granny.

I feel very down. Again, hardly surprising when you factor in the loss of my beloved little dog last weekend. I don't want my ex back, but it is still really hurting that he, anyone, would, could do this to me. At times I can't believe the situation I'm in. I wonder how did I get here, how did it happen? And then I remember it's because the short arsed balding bastard I chose to share my life with turned out and to be a sack of shit.

It is not my doing.

For what feels like months my dishwasher has been broken. A repair man felt like an unnecessary expense so I've been creating a leaning tower of dishes every few days. Today I thought I'd just give it a try.  I couldn't believe it. It was a praise the lord hands in the air hallelujah moment. It works. I was so overcome that something actually went right for me that I cried. I cried out loud, alot. I cried because the dishwasher works.

This is not normal.

Day 156

It's a very strange thought that and if my ex was to die, it is not beyond reason to think I might not be told.

We were together for years, engaged, but a complete stranger would be at his funeral mourning him. It makes me feel very strange.

These are the kind of things that plague my thoughts. I don't want to be thinking about him. About him being with somebody else. He doesn't deserve happiness, he's in the wrong. It is not right that I'm the innocent person but it's me that is suffering. How can he live with himself? I guess that's the difference between a good and a bad person. I could not lie to someone the way he has done. It makes me feel sick. I thought I knew everything about him. It's a horrible feeling.

Christmas is a week away. Then its a new year, new start. House will go on the market and I can start to make plans and look forward.

I'm scared but it has to be done.

Day 155

The day my fiance of 7 years told me he was having an affair he changed his phone number so that his slut/whore/granny couldn't contact him.

This means I can send messages to him on his old number and he doesn't actually get them. I'm a little ashamed to admit I've done this more than once. This week I messaged him to say I hope his fucking slut dies and that he's alone and miserable for the rest of his life.  Some might say this is weird or not healthy. I don't really care.

I have a couple of years worth of messages toing and froing to that number. What do you want for tea? What time you be home? Silly photos of the dogs. Just ordinary every day messages couples send to each other.  I've looked through them of course to see if I missed the signs over the previous year. Be late home from work, stuck in traffic. Nothing obvious. I really felt stupid for not knowing. How couldn't I? I must be thick. He'd rented a flat and organised a removal van. He had taken his passport, I didn't think he even knew where I kept it. How did I not know?

I've finally come to the realisation that I'm not thick. He's no mastermind capable of stealth. I just simply trusted him. I had no reason not to. I went from day to day trusting that we would always be together no matter what because we were made for each other.

That isn't stupidity. Thay makes me a decent human being. Sadly I don't think I will ever be in that position again.

I have zero interest in meeting anyone else. I suppose I will change my mind at some point but I am 41 now. Give myself a couple of years to "find myself" and I'll be mid 40's. I would never want to be with someone younger than me again which means people approaching or over 50.

Uh-huh! There's no way I'm going to embark on a relationship with someone my dad's age. Obviously my dad isn't 50 but...I cannot imagine myself with someone that age.

I think I shall be a smelly old lady that has a house full of dogs that scares the local children. There was one of them at the end of our road when I was a kid. I wonder if she used to be a nice person until some piece of shit damaged her?

Day 154

Nothing to report today.

No drama, tears. No contact.

Just the way I like it.

Day 153

I can't remember but I assume there was a time when there was no pain. Things were rubbish in our relationship for a long time. They have been terrible ever since.

I long for the time when I am pain free.

I miss my little dog. His silky little bony old mans head and noisy snoring. Pain.

I cried today thinking about the day I have to leave my house. Pain.

I have so much to be thankful for but I'm finding it hard to focus on it at the moment. Christmas is just a day. I spend nearly all the time I'm not at work by myself. I don't mind mostly. So what if I'll be on my own in the evening on Christmas day. Except now that I'm fairly certain that he's with/living with grab a granny I can be fairly confident he'll be having a nice Christmas.

Its not fair. Why should he? He should be miserable. Why should someone be able to do such a terrible thing and have no negative consequences. I want him to be miserable and lonely and feel regret for his disgusting actions.

I hate him.

Day 152

It feels like it's been months that I've been asking him to sign some legal paperwork about the house. In reality its probably only been one.

There was no response, then he had no address as he was living in a hotel, then he'd sent it but 2 weeks later it still hadn't arrived. Yesterday he said he'd sent it, today my solicitor emailed me to say it had arrived but he had signed it incorrectly. Fuck me how hard is it? Sign here.....

He has had his incorrect signature witnessed by a girl. A girl I've never heard of with a post code that looks suspiciously like it belongs to the same area where shag a granny lives. So of course I looked her up on Facebook. She's a young girl. Plastered in make up and straightened hair. I just know this is her daughter. But theres no photos of a toddler and nobody called Samantha on her friends list. Samantha aka home wrecking married granny slut.

But I will not be deterred. I Google the address. A business is registered there. I Google the business, look it up on Companies House website. And what do you know...the Company directors are a Samantha and her husband.

The dumb Bastard has hidden the fact he's with her, doesn't want me to know where he lives, but he gets his new stepdaughter to witness the paperwork that I have to countersign. I now not only know her surname, I know what she does for a living, where she does it from and it would pretty easy to get hold of her. I know that shes not 45, shes 46 and turns 47 in December. Probably just before Christmas which would fit with him having sex with her for the first time just before last Christmas. Pretty easy to guess what day that happened on now.

I felt the red mist descend.

This was all while I was at work. I was ranting, swearing. I felt my eyes start to sting and said I was going to the loo to cry. When I got there I looked in the mirror
I was scowling, gritting my teeth like a mad person. I wasn't upset. I was furious. The dirty lying bastard. How long did it take for him to go crawling back to her tail between his short fat legs? All this time he's obviously been with her, living with her?

I am extremely grateful that my bosses son was working in my office today. Although he did hear me declaring what I'm going to do with his stuff, and he may have heard me ranting about tracking them down and setting their house on fire while they slept, it did mean I couldn't spend hours tracking her down on Facebook. The truth is that I dont want to know what she looks.

She will be slimmer than me. Everyone is. That will hurt me.

The fact is, I don't care. She is 10 years older than him. She has a husband, 2 children, a grandchild, a business. She is a liar and a cheat. He is also a liar and a cheat. He has nothing. A few possessions and a motorbike which may or may not still be in one piece when he eventually collects it.  They are welcome to each other.

I haven't shed one tear. I care about being lied to very much. I don't care that they almost certainly live together.

This is a huge corner for me to turn. I guess all along I have felt that I still cared for him. That he'd got himself in this situation and probably didn't know how to deal with it. That deep down he wasn't really a bad person.

Well fuck that. He is now emotionally dead to me. And if I see him in person quite possibly physically too.

Roll on 2017.

Day 151

To say the last few days have been excruciatingly painful is putting it mildly.

Non dog lovers won't understand. It's not just an animal to me. To make a phone call to book an appointment for my "child" to die is heart wrenching. To have to wait 3 days for that appointment, carrying on as normal, looking in his little face. That is soul destroying.

But I managed it. I did the right thing and I did it without my partner at my side.

I told my ex as a courtesy. Because Ronnie deserved to be mourned and because he did love him in his own way. I did not tell him because I wanted him to comfort me. To share stories about him, be friends. And I definitely did not tell him so that I can offer him comfort.

With exhaustion and grief I went to bed at 9.30 last night. I was rudely awoken an hour later by a text from him.

Can we talk tomorrow please?

Is he joking. What on earth is there to talk about? Is he going to try and take the dog from me? Is he going to tell me his whore is pregnant. Is he seriously going to contact me again when I am in so much pain, and he must know it?

I couldn't get back to sleep. I spent the entire night awake overthinking, stressing. I got up at 5.15 and started my routine early. I had to text my boss at 7am to ask if I could have the afternoon off as I knew there was no way I would last the day let alone a 20 mile drive home in the dark.

Just as I pull into the carpark at work at 8am he phoned me. 8am! What the hell? Is he doing it on purpose? Is he seriously so selfish? I didn't answer the phone but text to ask him what he wanted.

Just to talk.

Just to fucking talk? There have been many occasions when I've wanted to talk. When I needed you. Like when I had to phone the vet. I needed to talk to you then. I needed you to share the burden and tell me it was the right thing to do.

I needed you to talk to me while I held my 17 year old dog while he died. I needed you to hold my hand and drive me home.

I fucking well do not need you now. When you feel sad and guilty and think I'm going to comfort you. I need you to fuck off.

But I just told him that I didnt want to talk to him and he promised to post the paperwork about the house back today.

Day 150

It's been a peculiar day.

The 2 headed beast and I went for a lovely walk to my favourite place with beautiful views. I took the 3 headed beast there a few weeks ago but the poorly pup was in his ruck sack.

The sun was shining, the view was great. Walking 2 dogs was much easier than 3. I had a cry.

My ex also text me. I messaged him last night as I thought he ought to know. He messaged me straight back. 3 or 4 times. Hes sorry, he misses them, am I ok. I didn't answer him. What's the point in engaging in a conversation when it's only to make him feel better. This morning he asked me if I was ok. Again I didnt reply.

I am ok. It feels odd. His twin is a little unsettled. He is sitting in his brothers bed as I type this. He is a bit senile so he's usually a bit confused anyway.

My family is shrinking. 5 months ago there were 5 of us. Now there's only 3.

Day 149

So I said goodbye to my 17 year dog today. He was a pain in the arse, annoying little shit with a big attitude.

I will never forget when I had just brought him home and my then boyfriend was teasing him and he went for him and bit his bum and was hanging off the back of his jeans. A tiny little terrier that would fit in one hand.

It was a horrible experience I will have to repeat. I held him, could feel his little heart with my hand and then within seconds I didn't. It was so fast which I am very grateful for. My parents had met me there so they could take him back to their little pet cemetary at home. I didn't go with him. I wouldn't have coped.

Bizarrely I stopped at the supermarket on my way home then spent the day watching tv. I waited until 5.30 to text my ex in case he was at work today and would be upset.

The other 2 dogs dont seem to have noticed yet, not even his twin. It is very sad. I miss him already.

Chase rabbits in the clouds Ronnie, I love you.

Day 148

I'm so very sad and spending as much time as I can with my little dog tonight so nothing else to say today.

Day 147

The guilt I feel is overwhelming. I know its the right thing to do but I just look at his little face and my heart breaks.

Of course the little fucker has perked up a bit tonight just to make me feel worse. It could be to do with the massive turkey breast and beef steaks I have in the oven for his last few meals.

Its so hard.

Day 146

Appointment at the vets has been made for Saturday morning.

My heart is broken at a whole different level. My eyes are swollen and bloodshot from crying.

I'm not going to tell him.

Day 145

Tears again today.

Nothing to do with him although I did have to contact him about legal paperwork that hasn't turned up yet. He answered me straight away, was cooperative. Said he'd print and post again. Funny, his printer is still here in my spare room. His "hotel" must have facilities!

Arsehole.

I'm upset as I've pretty much come to a decision about my little dog and I'm in pain about it. It's so hard. My family have lost so many pets but this is the first time I'm having to deal with it. And I'm alone. And I'm torn whether to tell him or not. He doesn't deserve the chance to say goodbye but I know he will be very upset even though he's not bothered to visit them for months. I have to think of me and it will not help me to have him messaging me, upset or otherwise. It feels very cruel.

Life is cruel. Just when you're down..here have another knife in the heart.

Day 144

Today's domestic drama revolved around the lack of light in the utility room.

Light is needed. To be able to use the screwdriver to turn on the broken tap and to be able to see where to reattach the tumbledryer door to. After much swearing by torchlight I managed to remove the fluorescent tube and starter, went to the wholesalers for new ones and Ta-dah! All sorted!

The rest of the day was spent Christmas shopping. Oh joy! It was busy, tiring and too bloody hot. Why on earth the shops turn their heating up so high I do not know. It did not make for a pleasant day out. On a positive note I didn't feel upset AT ALL about doing it by myself without him. Not for one second. Not when I walked past the mens gifts, not when I went for loners lunch for one and quite possibly sat at a table I'd sat at with him.

Fuck him. It's his loss.

Day 143

I can't stop thinking about it this weekend. I was up early. Sat outside B&Q for 45 minutes waiting for it to open so I can go and buy a power saw to cut some wood thats too big for the fire because the useless prick didn't do it.

There's Christmas decorations everywhere. People getting ready to go shopping for their friends and family. And I'm in my wellies waiting for a DIY shop to let me in.

I'm so angry. I feel such overwhelming hatred for him. And her. I want to hit him with a car. A shovel. Anything.

The dog is really not doing so well. Thats been upsetting me today. The stress is overwhelming.

Tomorrow I have a day off work to go and do Christmas shopping, the last thing I want to do. I've spent 2 presents worth of money on the saw and the piggy bank I started last January had £82.40 in it!

Bah humbug.

Day 142

The Saturday blues are back.

I was ok until I found myself in the middle of Dartmoor being dragged by 2 dogs with a disabled one in a rucksack on my back. Freezing cold with icy wind blowing a gale in my face. I just lost it. I was crying and screaming at the top of my voice like a complete freak. What the fuck am I doing?

At that point I felt so totally alone, desperate. A complete loser.

The wind blew away my tears. Nobody heard me. I just got back in the car and carried on with my day.

I've been ok since.

This evening, just to remind me that I mustn't feel too positive about things, the door fell off my tumbledryer.

So just to recap, since I last saw him and he walked out of the house on 27 July...

Car no 2 breaks down on Dartmoor
Headlights in car need changing
Tap in utility room breaks
Shower head breaks
All 3 dogs get flea infestation
Car no 1 breaks down on Dartmoor
Burst pipe/water pours through ceiling
Brakes on Car no 2 fail
Rear lights need replacing
Dishwasher breaks
Dog is poorly needs vets
Another dog is poorly cant afford vets
Engine coolant warning on car
Door falls off dishwasher

It's like a really bad joke. Nothing like that happened when we were together. When there were 2 salaries and 2 people to support eachother. I have coped.  It may sound like they are just minor things but when your world has collapsed they feel major. 

I hope that there isnt anything else. I really have no money. The dishwasher isn't fixed, I've pushed the tumbledryer door back on and its let me switch in on thankfully.  I will have to take the dog to the vets. My car still isn't right and it's making me anxious as I do so many miles a day but going back to the garage is not an option.

I hope I can make it to the end of the month without anything else happening!

Day 141

So todays original diary entry has disappeared into the either thanks to a technical fault.

I text him to ask when the motorbike is being collected.

He didn't answer me.

I got tearful thinking about Christmas and the shame I feel.

I hate him.

I settled for him because I lacked confidence.

I hate him again.

Bastard

Day 140

Who needs a man!

Today I topped up my engine cooling fluid!  Never heard if it, never knew it existed but the car has been beeping at me to do it. So I did.

I feel accomplished.

Baby steps.

Day 139

I've heard from him twice today.

8am he text to say he's posted some legal paperwork back to my solicitor.

I ignored him.

Then this afternoon another message asking when I'm going to be home so he can send round someone to collect his motorbike.

Assuming this wasn't a ruse to see when it's safe to let himself into the house I answered him back. If it, was well he'll be sorely disappointed as he can't get in! Despite my anxiety about the lock change it does feel quite good that I don't have to worry about it happening.

I dont know if it's genuine, the bike collection, or just more contact because I didn't respond this morning. It all just feels like a stupid game and I'm sick of playing it.

I am wondering if a bag of sugar in the bikes petrol tank might be a nice idea.

Day 138

Successful day today. No drama, no panic about the lock change.

It was good to be back at work, back to my routine.

Its freezing cold and I'm tired from my 5.30am start.

PJs Tea and bed

Day 137

I haven't heard from him. I was convinced he would contact me today and find out I've changed the locks.  I received a text earlier and my heart sank. But it wasnt him.

I don't know why I'm worried. He doesn't live here. He can't just walk in, or expect to be able to. He left 4 months ago. I think he's only been back twice. I don't know why I'm stressing out about it.

4 months. It feels like it should be longer. At the same time it feels like he was only just here.

What a confusing contradiction.

Dog seems a little happier today. Onwards and upwards.

Day 136

I've finally locked him out. He can't get in and take the dog. He is going to go mad.

I've wanted to change the front door lock for  so long that I should be really happy that its finally done but I'm so anxious about how he will react. With any luck luck I won't have any contact with him until the  house is sold. Knowing my luck he will want to come round this week.

I am so angry with him.  I keep remembering places we've been this year and the realisation that he was sleeping with someone else at the time. Lying to me the whole time. When we took the horsebox out to put petrol in it. He was so happy driving it. I took photos and posted on facebook, bought him an ice cream at the petrol station even though it was freezing.

When we took the dogs for a walk in the woods, went shopping for paint, when we went to the cinema in the midle of the day. Spent hours shooting monsters onnthe playstation. Lies lies and more lies. All lies. None of it was real. He must have been laughing at me. On Valentines day, on  Mother's day. Every day.

How was I so blind. I thought I was an intelligent person, a good judge of character. I am neither. I am blind and gullible. What an idiot.

I cannot imagine ever trusting again. i don't know how other people move on. I guess because I have nothibg else I am dwelling on it. I can't wait to move. I love my home and will be heartbroken to leave but it can't come soon enough.

Day 135

The days are just flying by.

Soon it will be day 200. The day I wanted to fast forward to so I wouldn't be feeling pain anymore.  I don't think 200 days will be enough.

As Saturday's go of late, it's been ok. Not been any drama or tears although there has been some overthinking and moping. But that's ok compared to the Saturdays I was experiencing 100 days ago.

Tomorrow the front door lock is being changed. I've wanted to do it for so long, it will be such a relief to feel secure. I know there will be backlash from it. It's me, my luck, how couldn't there be. The day after the locks are changed he'll probably ask if he can let himself in to get something. "Well no, you're locked out" isn't going to go down too well. I have to keep reminding myself..he had a whole other life, viewed a property with his mistress, he left me devastated. Almost killed me.

Tough fucking shit if he doesnt like it.

Day 134

I had the day off work today and first thing this morning he texts me.

Of course he does. On my day off. When I want to have a nice day I instead spend the day over thinking.

He text to say he was returning the solicitors paperwork in the next few days, so I should be pleased. I just hate any contact from him.

I managed to have an ok day in the end. Took woofer to the vets, waited 45 minutes for my appointment, but came away with some medicine and a nig bill so hopefully I'll see an improvement and it will be one less thing to stress about.

Saturday tomorrow, seeing my parents as it's stepdads birthday. Hes depressed as hes getting old. Join the club!

Day 133

Incident free day today. Not heard anything from him again. I'm trying to find someone to put a new lock on the front door so he can't take the dog and I can relax. Then I can put pressure on him to sort this out or I start smashing stuff.
 
I'm off work until Tuesday so hopefully I can sort it out while I'm off I have no more nervous drives home from work to see if the dog has gone.

Little dog is going to vets tomorrow. I'm thinking positive thoughts. If it works on him I'll have to be more positive about myself!

Day 132

I've kept it together today, feel more like myself.

Not heard from him and neither has the solicitor. I'm at my wits end with it all. I just want to get on with my life without him.

I'm going to change the locks on the front door.

I don't care if he doesn't like it. I'm sick of him calling the shots.

Bastard

Day 131

I have made it to lunchtime. There have been tears and excessive use of the C word in the office this morning.

Another email from the solicitor about having no response so I text him again. Got upset talking to a work friend about whether I should let him know that my old dog's not doing so good. If I should let him know, when the time comes, to say goodbye. My colleague said no, but I thought he would be upset and it would be the right thing to do.

Then he messages me. He can't give the solicitor his address as he doesnt have one, he's staying in a hotel. Can paperwork be done by email? He's staying in a hotel? What the actual fuck? My initial thought was that he's moved out of the area, working away perhaps. Then he messages again to say we need to talk about "the dog" and what he's going to take from the house. 

This of course escalates, with me being all nicey nicey musn't upset him although I'm dying inside. He wants an inventory, yes of course sir. You've fucked me over and destroyed my trust but by all means do a fucking inventory sir.  Just don't mention the dog again.

And then he does and I have to tell him straight, no. That is a step too far and she's staying with me. I have cried, I have the shakes. I'm back to stressing about changing the door locks. And he still hasn't signed the solicitors document.

I don't know how much more I can take. The whole point of this arrangement was so that we didn't have to have any contact with eachother. He'd get a call when he needed to sign the house sale papers and collect his things. I don't want him in my life anymore. I want him to be a distant stain on my past. Not in my present. I am so stressed out.

So I've gone to the kitchen at work where there's no phone signal and I'm hiding from him and his reply about the dog.

People that don't have animals won't understand. It's just a dog. But she's not. To me it would be like giving a child away. He hasn't seen her for months, he cannot seriously think he can just take her.

And if he's living in a hotel he couldn't have a dog? I now suspect he's living with her. That is why he won't give an address to the solicitor, in case I find out. I don't care, they're welcome to eachother. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now. It's just more lies. I could contact his sister, I'm almost positive she would tell me if she knew. But whats the point, I would just be more concerned that grab a granny was going to get her hands on my dog.

I hate him.

Day 130

The Saturday blues have been replaced by miserable Mondays. I have not had a great day.

When you decide to get a pet, a puppy, two puppies, you don't think of how it will feel when their short lives come to an end and you need to make a hard decision. I certainly didn't. 17 years later and I may be facing it now.

The past 7 years, building a relationship, was supposed to mean that I have somebody to support me, stand beside me while I consider making the hardest decision of my life. But here I am. Alone.

The dog in the trolley is not doing so good. He's going to the doctor on Friday to get checked out. I feel terrible. I'm afraid. He is struggling to walk, usually when we're out and it's raining. Tonight he was quite sprightly when he heard me rustling in the kitchen. But it's inevitable. This week, next month? At some point it will happen and because if somebody else's poor choices I will be facing it alone.

So I was sad today. I cried on my drive to work. I had an email from my solicitor to say she hasn't had a reply from him. So that added to my anxiety. Is he being a dick again? Is it revenge for the bloody money tin? So I cried on my way home from work, I cried when I got home and then I cried on my drive to and from the stables.

I am all cried out, for now.

If I do have to make a decision about my dog, should I tell him? Give him a chance to say goodbye? See him again? It's more than he deserves but it would be the right thing to do. For my conscience.

He is such a bastard arsehole he doesn't have a clue what I've been going through. I resent him so much I want to cause him physical pain. 

He better reply to my solicitor or the motorbike gets it!

Day 129

The twins turn 17 today. Two of my dogs that is. I wondered whether I should let their former dad know, remind him. Make him feel bad, miss them.

I didn't bother. It's his loss. They enriched his life more than he did theirs.

So as a birthday treat the old codger had his maiden voyage in the rucksack, aka doggie trolley. It was daylight so it was less conspicuous to have a dog on my back than in a trolley...luckily we didn't see anyone. It wasnt a huge success as his more able bodied brother was jumping up trying to get to his brother and tripping me in the process, and the giant beast was practically pulling me over. But we survived and all enjoyed themselves.

I keep remembering that I ought to be packing or clearing things out. I've gotten a little too comfortable here alone, doing my own thing. Reality is going to hit as soon as the house goes on the market in January, and that's not very far away. 

I just want it all to be over with so I can try and stop dwelling on all the negatives and try to look forwards. It's hard as I don't know where I'm going to end up. I like to be organised, have a plan, be in control. I've not been any of those things since Day 1 and I won't be until I have moved house and can delete his number.

I still can't believe that I've found myself in this situation. In an ordinary long term relationship. Going day to day in the normal routine. Then out of the blue my most trusted partner puts a knife in my heart and disappears off the face of the earth and I just don't see him again. How has this happened? Why? These are the things I want to stop dwelling on as now I have made myself cry.

Day 128

I've had a great day today.

I spent 7 hours at the stables with the horses. I had them clipped, tidied up, did jobs I'd been putting off for ages. It was freezing cold and my back is aching but I didn't think about him once.

It wasnt until I left for home that he crossed my mind. Is today the day he's been to the house without telling me? I really want to change the kocks for my peace of mind. Once he's signed the solicitors document I'll be straight on it.

So I'm home out of the cold. Showered, big knickers and comfy clothes. Content.

So long depressing Saturdays, please stay away.

Day 127

I've survived another week. Early starts, long days, a horrible emotional blip and a car catastrophe that I really can't afford.

Next to tackle is the weekend. I think I'm over the Saturday blues now so it should be a breeze. I didn't hear anything else from my solicitor so still trying not to over think things. It's very hard.

Christmas is doing my head in. It's everywhere. Again I'm trying not to over think. It's just a day, but with roast potatoes. That's what I'll carry on telling myself. Doesn't matter if I'm home alone for most of it. It's no different to every other day I'm not at work.

I will be fine.

Day 126

Today I won the lottery, well £10 on the post code lottery. And a cheque for £75 arrived as an apology from the insurance company for the water leak fiasco.

So some good news for a change!

I felt a little wobbly today when my solicitor emailed me to ask if I had a contact number for my ex. Why? What's going on? Has he contacted her, has he not? I'm trying not to read too much into it.

Rain, wind, thunder and lightning walking the dogs this eve so I gave the doggie trolley a miss!

Not too bad a day!

Day 125

Today my doggie trolley arrived. Yes....a doggie trolley.

One third of the 3 headed monster is finding it hard to walk nowadays.. He turns 17 in a few days and while his twin is physically fit but losing his hearing and marbles, he is suffering physically but eyes and ears seem ok.

It makes walkies very stressful!

So in an effort to help him I have bought him a little trolley that doubles as a rucksack so if he gets tired I can carry or pull him rather than have to cut short our walks. Oh the shame of it... I have for many years laughed at people with dogs in pushchairs. I am only planning to use it after dark as I don't want someone to take a picture of me secretly and come across it on Facebook...the fat childless tramp looking woman with a dog in a carry on suitcase! I myself have taken discrete pictures of a lady with a dog in a pram on the bus, bold as brass.

I am looking forwards to testing it out tonight.

This is what I am focusing on today. Not the draft document I received from my solicitor this morning. The document that makes legal our agreement about my home and distribution of money from the sale. It was inevitable, I've been waiting for it. Chasing it up as solicitors like to work at their own pace. But it was still a little shock to receive it. I don't feel sad as such. More...disappointed.

I bet if I went back to the start, Day 21, and read all the way through, I must sound like I have a personality disorder. Up/Down. Strong/Weak. Happy/Angry. That is how I have felt. I'm really trying to stay positive daily but have had a major blip this week. I have less sleep, eat less, stopped drinking coffee. I really stress less about things like getting home for the dogs or horses. It used to be a major cause of stress, for both of us. I'd do my 20 mile drive home from work not knowing if he was home or not as he wasn't answering his phone (too busy with shag a granny I now know). The dogs would be barking like nutters. Then I'd have to wait for him to get home before going for the horses so we'd be home really late and I'd have to cook dinner at 9.30pm.

Now its only me that's responsible. I don't stress as much. The dogs will be barking whether it takes me 45 minutes to get home or an hour. The horses are safe. I can take my time, I don't have to rush home to cook for anyone. Its up to me if I just have a packet of biscuits for my dinner or have a late night because I want to cook.

I am doing it all by myself. It is hard but honestly, it is better. At the moment. Tomorrow I may change my tune.

Day 124

I'm back to optimistic me today.

The meltdown/blip is behind me and I have learnt a lesson. Do not answer the phone if he rings!

There were weeks and weeks where I would have given up one of my vital organs just to hear from him but those days are long past. I cannot identify with the poor creature that started this diary 124 days ago. I feel ashamed that it was me, that I stooped so low to have these desperate feelings for someone who had already proven himself not to be worthy of my time let alone anything else.

But I guess I'm not the first person to act that way, there must be people all over the world having similar feelings as I did that first month. I feel terrible for them. I wish they could read this and realise it does get better. All the "time heals" comments that seem so completely ridiculous are actually true.

I have a way to go but for the rest of today at least I will continue to wear my positive persons hat.

Day 123. Part 2 - A Rant!

I am so unbelievably angry and cant believe he is being a twat over £70 cash when it is going to cost me around £10,000 to sell the house.

That's what I should have text him back. He needs reminding of this except I'm still tippy toeing around as he can let himself into my home whenever he likes.

Not sure I've mentioned before as I'm in the red mist, but I have a £7000 penalty on the mortgage because we signed up for a new 5 year mortgage ONE MONTH before he fucked off. That is 11 months after he started an affair. What a moron.

I had to take my car into a garage this morning as I almost hit cars in front of me on my drive to work as my brakes failed. I've got a quote of approximately £500. I can't believe it. It's just one thing after the other. I have £500 but it's put aside to pay towards my horses over the winter as he no longer even pays towards the mortgage and I don't want to ask my parents to help me, though they are fully prepared to. It is so shameful.

I am really scared about my future again. I can afford a small house in a shitty area but when the inevitable vets bill or broken car happens I won't be able to pay for it. I am 41 years old and have worked full time since I was 17 yet I feel I have nothing but bad decisions to show for it.

I am feeling so low again after a couple of weeks of being so positive. Nobody should have to feel like this.  I think all single people should live together. A commune. I don't mind not having a love interest but I do very much mind being alone.......

Well if the above is part 2 this must be part 3 of todays rollercoaster.

The garage were still working on my car at 5pm and panic started to set in. The dogs were waiting for me at home. I didn't know what I was going to get home to. Would he have been in the house. Was I going to be upset, angry? 45 minutes later I set off for home feeling sick. Got home 6.30. Before I went in I checked in the box where I'd left his mail and oh what a surprise. The twat hasn't even been round.

He is still continuing to lie to me. It was not about his post, it was 100% about his money tin. What a totally desperate loser. I don't know why I still believe a word that comes out of his lying mouth.

Will I ever learn?

Needless to say the self pitying has come to an abrupt end.

Day 123

I am so angry. And offended.

The Arsehole text me at 7.50am to ask if he could come to the house to collect his post. I told him I'd leave it outside as I don't want him going in because a) the house is a pig sty and I don't want him to be reminded that I'm a slob and b) I don't want him to see the dogs and be reminded that he wants one of them.

He then asked if I could leave a money tin out for him. Now we're getting to it. That's what he's really after, not a few bits of junk mail.

Last New Year I bought us both a money tin to put some cash aside for this Christmas seeing as how I never seem to have any money and always end up paying for his family presents. I thought it would be good if he actually had some cash he could give me towards it. We sold an Iphone and each put half the money in our respective tins, he maybe put a couple of tips from work in there etc.

I opened it last month. After he stopped paying for one of the horses I thought fuck it. There was approximately £70 in it. I can't exactly remember how much but it wasn't anything to get excited about.

So I text him back that the money was gone, that I'd put it towards fixing the car the first time I broke down. He had told me he'd pay for half the car repairs and then when I got it fixed he didn't send me any money. I didn't use it for this specifically, I just spent it on my everyday stuff. Dog food, petrol, hay for the horses, I can't remember.

His response... unbelievable. It's his money and he paid for tyres on my car. WTF.

My response...You had an affair, I win!

What an absolute prized prick.

With hindsight I now have lots of witty responses I could have sent to him but what I really should have sent is that it works out he paid me £10 per year.  How dare he? I'm so angry but now also worried that he's angry too and going to go into the house and take something. Of course I grabbed my money tin and it's now stashed in my car. It probably has even less in it than his, but that's not the point.

I better not tell him that I sold that thing he'd left out the front of the house a couple of months ago.

This is why I need to be having no contact with him. He's blowing hot and cold. Ringing me one day "to talk to me", then sending me petty texts about how he paid for my tyres. Isn't that something a man does for his partner? If I had known he was a lying cheating piece of shit I wouldn't have let him take my car to the garage. He offered. I couldn't give a toss about car tyres.

I gave my solicitor instructions 2 weeks ago to draw up a document for him to sign to the terms we've agreed on. It's still not been done! I had planned to change the locks on the house the second I got the signed paper in my hand and now I wish I hadn't waited.

He must be desperate for money and I cannot find any sympathy for him. He is the maker of his own downfall. The obvious solution would be for him to sell that motorbike sitting in my garage but of course he won't, he'd rather come to my home and disturb me looking for tidbits. Send me shitty texts.

Why doesn't he ask Grab a Granny for some money. His dirty little visits to the Travel Lodge probably cost him more per visit than what was in that fucking tin. Go to her for reimbursement, not me.

What a loser.

Day 122

I've had a great afternoon.

I've been out to lunch with my parents and visiting sister and niece. We met at the lovely pub I used to go for special occasions with the unfaithful one. I felt nothing. I was a little anxious before hand, in case I had a reaction, but I didn't.

The pub has a lovely garden with a lake and ducks and chickens and peacocks. We used to have many laughs at the funny feathered creatures before. It didn't bother me at all today.

I feel so happy. I put make up on,  did my hair. Felt like a human being for a change.

Watching my baby niece across the table I did give him a thought....You idiot. You would have loved her.

It's his loss and although it does still hurt and I get upset sometimes I am most definitely coming out the other side.

Day 121

Why did he have to phone me?

I was pretty much at the point where I felt nothing for him, other than regret for the wasted years. Now I'm reliving it all. Day 1 going over and over in my head and I feel hatred for him again.

He was such a lying pig. Even when he wanted to stay and was coming clean he was still lying. I remember asking him questions. Calmly, surreally. I asked if they'd talked about moving in together and he said "there is a house there if  we want it". I didn't know what this meant, I was confused. I assumed a relative had a house they could move into or something, It wasn't until later when it was agreed he could stay and he went out to to make calls to cancel his flat and removal van. When he got home he said he'd "rung that woman to tell her he wouldn't be paying anything for the house". Again I was confused. He meant the new landlady surely. I asked him what lady? And he meant her..the whore.  I was so shocked that he'd actually had the nerve to phone her when he was putting me through this that it didn't really register that in fact they must have actually rented a place and he was meant to pay towards it until his 4 month flat rental was up.

I had also asked him if they'd talked about kids and "it had come up". I mean WTF. I asked I she had kids, and she did. Had he met them? One of them? An 18 year old daughter that had a toddler. She'd come to collect the kid while grab a granny and presumably my fiancé were babysitting. I was gobsmacked. So the daughter knows about you? I asked. I mean, this woman is married. Having an affair. The daughter knows about it? He laughed "she does now", as though it was a joke and I was his mate and not his life partner.

I mean, what a piece of shit. Typing this now I fail to understand why I have allowed this disgusting excuse for a human being to hurt me, continue to hurt me. He doesn't deserve the energy I'm spending typing this, let alone my tears and most definitely not my thoughts of ending my life!

I didn't get to see my sister and niece today, time ran out.

Tomorrow I'm meeting them all at a pub for lunch. "Our" pub where we'd go for birthday lunch or mothers day etc. It's where we met my parents the day before any of this happened.  I thought  I would never be able to go there again as it would hurt. But fuck him. I have zero happy memories of  my time with him. They have all been tainted so I'm going to drive there tomorrow with my head held high and walk in just like anyone else walking into any other pub.

Day 120

I slept for 10 hours last night. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

I feel back on track today, stronger again. Work has been boring, my horses survived their abandonment last night and tomorrow I will see my visiting sister and baby niece.

All is good.

Day 119

After the early starts this week and last nights tears I am absolutely shattered today.

I am mostly ok but tiredness is magnifying my emotions and more than likely I'm feeling things that I really needent.

I don't feel safe driving this evening so my poor horses aren't having a visit tonight.

Dinner, hot water bottle, bed.

Day 118

I've just got in, sat down and my phone rang.

It was him again. Mistake..I answered it. He says "sorry for ringing you" so I asked him what he wants. "Just to talk to me, am I in bed?"

Oh my fucking god is he serious?

In bed? I've just got home. I asked him what he wants to talk about, assuming he's going to tell me he's coming to take things away or cut off the internet. But no..he actually wants to chat. Wants to know how I am. The dogs and the horses. If I'm ok, if everything is alright.  I said yes, everything is great. He apologised for ringing and we hung up.

And now I'm in floods of tears. I know I will be ok tomorrow. Probably in half an hour, but at this very moment I am taken back 118 days and I feel heartbroken. I know his voice so well. It was a shock to hear it so clearly. It sounded just like my old Gav and not the evil bastard I have conjured up in my mind.

I'm so upset. I should text him and tell him not to contact me again but I won't. Because I'm a fraud. I'm clearly not ok.  I  have snot bubbles blowing out my nose and my ears are all blocked from crying.

Why does he have this power over me? I hope it is just the shock of hearing him that has caused this reaction.

Is he unhappy? Is that why he's rung..twice now? Or is it his guilt..he's trying to make himself feel better?

How has he forgotten in the space of 3 months that I would be busy with the horses. Why would I be in bed?

I was doing so well....

Day 117

My optimistic mood seems to have failed me today.

I shouted at the Managing Director at work and I was absolutely petrified doing the horses tonight.

Now I'm dreading tomorrow and probably not going to sleep which will not help my frame of mind in the morning.

I suppose I had a good run. 4 days without feeling like an absolute loser and failure. I need to pick myself up again.

Chin up, tits out...as they say!

Day 116

Had a really early start this morning. Alarm went off at 5.30, it was really cold and the car windscreen was frozen.

Not the ideal start to a Monday.

I'm really trying to keep positive. Getting up early, being alone in the dark on the moors, being cold and tired looking after my animals. It's a choice. I have chosen to do it. Nobody is forcing me. I choose to keep my horses and manage them alone. I must stop seeing it as a chore or a punishment. The alternative, not having them, is far far worse.

So my alarm is set for 5.30 again tomorrow and there's a towel on my windscreen to keep a clear patch.

I can do this.

When I got back this evening I had a serious panic as I couldn't find my door keys. I emptied my enormous handbag of my collection of tissues, pen lids and receipts. I turned the car upside down. After 10 minutes I was nearing a breakdown. Thinking I would have to either phone him to get his key or sit in the cold waiting for a locksmith I couldn't afford.

I just thought I'd check the front door..and sure enough there they were. I was so relieved and so annoyed with myself. Luckily I didn't have to ring him for help and be upset when I didn't get any. Luckily I didn't get burgled!

So I have now stashed a key somewhere and hope I can remember if I ever need it!

So disaster averted, let's see what tomorrow brings.

Day 115

I am 100% ok today.

I can't believe I've gone a whole weekend without once feeling really low and upset.

This week I have to start getting up really early to see to my horses before work so come next weekend I'll be exhausted and probably not quite so perky or optimistic.

I haven't done any packing or sorting in the house. I can't be bothered. I'm being really lazy and just ignoring this mammoth task ahead of me. I'm using the excuse that I can't get in to sort out the garage as the arseholes motorbike is in there. I could manage if I really tried. The loft is another story...I've never been up there. I'm scared of the ladder and if I get stuck up there I'd be screwed..no-one would know.

So I won't take any unnecessary risks and will stay safely in front of the TV.

Day 114

Yay It's Saturday and I'm not depressed. I've barely even thought about "being alone".

This is huge. I feel good. Quite happy, optimistic.  Its unlikely to last but will enjoy it while I can.

It's freezing cold again. Fireworks are exploding all over the place. Thankfully my old dogs are quite deaf so it's not so much of an issue nowadays. My horses are safely in their stables and hopefully not frightened.

We never went to a bonfire night fireworks display because we could never leave the dogs.  Something else I can do with a new partner in the future if I'm lucky.

I don't feel miserable so I have nothing else to say.

Day 113. Anniversary Day

I woke up and immediately thought about texting him with something witty that would make him confess his love and regret.

Alas I couldn't think of anything.

After some advice from some cyber friends I decided not to bother. I would have spent the day checking my phone and would only have been disappointed when I didn't get the reaction I wanted, or even a reply!

And actually I'm fine. Not sad at all, not really bothered. Facebook showed me a memory from 3 years ago. A post I'd made joking about lack of romance as we were in different rooms watching different TV progs on our 4th anniversary. Says it all really. The rose tinted goggles are off now that I'm feeling stronger about things.

It's fireworks night tomorrow. Perfect weather for it. Cold and clear. Was lovely sky and beautiful moon tonight. I actually thought I might take a garden chair up to the moor one night and wrap up in a blanket with the dogs and just star gaze. It's so beautiful sometimes.

On second thoughts its freezing and bloody scary so maybe something to consider if I'm lucky enough to meet someone new in the future.

Am not dreading tomorrow, Saturday. The day of the week I usually feel sad and lonely. I'm looking forwards to spending time with my horses and doing my own thing.

Who is this positive person and what have you done with Mrs Moany?

Day 112

I got my first dick pic today.

Not from someone on a dating app but someone random that follows me on twitter.

I got a message..How old are you? Looking for an older woman. Love a fat arse.

Now I know its been a while but surely chat up lines can't have changed that much. Despite the fact I seem to fit this individuals criteria I politely declined.

And then came the dick pic.

I mean really? So I told him I was embarassed for him and blocked him.

All afternoon I've been at work thinking that there's a stranger's penis on my phone. What if my boss knocks my bag and my phone falls out and opens to that exact page?

So tomorrow is the next milestone. Our anniversary. I cant think if anything clever to text him so may just call him an Arsehole. Maybe I could forward the dick pic...that would confuse him. I'm not planning to be down. I don't want to feel sad that we're not together tomorrow, I want to feel grateful that I didn't waste any more years. Not sure it will go to plan.

Day 111

I'm trying to think of something witty and cutting to text to him on Friday. What would have been our 7th anniversary.

It needs to be clever, cutting. I want him to feel something. I don't care what just something. Regret, sadness, itritation even.  I've had no indication of any emotion from him for around 100 days.  And that's fine, but I'm angry now and want him to know that I think he's an idiot without actually telling him he's an idiot. I want him to feel.

How dare he have done this to me. For 6 years and 9 months I put up with his short legs, little dick, thinning hair, pea brain and childish mentality. I fed him, washed his clothes paid for most things, and he does this to me? He hasn't ruined my life, I won't let him, but he has wasted a really big chunk of it. I genuinely believed we were both in it for keeps and that is why I accepted the little things that weren't so great. No passion or romance, barely any spark. But I was glad to exchange that for security, a companion. Someone that knows everything about me and will always be there.

If only I had known the little bastard was a fraud I wouldn't have put up with such a stale relationship for that amount of time.

I am angry. I must find the right words to send him on Friday.

Day 110

It's been a good day today.

I laughed until I cried at work. Unfortunately I had someone on the phone waiting to talk to me. I had to cut them off I was hysterical.

Apparently my friend had a swarm of STI carrying ladybirds at her house a few days ago. I googled it, it's a real thing. I was in hysterics. It felt so good to laugh.

The car worked fine, I didn't get attacked by the boogeyman or a murderer which in the current scheme of things is a result!

Day 109

If there was ever any doubt that the universe has it in for me, I am now sure.

Today is Halloween. The clocks changed last night so it was already dark when I arrived home from work. I got upset driving to the stables. It's not something I should be doing alone in the dark. The yard was pitch black, I was nervy just getting out of the car to open the gate to drive in.

In my wisdom I left the headlights on so I had something to focus on from the field, like a lighthouse. A beacon in the dark. I was seeing to the horses with fireworks going off in the background thanking god they were behaving and not getting spooked while I was in with them. I was thinking how I was never going to meet anyone spending my life in the dark in the middle of nowhere unless it was a murderer, in which case I'd probably rather not meet them.

While I was thinking all these stupid things my car battery was merrily draining down. So I did meet someone tonight. A fricking vehicle recovery truck driver.

Thank god this time round I had breakdown cover. I had to wait about 90 minutes and spent most of that time wetting myself in the dark. The distant fireworks explosions were scary. The flood light kept turning off which meant venturing from my car into the dark waving my arms like a lunatic. My phone battery was going down so had to turn my internet off. I was so alone...apart from the dogs who were trying to gas me out of the car.

I did cry. I was genuinely scared, really creeped out. I have to go every night, alone. In the wind and rain it's even worse. I am nervous just thinking about it.

It would have been our 7 year anniversary on Friday. I am so angry with him I feel I should send him a message in Friday to tell him what I think of him. But what would be the point. I'll only end up checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if he's replied.

It's times like this that I'm reminded of what he's done to me. I don't know why so much is going wrong for me, but it's all his fault and I hate him for it.

Day 108

No dramas. An ok day.

Sunshine and lots of TV binge watching.

No random phone calls, no checking my phone for messages. I'm ok.

Nothing to report here, move along.

Day 107

Saturday started predictably. Feeling down.

As soon as I woke up I wanted to check my phone. See if he'd tried to call me again. Is that what he wanted? To get under my skin again? Well he failed. I was a little unsettled but actually I'm ok. I'd still like to know wtf he was thinking. I am sure he was ringing for a nice friendly chat. He probably needed an ego boost and thought I'd be happy to talk to him as we finally have agreement about the house. That that must make him a good person.

There is nothing he could ever do to right the wrong. I cannot believe I was actually giving him a second chance all those weeks ago. Someone asked me today if I would have him back and I can say with all honesty not a chance in hell. And it is mostly down to his behaviour after the fact. When I needed him most he didn't care. There is no possibility that we can ever be friends.

So all in all not a bad day. The sun was shining, my horses were lovely and I've lit the fire and got my favourite TV programmes lined up. What is there not to be happy about?

Day 106

It's been a really stressful day at work.

I cried when I left as I was so tired and felt frazzled.

Last night the dishwasher broke. Another tick in the box for shit things to deal with.

I was so looking forwards to relaxing at the weekend. Catching up on some sleep, spending time with my horses.

Now my head is mashed and my weekend probably ruined. As I was unloading the dogs from the car for a walk tonight I heard my phone ringing and just ignored as had my hands full. When I got back to the car I saw it was him! He had rung me. For the first time in months. Unprompted. I was really annoyed. What the F did he want? I'm too tired to deal with anything new. I msgd him back to ask if he'd rung and he replied, yes he actually replied, saying it doesn't matter. I assumed he'd rung me by mistake and sent a sarcastic reply about pressing my name instead of hers. The first time I'd really had a dig  about anything so assumed he'd be annoyed and that would be that.

But he rang again. Bearing in mind for the past 7 years he has known I will be busy with the horses at that time of night I was really cross and driving through a dodgy signal area on my way home. But I answered, hands free of course officer, and he was like Hiya, you alright? What the hell? Is he messing with me? Like we were mates and he was ringing for a chat. I was so shocked I barked at him. WHAT DO YOU WANT? And then I lost signal. I guess I reminded him what a horrible person I am and now he doesn't want to talk to me.

I am so confused. Yesterday I finally had agreement from him about the house and have a little security back. Today he rings me for a chat? I just want him to go away but apparently I also want him to want me. Of course he doesnt, and I don't want him but now, I feel sad and confused and I hate it. It was the first time I had heard his voice in such a long time. And I barked.

And to make it all worse I've got a mountain of washing up to retrieve from the dishwasher.

Day 105

This shit is real! As if there has been any doubt for at least 2 months!

Today I have been supplying a solicitor with information. Looking back over mortgage applications and emails with estate agents. It's all quite sad really. Not as sad as it could have been, considering the first day in the house wasn't exactly the romantic magical event I might have hoped for. If you've, been following my diary you'll know what I mean. If you haven't, well you should!

I got a bit upset this morning telling my workmate about possible plans for ducking out of Christmas this year. I don't know what to do for the best. I know I will feel ashamed in front of my family...sister and brother in law and step sister and step brother. I will feel upset and I don't want to cry in front of them. I have water leaking from my eyes now. It's involuntary, I have no control.

I have time to decide but it's weighing on my mind. I expect he'll have a lovely Christmas. Either back up North with his family or with the unglamorous granny and her offspring. I would feel betrayed if he spent Christmas with his family which is stupid, they owe me nothing. But he is a piece of shit and doesn't deserve to be treated as anything less. I don't care if he spends it with the slut, she's welcome to him.

Which is why I don't get why the idea of him not being with me is so upsetting. I guess because its change. If the routine was different perhaps it would be easier but knowing every year is exactly the same is hard. Embarassing.

I'm so tired which doesn't help.  I need a break from it all. A nice peaceful stress free time with no thoughts about houses or money or being scared. A long sleep with no bad dreams. A coma would do the trick.

Day 104

We have finally reached agreement about the house.

It means I cannot market the house until after Christmas, but I have some power back and now no reason to have contact with him until I have a buyer for the house. Its the best possible outcome. It's what I wanted. I feel nothing.

Not happiness, not relief, nothing.

I am so exhausted. I was shocked to realise earlier that it is only 3 months today since I have seen him. It feels so much longer. I am worn out. I just want it to be over.

Day 103

I can't even be bothered.

Not heard from him again.

Been scared in the dark.

Blah blah same as every other day.

Day 102

I have never hated you more than I do right now.

I am exhausted and cold and wet. I have been in the pitch black pouring rain entirely alone in a field with two cold wet horses charging at me while you're probably sitting on your big fat lazy arse stuffing yourself with KFC.

I have been walking the dogs in the most vile weather and I was afraid.  Physically scared.

I hate you Gavin. I hope one day you stumble across this blog and read what you've put me through. I hope you read all the things I haven't been able to say to you because I'm afraid you're going to take my dog or my money if I'm not pleasant to you.

I hope you read that I wish I had been single the last 7 years and that I had never met you. Never got myself into the situation where I am now one of those people scarred by infidelity. Like you must have been when your wife did it to you! You piece of shit.

I hate you Gavin. I hate every memory I have of you. They are all tainted. You can take your trip to Paris and shove it up your arse. All the presents and jokes and tears of laughter we used to share are all destroyed. There is only one memory that stands out for me now and that is you trying to blame this on me.

It was you. Your tiny dick and even tinier brain.

I hate you.

Day 101

Day 101. More like room 101.  Isn't that where you put things you hate?

My life needs to go in room 101.

I am suffering with the Saturday blues today, on Sunday. I woke up with a cold, a headache a black cloud over me. I had arranged to meet up with a lady to walk our dogs. A possible new friend, but I've cancelled because I can't face it. I am my own worse enemy.

I've just stood in my kitchen crying like a total loser. I feel so alone today and as though he has left a huge hole in my life. He hasn't. He's a horrible pig and I'm better without him so I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm crying now.

Tomorrow a programme we watched is starting again. It ended on a huge cliffhanger. I've been counting the months until it started again and now it's here and I have no one to scream at the tv with. It's a just a tv programme and I'm making a huge deal out of it.

And I'm crying again. I need someone to give me a good slap around the face and tell me to get a grip. I bet he's not shed one single tear over me or what I'm going through.

As I stood in the kitchen crying I thought about reaching for the bread knife and adding to the pretty pattern on my arm. That is messed up, it's just not me and its a little scary to think that I could so easily do it.

I've been stressing about Christmas too. I can't face it. Waking up in a house by myself is just too depressing a thought. It's always the same routine. We go to my parents, sit in the same seats on the sofa, around the table. I am ashamed to face my family without him on Christmas day. It will be too obvious that he's not there and even though I don't want him there it will be too hard that he's not. That sounds like a mad person talking. 

I am thinking of staying away on Christmas day. I've looked into local charities and lots look for help on Christmas day with the homeless or elderly. I tried to bring it up with my parents yesterday but I couldn't. They won't understand.

I have a couple of months to tackle the subject. I need to concentrate on getting a grip now, nevermind then.

Day 100

100 whole days.

I feel as though today I should have woken up a new woman. 100 nights alone in bed at night. 100 times waking up alone. Surely that should be enough to shake this all off.

Alas not.

I have a plan of action going forward and two responses from him in one week is really positive. But it is Saturday!

Had a lovely few hours with my horses in the sunshine this morning. They really are the most amazing creatures and I am so lucky. I have to do everything I possibly can to keep them. They are such big hearted animals and it fills my heart to hear them call for me when they see me.

I took the 3 headed beast for a walk down the road this morning rather than on the moors. Wow what a mistake. I don't know how we didnt get hit by a car or arrested for causing a public nuisance! Not to be repeated any time soon. I'll take my chances with the boogeyman on Dartmoor!

So it's another exciting evening of channel hopping with interludes to the bare kitchen cupboards. I keep hoping the comfort food fairy will visit but the cupboards are still empty each time I open them!

Tomorrow a new person moves into the stable next to me. This will be the first new person I've met since being single and she doesn't know about him. It feels a bit odd. Everybody knows me, or knew me, as half of Gav and Sarah.

Now I'm just Sarah.

Day 99

Friday today. Everybody is rushing home to start their weekend. Getting ready to go out or making plans for the next 2 days.

I also rush home on Friday, same as every other day. I rush home to my barking dogs. I rush home to get to my horses. These things should make me happy. I choose to have the animals, I am prepared to do the work and struggle to find the money, but I really have nothing else.

He has replied to my email again. I should be happy. I almost have agreement in my favour. But instead I cried all the journey home and I sat in my car outside my house while my dogs were barking, just blubbing. I'm crying now.

The brief communication we have is so emotionless. He doesn't ask how I am, gives no indication that he's sorry or remorseful. It hurts. It will probably always hurt which is why I need to be rid of him and have no contact ever again. In a couple of weeks it would have been our seventh anniversary. Thats a long time, a proper grown up relationship. Not a fling for a few months. To know he can just wipe me from his life is so horrible.

I still maintain I'm now better without him. If he knocked on the door I wouldn't take him back, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me still. Rejection is a terrible thing.

So its Friday night and while lots of people are looking forwards to their night, I've fed my horses, walked my dogs, had something for dinner out of the freezer and I've bleached my tache!

Day 98

Today's blog post is about there being no blog post.

I have nothing to write about, nothing going on, nothing any different than any other day.

I am boring. I am bored.

Day 97

Yippee Woohoo Hurray!

I've had a reply to my email. He's alive...he's answered me.

Imagine my disappointment when he doesn't acknowledge any of the points I'd raised or suggestions I made. No mention of money or equity or percentages.

Simply....can we wait until after Christmas to put the house for sale?

Whaaaat? What is his malfunction? Seriously? I am at my wits end. It is worst than dealing with a child who could at least string a sentence together!

I replied too quickly without thinking.

Of course I'd love to stay in my house as long as possible. If he's willing to carry on paying then bring it on. But only if an agreement can be reached now about who gets what.

So I've emailed him again tonight with a counter proposal and giving him 2 days to reply or I go ahead with estate agents without his agreement and instruct a solicitor to boot! The estate agent I've chosen can market without his involvement, I just won't actually be able to  exchange contracts. I hope it doesn't come to that so will just overlook that minor problem for now.

What a complete bellend he is. He's calling all the shots still. I don't know or care what his ulterior motive is for delaying the house. But its still all about him. He has no shame. Thank god I've got myself together now but for all he knows I'm in the same state as when he last saw me 3 months ago and I'm surrounded by and being tortured by the sight of his stuff. Hes not considering me at all.

I want to go mad and smash all his precious shit. It's crap, a TV, clothes, tool box. But I better play nice, tiptoe round the eggshells so as not to upset the moron. The lying granny shagging twerp.

I'll wait until I manage to get a signed agreement and then me and his motorbike have an appointment with an angle grinder.

Day 96

Proper scary walk on the moors in pitch black tonight.

If I broke my leg in a hole or was attacked by the boogeyman, nobody would know apart from the dogs who would likely make a run for freedom if I was half dead on the floor.

Another reminder of being alone...alone....alone. As I type it I hear it like an echo...am I losing the plot now?

Went out for lunch today with 2 current and 1 former workmate. It was nice, I felt normal. Not on edge that someone might say something that would upset me. I laughed and joked and enjoyed myself. Got excited at work talking about our friends wedding next year. I'd love to wear the lovely dress I wore for my sisters wedding in Italy. It was 3 years and 3 stone ago. I have until September, I could do it. If only I'd stop thinking/eating about it. Would it be weird to wear the same dress I wore when I was with him? Would I feel funny? I'd look like a giant bright floral nightmare in central London I know that much. I got away with it in 30 degrees sunshine in Amalfi.

I hope come September the horrible little waste of space won't enter my mind! Although going solo to a wedding is bound to be peculiar.

No contact from him about the house...sigh!

Day 95

I'm back on the roller coaster today.

It's very hard to explain. I feel good mostly, to the point that I got this. I own it. Almost feel empowered that I can hold a conversation, look people in the eye, I am not a wreck anymore. I can do this.

Then out of nowhere I'm back down again. For no particular reason that I can see. No obvious trigger. I don't revert to the blubbering wreck but I suddenly feel very down and like it's all back on my shoulders.

I do not miss him. I do not want him back.  The strongest feeling I have for him now is contempt.  The sadness is the situation. The loss of what I thought I had. A companion. Someone always there. The first person I think to tell when there's some gossip like someone at work is pregnant, or the shitty texter is being shitty. That is the void I feel when my face slips.

I think I'm doing really well. 94 days ago I was sawing at my arm with a pair of scissors. Having thoughts of doing much worse to myself. Thank God I didn't do anything so stupid over somebody so worthless.

So I am on the up..but also a little on the down on occasion but I think that's probably ok.

On a positive note I did think some more about dieting....while eating a cinammon bun followed by pistachio nuts for lunch!