Day 151

To say the last few days have been excruciatingly painful is putting it mildly.

Non dog lovers won't understand. It's not just an animal to me. To make a phone call to book an appointment for my "child" to die is heart wrenching. To have to wait 3 days for that appointment, carrying on as normal, looking in his little face. That is soul destroying.

But I managed it. I did the right thing and I did it without my partner at my side.

I told my ex as a courtesy. Because Ronnie deserved to be mourned and because he did love him in his own way. I did not tell him because I wanted him to comfort me. To share stories about him, be friends. And I definitely did not tell him so that I can offer him comfort.

With exhaustion and grief I went to bed at 9.30 last night. I was rudely awoken an hour later by a text from him.

Can we talk tomorrow please?

Is he joking. What on earth is there to talk about? Is he going to try and take the dog from me? Is he going to tell me his whore is pregnant. Is he seriously going to contact me again when I am in so much pain, and he must know it?

I couldn't get back to sleep. I spent the entire night awake overthinking, stressing. I got up at 5.15 and started my routine early. I had to text my boss at 7am to ask if I could have the afternoon off as I knew there was no way I would last the day let alone a 20 mile drive home in the dark.

Just as I pull into the carpark at work at 8am he phoned me. 8am! What the hell? Is he doing it on purpose? Is he seriously so selfish? I didn't answer the phone but text to ask him what he wanted.

Just to talk.

Just to fucking talk? There have been many occasions when I've wanted to talk. When I needed you. Like when I had to phone the vet. I needed to talk to you then. I needed you to share the burden and tell me it was the right thing to do.

I needed you to talk to me while I held my 17 year old dog while he died. I needed you to hold my hand and drive me home.

I fucking well do not need you now. When you feel sad and guilty and think I'm going to comfort you. I need you to fuck off.

But I just told him that I didnt want to talk to him and he promised to post the paperwork about the house back today.