Day 155

The day my fiance of 7 years told me he was having an affair he changed his phone number so that his slut/whore/granny couldn't contact him.

This means I can send messages to him on his old number and he doesn't actually get them. I'm a little ashamed to admit I've done this more than once. This week I messaged him to say I hope his fucking slut dies and that he's alone and miserable for the rest of his life.  Some might say this is weird or not healthy. I don't really care.

I have a couple of years worth of messages toing and froing to that number. What do you want for tea? What time you be home? Silly photos of the dogs. Just ordinary every day messages couples send to each other.  I've looked through them of course to see if I missed the signs over the previous year. Be late home from work, stuck in traffic. Nothing obvious. I really felt stupid for not knowing. How couldn't I? I must be thick. He'd rented a flat and organised a removal van. He had taken his passport, I didn't think he even knew where I kept it. How did I not know?

I've finally come to the realisation that I'm not thick. He's no mastermind capable of stealth. I just simply trusted him. I had no reason not to. I went from day to day trusting that we would always be together no matter what because we were made for each other.

That isn't stupidity. Thay makes me a decent human being. Sadly I don't think I will ever be in that position again.

I have zero interest in meeting anyone else. I suppose I will change my mind at some point but I am 41 now. Give myself a couple of years to "find myself" and I'll be mid 40's. I would never want to be with someone younger than me again which means people approaching or over 50.

Uh-huh! There's no way I'm going to embark on a relationship with someone my dad's age. Obviously my dad isn't 50 but...I cannot imagine myself with someone that age.

I think I shall be a smelly old lady that has a house full of dogs that scares the local children. There was one of them at the end of our road when I was a kid. I wonder if she used to be a nice person until some piece of shit damaged her?