Day 118

I've just got in, sat down and my phone rang.

It was him again. Mistake..I answered it. He says "sorry for ringing you" so I asked him what he wants. "Just to talk to me, am I in bed?"

Oh my fucking god is he serious?

In bed? I've just got home. I asked him what he wants to talk about, assuming he's going to tell me he's coming to take things away or cut off the internet. But no..he actually wants to chat. Wants to know how I am. The dogs and the horses. If I'm ok, if everything is alright.  I said yes, everything is great. He apologised for ringing and we hung up.

And now I'm in floods of tears. I know I will be ok tomorrow. Probably in half an hour, but at this very moment I am taken back 118 days and I feel heartbroken. I know his voice so well. It was a shock to hear it so clearly. It sounded just like my old Gav and not the evil bastard I have conjured up in my mind.

I'm so upset. I should text him and tell him not to contact me again but I won't. Because I'm a fraud. I'm clearly not ok.  I  have snot bubbles blowing out my nose and my ears are all blocked from crying.

Why does he have this power over me? I hope it is just the shock of hearing him that has caused this reaction.

Is he unhappy? Is that why he's rung..twice now? Or is it his guilt..he's trying to make himself feel better?

How has he forgotten in the space of 3 months that I would be busy with the horses. Why would I be in bed?

I was doing so well....