Day 95

I'm back on the roller coaster today.

It's very hard to explain. I feel good mostly, to the point that I got this. I own it. Almost feel empowered that I can hold a conversation, look people in the eye, I am not a wreck anymore. I can do this.

Then out of nowhere I'm back down again. For no particular reason that I can see. No obvious trigger. I don't revert to the blubbering wreck but I suddenly feel very down and like it's all back on my shoulders.

I do not miss him. I do not want him back.  The strongest feeling I have for him now is contempt.  The sadness is the situation. The loss of what I thought I had. A companion. Someone always there. The first person I think to tell when there's some gossip like someone at work is pregnant, or the shitty texter is being shitty. That is the void I feel when my face slips.

I think I'm doing really well. 94 days ago I was sawing at my arm with a pair of scissors. Having thoughts of doing much worse to myself. Thank God I didn't do anything so stupid over somebody so worthless.

So I am on the up..but also a little on the down on occasion but I think that's probably ok.

On a positive note I did think some more about dieting....while eating a cinammon bun followed by pistachio nuts for lunch!