Day 136

I've finally locked him out. He can't get in and take the dog. He is going to go mad.

I've wanted to change the front door lock for  so long that I should be really happy that its finally done but I'm so anxious about how he will react. With any luck luck I won't have any contact with him until the  house is sold. Knowing my luck he will want to come round this week.

I am so angry with him.  I keep remembering places we've been this year and the realisation that he was sleeping with someone else at the time. Lying to me the whole time. When we took the horsebox out to put petrol in it. He was so happy driving it. I took photos and posted on facebook, bought him an ice cream at the petrol station even though it was freezing.

When we took the dogs for a walk in the woods, went shopping for paint, when we went to the cinema in the midle of the day. Spent hours shooting monsters onnthe playstation. Lies lies and more lies. All lies. None of it was real. He must have been laughing at me. On Valentines day, on  Mother's day. Every day.

How was I so blind. I thought I was an intelligent person, a good judge of character. I am neither. I am blind and gullible. What an idiot.

I cannot imagine ever trusting again. i don't know how other people move on. I guess because I have nothibg else I am dwelling on it. I can't wait to move. I love my home and will be heartbroken to leave but it can't come soon enough.