Day 101

Day 101. More like room 101.  Isn't that where you put things you hate?

My life needs to go in room 101.

I am suffering with the Saturday blues today, on Sunday. I woke up with a cold, a headache a black cloud over me. I had arranged to meet up with a lady to walk our dogs. A possible new friend, but I've cancelled because I can't face it. I am my own worse enemy.

I've just stood in my kitchen crying like a total loser. I feel so alone today and as though he has left a huge hole in my life. He hasn't. He's a horrible pig and I'm better without him so I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm crying now.

Tomorrow a programme we watched is starting again. It ended on a huge cliffhanger. I've been counting the months until it started again and now it's here and I have no one to scream at the tv with. It's a just a tv programme and I'm making a huge deal out of it.

And I'm crying again. I need someone to give me a good slap around the face and tell me to get a grip. I bet he's not shed one single tear over me or what I'm going through.

As I stood in the kitchen crying I thought about reaching for the bread knife and adding to the pretty pattern on my arm. That is messed up, it's just not me and its a little scary to think that I could so easily do it.

I've been stressing about Christmas too. I can't face it. Waking up in a house by myself is just too depressing a thought. It's always the same routine. We go to my parents, sit in the same seats on the sofa, around the table. I am ashamed to face my family without him on Christmas day. It will be too obvious that he's not there and even though I don't want him there it will be too hard that he's not. That sounds like a mad person talking. 

I am thinking of staying away on Christmas day. I've looked into local charities and lots look for help on Christmas day with the homeless or elderly. I tried to bring it up with my parents yesterday but I couldn't. They won't understand.

I have a couple of months to tackle the subject. I need to concentrate on getting a grip now, nevermind then.