Day 49

I am so angry.

After house valuation and a call to the the mortgage company yesterday I am livid. In June, the month before he left, we signed up for a new 5 year fixed mortgage deal. At no point did he hesitate or suggest a shorter deal. I innocently signed us up and sent off the forms. As we are 2 months into a 5 year deal the penalty to pay the mortgage off early is £7340. Its going to cost over £10,000 to sell the house. That is all of the equity. Gone.

I was so angry last night I text him.

"So is going to cost over £10k to sell the house. Think what we could have spent £10k on to make us that much happier. A new kitchen and slate floor downstairs. Decent 4x4, gastric band, wedding and honeymoon.
Instead you chose to spend £10k to have sex with another mans wife in a Travelodge. She must be amazing to lose your family and all that money for. You idiot".

Unsurprisingly he didn't reply. I am so disappointed. Thought at least I would come out of this ok money wise. I will still have the deposit money put down on the house but this is heartbreaking.

The mortgage was due yesterday. I paid it as normal. Today is his pay day..no sign of any money from him yet. Has last nights text meant hes not going to pay this month?

I am so sad still. For weeks I've been convinced that I would have him back if he asked. I have now realised that I wouldn't. I know that the day it changed was the day I broke down and he didn't help me. That was the day he killed any chance of righting a terrible wrong. It is upsetting. I am disgusted with him.

He tried to blame things on me when he first told me, that it was my fault because I used to call him stupid. Well the facts don't lie do they?

He even gave me some advice that if I ever meet anyone else...watch what I say because my words are vicious, or words to that effect. I remember being so shocked that he would say something so ridiculous to me. I screamed at him not to give me relationship advice. That my advice to him would be not to have sex with a person that is not his partner. That his actions are far worse than my words ever could be.

For years I have supposedly been telling him he's stupid but not really meaning it. I can now officially say out loud, he is stupid, thick, an idiot. He has fucked up in a major way and thought he could give me dating advice.

What a dick.

I feel such an idiot still. It is me that is having to do all the explaining, all the work, the organising. It will be me that is inconvenienced by carpet fitters and gardeners and house viewings. All the while having his infidelity shoved in my face while he sits wherever he is, stress free, allowing me to suffer the consequences of his disgusting actions.

He is getting away scot free. No hassle, nice and easy for him. It is not right. And  now he hasn't paid the mortgage?

A few hours and two messages later he has paid. Thank god. I am so relieved and for all my bravado, really upset that he hasn't told me he's made a mistake yet.

I am the stupid thick idiot.