Day 25

I got through my birthday. It wasnt so bad by the end of the day. I had lots of birthday wishes on FB including from sister no 2. Not one single card from the post man though. I hope I'm in a better place next year as nobody should have to spend a birthday totally alone.

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm worried. Worried about the stress of coping by myself. Rushing home for the the dogs then going for the horses. I've got to do it. There's no one else. Its alot. What if I get stuck in traffic? Getting home and having the dogs barking is very upsetting and highly stressful. This is going to happen every day. I dont know if I can cope by myself. I will have to. I have no choice.

I asked him by text last night if he just wants me to give up and stop messaging. As usual he hasnt answered. I'm so frustrated.  He has taken everything from me. My best friend, my backbone, my love, my confidence, my trust. How long do I try to get those things back for? If I just stop..then what? I sign up on some website and look for someone new?  I told him when we met that this was forever, if he died I'd die. That hasn't really changed for me. How can I just stop and even think of meeting someone else? Knowing he's been with someone else is like a thousand knives in my stomach. Why doesn't he feel the same at the idea of me meeting someone else? That person sleeping in his bed, watching films with me, becoming "dad" to the dogs and whatever horses I've got left.

4 weeks ago today we had a nice day. He had a lie in while I got up early with the dogs. We met my parents for lunch at what I thought was our favourite pub, went for the horses in the afternoon and relaxed in the evening watching tv, the norm. We talked about doing things on our week off. Going to a safari park, I remember him asking where it was. There was no clue that the next day he would tell me he was leaving me and moving into a secret flat he'd organised. That was only 4 weeks ago.

Maybe I should try and meet someone else. I think my mum was 41 when my dad left her. Same age as me. She met my step dad after only a few months and has never looked back. She had 3 dogs and 2 horses too. Also 2 teenage daughters!

Luckily we dont have children. Ive never wanted them except after I met him, for a short time I did. I remember telling him, it must have been in our first year together, that we could  try the following year. We never did. I expect my weight was going up and life just got in the way as it never really came up again. Over the last year or so I have read up on fostering which surprised me. I was quite interested. We have the room and I thought we had a nice life to share with an unhappy child. What kid wouldnt like to spend time with horses or on the moor. We could've helped an older child so it would have been safe with the dogs. I never told him about it as I thought he wouldnt be interested. I knew he had wanted children but wasnt able to have them because of me and thought he wouldnt consider fostering. The whole time I was thinking about this he was having an affair.

It's good I didn't mention it to him.

I told him after.. He got really upset. I didnt understand. He'd just told me he didn't love me. He'd been sleeping with someone else. Why was he upset that I'd thought about fostering? As usual I got no response. I just apologised for upsetting him and wished I'd kept quiet. I apologised!

I still can't believe this has happened. I've been a bitch. A horrible cow. But I don't deserve this. He was horrible too. So controlling when we first met. But love was always there I thought. I was horrible to him but I didnt mean it. I loved him and tried to look after him.

I wish he'd come home. Even if he rented a room closer to home so we could at least try. He feels so far away although I dont really know where he is. Why cant he just answer my messages.

I've just remembered that on the first day that he told me he didnt love me and was leaving, he told me he had been to the doctor who had wanted to sign him off work with stress. He told me as though it was my fault. I wonder if he had told the doctor that he was having an affair and living a double life. Viewing houses with the service station grandma. Planning a whole new life with a married woman and then coming home to me. That really must have been stressful but I cant see how that is my fault. And he tried to make me feel bad about him being stresssed. Really..what a bastard. Maybe I should send him the link to this so he can read in black and white what he's done. Of course he doesnt read or reply to anything so what would be the point.

I have ordered some emegency contact keyrings to put on my car keys. It will be a notice that my pets are home alone..so if I crash or am found dead someone will know to help my dogs at home and they wont be left in danger. That is a very sad thing to have to do.

Later on...well I pushed him too far again. Because he doesnt answer my messages and I dont know the reason...is he with her, does he have no signal, is he ignoring me?..I got irritated and it ended with him telling me to leave him alone and talking about solicitors. I just wanted to know if he was happy. I have no closure. I don't know why he left me. Does he really not love me? Is he shacking up with her? I honestly don't know. I need to know. How can I move on when I dont understand. I brought up the animals as I knew it would upset him. And why shouldn't I? He slept with someone else and left me on my own on my birthday. He deserves everything I throw at him. Which isn't much. Because I love him. But I also hate him.
Back to work tomorrow and I'm going to be upset again. I wish I could erase him.