Day 42

I feel such an idiot. All the times I was wittering on about some rubbish, or looking up things online to buy for his birthday or talking about this Christmas. Totally in the dark, clueless, stupid. How could he live with it? Seeing me so oblivious to his lies, his plans. I never saw a hint of anything that would make me think he was feeling guilty about anything.

Stupid, blind, ignorant.

I used to phone him nearly every day during my lunch break. After 7 years I would still ring him. We lived together but I would still call for a chat and to see where he was. All those days when he didn't answer I have to now wonder what he was really doing.

We argued recently. I had tried phoning him 5 times without any answer. He was late home, the dog had destroyed the  house and had accidents. I had a real go at him. I think that was the day he decided he would leave me for her. He must have been with her that day. Gets home to a mouthful and a house full of dog shit. What a hateful lying coward.

I am an idiot. I love him.

He is back to not answering me again. I was meant to hear from him last night to organise house sale, but nothing. I have messaged him this evening, see if he replies. I have also assured him the dogs are safe with me for life, my kids. No rehoming. I am fearful he will come to the house and take her. My friend. My buddy that keeps me company at night. Sleeps on his side of the bed. I have said many times that I was sending her to the rescue centre, that I would take them all to the moors and leave them there. Of course I never meant it. 2 of the dogs will be 17 soon. They are my world but they drive me mad sometimes. I hope he doesn't use that as an excuse to take her from me.

We all say things we dont mean all the time. Dog going to the rescue centre, I'll be home late as busy at work, I love you.