Day 33

I woke up early as usual but resisted the urge to check my phone which is a step in the right direction. I usually use an old phone as my alarm. The phone that was the first Christmas present he bought me. It died last night. Is that somebody telling me something?

No tears on the way to work. No tears when asked how my weekend was. I can do this. Maybe I'm over it. That didn't take long! Wishful thinking. I didn't cry, but I could. Quite easily.

It is now officially more than one month since my fiance admitted he had an affair.  It is less than 3 weeks since he left me. It is 2 weeks today since I last spoke to him.  I don't know why I keep track of how many days since this, that. Since the world ended. It seems pointless. Nobody cares but me. I bet he has no clue.

I am starting to feel real anger towards him. How dare he do this to me. I read something on Facebook this morning describing the trauma a victim of infidelity goes through. It was so accurate that it made me realise I am not alone. Other people have had the exact same feelings as me. I want to send it to him. Make him read the way he has made me feel. I won't though. He will get angry. Not reply except to make some comment about being amicable. I want to share it on Facebook so everyone finds out the reason we have split up. So everyone knows that the nice bloke is actually a sneaking liar and a cheat. A bad person. But then I would feel ashamed that he did it to me. Embarrassed. That doesn't seem fair.

In less than 2 weeks the mortgage is due. Is he going to give me money or is the next round of heartache going to start?

Why doesnt he contact me? Ask me how I am? Every day for the past 3 weeks I have been the sole carer for the dogs and horses. Its all on me. All the floor mopping, poo picking, dog walking, wheelbarrow pushing, water container filling. All me by myself, every day, no break. It's alot. And he's just left it to me and gone off to enjoy the freedom of single life. I am drained emotionally and physically. Frankly, what an arsehole!

When we met I was young slim and pretty. I could have had my pick. He pressured me into meeting him in person. I remember the conversation. During my lunch break, sitting on a bench in the town. I relented and agreed. We were inseperable from there on. 300 miles wasnt going to get in our way. Within 2 months I had left my job and packed my life dogs and horse off to a new town with no friends and no job. I was miserable to begin with. Isolated and being smothered. But I hung in there. For us, because it was right. I shouldnt have bothered. If I had known what this person was going to do to me I would have run for the hills. I was happy before I met him. In a really good place in my life. Now its gone to shit and Im old,  overweight, no money and alone. I should hate him. But I can't. I still want him to come home.

I am pathetic.

Here come the tears. 3.30pm...not bad!