Day 28

Will it ever get any better? I was awake at 5am as usual. Checked my phone around 5.30 and he had just answered me. He hadn't been with her the night before. I wish hed also said...and I won't be.

Its all so wishy washy. I don't know what's going on. I feel horrible. So alone and vulnerable. I'm struggling with my emotions today. The shock with the car last night has really scared me.

I've always been so independent. Reluctant to ask anyone for help or to show weakness. I guess thats where alot of our issues came from. He would often moan at me to stop telling him what to do . To now be in the situation where if my car breaks down or I have a problem, I have no one at home to call. I have to ask for help from outside my comfort zone. That is horrible. I am not independent. I am weak.

I miss him. It has been 2 weeks since I have seen him. 4 weeks since he told me about her. It feels a lifetime ago. I am exhausted.

Why am I such a wet for God's sake. He doesn't deserve my tears or my concern. He cheated on me. He snuck around doing the dirty, laughing at me. Teaching me a lesson. I should be throwing his shit out into the street. How dare he. I am better than him and I always have been. My weight and my insecurity have blinded me and given him power over me. He is a filthy lying cheat that has strung me along and robbed me of my pride. My confidence. My ability to see any kind future for myself. I should be hurting him not letting him carry on hurting me. I should tell his sister's what he's done. One of them was dumped by a cheat and we didn't like him...thought he was an awful person for cheating. See how he'd like that. Why should he get away with it. How dare he tell me to leave him alone? I thought he wanted to talk today? Not heard from him tonight. Messaged during the day about car repairs. No mention of anything else. He's keeping me dangling. Its wrong. I'm allowing him to do it. He doesn't deserve me to want him home.

But I do. When will it stop?