Day 46

More of the same.

Misery, wallowing in self pity. Dating websites are making me more depressed. Guys are interested, I'm really surprised. But I don't want to know. I can't face it. It feels like betrayal. But I am 100% free and single.

Went to the shops this morning. Saw a couple of ladies I know from the stables. I cried. It's clearly still not safe to leave the house. Home again and can't be bothered to do anything. Not even go and check on my poor horses or walk the dogs. I feel like opening the bottle of wine in the fridge and drinking it until I pass out. I dont drink wine so it won't take long . But I cant. Being drunk would lead to phone calls or me doing something worse. I must not lose control. It would be a slippery slope and I don't have the energy to climb back out of that hole.

What is he doing? Where is he? Does he think of me at all? I want to be gone from this house now. I love it. My safe place, my independence. But it is doing me no good. I am alone all the time and I cannot cope.

I wish he knew how I felt. What this is doing to me. He's playing with me.  Not making decisions, ignoring me. It is killing me. I have always had a strong exterior. He would have no clue what state I am in. I dont think he would care.

He is gone. Dead. I am a widow. My soul mate died suddenly 46 days ago and I think I will be grieving for the rest of my life.