Day 32

I cant believe its only been 3 weeks since we spent our last day together. It was mundane. The normal. Stables, shop for dog food where I treated myself to 2 new horse rugs in the sale. He was waiting outside in the rain with the dogs when I came out. It made me happy. Stop off at the supermarket then home. I cooked burgers for tea. It was uncomfortable at the table..no conversation. How could there be, I was dealing with the fact my partner had been unfaithful.

3 weeks ago. It feels a lifetime. I tell myself if I hadnt been upset that day or sniped about something in the car then he wouldn't have gone. I shouldn't do that. Its not my fault. He's done this. To me. To us. To himself.

Im so tired. 7.30am. When will I stop thinking about it the moment I wake up? I want to message him. Tell him its only been 3 weeks. Ask what he's been up to, if he's ok. If he's ready to come home yet. He won't answer. He's probably been with her. He's never on Facebook anymore. He used to be glued to it. I forced him tohave itheCreated the profile. Invited him to play the stupid game where he met her. I brought this on myself. It is my fault.

I miss him. I love him. I want him to cuddle me. The times i moaned if he kissed me with a stubble. 

I've learned my lesson, please come home.

The horrible neighbour is back from working away today. I can hear his fog horn voice already and its only 8.20am. I have no one to tell. Nobody cares. Its just me on my own worrying that he will call the council again about dogs barking.

They are my dogs. My responsiblity. I keep referring to things as ours. Our car, our, our dogs. There is no ours. I cant get to grips with it. I wonder if he has? I expect so. He didnt want to be us anymore.

Now I've messaged him. Reminding him its only been 3 weeks. What an idiot I am. He'll be annoyed. Ignore me. I'll be upset. What's the point?

He has answered me. I also told him there was a good place available to move the horses to. He ignored what I said about it being 3 weeks. Just asked how much the stables were and to get them.

Thats it. No explanation. Further clarification of the situation.

I asked if he wanted to visit the dogs. He does but doesn't know when. What? You managed to find time to live a double life but you can't find time to see "the kids". I have no idea what is going on in his head. It is killing me.

I have puffy eyes from crying again. Loads of messages from men in america. A local guy asked me out for a drink. I want to go and hide in bed.

I am sick of being the victim. This is defining me. I don't know how to stop it. I've always been happy in my own company but not anymore. I find myself weak, tearful. Who wants to spend time with someone like that?

This afternoon and evening were better. No more messages from him, he just ignored me. Per usual. I saw the horses and walked the dogs. Washed some of his things i found in the car, watched thr Olympics and spoke to a few guys online. Even got asked out...twice on one day! Of course wouldnt consider it. Im not interested, just passing the time. 

And it helped I almost forgot about him.