Day 35

What another totally crap day. Will it ever end? The car has been repaired, not as expensive as first feared. It is ready to be collected. It is 20 miles away from home. I can only drive one car at a time.

 

I had a text from him this morning..everything ok? In the absence of anything nice to say I didn't reply. Until I found out the car was ready. Its his car. Ive organised the repairs. Will be paying for them. I messaged back that it needs collecting and if he had any suggestions. Under no illusion that he would offer to help. Get a taxi to collect it so I don't have to. It is still very upsetting to get a reply of "not sure, how much".

 

I do not like the person he has become. Has perhaps been all this time but I just didnt notice? He claims not to love me. I still don't believe it. Denial? Maybe. Either way how can he just not care about me. My wellbeing. What Im going through. I dont like the idea of someone I barely know having to feel like this. Rejected, worthless, alone. Why is he not even looking out for me even if its just out of guilt? He is not a nice person.

 

It has been 3 weeks since I have seen him. It feels much longer. 3 weeks is nothing..a long holiday. I want to be over this now. Bored with it. Tired. No sleep. How long is it going to last? If I go to the doctor will he give me something to numb it? Does such a thing exist?

 

I want to message him. Tell him I'm disappointed in him. Ashamed for him. His behaviour, the person he has become. Not because I want to insult him but I because I don't know if he realises. I want to tell him to read back all the messages from the past few weeks. My desperate requests for some understanding, of what's happened. Baring my soul, my weakness to him. Having it all ignored or telling me to leave him alone. It is despicable. Cruel. Unnecessary. Out of character.

I've so desperately wanted him to come home. Even with the pain of the affair I wanted him back with me. I'm not so sure now.

 

3 strikes since the fatal disclosure..

 

- Leaving me alone on my birthday.
- Leaving me stranded when the car broke down
- Leaving me to collect the car once I had it repaired

 

3 strikes too far? Who wants a person like that in their lives?

 

I want to tell him, take a good look at the person you've become. Do you like him? Is he going to have a happy life, living as this cruel untrustworthy person that buries their head in the sand. Treats the one person that has truly cared for him in his life like dirt.

 

He will be unhappy. I will haunt him forever. The way he has treated me. It will be with him always.  I am glad. I hope he thinks of it in his future relationships, that it affects him. I hope in time I am able to not give this person a second thought.

 

For now, he is in my every thought and I don't want him there.