Day 27

After a good day yesterday its gone downhill again today. On my drive to work this morning he text me to ask if he could go to "the house" to collect something. Of course he can, its his home. The problem for me is a reminder at 8am. I was ok until I had to hold a meeting with my boss mid morning. He had kindly postponed for me 2 weeks ago when I was in real distress at work so I had to man up. Sitting there, one to one, was so hard. I didn't care about work I just wanted to cry.

And I did afterwards and several times since. He text again to thank me for letting him go round? Instead if ignoring..I answered. Asked if he didnt feel like staying? Why do I do it to myself? He said he wants it to be amicable and that messages like that aren't helping. Ive known him for almost 7 years and he has never said amicable. He's said it a few times now. Has he got it from her?

4 weeks ago I would have laid my life on the line to say I knew him inside out, the way he thinks.

My head is telling me he does love me..he is coping with the guilt by running and telling me he doesn't love me. I know him..

But I dont really. I don't know this person that has been telling someone else he loves them. Viewing houses, meeting children.

I am tellling myself he loves me. Why am I torturing myself?

The day just got worse. Tonight the car broke down. The clutch went while I was on a tiny lane on Dartmoor. I managed to push it part way into a gateway so wasnt totally blocking the lane but I needed help. Phone signal was poor and my battery was low. I rang him for help...twice. I sent a message. Nothing. Nothing until 3 hrs later, 10 minutes after I got home. Ive never felt so alone and isolated as I did tonight standing by that car. I can only assume he was with her if he didnt answer the phone. He tried to ring me, text to ask if I was safe, if I was home. He didn't ask who what where when. He doesn't really care. He says we need to talk tomorrow. I ask if he was with her..nothing. No answer again.

Is he doing it on purpose? Punishing me for all the times we argued or I was mean? I don't know how much more I can take before my sanity goes. I am in pain. I am exhausted.

I am dreading tomorrow.