Day 31

.31 days. One whole month!

I took a herbal sleeping aid last night. Got to sleep around midnight but was really hoping not to wake up too early and have 100mph thoughts. Its 6.50am and here I am!

The moment I open my eyes, that's it. I remember, I start thinking. I check my phone straight away. Why? Am I stupid? Well yes it's been made quite clear that I am. Can't see whats going on under my nose for a year.

I'm just so tired and its so long until I go back to work on Monday.

I've been so desperate to hear from him for weeks. Now I don't want to. Too much time has passed. It's inevitable. If I hear from him it's going to be about things I dont want to talk about. The mortgage. The house. The fact that I can't keep it and it's going to have to be sold. I don't want to face it. It's too hard. It's our home.  Where will I go? When it's gone I probably will never ever see him again. That's too much to think about when 5 weeks ago I was none the wiser.

What is he doing? He's messed up so badly. I wish he would come home so we can at least try to fix it.

I've been engaged before. It was a long time ago. I wasted my 20's on it. We split up after about 3 years. He moved out, started seeing someone else. I dont remember what happened about money etc but the house wasnt sold. 1 year later we got back together. Ended up engaged, relocating to a new area. We stayed together for another 5 years or so and I dont remember there being an issue about the girl he was seeing during our break. That was different though, I get that.

I just want to message him..ask him how he is. But I must not. It will invite heartache and upset. I will pour my heart  out and get one word answers in return. It will hurt me. What's the point?

I should be doing something. Packing? Weeding the garden? Is he going to pack his things? Theyre everywhere. Mixed with mine. Boxes and bags of stuff in the loft and garage. Do I have to do that? Go through everything. Separate it? It's not fair..why can't I just be happy? Is he?

Does it make him happy to know that he has killed me?

He will forever be a cheat. He might not tell anyone but it will always be there. He is a sensitive person..it must hurt him to know that.

She is a cheat too. He will never trust her. It won't work.  When we first met he was jealous and controlling. Almost accusing me of something. I was innocent but still had to change my phone number and delete my Facebook account. What a cheek. What a mug. No way will he be able to trust her when he knows she cheated on her husband.

I hate her. How could a woman do that to another woman. It is disgusting. He is disgusting. I hope the shame makes them miserable.

Its 8.10am. Its going to be a long day.

I must not message him. I must not think about dying.

On day 8 he sent me a message. I can't get it out of my head. I wish he hadn't sent it. I keep going back to it. I believed it.

Sarah, I've made the worse possible mistake I could ever make, I'm so sorry, I love you and want tobe with you, if you've decided you don't want me in the house anymore I understand, like I said to you if you want I can still  help with the dogs and horses and still give you the money, I love you Sarah and I know I'm the bad guy for what I did but it's killing me inside for what I've done to you, I'm so so sorry, I love you x

Why did he send it? I was at work. I didnt ask him to send it. They were his words. It was Thursday. The following Monday he stayed in a hotel. On the Tuesday he told me he didn't love me. Wednesday was the last time I saw him.

How can I not think about dying? I just want my life back. Where I was safe and secure and we were going to be old and poor together.

I want to fast forward to Day 200. Be able to look back on these posts and laugh..wonder how I was ever so weak. Click my fingers and all the horrible stuff will be done, over with. But I cant. At some point I'm going to have to face it. He's going to take his slippers and his t-shirt,  the giant tv I didnt want him to buy, the internet he gets for free from work. Then what? I don't know..

I have now heard from him very briefly, messaging to ask whats happening about the broken car. No asking after me irvthe dogs or horses. How can he be so cold? How does he not care? 5 weeks ago we sat in our house laughing with each other. Having a normal life.  Watching tv. Sleeping in the same bed. He's just walked away from that..I dont understand how he is able to? I didn't have an affair...I was faithful to him. Loved him fiercely. I was mean to him sometimes, nagged alot. But he wasnt always very nice to me. I didnt cheat. I didn't leave. I didnt think about doing either. Why would I? We hadnt actually got married but I was committed for life..good or bad. How could he?

I want to ask him when he's coming home.

Later...its now midnight. Im exhausted but my brain won't switch off. Ive spent the past 10 hours sitting on the sofa with the odd trip to the fridge. I cant spend the rest of my life like this. It was a lovely sunny day. Theres probably not many left for this year, and I was alone inside the house.

I joined a dating website. Looking for friends...not dating. Its soul destroying. I dont want to talk to these strangers. I have nothing in common with them. I cant talk about the trip to Italy we went on or that day we would took the horsebox for a drive. These people don't know me. Why would I want to talk to them? I don't want to.

I downloaded a new chat app that seems to be how they communicate nowadays. It was msn messenger back in the day. The new app showed me I had a contact already registered. Its him! The filthy cheat must have been contacting her through that! He wouldnt have  known about it so if she told him then she must be a regular online. She's married! What was he thinking? What an idiot.

I'm finishing the day the way I started it...depressed.