Day 38

The weekend. He's given me his weekly second thought. Everything ok? Hope dogs and horses are ok. Im so annoyed. How dare he? He doesn't really care. He hasn't even got back to me about transporting the car home from the mechanic and I sorted that days ago

I shouldnt have answered.

I really hope you realise what youve done as feels like youve disappeared and burying your head in the sand. Me, our animals and my parents are the best family you will have ever had. Not another person will ever think enough of you to give you a second chance the way I did and to throw that away shows what a fuck up youre making of your life. So no everything is not ok. The horses are fine as I break my back looking after them every day. The dogs have fleas from the moor and ive spent £105 on treatment. I managed to get the car home so dont spend anymore time worrying how we're going to do it, am sure has kept you awake. Will contact you during the week to make arrangements. I hope it was all worth it.
The way you've behaved treated me the the last 3 weeks is almost as bad as what youve been doing the past year. Ive been near suicidal and you dont have the decency to even look out for me. You should take a good look at yourself Gavin and see the person youve become. I truly hope at some point you have the decency to apologise to me

Of course no reply. Not even decent enough to acknowkedge anything. It is so frustrating. He needs his head looking at. Maybe he's with her, maybe he's not. Its irrelevant. He will find no happiness after this. He cant, how can he live with himself?

I want to move on now. Unshackle myself. I love my home but it has to go. I must look forward. I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone again. If I did would I be able to trust them?

There is more to life than being his victim. I must believe that and look ahead.

How would I react if he asked to come home? I seem to be talking the talk but could I actually walk the walk?

I still cry..it hasnt been 4 weeks since hes gone yet. It hurts. My stomach has nervous butterflies all the time. Not good ones like when you meet someone new. Bad ones like impending doom. I'm crying now as I type this. I'm so lonely. I really miss him. I'm just staring at his empty chair that the dog now sits in.