I feel physical pain today. My stomach hurts. I am so desperate for a kind word from him. For him to tell me he loves me even if we can't be together.
He is so cold. Unpleasant messages from him last night. I have his belongings and his dog! He is confused. He left his belongings. They are waiting for him to sort, pack and collect them. He said it to me as though I'd taken them. Forced him out. I begged him to stay, humiliated myself. As for the dog...
We have three dogs. Two I already had and one we got when together. It's sad..the only dog that liked him, wanted to sit with him, followed him around is one of my old boys. He hasn't asked to see him or said he wants him. Not that I'd let him, but its sad. He and his brother will be 17 in a few months. He may not get a chance to see either of them again. He was their dad for a long time and just like me they are being erased.
This is so hard.
I ended up messaging that I love him still last night. I wonder how that makes him feel. Does he roll his eyes and swear? Does it make him question what he's doing? Does he laugh at me? Nobody has been in love with me that I havent loved back. Maybe one "boy" when I was a teenager but that doesn't count.
I wish I hadnt said it. Its just more power over me. I'm stupid.
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