Day 23

Mornings seem to be worst. When I'm at my most vulnerable. I'm at the stage now that I fall asleep very quickly, probably because I'm staying up later than I normally would to make myself tired. I still wake up early but manage to get back to sleep until I have to get up to give the dogs their breakfast. As I've been off work I've got in the habit of going back to bed with the dogs. This is where the problem lies. I can't get back to sleep now. My brain is going 100mph. So i start writing crap on here.

I dreamt about him last night. We were on a plane to Australia. Don't know what that means, its not somewhere we ever discussed going to.

Facebook is showing the first of my dreaded memories. This day last year we had dinner outside our hotel in Paris in view of the Eiffel Tower. The lights started flashing! It was beautiful..it took our breath away. It was unexpected and amazing and we were happy. I've messaged him a link to the video. I don't know why. He hasnt read my messages from last night yet. I kind of bombarded him with them..

I'm so focused on him not being here that the affair seems secondary but when I remember it's a shock all over again. I actually get pictures in my head which is horrible. The first time this happened i grabbed a pair of scissors from my bedside table and cut my arm with them. I thought it would be more pain..something physical I could see, control. It just left me feeling weak. I did it 4 more times. They are still visible but not so deep that they wont fade in time I think.

Yesterday I received the most beautiful bunch of flowers in the post from my thoughtful step brother. There was a card too with some really kind words meant to help me. I cried. He went through a horrible break up too last year. He survived.

I'm still really hurt that I've not heard from anyone in his family. I've spent years buying them Christmas presents and remembering their birthdays. It's unkind. Rude. Why am I so insignificant?

There's a phone in on tv..is your weight causing problems on your relationship? Lots of sad ladies calling in. Husbands have had affairs because the wives were self conscious of weight, felt unattractive, so pushed husbands away. It's what I did. Crying again. Doesn't make me feel any better. These ladies dont need to lose 10 stone. I do. I lost nearly a stone in the last 3 weeks but I have my appetite back the last couple of days so no doubt it will be going back on.

I advertised one of my horses yesterday. I hope no one replies. I dont want to face it. I cant afford to keep him, but hes my mate. Im his mum..how can I do it to him? It's totally out of my control. Why should someone elses actions have such an impact on my life. Its not fair. I was faithful. Why should I be punished?

I just want him to come home, where he belongs. With me. We can deal with anything as long as he loves me. Does he? He said he doesnt but I can't accept that. He must. He did, then he didnt, then he did again, then he didnt. Which is it?

My mums dog died today.

Tomorrow is my birthday.