Day 45

Why are weekends so hard? Yesterday was Friday. I was off work, fine until later on. Don't think I cried all day.

Today I wake up with the weight of the world on my shoulders. He is my first waking thought. I am close to tears. Feel like I can't face the day let alone the rest of my life. I am so very sad. How did this happen to me? I'm not a bad person. I think that I am kind and generous and trustworthy. I used to be funny back in the days when there was anything to laugh about. We argued alot. I have a vicious tongue. It is my shield and my weapon and I used it to protect myself many times. But that isn't enough to deserve this.

I don't understand. I must have been so awful for him to want to leave the security of having a kind, generous, trustworthy person who will love him until the day she dies. Really awful. So awful that I should be treated like a stranger. A nobody.

I don't like the weekends.

Is it because he's meant to contact me today? Probably. I very much doubt I will hear from him. He'll keep me dangling. The insignificant nobody.

I love my home. It was so hard for me to say out loud that I can't stay here. I can't believe he didn't care. It is my home. My safe place. It is full to the brim with all the treasures I have collected along the way.  And his belongings of course. I will not have room for it all wherever I end up. Just packing will be a mammoth task. Not a job to be done solo. It's going to be really difficult. Mentally as well as physically.

I hate the weekend. I hate my life.

Why was he on his message app at 4.45am? I am torturing myself. Will it ever end? I just want him to come home and this to have not happened. But he's slept with someone else. Told her that he loved her. Those were my words and he gave them to someone else. Why didnt I see it? No signs of guilt. Why wasn't he feeling guilty?

He is horrible, why am I wasting time and tears on this? I pray I will look back on this and cringe. That this won't be my life now.