Day 29

So another morning with a reply to last nights message. This time there was an extra message...all ok?

Frankly no. It is not all fucking ok. What a ridiculous thing to ask. I am likely to never be ok again.

I am bored with this now. Another morning crying at work. An email from a mortgage adviser telling me i am well short of being able to mortgage the house by myself. Of course I am. Nothing goes right for me, why should this be any different? I am still shocked though. I thought I would have to lose one of my horses but it would enable me to keep my home. It won't. Im going to lose it too. My home. Because of him. And her. I have been completely destroyed. I love my home. Its mine. Ours. It's a mess, but its my safe place. I dont know whats going to happen to me and my dogs. And all my stuff. I dont want to move somewhere new by myself. Im scared.

How can he do this to me?

Later on...this evening I spoke to one of the girls at the stables. Shes not a friend, although she is my Facebook friend, but we say hello and chat about our dogs and horses now and again. Tonight she told me she had caught her boyfriend sexting someone else earlier this year and they were no longer together. How did I not know this. She went through what I am now..I couldnt tell. I feel like I have a sign over my head..big fat loser, cant keep her man. And isnt my ring finger glowing empty, catching peoples eye? She also told me her father had an affair for the whole 25 years he was married to her mum. I've met her mum. She's alive. She didn't die from sadness. Another lady on the yard has been dumped by her husband and he's selling her house and car and generally being a pig.  Is she moping every night writing crap online? I bet she isn't.  What is wrong with me? I'm not special. This happens all the time.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will not cry. I just need to sleep. Its 11.33 pm and I dont exactly feel wide awake but sleep is not imminent. During the day I feel a zombie. I cant function at work..can't remember anything. My eyes keep closing. As soon as I go to bed..it's a whole different story.

Must sleep. Sleep=no tears. No tears=a good thing.