Day 49

I am so angry.

After house valuation and a call to the the mortgage company yesterday I am livid. In June, the month before he left, we signed up for a new 5 year fixed mortgage deal. At no point did he hesitate or suggest a shorter deal. I innocently signed us up and sent off the forms. As we are 2 months into a 5 year deal the penalty to pay the mortgage off early is £7340. Its going to cost over £10,000 to sell the house. That is all of the equity. Gone.

I was so angry last night I text him.

"So is going to cost over £10k to sell the house. Think what we could have spent £10k on to make us that much happier. A new kitchen and slate floor downstairs. Decent 4x4, gastric band, wedding and honeymoon.
Instead you chose to spend £10k to have sex with another mans wife in a Travelodge. She must be amazing to lose your family and all that money for. You idiot".

Unsurprisingly he didn't reply. I am so disappointed. Thought at least I would come out of this ok money wise. I will still have the deposit money put down on the house but this is heartbreaking.

The mortgage was due yesterday. I paid it as normal. Today is his pay day..no sign of any money from him yet. Has last nights text meant hes not going to pay this month?

I am so sad still. For weeks I've been convinced that I would have him back if he asked. I have now realised that I wouldn't. I know that the day it changed was the day I broke down and he didn't help me. That was the day he killed any chance of righting a terrible wrong. It is upsetting. I am disgusted with him.

He tried to blame things on me when he first told me, that it was my fault because I used to call him stupid. Well the facts don't lie do they?

He even gave me some advice that if I ever meet anyone else...watch what I say because my words are vicious, or words to that effect. I remember being so shocked that he would say something so ridiculous to me. I screamed at him not to give me relationship advice. That my advice to him would be not to have sex with a person that is not his partner. That his actions are far worse than my words ever could be.

For years I have supposedly been telling him he's stupid but not really meaning it. I can now officially say out loud, he is stupid, thick, an idiot. He has fucked up in a major way and thought he could give me dating advice.

What a dick.

I feel such an idiot still. It is me that is having to do all the explaining, all the work, the organising. It will be me that is inconvenienced by carpet fitters and gardeners and house viewings. All the while having his infidelity shoved in my face while he sits wherever he is, stress free, allowing me to suffer the consequences of his disgusting actions.

He is getting away scot free. No hassle, nice and easy for him. It is not right. And  now he hasn't paid the mortgage?

A few hours and two messages later he has paid. Thank god. I am so relieved and for all my bravado, really upset that he hasn't told me he's made a mistake yet.

I am the stupid thick idiot.

Day 48

Last day off work today. A man is coming to quote for new carpet so the house doesnt look so neglected when up for sale. An estate agent is coming later to give me advice on whether to bother with certain bodge job improvements or not.

He has messaged me to say he's "Sorry for everything he's done to me".

What an idiot. He's done far worse to himself. I am heartbroken and maybe I won't trust again but at least I know now that he's not who I thought he was and its not such a great loss maybe. Whereas he has to live with being a life destroying unfaithful cheat for the rest of his life. He will have no-one looking out for him. He might stay with the grandma but shes a cheat. He might meet soneone else. Maybe they're a cheat. If he can do It anyone can..and I hope they do to him.

He was my best friend and I wanted to be with him until I died. Now I will never see him again and even though I'm crying as I type this, I think I'm starting to be ok with that.

Day 47

Sun is shining, it's beautiful out.

I've been to see my horses this morning. I gave the dogs a bath. Had a drive over the moor. Hundreds of people everywhere. Couples, families. The only people by themselves are the cyclists..and me. Passed a pub we'd stopped at before. A few tears, feeling sorry for myself. Finished off with a dog walk in my favourite spot with the best view.

Life can go on I just need to concentrate on the good things. Life was good before he came along. It wasn't that great while he was here. And it must get better again, surely.

Day 46

More of the same.

Misery, wallowing in self pity. Dating websites are making me more depressed. Guys are interested, I'm really surprised. But I don't want to know. I can't face it. It feels like betrayal. But I am 100% free and single.

Went to the shops this morning. Saw a couple of ladies I know from the stables. I cried. It's clearly still not safe to leave the house. Home again and can't be bothered to do anything. Not even go and check on my poor horses or walk the dogs. I feel like opening the bottle of wine in the fridge and drinking it until I pass out. I dont drink wine so it won't take long . But I cant. Being drunk would lead to phone calls or me doing something worse. I must not lose control. It would be a slippery slope and I don't have the energy to climb back out of that hole.

What is he doing? Where is he? Does he think of me at all? I want to be gone from this house now. I love it. My safe place, my independence. But it is doing me no good. I am alone all the time and I cannot cope.

I wish he knew how I felt. What this is doing to me. He's playing with me.  Not making decisions, ignoring me. It is killing me. I have always had a strong exterior. He would have no clue what state I am in. I dont think he would care.

He is gone. Dead. I am a widow. My soul mate died suddenly 46 days ago and I think I will be grieving for the rest of my life.

Day 45

Why are weekends so hard? Yesterday was Friday. I was off work, fine until later on. Don't think I cried all day.

Today I wake up with the weight of the world on my shoulders. He is my first waking thought. I am close to tears. Feel like I can't face the day let alone the rest of my life. I am so very sad. How did this happen to me? I'm not a bad person. I think that I am kind and generous and trustworthy. I used to be funny back in the days when there was anything to laugh about. We argued alot. I have a vicious tongue. It is my shield and my weapon and I used it to protect myself many times. But that isn't enough to deserve this.

I don't understand. I must have been so awful for him to want to leave the security of having a kind, generous, trustworthy person who will love him until the day she dies. Really awful. So awful that I should be treated like a stranger. A nobody.

I don't like the weekends.

Is it because he's meant to contact me today? Probably. I very much doubt I will hear from him. He'll keep me dangling. The insignificant nobody.

I love my home. It was so hard for me to say out loud that I can't stay here. I can't believe he didn't care. It is my home. My safe place. It is full to the brim with all the treasures I have collected along the way.  And his belongings of course. I will not have room for it all wherever I end up. Just packing will be a mammoth task. Not a job to be done solo. It's going to be really difficult. Mentally as well as physically.

I hate the weekend. I hate my life.

Why was he on his message app at 4.45am? I am torturing myself. Will it ever end? I just want him to come home and this to have not happened. But he's slept with someone else. Told her that he loved her. Those were my words and he gave them to someone else. Why didnt I see it? No signs of guilt. Why wasn't he feeling guilty?

He is horrible, why am I wasting time and tears on this? I pray I will look back on this and cringe. That this won't be my life now.

Day 44

It's been a good day today. My first day off work..I don't go back for 5 days. I was concerned I would be lonely/depressed/upset. The sun is shining, it's boiling hot.
I went out to the horses this morning, did some shopping, got some headlights fixed at the garage, did some weeding in the garden. Lots to keep me busy.

It's 6.15pm now and I've only just thought about him. Which would be good except now I want to text him to tell him I miss him. I must not.

He's meant to contact me tomorrow to talk about the house as he was "busy" the other night when he accused me of "having his belongings and his dog". I wonder if I'll hear from him.

Day 43

I feel physical pain today. My stomach hurts. I am so desperate for a kind word from him. For him to tell me he loves me even if we can't be together.

He is so cold. Unpleasant messages from him last night. I have his belongings and his dog! He is confused. He left his belongings. They are waiting for him to sort, pack and collect them. He said it to me as though I'd taken them. Forced him out. I begged him to stay, humiliated myself. As for the dog...

We have three dogs. Two I already had and one we got when together. It's sad..the only dog that liked him, wanted to sit with him, followed him around is one of my old boys. He hasn't asked to see him or said he wants him. Not that I'd let him, but its sad. He and his brother will be 17 in a few months. He may not get a chance to see either of them again. He was their dad for a long time and just like me they are being erased.

This is so hard.

I ended up messaging that I love him still last night. I wonder how that makes him feel. Does he roll his eyes and swear? Does it make him question what he's doing? Does he laugh at me? Nobody has been in love with me that I havent loved back. Maybe one "boy" when I was a teenager but that doesn't count.

I wish I hadnt said it. Its just more power over me. I'm stupid.

Day 42

I feel such an idiot. All the times I was wittering on about some rubbish, or looking up things online to buy for his birthday or talking about this Christmas. Totally in the dark, clueless, stupid. How could he live with it? Seeing me so oblivious to his lies, his plans. I never saw a hint of anything that would make me think he was feeling guilty about anything.

Stupid, blind, ignorant.

I used to phone him nearly every day during my lunch break. After 7 years I would still ring him. We lived together but I would still call for a chat and to see where he was. All those days when he didn't answer I have to now wonder what he was really doing.

We argued recently. I had tried phoning him 5 times without any answer. He was late home, the dog had destroyed the  house and had accidents. I had a real go at him. I think that was the day he decided he would leave me for her. He must have been with her that day. Gets home to a mouthful and a house full of dog shit. What a hateful lying coward.

I am an idiot. I love him.

He is back to not answering me again. I was meant to hear from him last night to organise house sale, but nothing. I have messaged him this evening, see if he replies. I have also assured him the dogs are safe with me for life, my kids. No rehoming. I am fearful he will come to the house and take her. My friend. My buddy that keeps me company at night. Sleeps on his side of the bed. I have said many times that I was sending her to the rescue centre, that I would take them all to the moors and leave them there. Of course I never meant it. 2 of the dogs will be 17 soon. They are my world but they drive me mad sometimes. I hope he doesn't use that as an excuse to take her from me.

We all say things we dont mean all the time. Dog going to the rescue centre, I'll be home late as busy at work, I love you.

Day 41

I thought we'd grow old together. He'd be there to look after me when I have dementure and white hair. I didn't worry too much about having no savings or pensions because we'd be in it together and would find a way.

Now when I tell him I am losing my home and have to sell he doesnt even apologise. Ask if I'm ok. Just tells me we need to talk about the dog. And he needs to speak to a solicitor.

And so it begins. He's going to screw me over I know it. He doesn't want to pay me a contribution for mortgage and bills until sold. I didnt want my partner to be unfaithful. Hey Ho! It's not ideal.
He must want to rent somewhere or shack up with granny and he needs money to do that. Is only been 4 weeks though. One mortgage payment!

4 weeks today he told me he didnt love me. It feels a lifetime ago. I have aged. I must be at least 10 years older. How has this happened to me?

I still love him, or the person he was 42 days ago anyway. I always will. I have so much to tell him. Stupid things the dogs have done, a new programme I've been watching that he would like, come home I'll forgive you. I don't think He's interested in hearing about any of those things.

Ladies at work made me cry today. Wasn't their fault. I'm so up and down. Joking
yesterday about airbrushing a ring off my finger from company brochure. Today in tears when they talk about not wanting ro start over if they became single. Its embarrassing, awkward. I cant keep it in check.

He's not even anything special. Peoplw must think I'm an idiot.

Shall I try and sell my engagement ring? Platinum and diamond. Really lovely. Not worn it for a few years as got too fat and had to have it cut off in a jewellers. I cried in the shop. He was there to cuddle me. The bastard. I will sell his too I think. Why not, he doesn't want it.

I am so boring and repetitve. This has got to end soon!

On a separate note I am surprised and pleased to hear one of my pen pals is following my diary. So nice to think somebody knows how I am feeling. So hello F and thank you. I hope to be able to have some happier days to write about soon (ish).

Day 40

So today this gets real for me.

Today I will be sending him a message to let him know that I have to sell the house as cannot keep alone. A solicitor will be drawing up a document for him to essentially sign the house over to me on its sale. He told me initially that I could have the house and I hope to god he means that even though it is being sold. I will not be able to cope if he tries to take some money from the home that I am losing. That he could profit from infidelity and destruction of my life are not things I can accept.

This is real. I dont expect him to answer back in a panic. Beg forgiveness. Declare his love for me like in the film's. Hes already done that once and it just doubled my pain. I don't know what to expect. I just feel very very sad.

Well, I messaged as soon as I got home from work, thinking I'd probably get upset so safer at home. Unbelievably he messaged me back. Straight away. Hw asked why I cant keep the house, where O was going and what about dogs and horses. I cant believe it..he asked where I'm going. A sign that he does care, have some concern about me.  My relief was short lived. Next message said "you are not rehoming the dog". And that was it. How cruel and upsetting. How can he think so little of me. Who is he?

Day 39

I feel like I will die from sadness and loneliness. I miss him so much. Just a few kind words aren't too much to ask for surely, after all these years?

I managed about 4 hours sleep last night. I don't know how I'm going to get through the day let alone the rest of my life. Is this it? Tears, Insomnia, Sadness. Forever? What he's done to me, the way he's made me feel so worthless, will never not hurt. How will it ever not make me feel this this?

How can a person do this to someone else? It's should be a crime. A theft, a violation.

I'm too tired.

I keep typing out a message to send him. How, why? I delete it. I just want an answer, a reply. Some acknowledgement that I am human, not invisible. I am pathetic, showing so much weakness and desperation. I just want him to show me he does care. I dont understand how he doesn't. Almost 7 years. Relocation, 3 homes, redundancy, new jobs,  weddings, a christening, funerals. So much together. And I've just been erased, forgotten, left behind, thrown away. My heart is broken.

I need to snap out of this, I just don't know how.

Day 38

The weekend. He's given me his weekly second thought. Everything ok? Hope dogs and horses are ok. Im so annoyed. How dare he? He doesn't really care. He hasn't even got back to me about transporting the car home from the mechanic and I sorted that days ago

I shouldnt have answered.

I really hope you realise what youve done as feels like youve disappeared and burying your head in the sand. Me, our animals and my parents are the best family you will have ever had. Not another person will ever think enough of you to give you a second chance the way I did and to throw that away shows what a fuck up youre making of your life. So no everything is not ok. The horses are fine as I break my back looking after them every day. The dogs have fleas from the moor and ive spent £105 on treatment. I managed to get the car home so dont spend anymore time worrying how we're going to do it, am sure has kept you awake. Will contact you during the week to make arrangements. I hope it was all worth it.
The way you've behaved treated me the the last 3 weeks is almost as bad as what youve been doing the past year. Ive been near suicidal and you dont have the decency to even look out for me. You should take a good look at yourself Gavin and see the person youve become. I truly hope at some point you have the decency to apologise to me

Of course no reply. Not even decent enough to acknowkedge anything. It is so frustrating. He needs his head looking at. Maybe he's with her, maybe he's not. Its irrelevant. He will find no happiness after this. He cant, how can he live with himself?

I want to move on now. Unshackle myself. I love my home but it has to go. I must look forward. I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone again. If I did would I be able to trust them?

There is more to life than being his victim. I must believe that and look ahead.

How would I react if he asked to come home? I seem to be talking the talk but could I actually walk the walk?

I still cry..it hasnt been 4 weeks since hes gone yet. It hurts. My stomach has nervous butterflies all the time. Not good ones like when you meet someone new. Bad ones like impending doom. I'm crying now as I type this. I'm so lonely. I really miss him. I'm just staring at his empty chair that the dog now sits in.

Day 37

Fleas
Vets Bill
Bad Weather
Stinking Cold

Day 36

It is consuming me. In my thoughts constantly. Driving me mad. I almost feel like I don't care if he is with her. I am so resentful of the way I've been treated.

I have the start of a cold today. I'm tired, worn out. Could do with a break from the horses and dogs. But I can't. It's called responsibility. A thing you cannot just walk away from. But he has. The selfish pig. I am sure if he's not feeling well he can just relax and watch tv. Mr free. Not a care in the world. Comfortable in the fact he has power. Some idiot confessing their love even though hes committed the worst crime against them. It must boost his ego..must make him feel very important.

I must find something else to obsess over. Why cant it be housework, or decorating? Nothing has moved in the house since he's been gone. The junk on the coffee table still in the same place. Like an unintentional shrine to the way life was. A new obsession would be good.

I have a new penpal. She lives locally. Will see where it takes us. I would love a friend. Just one, im not greedy. A real friend. That lives nearby, who I see out of work. I have 2 good friends at work but its not the same .

It is Thursday today. A week tomorrow I have a long weekend booked off work, organised from "before". Off Friday to Tuesday. 5 days alone. I am dreading it. I may cancel it.

Day 35

What another totally crap day. Will it ever end? The car has been repaired, not as expensive as first feared. It is ready to be collected. It is 20 miles away from home. I can only drive one car at a time.

 

I had a text from him this morning..everything ok? In the absence of anything nice to say I didn't reply. Until I found out the car was ready. Its his car. Ive organised the repairs. Will be paying for them. I messaged back that it needs collecting and if he had any suggestions. Under no illusion that he would offer to help. Get a taxi to collect it so I don't have to. It is still very upsetting to get a reply of "not sure, how much".

 

I do not like the person he has become. Has perhaps been all this time but I just didnt notice? He claims not to love me. I still don't believe it. Denial? Maybe. Either way how can he just not care about me. My wellbeing. What Im going through. I dont like the idea of someone I barely know having to feel like this. Rejected, worthless, alone. Why is he not even looking out for me even if its just out of guilt? He is not a nice person.

 

It has been 3 weeks since I have seen him. It feels much longer. 3 weeks is nothing..a long holiday. I want to be over this now. Bored with it. Tired. No sleep. How long is it going to last? If I go to the doctor will he give me something to numb it? Does such a thing exist?

 

I want to message him. Tell him I'm disappointed in him. Ashamed for him. His behaviour, the person he has become. Not because I want to insult him but I because I don't know if he realises. I want to tell him to read back all the messages from the past few weeks. My desperate requests for some understanding, of what's happened. Baring my soul, my weakness to him. Having it all ignored or telling me to leave him alone. It is despicable. Cruel. Unnecessary. Out of character.

I've so desperately wanted him to come home. Even with the pain of the affair I wanted him back with me. I'm not so sure now.

 

3 strikes since the fatal disclosure..

 

- Leaving me alone on my birthday.
- Leaving me stranded when the car broke down
- Leaving me to collect the car once I had it repaired

 

3 strikes too far? Who wants a person like that in their lives?

 

I want to tell him, take a good look at the person you've become. Do you like him? Is he going to have a happy life, living as this cruel untrustworthy person that buries their head in the sand. Treats the one person that has truly cared for him in his life like dirt.

 

He will be unhappy. I will haunt him forever. The way he has treated me. It will be with him always.  I am glad. I hope he thinks of it in his future relationships, that it affects him. I hope in time I am able to not give this person a second thought.

 

For now, he is in my every thought and I don't want him there.

 

 

 

Day 34

Well the days are certainly flying by. 34 already!

Couple of tears this morning as I filled my friend from work in on the latest since she's been on holiday. Far more anger and name calling than tears so I will take that as a positive. Fee more tears in the afternoon and a blub in the loo when talk of christmas came up.

Am really feeling resentful today. Resenting the waste of years and opportunity that I might have had to have a real life with someone else.

I am starting to see the light. Today anyway.

I have made friends online with a couple of people as pen pals. No strings, just sharing life stories and the day to day stuff. Its nice. I look forward to receiving their messages. I hope they do mine.

So there is life after him. Im not trying to kill myself or completely losing it..for now. I just need to sort out finances and somewhere for me, the dogs and horses to live!

No contact for days now. It's just so weird
He knows what I'm doing..the routine every day and night to keep the animals going. He doesn't have to wonder what Im up to. Whereas I have no clue. He could be abroad on holiday for all I know.

Ive seen a few reports online of traffic in the area following accidents and I find myself checking to see the vehicle involved, to see if its him. If he had an accident would I know? Would anyone tell me?

I have been sacked as next of kin!

Day 33

I woke up early as usual but resisted the urge to check my phone which is a step in the right direction. I usually use an old phone as my alarm. The phone that was the first Christmas present he bought me. It died last night. Is that somebody telling me something?

No tears on the way to work. No tears when asked how my weekend was. I can do this. Maybe I'm over it. That didn't take long! Wishful thinking. I didn't cry, but I could. Quite easily.

It is now officially more than one month since my fiance admitted he had an affair.  It is less than 3 weeks since he left me. It is 2 weeks today since I last spoke to him.  I don't know why I keep track of how many days since this, that. Since the world ended. It seems pointless. Nobody cares but me. I bet he has no clue.

I am starting to feel real anger towards him. How dare he do this to me. I read something on Facebook this morning describing the trauma a victim of infidelity goes through. It was so accurate that it made me realise I am not alone. Other people have had the exact same feelings as me. I want to send it to him. Make him read the way he has made me feel. I won't though. He will get angry. Not reply except to make some comment about being amicable. I want to share it on Facebook so everyone finds out the reason we have split up. So everyone knows that the nice bloke is actually a sneaking liar and a cheat. A bad person. But then I would feel ashamed that he did it to me. Embarrassed. That doesn't seem fair.

In less than 2 weeks the mortgage is due. Is he going to give me money or is the next round of heartache going to start?

Why doesnt he contact me? Ask me how I am? Every day for the past 3 weeks I have been the sole carer for the dogs and horses. Its all on me. All the floor mopping, poo picking, dog walking, wheelbarrow pushing, water container filling. All me by myself, every day, no break. It's alot. And he's just left it to me and gone off to enjoy the freedom of single life. I am drained emotionally and physically. Frankly, what an arsehole!

When we met I was young slim and pretty. I could have had my pick. He pressured me into meeting him in person. I remember the conversation. During my lunch break, sitting on a bench in the town. I relented and agreed. We were inseperable from there on. 300 miles wasnt going to get in our way. Within 2 months I had left my job and packed my life dogs and horse off to a new town with no friends and no job. I was miserable to begin with. Isolated and being smothered. But I hung in there. For us, because it was right. I shouldnt have bothered. If I had known what this person was going to do to me I would have run for the hills. I was happy before I met him. In a really good place in my life. Now its gone to shit and Im old,  overweight, no money and alone. I should hate him. But I can't. I still want him to come home.

I am pathetic.

Here come the tears. 3.30pm...not bad!

Day 32

I cant believe its only been 3 weeks since we spent our last day together. It was mundane. The normal. Stables, shop for dog food where I treated myself to 2 new horse rugs in the sale. He was waiting outside in the rain with the dogs when I came out. It made me happy. Stop off at the supermarket then home. I cooked burgers for tea. It was uncomfortable at the table..no conversation. How could there be, I was dealing with the fact my partner had been unfaithful.

3 weeks ago. It feels a lifetime. I tell myself if I hadnt been upset that day or sniped about something in the car then he wouldn't have gone. I shouldn't do that. Its not my fault. He's done this. To me. To us. To himself.

Im so tired. 7.30am. When will I stop thinking about it the moment I wake up? I want to message him. Tell him its only been 3 weeks. Ask what he's been up to, if he's ok. If he's ready to come home yet. He won't answer. He's probably been with her. He's never on Facebook anymore. He used to be glued to it. I forced him tohave itheCreated the profile. Invited him to play the stupid game where he met her. I brought this on myself. It is my fault.

I miss him. I love him. I want him to cuddle me. The times i moaned if he kissed me with a stubble. 

I've learned my lesson, please come home.

The horrible neighbour is back from working away today. I can hear his fog horn voice already and its only 8.20am. I have no one to tell. Nobody cares. Its just me on my own worrying that he will call the council again about dogs barking.

They are my dogs. My responsiblity. I keep referring to things as ours. Our car, our, our dogs. There is no ours. I cant get to grips with it. I wonder if he has? I expect so. He didnt want to be us anymore.

Now I've messaged him. Reminding him its only been 3 weeks. What an idiot I am. He'll be annoyed. Ignore me. I'll be upset. What's the point?

He has answered me. I also told him there was a good place available to move the horses to. He ignored what I said about it being 3 weeks. Just asked how much the stables were and to get them.

Thats it. No explanation. Further clarification of the situation.

I asked if he wanted to visit the dogs. He does but doesn't know when. What? You managed to find time to live a double life but you can't find time to see "the kids". I have no idea what is going on in his head. It is killing me.

I have puffy eyes from crying again. Loads of messages from men in america. A local guy asked me out for a drink. I want to go and hide in bed.

I am sick of being the victim. This is defining me. I don't know how to stop it. I've always been happy in my own company but not anymore. I find myself weak, tearful. Who wants to spend time with someone like that?

This afternoon and evening were better. No more messages from him, he just ignored me. Per usual. I saw the horses and walked the dogs. Washed some of his things i found in the car, watched thr Olympics and spoke to a few guys online. Even got asked out...twice on one day! Of course wouldnt consider it. Im not interested, just passing the time. 

And it helped I almost forgot about him.

Day 31

.31 days. One whole month!

I took a herbal sleeping aid last night. Got to sleep around midnight but was really hoping not to wake up too early and have 100mph thoughts. Its 6.50am and here I am!

The moment I open my eyes, that's it. I remember, I start thinking. I check my phone straight away. Why? Am I stupid? Well yes it's been made quite clear that I am. Can't see whats going on under my nose for a year.

I'm just so tired and its so long until I go back to work on Monday.

I've been so desperate to hear from him for weeks. Now I don't want to. Too much time has passed. It's inevitable. If I hear from him it's going to be about things I dont want to talk about. The mortgage. The house. The fact that I can't keep it and it's going to have to be sold. I don't want to face it. It's too hard. It's our home.  Where will I go? When it's gone I probably will never ever see him again. That's too much to think about when 5 weeks ago I was none the wiser.

What is he doing? He's messed up so badly. I wish he would come home so we can at least try to fix it.

I've been engaged before. It was a long time ago. I wasted my 20's on it. We split up after about 3 years. He moved out, started seeing someone else. I dont remember what happened about money etc but the house wasnt sold. 1 year later we got back together. Ended up engaged, relocating to a new area. We stayed together for another 5 years or so and I dont remember there being an issue about the girl he was seeing during our break. That was different though, I get that.

I just want to message him..ask him how he is. But I must not. It will invite heartache and upset. I will pour my heart  out and get one word answers in return. It will hurt me. What's the point?

I should be doing something. Packing? Weeding the garden? Is he going to pack his things? Theyre everywhere. Mixed with mine. Boxes and bags of stuff in the loft and garage. Do I have to do that? Go through everything. Separate it? It's not fair..why can't I just be happy? Is he?

Does it make him happy to know that he has killed me?

He will forever be a cheat. He might not tell anyone but it will always be there. He is a sensitive person..it must hurt him to know that.

She is a cheat too. He will never trust her. It won't work.  When we first met he was jealous and controlling. Almost accusing me of something. I was innocent but still had to change my phone number and delete my Facebook account. What a cheek. What a mug. No way will he be able to trust her when he knows she cheated on her husband.

I hate her. How could a woman do that to another woman. It is disgusting. He is disgusting. I hope the shame makes them miserable.

Its 8.10am. Its going to be a long day.

I must not message him. I must not think about dying.

On day 8 he sent me a message. I can't get it out of my head. I wish he hadn't sent it. I keep going back to it. I believed it.

Sarah, I've made the worse possible mistake I could ever make, I'm so sorry, I love you and want tobe with you, if you've decided you don't want me in the house anymore I understand, like I said to you if you want I can still  help with the dogs and horses and still give you the money, I love you Sarah and I know I'm the bad guy for what I did but it's killing me inside for what I've done to you, I'm so so sorry, I love you x

Why did he send it? I was at work. I didnt ask him to send it. They were his words. It was Thursday. The following Monday he stayed in a hotel. On the Tuesday he told me he didn't love me. Wednesday was the last time I saw him.

How can I not think about dying? I just want my life back. Where I was safe and secure and we were going to be old and poor together.

I want to fast forward to Day 200. Be able to look back on these posts and laugh..wonder how I was ever so weak. Click my fingers and all the horrible stuff will be done, over with. But I cant. At some point I'm going to have to face it. He's going to take his slippers and his t-shirt,  the giant tv I didnt want him to buy, the internet he gets for free from work. Then what? I don't know..

I have now heard from him very briefly, messaging to ask whats happening about the broken car. No asking after me irvthe dogs or horses. How can he be so cold? How does he not care? 5 weeks ago we sat in our house laughing with each other. Having a normal life.  Watching tv. Sleeping in the same bed. He's just walked away from that..I dont understand how he is able to? I didn't have an affair...I was faithful to him. Loved him fiercely. I was mean to him sometimes, nagged alot. But he wasnt always very nice to me. I didnt cheat. I didn't leave. I didnt think about doing either. Why would I? We hadnt actually got married but I was committed for life..good or bad. How could he?

I want to ask him when he's coming home.

Later...its now midnight. Im exhausted but my brain won't switch off. Ive spent the past 10 hours sitting on the sofa with the odd trip to the fridge. I cant spend the rest of my life like this. It was a lovely sunny day. Theres probably not many left for this year, and I was alone inside the house.

I joined a dating website. Looking for friends...not dating. Its soul destroying. I dont want to talk to these strangers. I have nothing in common with them. I cant talk about the trip to Italy we went on or that day we would took the horsebox for a drive. These people don't know me. Why would I want to talk to them? I don't want to.

I downloaded a new chat app that seems to be how they communicate nowadays. It was msn messenger back in the day. The new app showed me I had a contact already registered. Its him! The filthy cheat must have been contacting her through that! He wouldnt have  known about it so if she told him then she must be a regular online. She's married! What was he thinking? What an idiot.

I'm finishing the day the way I started it...depressed.

Day 30

Day 30. That seems a lot, a long time. A milestone. Should I be doing something differently now that it has been 30 days?

30 days since he told me about her. Also 30 days since he told me loved me, wanted to be with me, had made the worst mistake of his life. I was broken. Confused. Disbelieving. 30 days since I gave him another chance. The chance to stay and make it right. To give me time to come to terms with it.

I should have let him go. I know that now. To let him stay and then 2 weeks later allow him to drop another bomb on me, that was a mistake. I just couldn't be without him. I was in pain and the person I wanted to comfort me was the one causing it. He just had to be here.

I haven't seem him for over 2 weeks now. Not spoken on the phone since the day he collected a few of his things, also nearly 2 weeks ago.

Does he miss me? At all? I think about him every waking second.

Today has been a good day. No messages since yesterday morning which I'm sure helped. No tears at work today. I actually got a little cross about it all this afternoon. It dawned on me that each time he laughed to himself while looking at his phone, when he told me it was his younger sister, it was probably her. It was sisters birthday last month. I bought her card, wrote it, needed her new address to post it. Said I'd message her to get it. I remember him forcefully telling me not to, that he would. I thought it was a bit odd but never imagined it was probably because he hadn't been in contact with her for ages and didn't want there to be a slip up. How stupid am I? I have deleted lots of photos off of my phone. He had his phone in his hand in the majority of them. No doubt messaging her while I was taking stupid photos of him.

I feel so stupid. What an idiot. I caught him looking at me a few times. I realise now what he must have been thinking.

The message app that we use tells me that he used it at midnight last night. Who would he be messaging at that time of night? Her of course. Maybe spent the evening with her then messaged her when got home? In my heart I know he's with her, or in contact with her. It is happening with her. I know it is. He will be feeling rubbish. His life has changed too. He's lodging in a house. It must be uncomfortable, he'll be feeling sorry for himself. He'll want comforting. He'll want her.

I wish I could tell him. Don't do it. You're ruining both of our lives. Deep down I believe he loves me. He may not like me or want to be with me, but he loves me. Ending up with this woman will be desperate, a way for him to feel better. It won't work, he'll end up in a worse situation and it will be too late for us. It already is if I'm right and he's with her.

The mechanic didn't turn up tonight. I felt quite low, insignificant. It was a lovely evening, lots of people out enjoying the sun on a Friday night, making the most of it before its gone. I could hear neighbours in the garden, laughing, BBQ'ing. Not me. Tonights dinner is the egg sandwich I couldn't face for lunch today. How have I become so pathetic?

The horses were lovely tonight. Looked so lovely in the sunshine,

I wonder if I will speak to anyone this weekend before I go back to work on Monday?

Day 29

So another morning with a reply to last nights message. This time there was an extra message...all ok?

Frankly no. It is not all fucking ok. What a ridiculous thing to ask. I am likely to never be ok again.

I am bored with this now. Another morning crying at work. An email from a mortgage adviser telling me i am well short of being able to mortgage the house by myself. Of course I am. Nothing goes right for me, why should this be any different? I am still shocked though. I thought I would have to lose one of my horses but it would enable me to keep my home. It won't. Im going to lose it too. My home. Because of him. And her. I have been completely destroyed. I love my home. Its mine. Ours. It's a mess, but its my safe place. I dont know whats going to happen to me and my dogs. And all my stuff. I dont want to move somewhere new by myself. Im scared.

How can he do this to me?

Later on...this evening I spoke to one of the girls at the stables. Shes not a friend, although she is my Facebook friend, but we say hello and chat about our dogs and horses now and again. Tonight she told me she had caught her boyfriend sexting someone else earlier this year and they were no longer together. How did I not know this. She went through what I am now..I couldnt tell. I feel like I have a sign over my head..big fat loser, cant keep her man. And isnt my ring finger glowing empty, catching peoples eye? She also told me her father had an affair for the whole 25 years he was married to her mum. I've met her mum. She's alive. She didn't die from sadness. Another lady on the yard has been dumped by her husband and he's selling her house and car and generally being a pig.  Is she moping every night writing crap online? I bet she isn't.  What is wrong with me? I'm not special. This happens all the time.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will not cry. I just need to sleep. Its 11.33 pm and I dont exactly feel wide awake but sleep is not imminent. During the day I feel a zombie. I cant function at work..can't remember anything. My eyes keep closing. As soon as I go to bed..it's a whole different story.

Must sleep. Sleep=no tears. No tears=a good thing.

Day 28

Will it ever get any better? I was awake at 5am as usual. Checked my phone around 5.30 and he had just answered me. He hadn't been with her the night before. I wish hed also said...and I won't be.

Its all so wishy washy. I don't know what's going on. I feel horrible. So alone and vulnerable. I'm struggling with my emotions today. The shock with the car last night has really scared me.

I've always been so independent. Reluctant to ask anyone for help or to show weakness. I guess thats where alot of our issues came from. He would often moan at me to stop telling him what to do . To now be in the situation where if my car breaks down or I have a problem, I have no one at home to call. I have to ask for help from outside my comfort zone. That is horrible. I am not independent. I am weak.

I miss him. It has been 2 weeks since I have seen him. 4 weeks since he told me about her. It feels a lifetime ago. I am exhausted.

Why am I such a wet for God's sake. He doesn't deserve my tears or my concern. He cheated on me. He snuck around doing the dirty, laughing at me. Teaching me a lesson. I should be throwing his shit out into the street. How dare he. I am better than him and I always have been. My weight and my insecurity have blinded me and given him power over me. He is a filthy lying cheat that has strung me along and robbed me of my pride. My confidence. My ability to see any kind future for myself. I should be hurting him not letting him carry on hurting me. I should tell his sister's what he's done. One of them was dumped by a cheat and we didn't like him...thought he was an awful person for cheating. See how he'd like that. Why should he get away with it. How dare he tell me to leave him alone? I thought he wanted to talk today? Not heard from him tonight. Messaged during the day about car repairs. No mention of anything else. He's keeping me dangling. Its wrong. I'm allowing him to do it. He doesn't deserve me to want him home.

But I do. When will it stop?

Day 27

After a good day yesterday its gone downhill again today. On my drive to work this morning he text me to ask if he could go to "the house" to collect something. Of course he can, its his home. The problem for me is a reminder at 8am. I was ok until I had to hold a meeting with my boss mid morning. He had kindly postponed for me 2 weeks ago when I was in real distress at work so I had to man up. Sitting there, one to one, was so hard. I didn't care about work I just wanted to cry.

And I did afterwards and several times since. He text again to thank me for letting him go round? Instead if ignoring..I answered. Asked if he didnt feel like staying? Why do I do it to myself? He said he wants it to be amicable and that messages like that aren't helping. Ive known him for almost 7 years and he has never said amicable. He's said it a few times now. Has he got it from her?

4 weeks ago I would have laid my life on the line to say I knew him inside out, the way he thinks.

My head is telling me he does love me..he is coping with the guilt by running and telling me he doesn't love me. I know him..

But I dont really. I don't know this person that has been telling someone else he loves them. Viewing houses, meeting children.

I am tellling myself he loves me. Why am I torturing myself?

The day just got worse. Tonight the car broke down. The clutch went while I was on a tiny lane on Dartmoor. I managed to push it part way into a gateway so wasnt totally blocking the lane but I needed help. Phone signal was poor and my battery was low. I rang him for help...twice. I sent a message. Nothing. Nothing until 3 hrs later, 10 minutes after I got home. Ive never felt so alone and isolated as I did tonight standing by that car. I can only assume he was with her if he didnt answer the phone. He tried to ring me, text to ask if I was safe, if I was home. He didn't ask who what where when. He doesn't really care. He says we need to talk tomorrow. I ask if he was with her..nothing. No answer again.

Is he doing it on purpose? Punishing me for all the times we argued or I was mean? I don't know how much more I can take before my sanity goes. I am in pain. I am exhausted.

I am dreading tomorrow.

Day 26

Back to work today. Hardly slept a wink last night after the "leave me alone" fiasco.

Good to be back in a routine. Lovely evening to be out with the horses and dogs.

All in all a good day.

Day 25

I got through my birthday. It wasnt so bad by the end of the day. I had lots of birthday wishes on FB including from sister no 2. Not one single card from the post man though. I hope I'm in a better place next year as nobody should have to spend a birthday totally alone.

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm worried. Worried about the stress of coping by myself. Rushing home for the the dogs then going for the horses. I've got to do it. There's no one else. Its alot. What if I get stuck in traffic? Getting home and having the dogs barking is very upsetting and highly stressful. This is going to happen every day. I dont know if I can cope by myself. I will have to. I have no choice.

I asked him by text last night if he just wants me to give up and stop messaging. As usual he hasnt answered. I'm so frustrated.  He has taken everything from me. My best friend, my backbone, my love, my confidence, my trust. How long do I try to get those things back for? If I just stop..then what? I sign up on some website and look for someone new?  I told him when we met that this was forever, if he died I'd die. That hasn't really changed for me. How can I just stop and even think of meeting someone else? Knowing he's been with someone else is like a thousand knives in my stomach. Why doesn't he feel the same at the idea of me meeting someone else? That person sleeping in his bed, watching films with me, becoming "dad" to the dogs and whatever horses I've got left.

4 weeks ago today we had a nice day. He had a lie in while I got up early with the dogs. We met my parents for lunch at what I thought was our favourite pub, went for the horses in the afternoon and relaxed in the evening watching tv, the norm. We talked about doing things on our week off. Going to a safari park, I remember him asking where it was. There was no clue that the next day he would tell me he was leaving me and moving into a secret flat he'd organised. That was only 4 weeks ago.

Maybe I should try and meet someone else. I think my mum was 41 when my dad left her. Same age as me. She met my step dad after only a few months and has never looked back. She had 3 dogs and 2 horses too. Also 2 teenage daughters!

Luckily we dont have children. Ive never wanted them except after I met him, for a short time I did. I remember telling him, it must have been in our first year together, that we could  try the following year. We never did. I expect my weight was going up and life just got in the way as it never really came up again. Over the last year or so I have read up on fostering which surprised me. I was quite interested. We have the room and I thought we had a nice life to share with an unhappy child. What kid wouldnt like to spend time with horses or on the moor. We could've helped an older child so it would have been safe with the dogs. I never told him about it as I thought he wouldnt be interested. I knew he had wanted children but wasnt able to have them because of me and thought he wouldnt consider fostering. The whole time I was thinking about this he was having an affair.

It's good I didn't mention it to him.

I told him after.. He got really upset. I didnt understand. He'd just told me he didn't love me. He'd been sleeping with someone else. Why was he upset that I'd thought about fostering? As usual I got no response. I just apologised for upsetting him and wished I'd kept quiet. I apologised!

I still can't believe this has happened. I've been a bitch. A horrible cow. But I don't deserve this. He was horrible too. So controlling when we first met. But love was always there I thought. I was horrible to him but I didnt mean it. I loved him and tried to look after him.

I wish he'd come home. Even if he rented a room closer to home so we could at least try. He feels so far away although I dont really know where he is. Why cant he just answer my messages.

I've just remembered that on the first day that he told me he didnt love me and was leaving, he told me he had been to the doctor who had wanted to sign him off work with stress. He told me as though it was my fault. I wonder if he had told the doctor that he was having an affair and living a double life. Viewing houses with the service station grandma. Planning a whole new life with a married woman and then coming home to me. That really must have been stressful but I cant see how that is my fault. And he tried to make me feel bad about him being stresssed. Really..what a bastard. Maybe I should send him the link to this so he can read in black and white what he's done. Of course he doesnt read or reply to anything so what would be the point.

I have ordered some emegency contact keyrings to put on my car keys. It will be a notice that my pets are home alone..so if I crash or am found dead someone will know to help my dogs at home and they wont be left in danger. That is a very sad thing to have to do.

Later on...well I pushed him too far again. Because he doesnt answer my messages and I dont know the reason...is he with her, does he have no signal, is he ignoring me?..I got irritated and it ended with him telling me to leave him alone and talking about solicitors. I just wanted to know if he was happy. I have no closure. I don't know why he left me. Does he really not love me? Is he shacking up with her? I honestly don't know. I need to know. How can I move on when I dont understand. I brought up the animals as I knew it would upset him. And why shouldn't I? He slept with someone else and left me on my own on my birthday. He deserves everything I throw at him. Which isn't much. Because I love him. But I also hate him.
Back to work tomorrow and I'm going to be upset again. I wish I could erase him.

Day 24. My birthday

I dont know how you can do this to me. Today is my birthday. I woke up alone, had breakfast alone. I am alone. I am by myself. It is my birthday and I am by myself.

You did text me..for what its worth happy birthday. Its worth nothing. There is no happiness. I am by myself. Crying. On my birthday.

Of course theres no card from the animals this year. No balloon from you. No one to make me feel like this day is any different to the rest. People are posting on Facebook's wishing me happy birthday. They dont know that I wish I was dead. If I didnt have the dogs or the horses I think I would kill myself. But I cant do that to them. What if theyre alone for days with no food or water. I just couldnt do that. It is my birthday and I am by myself. Crying. You did this to me. And you cant even answer my messages.

Part 2

It is nearly over. I survived. I spent most of the morning crying but ok for the rest of the day. Ive not spoken to a single person. I've been totally by myself all day.
His sister messaged me to say happy birthday and sorry to hear the news, so that was something. I told my poor mum I didnt want to see her so she left a card and present in the doorstep for me. That's very sad. For both of us. Reading back my words from this morning I really need to get a grip. Its not doing me any good. If he doesnt want me to message him again then I won't. I cant convince him he's made a mistake, he needs to figure that vout hinself, and its only frustrating me more when he doesnt reply.

I survived the day..onto the next.

And I washed the t-shirt and threw away the milk.

Day 23

Mornings seem to be worst. When I'm at my most vulnerable. I'm at the stage now that I fall asleep very quickly, probably because I'm staying up later than I normally would to make myself tired. I still wake up early but manage to get back to sleep until I have to get up to give the dogs their breakfast. As I've been off work I've got in the habit of going back to bed with the dogs. This is where the problem lies. I can't get back to sleep now. My brain is going 100mph. So i start writing crap on here.

I dreamt about him last night. We were on a plane to Australia. Don't know what that means, its not somewhere we ever discussed going to.

Facebook is showing the first of my dreaded memories. This day last year we had dinner outside our hotel in Paris in view of the Eiffel Tower. The lights started flashing! It was beautiful..it took our breath away. It was unexpected and amazing and we were happy. I've messaged him a link to the video. I don't know why. He hasnt read my messages from last night yet. I kind of bombarded him with them..

I'm so focused on him not being here that the affair seems secondary but when I remember it's a shock all over again. I actually get pictures in my head which is horrible. The first time this happened i grabbed a pair of scissors from my bedside table and cut my arm with them. I thought it would be more pain..something physical I could see, control. It just left me feeling weak. I did it 4 more times. They are still visible but not so deep that they wont fade in time I think.

Yesterday I received the most beautiful bunch of flowers in the post from my thoughtful step brother. There was a card too with some really kind words meant to help me. I cried. He went through a horrible break up too last year. He survived.

I'm still really hurt that I've not heard from anyone in his family. I've spent years buying them Christmas presents and remembering their birthdays. It's unkind. Rude. Why am I so insignificant?

There's a phone in on tv..is your weight causing problems on your relationship? Lots of sad ladies calling in. Husbands have had affairs because the wives were self conscious of weight, felt unattractive, so pushed husbands away. It's what I did. Crying again. Doesn't make me feel any better. These ladies dont need to lose 10 stone. I do. I lost nearly a stone in the last 3 weeks but I have my appetite back the last couple of days so no doubt it will be going back on.

I advertised one of my horses yesterday. I hope no one replies. I dont want to face it. I cant afford to keep him, but hes my mate. Im his mum..how can I do it to him? It's totally out of my control. Why should someone elses actions have such an impact on my life. Its not fair. I was faithful. Why should I be punished?

I just want him to come home, where he belongs. With me. We can deal with anything as long as he loves me. Does he? He said he doesnt but I can't accept that. He must. He did, then he didnt, then he did again, then he didnt. Which is it?

My mums dog died today.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Day 22 since the world ended

I'm awake again. I didn't die in my sleep. If I did nobody would know for days. Would the dogs eat me?

That wasn't my first thought when I woke. It was of HIM. Where is he? There is somebody out there that has all of my secrets. I thought I had HIS. I didn't.

I love him. I miss him. I need him. We belong together. We are  soulmates.

At the end of the day HE cheated on me. We've not argued about the washing up..he made a conscious decision to meet another woman in a hotel while HE was engaged to me. That is serious. That is fatal. Why am I still missing him, loving him? Believing we are soulmates? 

I feel ashamed. For HIM and for me. What he did is dirty and low and disgusting. Like eating food off the floor. Does he know that? Does he care? I'm ashamed for myself as that dirty food on the floor was better than me and everyone will know. I wasn't always friendly but always honest and I'm annoyed that HE got to have a trustworthy and honest partner and I didn't. It never occurred to me. Never ever crossed my mind. HE just wouldn't do that. We will always be together. Made for each other. The other half of me. Now that half is gone.

I'm trying to manage being 50%. Being off work and hiding from the world is helping. 2 days ago I saw my neighbour. He asked how I was. I cried. He hugged me. I was humiliated. My neighbour is a nice kind man. He was just making small talk. I felt bad for him and shame for myself. How will I manage when a real person asks how I am? In 4 days I have to go back to work and face reality.
 

In 2 days it is my birthday. I am dreading it. I am dreading opening facebook and the memories from last year popping up. The trip to Paris. The most amazing exhausting birthday. A boat trip down the Seine. Walking all over Paris and a visit to the Museum. This year I don't want to get out of bed. I have to though. Mrs responsible must get up and feed the dogs and walk them..and go and check on the horses. Of course I want to do those things. I love my animals..they are now my whole life. It would just be nice to be able to wallow all day if I wanted to.

I just cant stop thinking about HIM. He doesn't deserve my time or tears. I cant help it. I hate the man that has done this to me but I still love the man that hadn't. My brain cannot cope with the fact the two are the same person.

The love of my life..my soul mate...is just gone. GONE. One minute he was here. Then he wasn't. And for God's sake..yes his t-shirt is in the washing basket. So what..it doesn't mean anything. He just wasn't thinking and/or he's selfish. Need to forget about the t-shirt.
 

The sun is out..I can see behind the bedroom curtains. What shall I do today? I expect the same as the last 5 days. Put on a brave face and do what needs doing before running home to hide again.

I just miss HIM so much.

HE has told me in no uncertain terms..he does not love me.

How can this be true? Of course HE does, what's he talking about? I'm HIS nutbag..his fiancée, soulmate. He'll always love me..remember?

And then I do remember. He had a double life. Maybe SHE is his nutbag now. Did he tell HER the same things he told me when we met? Was he pinching himself...would his dad have loved her..is she the best thing to happen to him? The double life thing is mad. He may have spent a day in bed with HER and come home to me and our ordinary life with horse poo and senile dogs and nagging and tv. How could I possibly compete with secret exciting rendezvous' in service stations and Travelodges? Who is HE?

I miss him.

My lovely friend from work wants to meet me tomorrow, take me out for lunch. I can't. It's too hard to put on a brave face. I'm desperate to text him, for him to tell me he's changed his mind, had time to think. I can't concentrate on a conversation with my friend. Especially not in a restaurant that I've been to with him. There are memories everywhere, it's not safe to leave the house unless absolutely necessary.

When did I become so weak and pathetic. I am a big character...gobby, outspoken, no nonsense. Am I? Who is this pathetic weakling crying as she pours her heart out to an invisible and non existent audience? I don't know what to do from one minute to the next.  I am wondering the house like a ghost, from one tiny messy room to the next. All the time thinking about HIM! I wanted to go to the cinema this week.... we wanted to. I really want to see the film. I considered going by myself...I'm not letting him spoil that. I keep looking up the film times... don't know why, they don't change.  I can do it, I'll show HIM! But I won't because he doesn't care, he's not here. He wouldn't know anyway. Why torture myself.

I've never fallen out of love with somebody I'm with. I don't understand how it works? He claims he was driving around at work and realised. What? We had a 5 minute conversation about it... what can you say to that? If there had been no affair I may have fought harder but I don't know anything about what's been going on and have nothing in my corner. He says he told HER he loved her  but that he didn't really, he just cared for her. Was he driving around at work and realised he did love HER while realising he didn't love me? I don't know, he doesn't speak to me. He gets annoyed, runs.

How does he not miss me. We've done (almost!) everything together for nearly 7 years. I can't function without him, he's my backbone. Why aren't I his? Is SHE? Is he with her? Isn't he? Why doesn't he miss me. Our small untidy home. Our life. It wasn't perfect... but it was ours. I haven't always been very nice to him, or him to me. That's just life. When I'm having a hard time I take it out on the person nearest me and that was always him. I didn't mean it, I thought he didn't mean it either.

I cannot imagine my life without him. I know he's gone, but he's still here. That bloody t-shirt, his slippers, The milk in the fridge which I should really throw away. What do I do when it's all gone?

I don't deserve this.

FFS I've text him.

22 part 2

And he answered me. 4.5hrs later. He feels crap. Me too. Why does he feel crap? Apparently it doesnt matter. Of course it matters. Does he feel crap because he's made a mistake and he misses me but he's too proud to say or too scared to face things? Or does he feel crap because he has a cold, or a hard day at work. It matters because one of those things means the difference between life and no life. To me it matters. 

Of course I pressed him..scared him off. The one word answers reappeared. I was convinced he hadnt talked to anyone about things..that it wasnt really happening. But he's told one of his sister's who must have told the other who must have told his mum and step dad. But I've had no text. No words of comfort or concern over his ridiculous behaviour. No reassurance that they'll talk to him, make him see sense. That really hurt. I'm not close to his family but I was a part of it.

I asked him if he wanted to meet for a drink tomorrow evening. I'll bring the dogs to a pub with a garden. Not a good idea he says. And I'm off again, pushing him...because you love me, youre running from guilt. And there ended the conversation.

I can't help myself. I need answers..I need closure. I'm in limbo..still clinging to a pointless hope. I love him.

 

I wish I could go back and change things. Change me..the chip on my shoulder that makes me so mean and impatient. That drives people away. I'm a good person under the self loathing I project onto everyone around me. I turned a lovely kindhearted person who adored me into an unfaithful liar who can't stand to have a conversation with me by text.

The car wouldn't start today. 2 turns of the key and nothing. Completely dead. Panic..can I ring him? Would he come? I'm stranded..What do I do? It started on the third turn..thank god. Another reminder..YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!

Tonight I thought a dog was dead. He snores loudly with exaggerated rise and fall of his chest. There was nothing. No noise, no movement. I watched for maybe 10 seconds. Feeling sick. Put my hand on his head. Nothing. Stroked him..nothing. Gave a little nudge...thank god the old sod woke up. He was in a really deep sleep and scared the hell out of me. He's so old and fragile looking. Out on a walk the other day he shook himself as it was raining and he got so wobbly he fell over into a puddle in a pot hole. It was so sad.

It is now past midnight. That means tomorrow is my birthday. God I'm dreading it..I don't want it. I must sleep.

 

Day 21..

So this is my first post of my first blog. Its been 3 weeks of many firsts.
First time for:
1. Being told youre not loved and hes organised to move out in 3 days.  T minus 2 days to Day 1.
2. Being told you are loved but hes had an affair for a year. Day 1.
3. Being so in love with someone you agree to give them a second chance despite always saying and believing you wouldn't stand for infidelity.
4. Spending 2 weeks carrying on as normal while dying inside.
5. After 2 weeks being told he doesn't love you after all.
6. Being left with no goodbye but a £150,000 mortgage, 3 dogs and 2 horses.

Its not been the best 3 weeks that's for sure. Luckily I have a week off work..its my birthday week. Unluckily I am all by myself with nothing to do but dwell and think and feel sorry for myself. I havent seen him for over a week. He was gone when I came home from work. We've spoken a couple of times but its like getting blood out of a stone. Ive emailed and sent messages about my feelings and confusion and I get an electronic grunt in return. Hes just not interested. 2 days ago he came to collect his clothes. All of his washing was done ready for him. Even the ancient stuff at the bottom of the basket..the suit trousers he wore once to a wedding 3 years ago. He took them..but left most of his things here in his wardrobe still? He even put a t-shirt in the dirty washing basket while here. Am i missing something? He's upped and gone with a few bits for a weekend away. I am confused. There is still a half full bottle of water on his bedside table. How am I meant to deal with this? He has left and taken np responsibility with him. He is free, he can do whatever he likes. Meet as many women at Bridgwater Travel Lodge as he likes. I am in our home. The burden of money and keeping 5 animals alive weighing on me. And there are clothes in the washing basket and drinks on the bedside table. How do I even begin to heal? Wow this self pity thing is bad!

21 part 2.

After heaving myself out of bed I received a text from HIM.
Hope the dogs and horses are ok.
Not sure if the deliberate absence of concern over my welfare is an intentional attempt to upset me or if the message was an attempt on HIS part to make himself feel better and ease his conscience by being a caring "father". Either way I didnt respond. My fingers have been twitching for the last 12 hours and 35 minutes but I have resisted. Maybe if I send a picture of the dogs he'll remember he does love me and admit he lied about having an affair. No..I don't think so. So i restrain myself.  I watched a film tonight..the first I've watched since being single. It was scary..shark attack! The dogs were asleep and gave me no moral support. I didnt talk the whole way through. No running commentary on this one. In fact if I hadnt gone to shop today I wouldnt have spoken to another human being. But I did. I asked if I could have a carrier bag and then I said thank you. I am clearing out the recordings on the tv. Feeling guilty to be watching our programmes without him. I'm saving them afterwards so he can watch them..after he comes to take the tv away. He'll collect his freshly washed t-shirt at the same time. I dont know where he is, what he's doing or who he's doing it with but he's doing it all without his slippers. They're still here. Why didnt he take them? Hes renting a room in a house supposedly. Is he walking around in his shoes or is he bare foot in a strangers house? Thats just not right. Why wouldn't you take your slippers? He took the suit trousers that he'd not worn for 3 years. I'm getting hung up on laundry and house shoes. I think I should sleep. See what tomorrow brings.