Day 181

It's still hard for me to believe what has become of my life.

6 whole months have gone by, so much has happened, but it still feels like yesterday that I stood in front of him in my pants and tshirt while he cried loudly, boohoo for him, that he'd had an affair.

6 months ago today my world ended.

It didn't really end. I can see that now. It just changed. In the most hurtful and painfully shocking way that I could never have imagined. But it was not the end of my life although it could very easily have been as my emotions took me to some very dark places. I am very thankful that I had the strength and support, mostly from people I've never met, to keep me from doing something really stupid.

So life goes on...or what remains.   I can't really make any plans for the future as I don't even know where I'll be living in another 6 months. But hopefully I'll be safe and content and able to write some nice things in my diary rather than moaning and doom and gloom all the time.

Inspired by a cyber friend before Christmas,  I wanted to write a list of things I wanted to do for myself in the New Year. I'm not one for resolutions and all that crap usually but it seemed appropriate. It wasn't as easy as I thought. I think based on the unknown future/house sale/move etc. my finances are in severe distress and therefore the dream of going to Rome or travelling etc weren't realistic.

I have 2 visits to London pencilled in this year. One for a concert and one for a wedding. I have not attended either of these alone before so my list includes not chickening out of going. I'm from the South East but haven't been to London for around 20 years so this is a big deal for me. With the added discomfort of going to a wedding as a spinster...

I also want to have a tattoo. I have none.  I became obsessed last year with the idea of a bright green peacock feather but a) I was all talk b) I couldn't find an image I liked c) more talk. I don't want a tramp stamp, nothing obvious, just a small one on the inside of my left forearm. A bright green reminder that I can discreetly look at when I have a blip to remind that I can do this. Tattoos cost money so this may not be able to be achieved this year.

What I want most in the world is to be able to ride my horses.  I have half heartedly started a diet but I really need to take it seriously. It's just so bloody hard when I have so much to lose.  Losing weight will change my life and give me my confidence back. I wouldn't care about going solo to a wedding if I felt good about myself.

So 6 months on from the worst day of my life I have a plan of sorts..I am alive, healthy(ish), I have a job, family that love me and my beloved animals. There's so much to be thankful for, my whole outlook has changed.

So really maybe I should change the name of my diary to Days since my life started...