I felt a million times better this morning after going to bed at 9pm last night.
Until I got a text from him on my drive to
work. He wants to arrange to come round to collect his things soon. I said fine but has to be a Sunday. Shame if it makes it awkward for him as he has to hire a man and van! I'm not wasting my Saturdays for him so it's tough shit. Then he asked how are the animals. He named them all. It really annoyed me. I replied..fine. And that was it. He doesn't really care how they are, he only asked because he wanted something. That is what upset me. Not hearing from him as such, although I really would rather not, but his disregard for the animals who were essentially his children for 7 years.
work. He wants to arrange to come round to collect his things soon. I said fine but has to be a Sunday. Shame if it makes it awkward for him as he has to hire a man and van! I'm not wasting my Saturdays for him so it's tough shit. Then he asked how are the animals. He named them all. It really annoyed me. I replied..fine. And that was it. He doesn't really care how they are, he only asked because he wanted something. That is what upset me. Not hearing from him as such, although I really would rather not, but his disregard for the animals who were essentially his children for 7 years.
I was busy at work. I spent the day alone in an office with my head down doing manager stuff and it was good. I didn't have to lose my patience or get irritated by any idiots. I didn't think of him or his text once. Until I went back to my own desk at home time and saw my screensaver of the dogs.
As I got in the car to drive home I caught a glimpse of the doggy trolley that I was carting Ronnie around in before he died. It's still in the back seat. And that was it..the flood gates opened. Hearing from him dredges up all sorts of resentments and emotions. I'm so hurt by losing my dog. I hate him for not being there as my partner or otherwise. My lasting memory of Ronnie will be me holding him in the car park at the vets. His tiny bony body cradled in my arms and his silky little head tucked between my shoulder and my double chins. Feeling his heart stop and his head flop is the worst experience of my life and I resent that he hasn't had to experience it. I won't ever forget it and it's torturing me. Each morning when my computer wakes up at work my heart sinks when I see his face on the screen. It feels like a betrayal but I'm going to have to change the screensaver.
So I cried all the way home. I'm crying as I type this.
Every day is like groundhog day at the moment. I need a break from the norm..a chance to get my head back on straight. I was feeling so much more positive. I just need to sell the bloody house
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