Day 105

This shit is real! As if there has been any doubt for at least 2 months!

Today I have been supplying a solicitor with information. Looking back over mortgage applications and emails with estate agents. It's all quite sad really. Not as sad as it could have been, considering the first day in the house wasn't exactly the romantic magical event I might have hoped for. If you've, been following my diary you'll know what I mean. If you haven't, well you should!

I got a bit upset this morning telling my workmate about possible plans for ducking out of Christmas this year. I don't know what to do for the best. I know I will feel ashamed in front of my family...sister and brother in law and step sister and step brother. I will feel upset and I don't want to cry in front of them. I have water leaking from my eyes now. It's involuntary, I have no control.

I have time to decide but it's weighing on my mind. I expect he'll have a lovely Christmas. Either back up North with his family or with the unglamorous granny and her offspring. I would feel betrayed if he spent Christmas with his family which is stupid, they owe me nothing. But he is a piece of shit and doesn't deserve to be treated as anything less. I don't care if he spends it with the slut, she's welcome to him.

Which is why I don't get why the idea of him not being with me is so upsetting. I guess because its change. If the routine was different perhaps it would be easier but knowing every year is exactly the same is hard. Embarassing.

I'm so tired which doesn't help.  I need a break from it all. A nice peaceful stress free time with no thoughts about houses or money or being scared. A long sleep with no bad dreams. A coma would do the trick.