Friday, 9 June 2017

Day 332

I cant believe it's been almost a year.

I was sitting at the table this evening eating my dinner when it suddenly dawned on me that I was eating dinner alone. I do it every night, tonight was no different, but it made me pause and I felt overwhelmed with sadness. I'm tearing up writing this. It's stupid, I know that.

I feel like this is it. Me, alone for the rest of my life. I have absolutely no interest in meeting anyone else. I can't bear the thought of it. So why does it make me sad? I'm so busy trying to manage work and dogs and horses, yet my life feels really empty.

I'm worrying about moving house. How will I manage the logistics. I'll have removal men but who will stay behind to clean the house while I rush to collect the keys for the new one? I don't know how to do it by myself. I'm also getting a bit worked up at being alone in the new house for the first time. It should be exciting but I predict tears. They're flowing fast now so who knows what state I'll get myself in on moving day.  People manage, millions of people. I've been through worse than moving house, but my home is my safe place and it will all be so unfamiliar. I don't even know where the local shops are.

I hope I shrug these feelings off, I feel stupid that that I'm still being affected because of that arseholes actions. 

And I'm still getting post here for him.

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