Day 69

My phone buzzed first thing this morning and my heart sank in case it was him. Thankfully it wasn't but it set the day off in the wrong direction.

I seem to be in a slump that I can't get out of. I guess it's the looming house issue. New flooring is being laid in 3 days and then I need to get on with appointing an estate agent. 3 days is not a very long time. I had put the whole house sale/nowhere to live issue to the back of my mind but it's rearing it's head now.

It will be such hard work to manage alone. I feel so much resentment. How dare he do this and then disappear and leave me, the innocent party, to deal with all the crap and heartache.

Today I said I wished he was dead. How have I become this person? 10 weeks ago I thought this would be the person  I would be retiring with,  who would be at my bedside when I was old and dying. In such a short time I'm hoping for his death. That's messed up. That's infidelity!

I have a silver locket that I used to wear every day. I kept a note from him in it and carried it around for over 6 years. A couple of months ago I put the necklace on in the morning and found the locket was open. I panicked. Where was the note? I was relieved to find it on the floor. I put it back in the locket and never wore it again incase I lost it as the clasp was broken.

I opened message today. I had no recollection of what the note said, only that it meant something and I always carried it.  I shouldn't have bothered.