Day 130

The Saturday blues have been replaced by miserable Mondays. I have not had a great day.

When you decide to get a pet, a puppy, two puppies, you don't think of how it will feel when their short lives come to an end and you need to make a hard decision. I certainly didn't. 17 years later and I may be facing it now.

The past 7 years, building a relationship, was supposed to mean that I have somebody to support me, stand beside me while I consider making the hardest decision of my life. But here I am. Alone.

The dog in the trolley is not doing so good. He's going to the doctor on Friday to get checked out. I feel terrible. I'm afraid. He is struggling to walk, usually when we're out and it's raining. Tonight he was quite sprightly when he heard me rustling in the kitchen. But it's inevitable. This week, next month? At some point it will happen and because if somebody else's poor choices I will be facing it alone.

So I was sad today. I cried on my drive to work. I had an email from my solicitor to say she hasn't had a reply from him. So that added to my anxiety. Is he being a dick again? Is it revenge for the bloody money tin? So I cried on my way home from work, I cried when I got home and then I cried on my drive to and from the stables.

I am all cried out, for now.

If I do have to make a decision about my dog, should I tell him? Give him a chance to say goodbye? See him again? It's more than he deserves but it would be the right thing to do. For my conscience.

He is such a bastard arsehole he doesn't have a clue what I've been going through. I resent him so much I want to cause him physical pain. 

He better reply to my solicitor or the motorbike gets it!