Day 121

Why did he have to phone me?

I was pretty much at the point where I felt nothing for him, other than regret for the wasted years. Now I'm reliving it all. Day 1 going over and over in my head and I feel hatred for him again.

He was such a lying pig. Even when he wanted to stay and was coming clean he was still lying. I remember asking him questions. Calmly, surreally. I asked if they'd talked about moving in together and he said "there is a house there if  we want it". I didn't know what this meant, I was confused. I assumed a relative had a house they could move into or something, It wasn't until later when it was agreed he could stay and he went out to to make calls to cancel his flat and removal van. When he got home he said he'd "rung that woman to tell her he wouldn't be paying anything for the house". Again I was confused. He meant the new landlady surely. I asked him what lady? And he meant her..the whore.  I was so shocked that he'd actually had the nerve to phone her when he was putting me through this that it didn't really register that in fact they must have actually rented a place and he was meant to pay towards it until his 4 month flat rental was up.

I had also asked him if they'd talked about kids and "it had come up". I mean WTF. I asked I she had kids, and she did. Had he met them? One of them? An 18 year old daughter that had a toddler. She'd come to collect the kid while grab a granny and presumably my fiancé were babysitting. I was gobsmacked. So the daughter knows about you? I asked. I mean, this woman is married. Having an affair. The daughter knows about it? He laughed "she does now", as though it was a joke and I was his mate and not his life partner.

I mean, what a piece of shit. Typing this now I fail to understand why I have allowed this disgusting excuse for a human being to hurt me, continue to hurt me. He doesn't deserve the energy I'm spending typing this, let alone my tears and most definitely not my thoughts of ending my life!

I didn't get to see my sister and niece today, time ran out.

Tomorrow I'm meeting them all at a pub for lunch. "Our" pub where we'd go for birthday lunch or mothers day etc. It's where we met my parents the day before any of this happened.  I thought  I would never be able to go there again as it would hurt. But fuck him. I have zero happy memories of  my time with him. They have all been tainted so I'm going to drive there tomorrow with my head held high and walk in just like anyone else walking into any other pub.