Day 81

I keep going over things in my head. Things that we've done or places we've been in the last year. Trying to remember if there were any any signs that I missed.

It's very confusing. He's not the brightest, I don't know how I didnt know. We tried out new sofas. We talked about new cars.  We did some decorating. All normal stuff. Why was he doing those things knowing what he was doing elsewhere? How could he? How did he keep a straight face and not have a breakdown with the stress?

These are the questions that now bother me. I don't care about the actual goings on any more. Ins and outs for want of a better phrase! It is the lies he told me. How he must have laughed behind my back.

For my 40th last year he booked a surprise trip to Paris. I didn't react well. I hate surprises. People doing things behind my back. Even if it is for a good reason. I hate hidden camera tv shows, people being pranked. Films where people are double crossed. Anything that involves deceit and making people look stupid. He knew that. And when I didnt like the "surprise" he was surprised.

So to do the most disgusting thing of all behind my back..he must have known how I would feel. Is that why we bought stuff for the garden together? A stupid hanging basket. Some fence panels. Insignificant stuff that he used to cover up the secret life.

I am so angry with him. I havent seen or spoken to him other than by text in what must be more than 2 months now. I havent screamed and shouted at him. I haven't got any answers. I don't know if I really want them. I just want to be hypnotised to remove the questions from my mind. When we went to the beach that time was he thinking of her? Was he feeling guilty?  When he went out to collect a takeaway instead if having it delivered was he phoning her? Why didn't I notice? He was no different that's why. The disgusting filthy pig excuse for a man thought only of himself and therefore had no shame or guilt and that's why I didn't notice. I'm even questioning Christmas presents from last year. Why? I need to stop.

If I'm honest hand on heart, apart from the absolute terror of not knowing where I'm going to live or what will happen to me and my animals, I'm happier without him.  I am lonely. I get upset. But it's not because of him. It's because of the situation, and I think its really important that I can recognise that.  I don't need him. I thought he was my soul mate. My true love,  made just for me. I was wrong. My soul mate wouldn't have done that. He's still out there and I hope one day I will meet him.