Day 86

I had had a really good day. 

I was smiling, happy, had something to look forwards to. My best friend from school who I haven't sent for around 15 years messaged me this morning telling me to buy a concert ticket and go with her to see Bros. We were huge Bros fans when we were teenagers. Used to bunk of school ALL THE TIME, get on a train and go and hang around outside Luke Goss' house or go up to their studio n London. We were about 14! Anyway they're doing a concert in London and she asked me to go. I instantly said no, couldn't possibly, too far away, too many dogs, too many horses. All the usual excuses. Plus I've not seen her for years and frankly I don't go anywhere! Then I thought sod it! So I bought a ticket, it's not even with her so I'll be by myself in arena with thousands of other people. I was so excited and so proud to actually do something unexpected and random. Plus I have 10 months to psych myself up to actually go!

Then I get home and get shitty text from someone at the stables. Nothing wrong, or really even a big dealt, but its just knocked me back down again. I don't know why people think that they can walk over me.  That their wants or needs are more significant than mine and should take priority. I'm so sick of feeling second rate, that I don't fit in. It may well be all in my head but that doesn't make it any better.

Sometimes I really wish I could just tell so many people what I think of them. Your kid is ugly and annoying, you've got brown stained gap teeth, you're a stuck up cow, you are really not very clever, you bore me.  That would not really do me any favours in the popularity stakes.

I really try to be a decent person. I am honest and always bend over backwards to help. I just don't suffer fools and why should I? I don't know why these things make me unlikeable to the general population! Away from work I do not have one single proper friend. I am 41 years old... that is really sad. I am a nice person, it just seems nobody else knows.

Its Friday night. I'm at home alone, cold because I don't want to put the heating on because I've spent all my money on a concert ticket. And I've just realised I've got Gardeners World on the TV.

And tomorrow is Saturday! Not feeling very optimistic about tomorrows mood!