Day 109

If there was ever any doubt that the universe has it in for me, I am now sure.

Today is Halloween. The clocks changed last night so it was already dark when I arrived home from work. I got upset driving to the stables. It's not something I should be doing alone in the dark. The yard was pitch black, I was nervy just getting out of the car to open the gate to drive in.

In my wisdom I left the headlights on so I had something to focus on from the field, like a lighthouse. A beacon in the dark. I was seeing to the horses with fireworks going off in the background thanking god they were behaving and not getting spooked while I was in with them. I was thinking how I was never going to meet anyone spending my life in the dark in the middle of nowhere unless it was a murderer, in which case I'd probably rather not meet them.

While I was thinking all these stupid things my car battery was merrily draining down. So I did meet someone tonight. A fricking vehicle recovery truck driver.

Thank god this time round I had breakdown cover. I had to wait about 90 minutes and spent most of that time wetting myself in the dark. The distant fireworks explosions were scary. The flood light kept turning off which meant venturing from my car into the dark waving my arms like a lunatic. My phone battery was going down so had to turn my internet off. I was so alone...apart from the dogs who were trying to gas me out of the car.

I did cry. I was genuinely scared, really creeped out. I have to go every night, alone. In the wind and rain it's even worse. I am nervous just thinking about it.

It would have been our 7 year anniversary on Friday. I am so angry with him I feel I should send him a message in Friday to tell him what I think of him. But what would be the point. I'll only end up checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if he's replied.

It's times like this that I'm reminded of what he's done to me. I don't know why so much is going wrong for me, but it's all his fault and I hate him for it.

Day 108

No dramas. An ok day.

Sunshine and lots of TV binge watching.

No random phone calls, no checking my phone for messages. I'm ok.

Nothing to report here, move along.

Day 107

Saturday started predictably. Feeling down.

As soon as I woke up I wanted to check my phone. See if he'd tried to call me again. Is that what he wanted? To get under my skin again? Well he failed. I was a little unsettled but actually I'm ok. I'd still like to know wtf he was thinking. I am sure he was ringing for a nice friendly chat. He probably needed an ego boost and thought I'd be happy to talk to him as we finally have agreement about the house. That that must make him a good person.

There is nothing he could ever do to right the wrong. I cannot believe I was actually giving him a second chance all those weeks ago. Someone asked me today if I would have him back and I can say with all honesty not a chance in hell. And it is mostly down to his behaviour after the fact. When I needed him most he didn't care. There is no possibility that we can ever be friends.

So all in all not a bad day. The sun was shining, my horses were lovely and I've lit the fire and got my favourite TV programmes lined up. What is there not to be happy about?

Day 106

It's been a really stressful day at work.

I cried when I left as I was so tired and felt frazzled.

Last night the dishwasher broke. Another tick in the box for shit things to deal with.

I was so looking forwards to relaxing at the weekend. Catching up on some sleep, spending time with my horses.

Now my head is mashed and my weekend probably ruined. As I was unloading the dogs from the car for a walk tonight I heard my phone ringing and just ignored as had my hands full. When I got back to the car I saw it was him! He had rung me. For the first time in months. Unprompted. I was really annoyed. What the F did he want? I'm too tired to deal with anything new. I msgd him back to ask if he'd rung and he replied, yes he actually replied, saying it doesn't matter. I assumed he'd rung me by mistake and sent a sarcastic reply about pressing my name instead of hers. The first time I'd really had a dig  about anything so assumed he'd be annoyed and that would be that.

But he rang again. Bearing in mind for the past 7 years he has known I will be busy with the horses at that time of night I was really cross and driving through a dodgy signal area on my way home. But I answered, hands free of course officer, and he was like Hiya, you alright? What the hell? Is he messing with me? Like we were mates and he was ringing for a chat. I was so shocked I barked at him. WHAT DO YOU WANT? And then I lost signal. I guess I reminded him what a horrible person I am and now he doesn't want to talk to me.

I am so confused. Yesterday I finally had agreement from him about the house and have a little security back. Today he rings me for a chat? I just want him to go away but apparently I also want him to want me. Of course he doesnt, and I don't want him but now, I feel sad and confused and I hate it. It was the first time I had heard his voice in such a long time. And I barked.

And to make it all worse I've got a mountain of washing up to retrieve from the dishwasher.

Day 105

This shit is real! As if there has been any doubt for at least 2 months!

Today I have been supplying a solicitor with information. Looking back over mortgage applications and emails with estate agents. It's all quite sad really. Not as sad as it could have been, considering the first day in the house wasn't exactly the romantic magical event I might have hoped for. If you've, been following my diary you'll know what I mean. If you haven't, well you should!

I got a bit upset this morning telling my workmate about possible plans for ducking out of Christmas this year. I don't know what to do for the best. I know I will feel ashamed in front of my family...sister and brother in law and step sister and step brother. I will feel upset and I don't want to cry in front of them. I have water leaking from my eyes now. It's involuntary, I have no control.

I have time to decide but it's weighing on my mind. I expect he'll have a lovely Christmas. Either back up North with his family or with the unglamorous granny and her offspring. I would feel betrayed if he spent Christmas with his family which is stupid, they owe me nothing. But he is a piece of shit and doesn't deserve to be treated as anything less. I don't care if he spends it with the slut, she's welcome to him.

Which is why I don't get why the idea of him not being with me is so upsetting. I guess because its change. If the routine was different perhaps it would be easier but knowing every year is exactly the same is hard. Embarassing.

I'm so tired which doesn't help.  I need a break from it all. A nice peaceful stress free time with no thoughts about houses or money or being scared. A long sleep with no bad dreams. A coma would do the trick.

Day 104

We have finally reached agreement about the house.

It means I cannot market the house until after Christmas, but I have some power back and now no reason to have contact with him until I have a buyer for the house. Its the best possible outcome. It's what I wanted. I feel nothing.

Not happiness, not relief, nothing.

I am so exhausted. I was shocked to realise earlier that it is only 3 months today since I have seen him. It feels so much longer. I am worn out. I just want it to be over.

Day 103

I can't even be bothered.

Not heard from him again.

Been scared in the dark.

Blah blah same as every other day.

Day 102

I have never hated you more than I do right now.

I am exhausted and cold and wet. I have been in the pitch black pouring rain entirely alone in a field with two cold wet horses charging at me while you're probably sitting on your big fat lazy arse stuffing yourself with KFC.

I have been walking the dogs in the most vile weather and I was afraid.  Physically scared.

I hate you Gavin. I hope one day you stumble across this blog and read what you've put me through. I hope you read all the things I haven't been able to say to you because I'm afraid you're going to take my dog or my money if I'm not pleasant to you.

I hope you read that I wish I had been single the last 7 years and that I had never met you. Never got myself into the situation where I am now one of those people scarred by infidelity. Like you must have been when your wife did it to you! You piece of shit.

I hate you Gavin. I hate every memory I have of you. They are all tainted. You can take your trip to Paris and shove it up your arse. All the presents and jokes and tears of laughter we used to share are all destroyed. There is only one memory that stands out for me now and that is you trying to blame this on me.

It was you. Your tiny dick and even tinier brain.

I hate you.

Day 101

Day 101. More like room 101.  Isn't that where you put things you hate?

My life needs to go in room 101.

I am suffering with the Saturday blues today, on Sunday. I woke up with a cold, a headache a black cloud over me. I had arranged to meet up with a lady to walk our dogs. A possible new friend, but I've cancelled because I can't face it. I am my own worse enemy.

I've just stood in my kitchen crying like a total loser. I feel so alone today and as though he has left a huge hole in my life. He hasn't. He's a horrible pig and I'm better without him so I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm crying now.

Tomorrow a programme we watched is starting again. It ended on a huge cliffhanger. I've been counting the months until it started again and now it's here and I have no one to scream at the tv with. It's a just a tv programme and I'm making a huge deal out of it.

And I'm crying again. I need someone to give me a good slap around the face and tell me to get a grip. I bet he's not shed one single tear over me or what I'm going through.

As I stood in the kitchen crying I thought about reaching for the bread knife and adding to the pretty pattern on my arm. That is messed up, it's just not me and its a little scary to think that I could so easily do it.

I've been stressing about Christmas too. I can't face it. Waking up in a house by myself is just too depressing a thought. It's always the same routine. We go to my parents, sit in the same seats on the sofa, around the table. I am ashamed to face my family without him on Christmas day. It will be too obvious that he's not there and even though I don't want him there it will be too hard that he's not. That sounds like a mad person talking. 

I am thinking of staying away on Christmas day. I've looked into local charities and lots look for help on Christmas day with the homeless or elderly. I tried to bring it up with my parents yesterday but I couldn't. They won't understand.

I have a couple of months to tackle the subject. I need to concentrate on getting a grip now, nevermind then.

Day 100

100 whole days.

I feel as though today I should have woken up a new woman. 100 nights alone in bed at night. 100 times waking up alone. Surely that should be enough to shake this all off.

Alas not.

I have a plan of action going forward and two responses from him in one week is really positive. But it is Saturday!

Had a lovely few hours with my horses in the sunshine this morning. They really are the most amazing creatures and I am so lucky. I have to do everything I possibly can to keep them. They are such big hearted animals and it fills my heart to hear them call for me when they see me.

I took the 3 headed beast for a walk down the road this morning rather than on the moors. Wow what a mistake. I don't know how we didnt get hit by a car or arrested for causing a public nuisance! Not to be repeated any time soon. I'll take my chances with the boogeyman on Dartmoor!

So it's another exciting evening of channel hopping with interludes to the bare kitchen cupboards. I keep hoping the comfort food fairy will visit but the cupboards are still empty each time I open them!

Tomorrow a new person moves into the stable next to me. This will be the first new person I've met since being single and she doesn't know about him. It feels a bit odd. Everybody knows me, or knew me, as half of Gav and Sarah.

Now I'm just Sarah.

Day 99

Friday today. Everybody is rushing home to start their weekend. Getting ready to go out or making plans for the next 2 days.

I also rush home on Friday, same as every other day. I rush home to my barking dogs. I rush home to get to my horses. These things should make me happy. I choose to have the animals, I am prepared to do the work and struggle to find the money, but I really have nothing else.

He has replied to my email again. I should be happy. I almost have agreement in my favour. But instead I cried all the journey home and I sat in my car outside my house while my dogs were barking, just blubbing. I'm crying now.

The brief communication we have is so emotionless. He doesn't ask how I am, gives no indication that he's sorry or remorseful. It hurts. It will probably always hurt which is why I need to be rid of him and have no contact ever again. In a couple of weeks it would have been our seventh anniversary. Thats a long time, a proper grown up relationship. Not a fling for a few months. To know he can just wipe me from his life is so horrible.

I still maintain I'm now better without him. If he knocked on the door I wouldn't take him back, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me still. Rejection is a terrible thing.

So its Friday night and while lots of people are looking forwards to their night, I've fed my horses, walked my dogs, had something for dinner out of the freezer and I've bleached my tache!

Day 98

Today's blog post is about there being no blog post.

I have nothing to write about, nothing going on, nothing any different than any other day.

I am boring. I am bored.

Day 97

Yippee Woohoo Hurray!

I've had a reply to my email. He's alive...he's answered me.

Imagine my disappointment when he doesn't acknowledge any of the points I'd raised or suggestions I made. No mention of money or equity or percentages.

Simply....can we wait until after Christmas to put the house for sale?

Whaaaat? What is his malfunction? Seriously? I am at my wits end. It is worst than dealing with a child who could at least string a sentence together!

I replied too quickly without thinking.

Of course I'd love to stay in my house as long as possible. If he's willing to carry on paying then bring it on. But only if an agreement can be reached now about who gets what.

So I've emailed him again tonight with a counter proposal and giving him 2 days to reply or I go ahead with estate agents without his agreement and instruct a solicitor to boot! The estate agent I've chosen can market without his involvement, I just won't actually be able to  exchange contracts. I hope it doesn't come to that so will just overlook that minor problem for now.

What a complete bellend he is. He's calling all the shots still. I don't know or care what his ulterior motive is for delaying the house. But its still all about him. He has no shame. Thank god I've got myself together now but for all he knows I'm in the same state as when he last saw me 3 months ago and I'm surrounded by and being tortured by the sight of his stuff. Hes not considering me at all.

I want to go mad and smash all his precious shit. It's crap, a TV, clothes, tool box. But I better play nice, tiptoe round the eggshells so as not to upset the moron. The lying granny shagging twerp.

I'll wait until I manage to get a signed agreement and then me and his motorbike have an appointment with an angle grinder.

Day 96

Proper scary walk on the moors in pitch black tonight.

If I broke my leg in a hole or was attacked by the boogeyman, nobody would know apart from the dogs who would likely make a run for freedom if I was half dead on the floor.

Another reminder of being alone...alone....alone. As I type it I hear it like an echo...am I losing the plot now?

Went out for lunch today with 2 current and 1 former workmate. It was nice, I felt normal. Not on edge that someone might say something that would upset me. I laughed and joked and enjoyed myself. Got excited at work talking about our friends wedding next year. I'd love to wear the lovely dress I wore for my sisters wedding in Italy. It was 3 years and 3 stone ago. I have until September, I could do it. If only I'd stop thinking/eating about it. Would it be weird to wear the same dress I wore when I was with him? Would I feel funny? I'd look like a giant bright floral nightmare in central London I know that much. I got away with it in 30 degrees sunshine in Amalfi.

I hope come September the horrible little waste of space won't enter my mind! Although going solo to a wedding is bound to be peculiar.

No contact from him about the house...sigh!

Day 95

I'm back on the roller coaster today.

It's very hard to explain. I feel good mostly, to the point that I got this. I own it. Almost feel empowered that I can hold a conversation, look people in the eye, I am not a wreck anymore. I can do this.

Then out of nowhere I'm back down again. For no particular reason that I can see. No obvious trigger. I don't revert to the blubbering wreck but I suddenly feel very down and like it's all back on my shoulders.

I do not miss him. I do not want him back.  The strongest feeling I have for him now is contempt.  The sadness is the situation. The loss of what I thought I had. A companion. Someone always there. The first person I think to tell when there's some gossip like someone at work is pregnant, or the shitty texter is being shitty. That is the void I feel when my face slips.

I think I'm doing really well. 94 days ago I was sawing at my arm with a pair of scissors. Having thoughts of doing much worse to myself. Thank God I didn't do anything so stupid over somebody so worthless.

So I am on the up..but also a little on the down on occasion but I think that's probably ok.

On a positive note I did think some more about dieting....while eating a cinammon bun followed by pistachio nuts for lunch!

Day 94

Not alot to report today.

No drama, no tears.

I've spent most of the day watching TV with a brief interlude to visit the horses and walk the dogs.

Saw my neighbour, fully clothed this time. He asked how I was in myself and I was ok. I didn't cry I was absolutely fine.  On my return with the dogs I did some work to the front of the house before my afternoon viewing commenced. I didn't care if the other neighbours saw or asked me anything. Nobody did.

A "Save the Date" card arrived yesterday.  My former work colleague and friend is getting married next year. I didn't panic. I'm happy for her and I'm going to go...alone. I have until September next year to lose 10 stone in weight. While I've been thinking about how to do it I have worked my way through half a french stick, a big bag of crisps and a big plate of pasta followed by the extra I made for tomorrows lunch!

Day 93

Surprise surprise nobody came to help me with the water leak.

It was a farce on the telephone to the insurance people. They offered me a hotel for the night...lush thank you very much. Unfortunately don't think I'd have found anywhere that would take my 3 rowdy dogs.

So I've ended up making a formal complaint this morning. The lady I complained to also needs complaining about but I'll shelf that for now until I get really cross again and need to take it out on someone.

I did text him last night to let him know. He replied with a reminder about an emergency policy he'd bought to cover such incidents. Not the reply I was hoping for. I actually don't want him to be slightly helpful, I want him to be inconvenienced and guilt ridden.

So now I have to wait all day for this company to turn up. My poor horses must think I've abandoned them. I got up really early and did think of doing a stealth mission to the neighbours garden tap which I can see from my kitchen window. However I managed to mop the floor of the overnight gifts my old dogs left me with the remaining contents of my kettle and 2 small bottles of water from the fridge. The 3rd bottle went for tooth brushing and I have a 4th in reserve for my OCD hand washing. The dogs have a cm of water in their bowl.

In daylight I can see 2 big water marks on the ceiling and the wallpaper which is textured has a very strange smooth bit..as though the texture bit has been washed away. It could be worse but its just more hassle for me to deal with alone.

Alone alone alone. It's making me upset as I write this. I really was feeling so much better about things. Why do I have to be put back in my place and reminded that things are not ok. I am not ok.

On top of it all I can't stop thinking about washing my hands. I might have to carry out a daylight robbery from the neighbours tap. Or I suppose I could just ask!

Day 92

It never rains but it pours. Kick a girl while she's down.

I'm sure there are loads of other proverbs I could use in my current situation.

Have had the usual boring day at work, rush home to see to dogs and get up to stables to sort my horses out before dark. Step through the door, turned round to lock it and see a huge bubble in the wall. It is soaking wet. Seriously, are you kidding me? The wall is soaking wet, there's a wet patch in the ceiling and there's water dripping at some speed through the smoke detector onto my new flooring.

I could have cried. I mean WTF! 2 years I've lived here and nothing has gone wrong and the minute he's gone one car breaks down, the other needs to go the garage and there's water coming through the ceiling. It just doesn't seem fair. Is someone playing a really nasty joke on me?

I don't believe in God but someone is testing me. This is beyond ridiculous.

I work in insurance, I arranged the policy. Could I find the paperwork? Could I remember my password to get on the system to get a phone number? Of course not. I had to knock on my neighbours door to ask where the stopcock was in the house. He was literally wearing a towel and some shaving gel so there is silver lining...

I eventually found a number and made the call and now have to sit around waiting for someone to ring me. I absolutely guarantee nobody will ring. I will be without water all weekend. Tomorrow I will probably fall in the mud or a big pile of horse shit and won't be able to have a shower.

I'm thinking of texting him to tell him the boiler is leaking and water is coming through ceiling, ask him what time he'll be round to fix it, seeing as he seems to think he has such a claim to the place!

It's so bloody unfair. I must have been a real bitch in my past life to deserve this!

Day 91

And so it begins. The battle for the house and it's equity.

After 2 failed attempts to come to an agreement where he does not get 50% of my home, tonight I have sent a final offer failing which I will be seeking legal advice. He will be angry, won't accept it, and it will come down to an arrangement between Solicitors which will cost a fortune and use up all of any equity there may be in the house.

How has it come to this? The man I was going to spend my life with has become my arch enemy, the villain in my very low budget movie. I just hope he sees sense and it doesn't come to a legal fight as it will be all the more painful and I will harbour even more ill will towards him, which is not healthy for me and even more dangerous for him!!

I wish I had reacted differently on Day 1. When he was crying and telling me to scream at him or hit him I was uncharacteristically calm. I  went upstairs and got dressed, came back down and commenced my enquiries. Literally like I was at work in a meeting or interview. What I should have done is gone out to the shed with my bare arse on show, got a hammer and smashed the shit out of his ridiculous 55" HD 3D Smart TV followed by a trip out the front to the garage and a good go with the hammer on his motorbike. That is what I should have done. Acted like the highly strung argumentative fiery woman that I am in every other circumstance in my life, instead of the powerless victim that I let myself become that day.

It shames me that I begged him to stay. He told me he'd been having sex with another woman and I begged. How very sad and degrading.

I can feel myself getting hotter and hotter as I write this. I remember I have switched the heating on tonight. I am wound up and hot but the house is like sauna!

Time to calm down... and cool down.

Day 90

The numbers are creeping up. Day 90! Wow.

It's been uneventful. I dug out my ipod last night as decided I am now able to listen to music. I am no longer in mourning. I chose the wrong album apparently as I cried most of my 45 minute drive to work this morning.  Had a blast listening to old Madonna songs on the way home though! It felt good.

I realised today that I missed my nieces, ex nieces, birthday at the weekend. I'm not sure what the protocol is. I was Auntie in all incoming and outgoing birthday and christmas cards. I guess I'm now just Sarah? I text my (ex) sister in law to apologise for missing it, to explain it wasn't intentional. She didn't mind, asked how I was, if I'd heard from him etc. We exchanged a few messages back and forth and I was very relieved that she didn't give me any info on him. I really don't want to know!

This evening I had notification that someone on a dating site has messaged me. I had a look, no harm. Nice message about how he's honest, 2 kids, he's the same age as me, seems ok. Until the last bit where he admits he has suffered with Herpes and feels he needs to be honest and up front about it. Oh my god.

Is this what I have to look forwards to?

Day 90

I feel a bit unsettled today. I'm not sad or upset, just a little on edge. I guess it's to do with the house. It's not going to be long before it's for sale and the next stage of distress begins.

Tonight was the first night I had to walk the dogs in the absolute pitch black by myself, alone on Dartmoor. I wasn't scared but I felt really lonely. It was just another reminder. I got a bit teary.

I resent him so much. I hope wherever he is that he is unhappy. That seems very childish to see in writing but its true. I'm nothing if not honest.  Things have been popping into my head..things we talked about doing, things we did do, places we've been. It's all just so cruel and unfair. I hope he is really unhappy and alone. I hope grab a granny has realised that he is immature and boring and was a means to get her out of whatever shitty life she had. I hope he knows what a complete moron he is and that I despise him.

I've been watching First Dates on TV. I thought it would make me sad but I love it. It is scary though that there are so many young attractive single people. What chance does someone like me stand!

He is out there, I know he is. But he doesn't know where I live, how will he find me? Maybe I'll find him first.

Day 89

Early start today as had to see to my horses before work.  Me and the dogs set off in the pitch black at 6am. I would normally be a bit scared as it's a bit creepy at the stables in the dark but I was wearing my big girl pants and quite enjoyed it.

A dreary unchallenging day at work followed by another trip to the stables this evening.  As usual I stop off afterwards to walk the dogs and it's usually just about dark by the time I get to a good spot.  Tonight I parked up and got the dogs out of the car. They went mental. There was a body on the ground. It moved. It was doing something very strange. The dogs were furious.

It was a barefoot lady in flowery leggings and a white puffa jacket doing yoga at dusk on Dartmoor in 7degrees C. I guess it takes all sorts. I laughed out loud. My 17 year old toothless terriers wanted to kill. It really cheered me up. By the time we got back to the car she had turned into a glowing white torso waving around on the floor. It was really very strange.

It would have been nice to have somebody with me to share the joke but I managed to laugh anyway. God help any clowns that try and jump out at us. That seems to be the latest weirdness being reported on the news. People dressed as clowns wandering around scaring people. I say bring it on. After the initial shock it would be a pretty good excuse to beat the crap out of somebody.

Had a conversation with my parents tonight about my intentions to sell the house and how to go about splitting things with the unfaithful one. I feel a bit happier after speaking to them. There is a temptation to just give him what he wants to get it over and done with but I would regret it in the long run. I change my mind from one day to the next, so up and down.  My parents will look out for me to make sure I don't lose out for the sake of a less painful and hassle free transaction. I just want it over with but I really need to look out for number one.

4 months ago my life was so different. I could never imagine I would be preparing to do battle over money or looking for an affordable dump to live in by myself.  Life seems very cruel. I'm really trying to see the positives. A new start, my own person, my own decisions. But it's scary and still feels very recent and very sudden. I came across a few photos of him on my phone earlier. I thought I had deleted them all but the dogs were in them and I don't like to delete doggy pictures. I feel superstitious about it.  I felt nothing when I saw him.  I guess that is a good thing?

Day 88

It's a beautiful day today.

I wallowed briefly this morning but the whining dogs put stop to that.

I fed them, got dressed and headed out to the supermarket. Bought a cheap pair of trousers for work. Pleased to fit into them,  some good has come out of the horribe situation. I also bought enough snacks to ensure the trousers won't fit when I go to wear them. The downside to the situation! Food is not my friend!

I spent a couple of hours with the horses, doing some jobs I've been putting off. Was quite satisfying to get it done in the sunshine. No sign of the shitty texter so hopefully can avoid until next weekend. Did see the yard owner who mentioned she's been told I'm planning on leaving. I was caught unawares as I have only told 2 people what has been going on at home and my situation and didn't think there would be a snitch. I was wrong. Why cant people just mind their own business? Their lives must be very small if my complete despair and heartbreak is a good source for their gossip.

So I'm a bit low again. The curse of the dreaded weekend.

Am I being too sensitive? Probably.  And I looked on whatsapp for the first time in ages. He was on it at 10.30 on Friday night. I've sworn a few times on here but really I need to say it...

What a c*nt!!!

Day 87

True to form, Saturday started on a downer.

I couldn't sleep last night. Couldn't switch off. Not down to him, but the shitty text.  So I woke this morning with a headache and a bad mood. I spent hours numbing myself with TV.

I took the dogs to my favourite spot and apart from my shoulder being pulled out of the socket for most of the time, it was just what I needed. The lovely horses were happy to see me, or at least the pile of hay I gave them. No sign of the shitty texter or in fact anybody, so it was hassle free.

Thinking about it I haven't actually spoken to anyone but the dogs and horses since I left work yesterday. I don't seem to mind.

I cooked dinner..veggie spag bog. Very nice and a change from something from the freezer. It took hardly any time. I must make more of an effort but always think its too much hassle to cook for one. It doesn't have to be I guess.

I realised today that apart from writing this diary every day, I barely think of him now. It was quite a surprise. I really don't care where he is or what, or even who, he is doing. He's a creep. A complete loser.

If I could stay where I am now I would be happy. If I could stay in my house I would be happy to struggle alone with all the work the dogs and horses cause. It was always a chore, a rush. Better get it done quickly so can get home to cook dinner and watch TV. What a waste. I enjoy it now. It's tiring and hard work but I have noone to answer to. I can take my time, do what I like. I am happier here without him.

But I can't stay here. That is the problem. Still in limbo with the house sale. Need to come to some arrangement very soon, but that would involve communication!

Day 86

I had had a really good day. 

I was smiling, happy, had something to look forwards to. My best friend from school who I haven't sent for around 15 years messaged me this morning telling me to buy a concert ticket and go with her to see Bros. We were huge Bros fans when we were teenagers. Used to bunk of school ALL THE TIME, get on a train and go and hang around outside Luke Goss' house or go up to their studio n London. We were about 14! Anyway they're doing a concert in London and she asked me to go. I instantly said no, couldn't possibly, too far away, too many dogs, too many horses. All the usual excuses. Plus I've not seen her for years and frankly I don't go anywhere! Then I thought sod it! So I bought a ticket, it's not even with her so I'll be by myself in arena with thousands of other people. I was so excited and so proud to actually do something unexpected and random. Plus I have 10 months to psych myself up to actually go!

Then I get home and get shitty text from someone at the stables. Nothing wrong, or really even a big dealt, but its just knocked me back down again. I don't know why people think that they can walk over me.  That their wants or needs are more significant than mine and should take priority. I'm so sick of feeling second rate, that I don't fit in. It may well be all in my head but that doesn't make it any better.

Sometimes I really wish I could just tell so many people what I think of them. Your kid is ugly and annoying, you've got brown stained gap teeth, you're a stuck up cow, you are really not very clever, you bore me.  That would not really do me any favours in the popularity stakes.

I really try to be a decent person. I am honest and always bend over backwards to help. I just don't suffer fools and why should I? I don't know why these things make me unlikeable to the general population! Away from work I do not have one single proper friend. I am 41 years old... that is really sad. I am a nice person, it just seems nobody else knows.

Its Friday night. I'm at home alone, cold because I don't want to put the heating on because I've spent all my money on a concert ticket. And I've just realised I've got Gardeners World on the TV.

And tomorrow is Saturday! Not feeling very optimistic about tomorrows mood!

Day 85

Another successful day.

I had a meeting at work with a lady I've not seen for a while. She always asks after my animals and home life and I knew today would be no different. She asked me how my horses were and that was it. I think she was testing the water to see if it was safe as some time later she said she was sorry to hear etc. I didn't even flinch. I was so proud of myself. I didn't feel I needed to give any explanation about him cheating, I dealt with it like a grown up!

My company are having a website  redesign with staff bios. I had the proof version to check over today and they've airbrushed out the ring I wore on my wedding ring finger in place of my engagement ring. It's brilliant. I had made the suggestion as a joke but was genuinely surprised to see it gone. It didn't upset me, it made me laugh.

The car has been in the garage and although was expensive and I can't afford it, it seems to be fixed and is a huge relief.

All in all a good day. I know this is the calm before the storm. That I can't possibly be ok and over it. But for now I am feeling ok and I will take that, thank you very much!

Day 84

This evening I feel a little sad.

Not about him. He can sod off!

I would really like a friend. An actual flesh and blood person that I can call for a chat, meet for coffee, talk about stuff. If I'm not at work I am alone. The dogs don't count. 

Tonight I feel lonely but I'd much rather be here alone than be here watching that pig sitting in front of the tv in his pants with his stupid face glued to his phone. "Looking on EBay". Grabagranny.com more like.

Bastard.

Day 83

Another good day today.

Went for lunch with my friend from work and another friend I'd not seen for ages. Had to give the whole story. All the nitty gritty from Day 1. I had nervous butterflies and got a bit shaky while telling her, but I didn't cry. That is huge. I was really quite proud of myself. It's a massive milestone.

A friend I have met online is having a tough time. Not the same situation but Suddenly Single and very down. I've been giving him advice and words of encouragement, the way people did for me . It's funny how those people were right but I couldn't see it. I'm now passing my experiences on to someone else. I feel very bad for him. People are so very cruel. I am worried about him and keep thinking of the 5 self inflicted scars on my arm. I am reluctant to tell him what I did as I am so ashamed but I don't want him to do anything to hurt himself. I hope he will be ok.

Yesterday it was 12 weeks since he told me out of the blue that he didn't love me and was leaving me. That it was all my fault.

Tomorrow it will be 12 weeks since he told me about the affair. That he did love me and didn't want to leave. That he'd made a mistake, that I was the best thing to happen to him. That he wanted me and our life together.

12 weeks since I allowed him to stay. Since I asked for time to process it and try to deal with it.

Frankly, what a fucking mug!

Stupid desperate actions of an insecure idiot. I know that now. How could he take advantage of me like that? I think he realised his mistake, didn't want to move in with grab a granny, panicked and ran back to me. I wish I had been strong enough to react the way I always thought I would. I have no doubt he was expecting me to go mad and throw him out which would have been easier for him. He must have been as shocked as me!

Unlikely!

Day 82

No drama
No tears
No stress
Barely a thought spared for the lying cheating piece of dirt on the bottom of my shoe.

Day 81

I keep going over things in my head. Things that we've done or places we've been in the last year. Trying to remember if there were any any signs that I missed.

It's very confusing. He's not the brightest, I don't know how I didnt know. We tried out new sofas. We talked about new cars.  We did some decorating. All normal stuff. Why was he doing those things knowing what he was doing elsewhere? How could he? How did he keep a straight face and not have a breakdown with the stress?

These are the questions that now bother me. I don't care about the actual goings on any more. Ins and outs for want of a better phrase! It is the lies he told me. How he must have laughed behind my back.

For my 40th last year he booked a surprise trip to Paris. I didn't react well. I hate surprises. People doing things behind my back. Even if it is for a good reason. I hate hidden camera tv shows, people being pranked. Films where people are double crossed. Anything that involves deceit and making people look stupid. He knew that. And when I didnt like the "surprise" he was surprised.

So to do the most disgusting thing of all behind my back..he must have known how I would feel. Is that why we bought stuff for the garden together? A stupid hanging basket. Some fence panels. Insignificant stuff that he used to cover up the secret life.

I am so angry with him. I havent seen or spoken to him other than by text in what must be more than 2 months now. I havent screamed and shouted at him. I haven't got any answers. I don't know if I really want them. I just want to be hypnotised to remove the questions from my mind. When we went to the beach that time was he thinking of her? Was he feeling guilty?  When he went out to collect a takeaway instead if having it delivered was he phoning her? Why didn't I notice? He was no different that's why. The disgusting filthy pig excuse for a man thought only of himself and therefore had no shame or guilt and that's why I didn't notice. I'm even questioning Christmas presents from last year. Why? I need to stop.

If I'm honest hand on heart, apart from the absolute terror of not knowing where I'm going to live or what will happen to me and my animals, I'm happier without him.  I am lonely. I get upset. But it's not because of him. It's because of the situation, and I think its really important that I can recognise that.  I don't need him. I thought he was my soul mate. My true love,  made just for me. I was wrong. My soul mate wouldn't have done that. He's still out there and I hope one day I will meet him.

Day 80

Another big number, feels like another milestone. 80 days!

Its also Saturday. Didn't start too great. I woke with a headache and a tight chest. Dog was whining and wouldn't let me lay in. The late nights are taking a toll but I just can't sleep early like I used to.

Luckily the house is tidy still so a quick vacuum and mop is all that's needed for todays estate agent. It went ok. Valued differently from either of the other two so
is anybodys guess!

Spoke to my mum on the phone. Ended up getting upset when she asked me to decide exactly what it is that I want to do and find a way to do it. What I want most is to be able to keep my 2 horses.  I'm very upset just typing this. The thought of losing one of them, Percy, is too much.

Its such an expensive hobby. Why couldnt I have chosen card making or knitting!

We talked some more about how to approach him again about equity split. He isnt entitled to 50%. He put in zero when I put in £20,000 so my equity is alot more than he is. He won't understand...must be careful not to call him stupid. It's going to end up with solicitors which I was hoping to avoid purely for financial reasons.

I feel drained. It will be weeks now before an agreement is reached. Before I know it it will be Christmas and I'll be stuck in the house unable to go to works do and nobody will be buying houses. Then it will 2017. The year will start crap when I hoped it would be a fresh start.

It's all so negative. I'm so negative. I need to shake it off.