Day 362

I can't stop crying. I'm pathetic.

I've been fine all day. It's nothing to do with Gavin. Not directly anyway. It's ridiculous, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I was at work today standing at the printer watching this lady out the window in her car going backwards and forwards in a parking space. Her tiny bony sparrow like arms going hell for leather on the steering wheel. I was laughing to myself. Thinking I was going to go out and park the bloody car for her. Eventually satisfied with her  maneuvering she got out. And I just felt so sad. She was old and hunched up. She got her little handbag out of the backseat and her walking stick and suddenly my life just flashed before my eyes.

I am so afraid of being old, alone. I don't care about Gavin. He can fuck off. But I do care that my sense of security has gone.

I was fine the rest of the day and rhis evening. It was when I was driving back fron the stables that i remembered that lady and the flood gates opened. Proper scrunched face out loud crying. It won't stop. It's made worse by the fact that I got home and downed a bottle of cheap lager and now I feel drunk. Drunk, crying, lonely.

Fucking fell its like I'm 13 again.