Day 170. New Years Eve

The awful year has finally come to an end.

I still haven't had a reply to my text yesterday and I've considered sending another, but given how lonely I felt when he didn't reply yesterday, I'm going to try not to.

I never celebrate New Years Eve. This year is no different although I have bought myself a bottle of wine, some ice cream and am going to make my favourite dinner, macaroni cheese.

So this year has seen the arrival of my beautiful niece who terrified me at first but I now adore.

It has seen my fiance cheat on me, leave me, treat me like dirt. It almost destroyed me.

It has taken my beloved Ronnie dog from me.

But I have survived. I haven't done it alone. Kind friends, family, workmates and a cyber family have literally saved my life.

My hopes for 2017 are that I continue to grow stronger. I can be forgiven for the occasional blip! I have a house sale to go through and hopefully a house purchase all by myself. I want to try and see this as exciting and not as pant wetting scary.
I want to lose weight, ride my horses and stay positive.

Thank you to all the people that have read my thoughts and given me strength and advice. I wish you the best for the new year.

2016 you can fuck off.

2017 Look out I'm coming to get you!

Day 169

What is wrong with you?

You ring me after 11pm on Christmas Day. Upset, wanting to chat to me. Supposedly single and sad. I only answered the phone because I thought there might be something wrong as it was such a random time and day to ring me.

Ive spent the last 5 days going over and over things in my head. All because of that 5 minute conversation where you hung up on me.

You have no idea what it did to me. How I've been struggling ever since with confusion. I think you regret it all and you want to tell me. You've tried to talk to me a few times before now.

So I ummed and arrd for days whether to contact you or not. I have questions that I have no right to ask. They will change nothing except give me peace of mind. I thought I would give you the opportunity to say what I thought you wanted to say.

So I could stand it no longer and I text you today to ask what you had wanted to talk to me about. I expected you to reply saying "nothing, forget it". I didn't even get that.

I got nothing. No reply.

And so that is it.

I believe you love me but you are a coward and are not prepared to be honest with me. It makes no difference either way except that it would have been nice to feel a little less worthless. But you can't think of anyone other than yourself.
I am done with you. There are no more chances, no more opportunities to do the right thing and apologise to me.

I will always love you in a way Gavin but I will always hate you more.

Happy New Year!

Day 168

Inner turmoil continues. To contact him or not?

I'm resisting the urge so far. I know it would set me back. But he's on my mind constantly.

I think I should go to the start of this diary and remind myself what he did to me.

Day 167

Arrived at work this morning to a Christmas day email from him that he had sent to the wrong address. Wow he sure was desperate to get hold of me.

While I was at work he went to the house to collect his motorbike. He text again...to say thank you for leaving the garage open.

Too many texts. Too much contact

My head is a mess.

I'm running scenarios in my head. Messaging him to ask for more information.  Meeting him to walk the dogs. Inviting him over for New Years Eve.

I don't want to do any of those things but he has stirred it all up and it's eating away at me. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I'm starting to feel sorry for him, then I come to me senses and I'm angry, then pity again.

I have no work for a week now. Too much time to be alone with my thoughts. It's torture.

I felt so much stronger. It was a relief to believe he was living with her, that he really was the disgusting stranger that I thought of him as. Now I'm just confused and back to feeling upset and lonely.

I have questions that are driving me to distraction..

1. Who is the girl that witnessed his signature?
2. Has he had any contact with grab a granny since Day 1?
3. Does he not miss me at all?
4. Is life so much better now?
5. Does he want to come back?
6. Does he love me?
7. Why the fuck does he keep phoning me?

I must be strong and resist...

Day 166

I was looking forwards to today. After 2 days of festivities I couldn't wait to resume my position on the sofa with the dogs and the remote control.

But that's all been spoiled by thoughts of him. Constantly on my mind. All because he thought it was ok to contact me because he was down.

Now my head is all over the place. I believed he was living with grab a granny, it was closure. The final piece of the puzzle that meant I could I get on with my life.

Now I don't know, and it's driving me mad. I don't want to have a conversation with him, but I want to know who the girl is that witnessed his signature. She must be the slappers daughter, how can she not be? I didn't know her surname but this girls mother has the same first name. She lives in the town where the sordid Travel Lodge meetings were taking place. It's 100 miles away. He wouldnt2 know anyone else there. It's too much of a coincidence...it can't be one.

I'm so confused and resisting the urge to facebook investigate. It will hurt me and do me no good. I must resist.

I text him this morning in reply to his request to see the dogs. I simply said "yes at some point". He pretty much said the same to me when I asked him months ago if he would like to visit them. He didn't give a shit then, why should I now?

Tomorrow I have to work in the morning and while I'm out he's coming to collect his motorbike. I hope he doesn't try to get in the house as I haven't told him I've changed the locks. He doesn't live here, he doesn't need to know. I also hope he's long gone before I get home. He has just this minute text me to remind me to leave the garage unlocked so he can get his bike in the morning. No mention of the dogs or the phone call.

My heart is aching and I've been teary, it's no good hearing from him. It stirs it all up.

Day 165

Boxing Day. After last nights shock phone call and resultant upset I felt hungover this morning despite not drinking.

I trecked back to my parents shame faced that they all knew he had called and upset me and that they'd all had a drunken discussion about it the night before.

10 minutes after I arrived he text me again. There was no mention of the previous nights phone call, no apology for getting upset or calling me. He simply said " Can I see the dogs at some point".

Seriously...what the hell? Why is he asking me that? I asked him months ago if he could dog sit for me and he said no. He's collecting his motorbike in 2 days but didn't ask to see them then when we organised it. Is he asking because he thinks I want him to? After what I said last night it all feels a little strange. I didn't answer him back.

I had a little heart to heart with my mum. I was so upset when she told me that if I decided to have him back that, subject to me making certain rules to protect myself, she would welcome him back. That she genuinely loved him and feels very hurt. And that my step dad is very upset and has told her that he thought they had a good relationship and he now wonders if any if it was real. I brought this person into my family. I feel enormous guilt and shame that he has also cheated on them and betrayed their trust.

I don't know what he wants but I can't help him. Is he trying to tell me he wants to come back? If so I just wish he'd spit it out so I can tell him straight. Is he just messing with my head again to boost gis confidence?

Either way it's wrong.

Day 164. Christmas

Last night I went to my parents for dinner. While there I got a text from my ex's sister wishing me a Happy Christmas etc. It was thoughtful and kind of her. It took me off guard and I had a momentary stumble.

Today I woke up alone. No presents. Nobody. Just me and my 2 faithful dogs. I was absolutely fine. I spent a couple of hours in rain and fog seeing to my horses and walking the dogs. The rest of the day spent with my family. The dogs were so well behaved. In and out of the car in opposite shifts to my baby niece.

She made Christmas. I have dreaded today for months. But I didn't miss him at all. I barely thought of him other than to think what an idiot he is as he would love her so much and we had so much fun with the stupid snapchat face swap thing we played with all day.

I left at 11pm and 10 minutes later he text me and then emailed me, "are you awake?"

I couldn't believe it. I got through the whole day without being sad. I was actually happy. And he text me again, "can we chat?". I replied I was driving.

10 minutes from home he phoned me. I answered it. I had said I wouldn't if he ever called me again but I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didnt answer. He was sheepish. Asked if we could talk during the week. I said we were talking now, what did he want? He just wanted to talk to me. Right.. I've heard this before.

Turns out, supposedly, he's spent the day in a pub by himself. He isn't with grab a granny. Doesn't live with her. Hasn't been with her since he left me. He lives 20 minutes up the road in a rented room. I was so cross when he told me that I saw red. I told him his sister had been kinder to me than him. That she had contacted me to wish me well unlike him who was just feeling sorry for himself. And that I can't believe that all this time he's been a short drive away and he hasn't bothered to visit the dogs and now Ronnie is dead.

That was the nail in the coffin. My painfully cruel words did the intended and he hung up in tears. He didn't man up and apologise for not being there for me or for Ronnie. No. Because he was upset he hung up. Regardless of how I might feel.

I just cant believe I've been so strong today and he's been so selfish. I refuse to feel sorry for him.
A) I don't believe him
B) All his choices have led him to wherever he may be
C) He can fuck right off

Now I have to go to bed with tears in my eyes and doubt in my head.

Bastard.

Day 163

So it's Christmas Eve.

I've wrapped my presents. It felt very unnatural to sign the tags just from me. I had to pause on each one to make sure I didn't include his name on autopilot.

This evening I am going over to my parents for dinner. The poor dogs will have to stay in the car because of the baby. I can't leave them at home as the remaining old boy will bark and although I despise my neighbour I can't allow that to happen.

I am determined not to cry. I will not. I must not.  Not in front of them anyway. I expect I will most defibiteky and cry on the drive home.

It's just self pity. A change from the norm. Shame. 

I can do this.

Day 162

Boredom, only spoken to the lady on the till at the shop.

It's Christmas Eve tomorrow so I'll see my family for a few hours.

Can't get the bastard out of my head. I hope he chokes in his fucking turkey.

Day 161

So the Christmas holidays begin.

While all of my work colleagues are off enjoying drinks and dinner at the works Christmas party I'm home with the dogs eating crisps and watching TV.

I feel very sorry for myself. Which is stupid as I said at the beginning of the year that I was sick of the works do and wasn't going to go this year. I also said I was sick of going to my parents for Christmas day and we were going to stay home this year. I should be careful what I wish for.

I am sitting here alone in my PJs crying. I feel so pathetic and need to get a grip.

No work now until 3rd January except a morning in the office next week. Plenty of time for me to paint the ceiling stained after the water leak and make a start on packing my home up. What every girl dreams of doing Christmas.

Day 160

I'm tired. Really tired. My emotions are dragging me down. I'm fed up with being by myself all the time.

Tomorrow is my works christmas do. I can't go. I must come home and sit alone with the dogs like every other bloody night.

I'm suffering with extreme self pity today. I want to hide under the duvet and never come out.

I expect tomorrow I will be feeling totally different. It's like I have multiple personalities dependent on how tired/upset/stressed I am. 

I want to stop thinking about him. Need to be hypnotised or hit very hard on the head. I just want him gone. I don't want to be thinking about him being with her. If they're watching our tv programmes. If she's washing the clothes I bought him. Them Christmas shopping and decorating the tree. I don't care about it...why do I keep thinking of it and torturing myself. I hate him. I dont want him. I couldn't care less what he's doing but it keeps coming into my head.

I just want to delete him from my life. A few weeks and I can advertise the  house for sale and start making a serious effort to erase him.

Day 159

Day 200 is getting ever closer. This was the magic number I wanted to fast forward to so I would be mended and all would be right in my life.

How stupid of me. Although I am a far saner person with more control of my emotions I still live in a world of shit. I cannot see any great improvement landing in my lap in the next 41 days. So I wish it was day 366. One year and one day past the day the world ended for me.

14 July 2017 I'm coming for you and you better be good.

Day 158

I hate him so much I want to call him every name under the sun while I smash his stupid face in with a bat.

He text me this morning to ask how me and the animals are. Called them all by name. How are we doing without the dog I lost last week? I didn't see the message until he sent the second one asking me to leave the garage open for him one day so he can arrange for collection of his pissing motorbike.

So he didn't actually give a toss how we were doing he was just softening me up to ask about coming round. I replied that I was sad and missed the dog and yes ok he can collect the bike but what else is he taking and I'd leave it ready. This was at 10am. He replied at 6.30. He's not collecting anything  else. When I told him I'm emptying the garage over Christmas and New Year and if he wants anything to take it at the same time as his bike, his response was that I said I'd be amicable!

Amicable! I haven't set fire to his stuff is what I replied to him. How dare he. Has he forgotten what he's done? How does he have the nerve to even message me he should be grovelling. I really don't know him at all.  What a selfish pig.

And to top it all off in exchange for the dishwasher working yesterday, today I have mice in my utility room. Its external to the main house but I use it every day and now I'm wetting myself.

Why is this happening to me?

Day 157

As Sunday's go its not been too bad. I've really tried not to think about him but it seems to be all I can do at the moment.

It's hardly surprising seeing as it's Christmas next week and I am now pretty certain that he is with her, grab a granny.

I feel very down. Again, hardly surprising when you factor in the loss of my beloved little dog last weekend. I don't want my ex back, but it is still really hurting that he, anyone, would, could do this to me. At times I can't believe the situation I'm in. I wonder how did I get here, how did it happen? And then I remember it's because the short arsed balding bastard I chose to share my life with turned out and to be a sack of shit.

It is not my doing.

For what feels like months my dishwasher has been broken. A repair man felt like an unnecessary expense so I've been creating a leaning tower of dishes every few days. Today I thought I'd just give it a try.  I couldn't believe it. It was a praise the lord hands in the air hallelujah moment. It works. I was so overcome that something actually went right for me that I cried. I cried out loud, alot. I cried because the dishwasher works.

This is not normal.

Day 156

It's a very strange thought that and if my ex was to die, it is not beyond reason to think I might not be told.

We were together for years, engaged, but a complete stranger would be at his funeral mourning him. It makes me feel very strange.

These are the kind of things that plague my thoughts. I don't want to be thinking about him. About him being with somebody else. He doesn't deserve happiness, he's in the wrong. It is not right that I'm the innocent person but it's me that is suffering. How can he live with himself? I guess that's the difference between a good and a bad person. I could not lie to someone the way he has done. It makes me feel sick. I thought I knew everything about him. It's a horrible feeling.

Christmas is a week away. Then its a new year, new start. House will go on the market and I can start to make plans and look forward.

I'm scared but it has to be done.

Day 155

The day my fiance of 7 years told me he was having an affair he changed his phone number so that his slut/whore/granny couldn't contact him.

This means I can send messages to him on his old number and he doesn't actually get them. I'm a little ashamed to admit I've done this more than once. This week I messaged him to say I hope his fucking slut dies and that he's alone and miserable for the rest of his life.  Some might say this is weird or not healthy. I don't really care.

I have a couple of years worth of messages toing and froing to that number. What do you want for tea? What time you be home? Silly photos of the dogs. Just ordinary every day messages couples send to each other.  I've looked through them of course to see if I missed the signs over the previous year. Be late home from work, stuck in traffic. Nothing obvious. I really felt stupid for not knowing. How couldn't I? I must be thick. He'd rented a flat and organised a removal van. He had taken his passport, I didn't think he even knew where I kept it. How did I not know?

I've finally come to the realisation that I'm not thick. He's no mastermind capable of stealth. I just simply trusted him. I had no reason not to. I went from day to day trusting that we would always be together no matter what because we were made for each other.

That isn't stupidity. Thay makes me a decent human being. Sadly I don't think I will ever be in that position again.

I have zero interest in meeting anyone else. I suppose I will change my mind at some point but I am 41 now. Give myself a couple of years to "find myself" and I'll be mid 40's. I would never want to be with someone younger than me again which means people approaching or over 50.

Uh-huh! There's no way I'm going to embark on a relationship with someone my dad's age. Obviously my dad isn't 50 but...I cannot imagine myself with someone that age.

I think I shall be a smelly old lady that has a house full of dogs that scares the local children. There was one of them at the end of our road when I was a kid. I wonder if she used to be a nice person until some piece of shit damaged her?

Day 154

Nothing to report today.

No drama, tears. No contact.

Just the way I like it.

Day 153

I can't remember but I assume there was a time when there was no pain. Things were rubbish in our relationship for a long time. They have been terrible ever since.

I long for the time when I am pain free.

I miss my little dog. His silky little bony old mans head and noisy snoring. Pain.

I cried today thinking about the day I have to leave my house. Pain.

I have so much to be thankful for but I'm finding it hard to focus on it at the moment. Christmas is just a day. I spend nearly all the time I'm not at work by myself. I don't mind mostly. So what if I'll be on my own in the evening on Christmas day. Except now that I'm fairly certain that he's with/living with grab a granny I can be fairly confident he'll be having a nice Christmas.

Its not fair. Why should he? He should be miserable. Why should someone be able to do such a terrible thing and have no negative consequences. I want him to be miserable and lonely and feel regret for his disgusting actions.

I hate him.

Day 152

It feels like it's been months that I've been asking him to sign some legal paperwork about the house. In reality its probably only been one.

There was no response, then he had no address as he was living in a hotel, then he'd sent it but 2 weeks later it still hadn't arrived. Yesterday he said he'd sent it, today my solicitor emailed me to say it had arrived but he had signed it incorrectly. Fuck me how hard is it? Sign here.....

He has had his incorrect signature witnessed by a girl. A girl I've never heard of with a post code that looks suspiciously like it belongs to the same area where shag a granny lives. So of course I looked her up on Facebook. She's a young girl. Plastered in make up and straightened hair. I just know this is her daughter. But theres no photos of a toddler and nobody called Samantha on her friends list. Samantha aka home wrecking married granny slut.

But I will not be deterred. I Google the address. A business is registered there. I Google the business, look it up on Companies House website. And what do you know...the Company directors are a Samantha and her husband.

The dumb Bastard has hidden the fact he's with her, doesn't want me to know where he lives, but he gets his new stepdaughter to witness the paperwork that I have to countersign. I now not only know her surname, I know what she does for a living, where she does it from and it would pretty easy to get hold of her. I know that shes not 45, shes 46 and turns 47 in December. Probably just before Christmas which would fit with him having sex with her for the first time just before last Christmas. Pretty easy to guess what day that happened on now.

I felt the red mist descend.

This was all while I was at work. I was ranting, swearing. I felt my eyes start to sting and said I was going to the loo to cry. When I got there I looked in the mirror
I was scowling, gritting my teeth like a mad person. I wasn't upset. I was furious. The dirty lying bastard. How long did it take for him to go crawling back to her tail between his short fat legs? All this time he's obviously been with her, living with her?

I am extremely grateful that my bosses son was working in my office today. Although he did hear me declaring what I'm going to do with his stuff, and he may have heard me ranting about tracking them down and setting their house on fire while they slept, it did mean I couldn't spend hours tracking her down on Facebook. The truth is that I dont want to know what she looks.

She will be slimmer than me. Everyone is. That will hurt me.

The fact is, I don't care. She is 10 years older than him. She has a husband, 2 children, a grandchild, a business. She is a liar and a cheat. He is also a liar and a cheat. He has nothing. A few possessions and a motorbike which may or may not still be in one piece when he eventually collects it.  They are welcome to each other.

I haven't shed one tear. I care about being lied to very much. I don't care that they almost certainly live together.

This is a huge corner for me to turn. I guess all along I have felt that I still cared for him. That he'd got himself in this situation and probably didn't know how to deal with it. That deep down he wasn't really a bad person.

Well fuck that. He is now emotionally dead to me. And if I see him in person quite possibly physically too.

Roll on 2017.

Day 151

To say the last few days have been excruciatingly painful is putting it mildly.

Non dog lovers won't understand. It's not just an animal to me. To make a phone call to book an appointment for my "child" to die is heart wrenching. To have to wait 3 days for that appointment, carrying on as normal, looking in his little face. That is soul destroying.

But I managed it. I did the right thing and I did it without my partner at my side.

I told my ex as a courtesy. Because Ronnie deserved to be mourned and because he did love him in his own way. I did not tell him because I wanted him to comfort me. To share stories about him, be friends. And I definitely did not tell him so that I can offer him comfort.

With exhaustion and grief I went to bed at 9.30 last night. I was rudely awoken an hour later by a text from him.

Can we talk tomorrow please?

Is he joking. What on earth is there to talk about? Is he going to try and take the dog from me? Is he going to tell me his whore is pregnant. Is he seriously going to contact me again when I am in so much pain, and he must know it?

I couldn't get back to sleep. I spent the entire night awake overthinking, stressing. I got up at 5.15 and started my routine early. I had to text my boss at 7am to ask if I could have the afternoon off as I knew there was no way I would last the day let alone a 20 mile drive home in the dark.

Just as I pull into the carpark at work at 8am he phoned me. 8am! What the hell? Is he doing it on purpose? Is he seriously so selfish? I didn't answer the phone but text to ask him what he wanted.

Just to talk.

Just to fucking talk? There have been many occasions when I've wanted to talk. When I needed you. Like when I had to phone the vet. I needed to talk to you then. I needed you to share the burden and tell me it was the right thing to do.

I needed you to talk to me while I held my 17 year old dog while he died. I needed you to hold my hand and drive me home.

I fucking well do not need you now. When you feel sad and guilty and think I'm going to comfort you. I need you to fuck off.

But I just told him that I didnt want to talk to him and he promised to post the paperwork about the house back today.

Day 150

It's been a peculiar day.

The 2 headed beast and I went for a lovely walk to my favourite place with beautiful views. I took the 3 headed beast there a few weeks ago but the poorly pup was in his ruck sack.

The sun was shining, the view was great. Walking 2 dogs was much easier than 3. I had a cry.

My ex also text me. I messaged him last night as I thought he ought to know. He messaged me straight back. 3 or 4 times. Hes sorry, he misses them, am I ok. I didn't answer him. What's the point in engaging in a conversation when it's only to make him feel better. This morning he asked me if I was ok. Again I didnt reply.

I am ok. It feels odd. His twin is a little unsettled. He is sitting in his brothers bed as I type this. He is a bit senile so he's usually a bit confused anyway.

My family is shrinking. 5 months ago there were 5 of us. Now there's only 3.

Day 149

So I said goodbye to my 17 year dog today. He was a pain in the arse, annoying little shit with a big attitude.

I will never forget when I had just brought him home and my then boyfriend was teasing him and he went for him and bit his bum and was hanging off the back of his jeans. A tiny little terrier that would fit in one hand.

It was a horrible experience I will have to repeat. I held him, could feel his little heart with my hand and then within seconds I didn't. It was so fast which I am very grateful for. My parents had met me there so they could take him back to their little pet cemetary at home. I didn't go with him. I wouldn't have coped.

Bizarrely I stopped at the supermarket on my way home then spent the day watching tv. I waited until 5.30 to text my ex in case he was at work today and would be upset.

The other 2 dogs dont seem to have noticed yet, not even his twin. It is very sad. I miss him already.

Chase rabbits in the clouds Ronnie, I love you.

Day 148

I'm so very sad and spending as much time as I can with my little dog tonight so nothing else to say today.

Day 147

The guilt I feel is overwhelming. I know its the right thing to do but I just look at his little face and my heart breaks.

Of course the little fucker has perked up a bit tonight just to make me feel worse. It could be to do with the massive turkey breast and beef steaks I have in the oven for his last few meals.

Its so hard.

Day 146

Appointment at the vets has been made for Saturday morning.

My heart is broken at a whole different level. My eyes are swollen and bloodshot from crying.

I'm not going to tell him.

Day 145

Tears again today.

Nothing to do with him although I did have to contact him about legal paperwork that hasn't turned up yet. He answered me straight away, was cooperative. Said he'd print and post again. Funny, his printer is still here in my spare room. His "hotel" must have facilities!

Arsehole.

I'm upset as I've pretty much come to a decision about my little dog and I'm in pain about it. It's so hard. My family have lost so many pets but this is the first time I'm having to deal with it. And I'm alone. And I'm torn whether to tell him or not. He doesn't deserve the chance to say goodbye but I know he will be very upset even though he's not bothered to visit them for months. I have to think of me and it will not help me to have him messaging me, upset or otherwise. It feels very cruel.

Life is cruel. Just when you're down..here have another knife in the heart.

Day 144

Today's domestic drama revolved around the lack of light in the utility room.

Light is needed. To be able to use the screwdriver to turn on the broken tap and to be able to see where to reattach the tumbledryer door to. After much swearing by torchlight I managed to remove the fluorescent tube and starter, went to the wholesalers for new ones and Ta-dah! All sorted!

The rest of the day was spent Christmas shopping. Oh joy! It was busy, tiring and too bloody hot. Why on earth the shops turn their heating up so high I do not know. It did not make for a pleasant day out. On a positive note I didn't feel upset AT ALL about doing it by myself without him. Not for one second. Not when I walked past the mens gifts, not when I went for loners lunch for one and quite possibly sat at a table I'd sat at with him.

Fuck him. It's his loss.

Day 143

I can't stop thinking about it this weekend. I was up early. Sat outside B&Q for 45 minutes waiting for it to open so I can go and buy a power saw to cut some wood thats too big for the fire because the useless prick didn't do it.

There's Christmas decorations everywhere. People getting ready to go shopping for their friends and family. And I'm in my wellies waiting for a DIY shop to let me in.

I'm so angry. I feel such overwhelming hatred for him. And her. I want to hit him with a car. A shovel. Anything.

The dog is really not doing so well. Thats been upsetting me today. The stress is overwhelming.

Tomorrow I have a day off work to go and do Christmas shopping, the last thing I want to do. I've spent 2 presents worth of money on the saw and the piggy bank I started last January had £82.40 in it!

Bah humbug.

Day 142

The Saturday blues are back.

I was ok until I found myself in the middle of Dartmoor being dragged by 2 dogs with a disabled one in a rucksack on my back. Freezing cold with icy wind blowing a gale in my face. I just lost it. I was crying and screaming at the top of my voice like a complete freak. What the fuck am I doing?

At that point I felt so totally alone, desperate. A complete loser.

The wind blew away my tears. Nobody heard me. I just got back in the car and carried on with my day.

I've been ok since.

This evening, just to remind me that I mustn't feel too positive about things, the door fell off my tumbledryer.

So just to recap, since I last saw him and he walked out of the house on 27 July...

Car no 2 breaks down on Dartmoor
Headlights in car need changing
Tap in utility room breaks
Shower head breaks
All 3 dogs get flea infestation
Car no 1 breaks down on Dartmoor
Burst pipe/water pours through ceiling
Brakes on Car no 2 fail
Rear lights need replacing
Dishwasher breaks
Dog is poorly needs vets
Another dog is poorly cant afford vets
Engine coolant warning on car
Door falls off dishwasher

It's like a really bad joke. Nothing like that happened when we were together. When there were 2 salaries and 2 people to support eachother. I have coped.  It may sound like they are just minor things but when your world has collapsed they feel major. 

I hope that there isnt anything else. I really have no money. The dishwasher isn't fixed, I've pushed the tumbledryer door back on and its let me switch in on thankfully.  I will have to take the dog to the vets. My car still isn't right and it's making me anxious as I do so many miles a day but going back to the garage is not an option.

I hope I can make it to the end of the month without anything else happening!

Day 141

So todays original diary entry has disappeared into the either thanks to a technical fault.

I text him to ask when the motorbike is being collected.

He didn't answer me.

I got tearful thinking about Christmas and the shame I feel.

I hate him.

I settled for him because I lacked confidence.

I hate him again.

Bastard

Day 140

Who needs a man!

Today I topped up my engine cooling fluid!  Never heard if it, never knew it existed but the car has been beeping at me to do it. So I did.

I feel accomplished.

Baby steps.