Day 67

Sunday. Marginally better than Saturday's but still alot of hours clock watching alone until its time for bed.

I have loads to do. I need to empty the garage, sort through things. Separate them. But I'll be on show at the front of the house. I feel like they'll be curtain twitching. The absence of his van can't have gone unnoticed for the past 7 weeks. Then there's been a gardener, and I was painting the front wall yesterday. If it was my neighbour I'd be expecting a "For Sale" sign any day. It's so humiliating.

I want to get him out of my head at the weekends. I don't know how. I can only keep myself busy so much. I'm tired from being busy..and sick of my own company. I crave companionship.

Chatting to other people online I find it terrifying when they tell me they've been single for 2 years or 5 years. Is that going to be me? I can't face 5 years alone. I have barely managed 7 weeks.

Peoples advice is to find myself first and to a degree this is valid. What do I like to do? Well I know what we liked to do and I know I don't like doing it alone, so actually I don't know. How can I find out..I'm always alone. I can't find out if I like things because I don't want to try them by myself. The only way I would meet anyone would be horse or dog related and I always look like a sweaty tramp so that is highly unlikely.

I never imagined I would be in this situation. I was sorted for life. Not excited, but secure. How naive of me.

And just as I've got through the weekend relatively unscathed he texts me. I really wish I could tell him a few home truths. Be rid of him for good. The disgusting spineless excuse for a man. That's my sleepless night all queued up.