Day 57

The days are flying by. It has been 6 weeks since I've seen him. Thats a long time. 

I almost don't remember what he looks like. I have photos of course and yes I do know what he looks like. I mean...i forget what his physical presence was like. Is hard to explain in words.

Still no reply from him about plans for the house. I am just going to carry on as if he wasn't in the equation and worry later. For my sanity I can't wait any longer for him to make a decision or get back to me.

I feel so angry towards him. I can hold a conversation without crying now, mostly. But I really want to let rip at him. Tell him what I really think of him, but I want to get or see a reaction. Have some satisfaction from hurting him or offending him. But I wont get that. He just wouldn't reply, so what would be the point.

I sincerely hope he is suffering in some way. Not financially, I don't care about that either way. But emotionally. The person he used to be would be ashamed. It would be with him all the time. I don't know if this new lying cheat that has inhabited his body will have those same feelings.

I want him to have guilt and pain and misery. A fraction of how he's made me feel would do. I want to tell him I hate him. I want him to care that I hate him. That he's hurt my parents who have been better to him than his own family. That he broke their trust. They are disappointed and sad.

I want to watch his face screw up and his heart break as I ask him if his dad would have been proud of him.

But I couldn't actually do any of that because I do care about him still even though he is a disgusting selfish Bastard.