Day 66

Saturday.

While most people look forward to this day of the week I dread it.

Last night I took a herbal sleeping aid. My eye has been violently twitching for days as I've been so tired. I went to bed quite late as usual, woke a few times but this morning I feel ok. In fact I've gone back to bed for an hour after giving the dogs their breakfast.

Good old Facebook is shoving my old life in my face again. I blocked the memories for the past twelve months but 3 years ago we were in Italy for my sisters wedding and its delighting in reminding me with photos. We had the best time. It was stunning and we had such a good laugh. I wore a dress for the first time in god knows how long. I look healthy and happy and my hair was amazing. He looked smart in his suit. It was a really special trip.

How did I get here? I still can't quite believe that the person that I trusted most in the world is the person that has hurt me the most. Done the most terrible thing to me. The thing he swore he never would. That I was most confident I never had to worry about with him.

People are so cruel to each other. How will I ever be able to trust someone again when the most trustworthy person turns out to be a liar?

The scars on my arm haven't gone as I'd hoped. Another thing I never thought would happen. Taking scissors to my arm to deal with the pain. Now I'll have a physical reminder for the rest of my life. If anybody asks about them what do I say? They don't look like scratches from branches or similar as they are perfectly straight. They look like deep score marks from a pair of kitchen scissors. How could I have been so low?

I'm missing him today. Missing someone. Anyone. Is it him I miss, or just the security (what a joke) of having someone? If it's the latter then that makes me a little fickle. Talk of meeting a new man and wish lists are a million miles away from what I'm really feeling. Worthless, rejected, unwanted, disrespected, unattractive, foolish, gullible.

How I hate Saturday.