Day 79

No drama today.

Another boring day at work. Tomorrow is Saturday...I have an estate agent coming to give another valuation.

Hopefully that will keep me occupied although won't be particularly pleasant.

Must not cry must not cry must not cry

Day 78

I dreamt about him last night. He told me he loved me and we were going to work things out. It's left me feeling a little unsettled today.

Its because I was furious with him last night. He has replied to my message, finally, and after some bickering back and forth he has told me he wants 50% of the proceeds of the house sale. This is after he told me 2 weeks ago he isnt giving me any money towards repairs, carpet etc. and he hasn't lifted a finger. I saw red so have told him he can have 50% but he needs to reimburse me now and he can take over organising the sale and cleaning the house etc as I'm not doing it if he wants an equal share after he cheated on me. He didn't reply.

What I didn't tell him is that I'm going to change the lock on the front door and I'm not going to let him take anything from the house except his clothes and the bloody motorbike. I am livid..but won't tell him until after he's paid me this month!

He has control again. I cannot stand it I just want him gone. I hate him.

I want half. How dare he?

Well I want the last 7 years of my life back. I want a future where I'm able to trust someone. I want you to not have had sex with some whore in a travel lodge.

I don't get what I want so why should he.

Day 77

77...that feels high a number. Only one more than yesterday but feels more significant.

People are getting om with their lives. A "Delivery in time for Christmas" ad has been on TV.  A lovely friend has confided that she's pregnant, my niece is 6 months old. And I'm still single. Still waiting for him to answer an email. Still in limbo. Still in pain.

It's just dragging on. I can't stand it. Soon it will be Christmas. I don't want to wake up alone on Christmas day in our bed in our house.  Just the thought of it and I'm welling up. Perhaps just because I'll be alone and not necessarily because it's him that's not there. I don't know. I don't know if I don't love him anymore. I don't  like the idea that I could have fallen out of love after such a short time. It feels very shallow. I think my feelings of confusion, anger and resentment are overwhelming the original feelings I had for him so I really don't know.

It appears I don't know much.

Day 76

27 September

His 37th Birthday. I haven't sent him any Birthday wishes.

I hope he's had a crap day.

I have spent the whole day thinking about how it's his birthday.  I very much doubt he did the same for me. I bet he didnt know or care that on the morning of my birthday I wanted to die. I don't understand why I even care that it's his birthday. As the song goes, now he's just somebody that I used to know.

At least the age gap between him and grab a granny has lessened.

Day 75

What a surprise another rubbish day.

Long boring tiring. Text first thing to say he's trying to organise someone to collect the death machine. Motor bike! In other words he's not coming round to sort the garage like he said he would. How predictable. I didn't get upset. It didn't really impact my day like a usual early morning message would. Progress?

I have felt a little irritable and on edge all day and I think it's because tomorrow is his birthday. It is so unnatural for me not to tell him Happy Birthday. There's no card or present from the dogs. Something I would always do. I have decided not to acknowledge it's his birthday and I'm not going to send a message. But it's hard. I feel guilty. What is wrong with me!?

I have to get up at 5.30 in the morning to go and do the horses. The weather is awful so I left them in for the night. I'm back to not sleeping much so will be exhausted tomorrow.

No doubt there will be tears.

Of course I didn't get a response to my email or proposals about the house sale. I'll give him his birthday then I'll have to hassle him.

I really hope he feels a fraction of how I felt on my birthday. Unless grab a granny is in the picture he won't even get a card. If she is, well I guess I don't care what he'll be getting. An STD hopefully.

Day 74

Sunday.

Started off like a Saturday. But fed up, went back to bed after seeing to dogs. Emptied a load of stuff out of the garage and filled car no 2 to take to store at my parents. Decided to try get some of my furniture out to take photos to try and sell but the precious motorbike was in the way so I couldn't do what I wanted to. A2ent him a message explaining it was in the way and asking if he had any plabd2 to collect it in the near future or if he could come and organise the garage sobIvcan access things without damaging the bike. When he tried to fob me off I told him not to worry as I'm sure the bike would be repairable. Funny enough he immediately said he'd come round tomorrow and move it!

I fail to understand how he can drop everything for a piece of metal he's never even ridden but cannot find the time to see the dogs or help me with the house. What a loser.

I sent him an email thia afternoon askonf for his written confirmation on aome proposals I'm makinf with regard to equity split etc. He didn't bother to reply to the last one but I will hound him until I get a response. I'm not prepared to market the house without prior agreement on who gets what. I sent it hours ago. No reply. What ia wrong with him?

All all a bit if a meh day. This weekend last year we took one of the horses to a show. It was his birthday. It was nice.

Bastard. It's his birthday on Tuesday. I hope he gets not a single present as me and my parents are usually the only gift givers.

Bastard. Hope he's as miserable on his birthday as I was.

Day 73

Well I did contact him.

Sent him a couple of photos of new carpet last night and he didn't even reply. He is so rude. Somebody has cloned my (ex) boyfriend and implanted a really shit bad mannered personality.

I spent about 5 hours today cleaning and tidying the house. It looks great. It's never looked like this. The estate agent seemed genuinely enthusiastic and valued quite alot more than the last one did. Surprising what a few hours cleaning can accomplish! I was very brave. I didn't cry. It was in the back of my mind...don't cry don't cry don't cry.

The estate agent kept talking about the lovely area and how the house is so convenient and this and that. It was upsetting as I don't want to move. Nevertheless I was brave.

So subject to finalising fees and paperwork it'll be on the market and I'll be on the road to more heartache in the next couple of weeks.

Tomorrow I am taking the second car away to store at my parents. The number of missing vehicles will definitely be noticed. I don't know if the curtain twitchers saw the signwritten estate agents car but I just hope nobody asks me.

I end up telling people he had an affair as I don't want anybody to think the break was my fault as "he is such a nice guy". I want people to know that he is not a nice guy. He is a loser. But telling people is really humiliating and it upsets me. I wish I could just hide...forever.

Please lottery numbers come up!!

Day 72

Day off work. Carpet fitters are here. Improving my home for somebody else.

Trying not to think about it too much. It's just a house. Not had the happiest times here. The day he left he said he couldn't get our first day in the house out of his head. Stupid bloody pig.

When we bought the house as usual I had done all the work. Found a mortgage, did all the paperwork, arranged viewings, provided the deposit. On the day we completed on the sale I was stuck at work so he went to collect the keys. I assumed he would wait for me seeing as how it was the first home we'd bought together. It should be special. Something we should do together. No. He went round to the house by himself. I was so upset. We had a huge row. And 2 years later he uses that as part of his excuse. What an arse. He was in the wrong. Selfish.

Still, this is my home and I love it.

The new flooring looks really nice. Has made a huge difference. I've spent the afternoon cleaning and decluttering downstairs. Tomorrow I need to tackle upstairs in time for valuation at 3pm.  I'm knackered. It's hard work with 3 dogs under your feet.

I don't know if I should contact him. I want some acknowledgment from him that I've been doing stuff to the house that he should be doing. I feel like I should send a photo of the new floors. Ask for his address as I'm appointing an agent this week and they'll probably need his agreement. If I do that is he going to reply? Will he just give me the address..I doubt it. And there's a chance he's with her so it would confirm it and I dont want to know. Or he could be an arse and just ignore me as usual. Everything that involves him is just too difficult. I don't know what to do for the best. Maybe see agents first and then decide.

I wonder how long it will take to sell. Its not in the best condition and needs stuff doing to it still. We were the first to view when we bought and made an offer there and then. It just felt right. I hope somebody loves it like we instantly did.

I'm so tired of it all.

Day 71

A long boring day at work. Didn't spend much time thinking about him but a little time being angry.

Still no contact or thanks for the effort I've put in and it's really fueling the fire. I have another day off work tomorrow as the new carpet and lino is being fitted. All paid for and organised by me. I've spent time this evening cleaning and moving appliances ready for tomorrow. It's going  to look so much better. And it's not for me.

I'm so angry with him. Tomorrow I will need to entertain the carpet fitters and 3 dogs while trying to prepare the house for a valuation on Saturday. All by myself. All he has to worry about tomorrow is which drive-thru to stop at next.

I'm hoping being so busy this Saturday will mean a break from the usual meltdown. On Sunday I have to move the second car to my parents house to store off road as the MOT runs out tomorrow. Not sure if he's transferred ownership to me yet or not. He was "away" when I asked and I'm not reminding him. I hope he gets a fine.

I need to win the lottery. Something has to go my way...

Day 70

My phone buzzed first thing this morning again.

This time it was him..wanting to know if I was at home today. When I ask why he says do I mind if he stops by to visit the dogs if he has time. Yeh right! What a load of crap. More like he wants to collect his post and probably needs something from the house. I didnt bother answering.

I'm allowing him to have power over me again. Keep checking my phone to see if hes text. To say the painting Ive done looks good or thank me for having garden done. I am nervous that he's clearing the house out. I don't know him anymore. He may be capable of it.  He may not even be going round and I'm worrying about nothing. I expect he'll pop round to see the neighbour, Mr Niceguy that he is..everybodys  friend. As long as the neighbour doesn't tell me I don't care. I hope he falls down the stairs and breaks a leg. I certainly won't be helping him if he does.

So I'm home from work now. He's been round. His post is gone and I suspect his motorbike was started. I doubt very little time was spent with the dogs. At least they're all hear and it doesnt look like he's taken anything he shouldnt have. It would have been polite to text and me though.

The horrible little Bastard.

Day 69

My phone buzzed first thing this morning and my heart sank in case it was him. Thankfully it wasn't but it set the day off in the wrong direction.

I seem to be in a slump that I can't get out of. I guess it's the looming house issue. New flooring is being laid in 3 days and then I need to get on with appointing an estate agent. 3 days is not a very long time. I had put the whole house sale/nowhere to live issue to the back of my mind but it's rearing it's head now.

It will be such hard work to manage alone. I feel so much resentment. How dare he do this and then disappear and leave me, the innocent party, to deal with all the crap and heartache.

Today I said I wished he was dead. How have I become this person? 10 weeks ago I thought this would be the person  I would be retiring with,  who would be at my bedside when I was old and dying. In such a short time I'm hoping for his death. That's messed up. That's infidelity!

I have a silver locket that I used to wear every day. I kept a note from him in it and carried it around for over 6 years. A couple of months ago I put the necklace on in the morning and found the locket was open. I panicked. Where was the note? I was relieved to find it on the floor. I put it back in the locket and never wore it again incase I lost it as the clasp was broken.

I opened message today. I had no recollection of what the note said, only that it meant something and I always carried it.  I shouldn't have bothered.

Day 68

BoBit down today. No particular reason, just not my usual sparkling self...joke!

Contacted the phone company and got my mobile put into my name and my account.

Cried a bit when having to tell a new person avout the break up, especially when they asked the reason why. I'm ok 90% of the time but its just so humiliating to have to tell people. He's not having to deal with any of that.

I do still get upset but find that I'm getting more and more angry each day. I despise him. He is disgusting and I can't wait to be able to tell him. I wasnt to smash and burn his previous motor bike helmets that he's been collecting for God knows what. The rest of his clothes in the wardrobe might be making their way to the charity shop soon..I bought most of it anyway. Why shouldn't I?

Because I'm better than that. Better than him!  I hate him.

And I'm watching TV in my pants. This is what he has driven me to!

Day 67

Sunday. Marginally better than Saturday's but still alot of hours clock watching alone until its time for bed.

I have loads to do. I need to empty the garage, sort through things. Separate them. But I'll be on show at the front of the house. I feel like they'll be curtain twitching. The absence of his van can't have gone unnoticed for the past 7 weeks. Then there's been a gardener, and I was painting the front wall yesterday. If it was my neighbour I'd be expecting a "For Sale" sign any day. It's so humiliating.

I want to get him out of my head at the weekends. I don't know how. I can only keep myself busy so much. I'm tired from being busy..and sick of my own company. I crave companionship.

Chatting to other people online I find it terrifying when they tell me they've been single for 2 years or 5 years. Is that going to be me? I can't face 5 years alone. I have barely managed 7 weeks.

Peoples advice is to find myself first and to a degree this is valid. What do I like to do? Well I know what we liked to do and I know I don't like doing it alone, so actually I don't know. How can I find out..I'm always alone. I can't find out if I like things because I don't want to try them by myself. The only way I would meet anyone would be horse or dog related and I always look like a sweaty tramp so that is highly unlikely.

I never imagined I would be in this situation. I was sorted for life. Not excited, but secure. How naive of me.

And just as I've got through the weekend relatively unscathed he texts me. I really wish I could tell him a few home truths. Be rid of him for good. The disgusting spineless excuse for a man. That's my sleepless night all queued up.

Day 66

Saturday.

While most people look forward to this day of the week I dread it.

Last night I took a herbal sleeping aid. My eye has been violently twitching for days as I've been so tired. I went to bed quite late as usual, woke a few times but this morning I feel ok. In fact I've gone back to bed for an hour after giving the dogs their breakfast.

Good old Facebook is shoving my old life in my face again. I blocked the memories for the past twelve months but 3 years ago we were in Italy for my sisters wedding and its delighting in reminding me with photos. We had the best time. It was stunning and we had such a good laugh. I wore a dress for the first time in god knows how long. I look healthy and happy and my hair was amazing. He looked smart in his suit. It was a really special trip.

How did I get here? I still can't quite believe that the person that I trusted most in the world is the person that has hurt me the most. Done the most terrible thing to me. The thing he swore he never would. That I was most confident I never had to worry about with him.

People are so cruel to each other. How will I ever be able to trust someone again when the most trustworthy person turns out to be a liar?

The scars on my arm haven't gone as I'd hoped. Another thing I never thought would happen. Taking scissors to my arm to deal with the pain. Now I'll have a physical reminder for the rest of my life. If anybody asks about them what do I say? They don't look like scratches from branches or similar as they are perfectly straight. They look like deep score marks from a pair of kitchen scissors. How could I have been so low?

I'm missing him today. Missing someone. Anyone. Is it him I miss, or just the security (what a joke) of having someone? If it's the latter then that makes me a little fickle. Talk of meeting a new man and wish lists are a million miles away from what I'm really feeling. Worthless, rejected, unwanted, disrespected, unattractive, foolish, gullible.

How I hate Saturday.

Day 65

Friday today. Tomorrow is Saturday..worst day of the week for me.

I'm not looking forward to the weekend. Too many hours alone and possibility of not seeing or speaking to anyone from 5pm Friday until 9am Monday is just too depressing.

I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought "I'm going to waste". There is somebody out there looking for me and I'll never be found if I never go anywhere or do anything. It's so hard to do things by myself though. I can't get any oomph!

I'm assuming that I will meet someone else at some point. I hope so as the lonely weekends for the past 7 weeks have been bad enough let alone for life! I wonder what he'll be like. I'm by no means over Gavin and I likely never will be, but I think it's ok to get a little excited at the prospect of meeting someone even if the actual process may not be so easy.

I have a wish list...

Looks wise I don't really mind but I would quite like if he was tall. Over 6ft would be great. Having been overweight and a fraction taller than my most recent partner it would be nice to feel small(er).

Never to have cheated goes without saying.

Animal lover..my dogs do take some patience and horses are hard work.

Spider catcher.

Intelligent. Someone that will challenge me if I get a bit too big for my boots. Fed up being in charge, it would be nice to be looked after for a change and I can be quite bossy

Someone that likes to read. And can spell!

Financially independent.

Decent job. Professional or skilled.

Kind

Well it all sounds a little unrealistic so if I'm dreaming I'll also go for a landowning vegetarian that loves big girls with dark hair turning grey and a foul mouth that would love to start an animal sanctuary on said land.

Who knows...

Day 64

Massive Spider!

Day 63

Feeling a bit guilty as I have sold something without asking or telling him. It had been dumped here outdoors for 2 months getting wet and I was sick of seeing it. Now I don't have to.

Am not going to tell him unless he asks and even then I might tell him it had been stolen. Oh dear I'm laughing to myself like a crazy person. Crazy lonely middle aged single woman that stinks of dogs and horses!

Wonderful, that's cheered me up!

I've nearly finished decorating the kitchen which means I'll have to face the loft and/or garage. I've been putting it off. It will be hard mentally and physically!

Maybe the kitchen needs another coat.

Day 62

Busy day at work. Barely gave him a thought.

Then he finally replied to my most recent message this evening. Apparently he's "away". Lucky him, nice of him to have told me. As if I need to know where he is.

I ignored him.

Half an hour later he text asking how am I, the dogs and the horses. What a bloody cheek. He didn't answer my message when received yesterday. He never got back to me last week about the house.  I refuse to be a second thought.

I ignored him again. See how he likes it.

Feel really annoyed which I guess is a good thing.

Why did he have to say he's away? Is he doing it on purpose? Is he on holiday? With her? Away with work? Bored no doubrmt so he remembers we're alive and asks how we are?

Selfish pig.

Day 61

Good day today.

I text him about a car issue. He didn't reply.

I don't care.

Progress!

Day 60

Long. Boring. Uneventful.

September 11th. Lots of documentaries on TV about 9/11. I can't get enough of them. I watch them whenever theyre on. The most awful traumatic and harrowing things Ive ever seen on TV. I remember the day clearly. Being glued to SKY News after work. I'd never heard of The World Trade Centre. It still upsets me to watch now.

So there have been some tears today. But not for me and my problems which pale into insignificance compared to what those people in New York endured 16 years ago.

Day 59

Saturday. My nemesis.

Without fail I am miserable on Saturday.

Too much time on my hands to think. I should be decorating, sorting, packing. I'm not. I'm miserable and lonely. So lonely.

Day 58

I wasnt going to write anything today as I didnt feel I needed to, but actually some good news for a change.

I've had a nice day.

My sister is visiting my parents with her 5 month old baby and I met her for the first time. I don't really "do" children and certainly not babies, but she was lovely.

The day had been organised for a while. Booked off work to coincide with his day off so we could meet our niece. I was sad that he wasn't there as he would have loved her. He was meant to be my moral support..he would hold the scary baby and i could just smile. I managed and I enjoyed it. Its his loss, the bloody idiot. I sent him a photo to remind him what hes missing out on. Although as he couldn't dog sit hes probably with grab-a-granny and her grandchild tonight.

You know what...I don't care. It really is his loss!

Day 57

The days are flying by. It has been 6 weeks since I've seen him. Thats a long time. 

I almost don't remember what he looks like. I have photos of course and yes I do know what he looks like. I mean...i forget what his physical presence was like. Is hard to explain in words.

Still no reply from him about plans for the house. I am just going to carry on as if he wasn't in the equation and worry later. For my sanity I can't wait any longer for him to make a decision or get back to me.

I feel so angry towards him. I can hold a conversation without crying now, mostly. But I really want to let rip at him. Tell him what I really think of him, but I want to get or see a reaction. Have some satisfaction from hurting him or offending him. But I wont get that. He just wouldn't reply, so what would be the point.

I sincerely hope he is suffering in some way. Not financially, I don't care about that either way. But emotionally. The person he used to be would be ashamed. It would be with him all the time. I don't know if this new lying cheat that has inhabited his body will have those same feelings.

I want him to have guilt and pain and misery. A fraction of how he's made me feel would do. I want to tell him I hate him. I want him to care that I hate him. That he's hurt my parents who have been better to him than his own family. That he broke their trust. They are disappointed and sad.

I want to watch his face screw up and his heart break as I ask him if his dad would have been proud of him.

But I couldn't actually do any of that because I do care about him still even though he is a disgusting selfish Bastard.

Day 56

I'm more than a quarter of a way to day 200.

I said a while ago I wanted to fast forward to day 200 but at this point I can't see myself being in any better position or frame of mind.

I am so lonely and afraid of what the future holds for me.

I have nothing else to say today.

Day 55

Am so fed up being fed up.

Hes struggling for money. Cant pay towards doing house up for selling. Stringing me along again. Not committing to any decisions about the house.  Won't dog sit for me...he's busy.

Am so over it now I just want shot of the waste of space.

It's 11.30 pm now. I cant sleep. Mind is working overtime. Why can't he Dog sit for me. He's obviously seeing her or some other trollop. Good job we dont have kids. At least the dogs dont care if they see him or not. It would've been nice to have a night out though. Bastard.

I feel like such a loser. Should I have tried to fight for him more? Deep down I dont think so. The person worth fighting for doesn't exist anymore. There's a horrible nasty little liar in his place and I don't really want that.

So tired.

Day 54

It's been a long boring day at work by myself with no computers and nothing to do but think.

It's fatal..thinking. Self harming. Worse  than taking scissors to your arm sometimes.

I wrote an advert for one of my horses again and put it online. Nobody will answer it. I'm just going through the motions. Within 10 minutes I had contact from someone that used to ride him. She wants him..I kind of said ok. Then I panicked. I don't want him to go anywhere. He doesn't have to yet.  He can novr house with me. It could be a year before I have to make this decision. What am I doing? I'm so confused. I dont know what to do for the best.

I picked the new carpet today ready for it to be fitted in a couple of weeks. That was hard. Choosing alone. No second opinion. Just me. On my own.

The house is going to look so much better. I've been painting in the kitchen after work tonight. I've been enjoying it. Why didn't I do it a year ago. Before. The house would be nicer. We would have been happier. Maybe it wouldn't, have
happened.

I'm feeling so low again. Utterly useless and insignificant. Unwanted. Unloved. Single.

A single woman with a dent on her ring finger. Spinster.

Day 53

Puffy eyes
Headache
The shakes
Shopping without purse
Painting

Day 52

I really need someone to listen today. My world is just collapsing again.

I have been really pro house sale since I thought I had a safe place to move to where I could take my dogs and horses and afford it. It was not ideal but the best solution that would give me security and time to make decisions based on what I want and not what he is forcing on me.

Today I learn this would only be a temporary solution as this place is going to be sold next spring. That is some months off but means another move and no time to put myself in a better financial position.

I am devastated. I feel so alone and that the easiest thing would be for me to throw myself off a cliff. But I'm too much of a coward. I'm back to square one. Terrified what is going to happen me. I have nobody to rely on and I honestly wish that I would just die.

I have jusy got myself so worked up that I couldn't catch my breath and felt like I was going to pass out. Nobody would know. Nobody would miss me.

That is the saddest loneliest feeling. That and genuinely feeling you would be better off dying.

Day 51

I still need to do this afterall.

A couple of messages from him and I feel like I'm falling apart again.

We need to be in contact. One of the cars, the one that broke down, is due MOT, Insurance etc. this month. Its in his name.

He said again about renting the house. Said about dealing through solicitors, for all contact. That really hurt. I cried at work. I'm crying now. I just don't understand.

This hasnt been dragging on for years. I haven't done anything. He's only been gone 5 weeks. He doesnt want to talk to me. No contact. Who wouldnt be hurt by that? Him apparently.

Just as I start to feel better he has to knock me back down.

I'm back to feeling up and down again. How is he having this affect on on me? I was so angry, so sure I just wanted to be rid of him. Now I feel I want answers. Why did he do it, does he feel nothing for me, does he have no regrets? I'm back to torturing myself. It's so unhealthy. So painful. I do want this to be done and over with. I am trying to keep some dignity.

It's just so hard.

Day 50

Wow 50 days. How did I get here so quickly?

I started this diary as a coping mechanism. With nobody to talk to and listen to my pain, this was my outlet. I hoped that in time I would look back on my words and learn something from them.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions..up and down, tears and anger. I feel I have reached a plateau. I get it now. It has happened, is happening. I don't understand the how's or why's still but am now in acceptance. My emotions are still not stable but I have more of a grip on them.

I think if I continue with this I am in danger of causing myself more damage than good.

I now have nothing. No partner, soon no home, no friends, no life. Each day is the same. Monotonous. Repetitive. I will be committing my utter lack of life to paper, so to speak, and it might well make me feel worse.

Perhaps I will continue on an as and when basis. When I need to "talk" to someone. Or when there is something good. There is bound to be at some point, I hope!