Day 139

I've heard from him twice today.

8am he text to say he's posted some legal paperwork back to my solicitor.

I ignored him.

Then this afternoon another message asking when I'm going to be home so he can send round someone to collect his motorbike.

Assuming this wasn't a ruse to see when it's safe to let himself into the house I answered him back. If it, was well he'll be sorely disappointed as he can't get in! Despite my anxiety about the lock change it does feel quite good that I don't have to worry about it happening.

I dont know if it's genuine, the bike collection, or just more contact because I didn't respond this morning. It all just feels like a stupid game and I'm sick of playing it.

I am wondering if a bag of sugar in the bikes petrol tank might be a nice idea.

Day 138

Successful day today. No drama, no panic about the lock change.

It was good to be back at work, back to my routine.

Its freezing cold and I'm tired from my 5.30am start.

PJs Tea and bed

Day 137

I haven't heard from him. I was convinced he would contact me today and find out I've changed the locks.  I received a text earlier and my heart sank. But it wasnt him.

I don't know why I'm worried. He doesn't live here. He can't just walk in, or expect to be able to. He left 4 months ago. I think he's only been back twice. I don't know why I'm stressing out about it.

4 months. It feels like it should be longer. At the same time it feels like he was only just here.

What a confusing contradiction.

Dog seems a little happier today. Onwards and upwards.

Day 136

I've finally locked him out. He can't get in and take the dog. He is going to go mad.

I've wanted to change the front door lock for  so long that I should be really happy that its finally done but I'm so anxious about how he will react. With any luck luck I won't have any contact with him until the  house is sold. Knowing my luck he will want to come round this week.

I am so angry with him.  I keep remembering places we've been this year and the realisation that he was sleeping with someone else at the time. Lying to me the whole time. When we took the horsebox out to put petrol in it. He was so happy driving it. I took photos and posted on facebook, bought him an ice cream at the petrol station even though it was freezing.

When we took the dogs for a walk in the woods, went shopping for paint, when we went to the cinema in the midle of the day. Spent hours shooting monsters onnthe playstation. Lies lies and more lies. All lies. None of it was real. He must have been laughing at me. On Valentines day, on  Mother's day. Every day.

How was I so blind. I thought I was an intelligent person, a good judge of character. I am neither. I am blind and gullible. What an idiot.

I cannot imagine ever trusting again. i don't know how other people move on. I guess because I have nothibg else I am dwelling on it. I can't wait to move. I love my home and will be heartbroken to leave but it can't come soon enough.

Day 135

The days are just flying by.

Soon it will be day 200. The day I wanted to fast forward to so I wouldn't be feeling pain anymore.  I don't think 200 days will be enough.

As Saturday's go of late, it's been ok. Not been any drama or tears although there has been some overthinking and moping. But that's ok compared to the Saturdays I was experiencing 100 days ago.

Tomorrow the front door lock is being changed. I've wanted to do it for so long, it will be such a relief to feel secure. I know there will be backlash from it. It's me, my luck, how couldn't there be. The day after the locks are changed he'll probably ask if he can let himself in to get something. "Well no, you're locked out" isn't going to go down too well. I have to keep reminding myself..he had a whole other life, viewed a property with his mistress, he left me devastated. Almost killed me.

Tough fucking shit if he doesnt like it.

Day 134

I had the day off work today and first thing this morning he texts me.

Of course he does. On my day off. When I want to have a nice day I instead spend the day over thinking.

He text to say he was returning the solicitors paperwork in the next few days, so I should be pleased. I just hate any contact from him.

I managed to have an ok day in the end. Took woofer to the vets, waited 45 minutes for my appointment, but came away with some medicine and a nig bill so hopefully I'll see an improvement and it will be one less thing to stress about.

Saturday tomorrow, seeing my parents as it's stepdads birthday. Hes depressed as hes getting old. Join the club!

Day 133

Incident free day today. Not heard anything from him again. I'm trying to find someone to put a new lock on the front door so he can't take the dog and I can relax. Then I can put pressure on him to sort this out or I start smashing stuff.
 
I'm off work until Tuesday so hopefully I can sort it out while I'm off I have no more nervous drives home from work to see if the dog has gone.

Little dog is going to vets tomorrow. I'm thinking positive thoughts. If it works on him I'll have to be more positive about myself!

Day 132

I've kept it together today, feel more like myself.

Not heard from him and neither has the solicitor. I'm at my wits end with it all. I just want to get on with my life without him.

I'm going to change the locks on the front door.

I don't care if he doesn't like it. I'm sick of him calling the shots.

Bastard

Day 131

I have made it to lunchtime. There have been tears and excessive use of the C word in the office this morning.

Another email from the solicitor about having no response so I text him again. Got upset talking to a work friend about whether I should let him know that my old dog's not doing so good. If I should let him know, when the time comes, to say goodbye. My colleague said no, but I thought he would be upset and it would be the right thing to do.

Then he messages me. He can't give the solicitor his address as he doesnt have one, he's staying in a hotel. Can paperwork be done by email? He's staying in a hotel? What the actual fuck? My initial thought was that he's moved out of the area, working away perhaps. Then he messages again to say we need to talk about "the dog" and what he's going to take from the house. 

This of course escalates, with me being all nicey nicey musn't upset him although I'm dying inside. He wants an inventory, yes of course sir. You've fucked me over and destroyed my trust but by all means do a fucking inventory sir.  Just don't mention the dog again.

And then he does and I have to tell him straight, no. That is a step too far and she's staying with me. I have cried, I have the shakes. I'm back to stressing about changing the door locks. And he still hasn't signed the solicitors document.

I don't know how much more I can take. The whole point of this arrangement was so that we didn't have to have any contact with eachother. He'd get a call when he needed to sign the house sale papers and collect his things. I don't want him in my life anymore. I want him to be a distant stain on my past. Not in my present. I am so stressed out.

So I've gone to the kitchen at work where there's no phone signal and I'm hiding from him and his reply about the dog.

People that don't have animals won't understand. It's just a dog. But she's not. To me it would be like giving a child away. He hasn't seen her for months, he cannot seriously think he can just take her.

And if he's living in a hotel he couldn't have a dog? I now suspect he's living with her. That is why he won't give an address to the solicitor, in case I find out. I don't care, they're welcome to eachother. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now. It's just more lies. I could contact his sister, I'm almost positive she would tell me if she knew. But whats the point, I would just be more concerned that grab a granny was going to get her hands on my dog.

I hate him.

Day 130

The Saturday blues have been replaced by miserable Mondays. I have not had a great day.

When you decide to get a pet, a puppy, two puppies, you don't think of how it will feel when their short lives come to an end and you need to make a hard decision. I certainly didn't. 17 years later and I may be facing it now.

The past 7 years, building a relationship, was supposed to mean that I have somebody to support me, stand beside me while I consider making the hardest decision of my life. But here I am. Alone.

The dog in the trolley is not doing so good. He's going to the doctor on Friday to get checked out. I feel terrible. I'm afraid. He is struggling to walk, usually when we're out and it's raining. Tonight he was quite sprightly when he heard me rustling in the kitchen. But it's inevitable. This week, next month? At some point it will happen and because if somebody else's poor choices I will be facing it alone.

So I was sad today. I cried on my drive to work. I had an email from my solicitor to say she hasn't had a reply from him. So that added to my anxiety. Is he being a dick again? Is it revenge for the bloody money tin? So I cried on my way home from work, I cried when I got home and then I cried on my drive to and from the stables.

I am all cried out, for now.

If I do have to make a decision about my dog, should I tell him? Give him a chance to say goodbye? See him again? It's more than he deserves but it would be the right thing to do. For my conscience.

He is such a bastard arsehole he doesn't have a clue what I've been going through. I resent him so much I want to cause him physical pain. 

He better reply to my solicitor or the motorbike gets it!

Day 129

The twins turn 17 today. Two of my dogs that is. I wondered whether I should let their former dad know, remind him. Make him feel bad, miss them.

I didn't bother. It's his loss. They enriched his life more than he did theirs.

So as a birthday treat the old codger had his maiden voyage in the rucksack, aka doggie trolley. It was daylight so it was less conspicuous to have a dog on my back than in a trolley...luckily we didn't see anyone. It wasnt a huge success as his more able bodied brother was jumping up trying to get to his brother and tripping me in the process, and the giant beast was practically pulling me over. But we survived and all enjoyed themselves.

I keep remembering that I ought to be packing or clearing things out. I've gotten a little too comfortable here alone, doing my own thing. Reality is going to hit as soon as the house goes on the market in January, and that's not very far away. 

I just want it all to be over with so I can try and stop dwelling on all the negatives and try to look forwards. It's hard as I don't know where I'm going to end up. I like to be organised, have a plan, be in control. I've not been any of those things since Day 1 and I won't be until I have moved house and can delete his number.

I still can't believe that I've found myself in this situation. In an ordinary long term relationship. Going day to day in the normal routine. Then out of the blue my most trusted partner puts a knife in my heart and disappears off the face of the earth and I just don't see him again. How has this happened? Why? These are the things I want to stop dwelling on as now I have made myself cry.

Day 128

I've had a great day today.

I spent 7 hours at the stables with the horses. I had them clipped, tidied up, did jobs I'd been putting off for ages. It was freezing cold and my back is aching but I didn't think about him once.

It wasnt until I left for home that he crossed my mind. Is today the day he's been to the house without telling me? I really want to change the kocks for my peace of mind. Once he's signed the solicitors document I'll be straight on it.

So I'm home out of the cold. Showered, big knickers and comfy clothes. Content.

So long depressing Saturdays, please stay away.

Day 127

I've survived another week. Early starts, long days, a horrible emotional blip and a car catastrophe that I really can't afford.

Next to tackle is the weekend. I think I'm over the Saturday blues now so it should be a breeze. I didn't hear anything else from my solicitor so still trying not to over think things. It's very hard.

Christmas is doing my head in. It's everywhere. Again I'm trying not to over think. It's just a day, but with roast potatoes. That's what I'll carry on telling myself. Doesn't matter if I'm home alone for most of it. It's no different to every other day I'm not at work.

I will be fine.

Day 126

Today I won the lottery, well £10 on the post code lottery. And a cheque for £75 arrived as an apology from the insurance company for the water leak fiasco.

So some good news for a change!

I felt a little wobbly today when my solicitor emailed me to ask if I had a contact number for my ex. Why? What's going on? Has he contacted her, has he not? I'm trying not to read too much into it.

Rain, wind, thunder and lightning walking the dogs this eve so I gave the doggie trolley a miss!

Not too bad a day!

Day 125

Today my doggie trolley arrived. Yes....a doggie trolley.

One third of the 3 headed monster is finding it hard to walk nowadays.. He turns 17 in a few days and while his twin is physically fit but losing his hearing and marbles, he is suffering physically but eyes and ears seem ok.

It makes walkies very stressful!

So in an effort to help him I have bought him a little trolley that doubles as a rucksack so if he gets tired I can carry or pull him rather than have to cut short our walks. Oh the shame of it... I have for many years laughed at people with dogs in pushchairs. I am only planning to use it after dark as I don't want someone to take a picture of me secretly and come across it on Facebook...the fat childless tramp looking woman with a dog in a carry on suitcase! I myself have taken discrete pictures of a lady with a dog in a pram on the bus, bold as brass.

I am looking forwards to testing it out tonight.

This is what I am focusing on today. Not the draft document I received from my solicitor this morning. The document that makes legal our agreement about my home and distribution of money from the sale. It was inevitable, I've been waiting for it. Chasing it up as solicitors like to work at their own pace. But it was still a little shock to receive it. I don't feel sad as such. More...disappointed.

I bet if I went back to the start, Day 21, and read all the way through, I must sound like I have a personality disorder. Up/Down. Strong/Weak. Happy/Angry. That is how I have felt. I'm really trying to stay positive daily but have had a major blip this week. I have less sleep, eat less, stopped drinking coffee. I really stress less about things like getting home for the dogs or horses. It used to be a major cause of stress, for both of us. I'd do my 20 mile drive home from work not knowing if he was home or not as he wasn't answering his phone (too busy with shag a granny I now know). The dogs would be barking like nutters. Then I'd have to wait for him to get home before going for the horses so we'd be home really late and I'd have to cook dinner at 9.30pm.

Now its only me that's responsible. I don't stress as much. The dogs will be barking whether it takes me 45 minutes to get home or an hour. The horses are safe. I can take my time, I don't have to rush home to cook for anyone. Its up to me if I just have a packet of biscuits for my dinner or have a late night because I want to cook.

I am doing it all by myself. It is hard but honestly, it is better. At the moment. Tomorrow I may change my tune.

Day 124

I'm back to optimistic me today.

The meltdown/blip is behind me and I have learnt a lesson. Do not answer the phone if he rings!

There were weeks and weeks where I would have given up one of my vital organs just to hear from him but those days are long past. I cannot identify with the poor creature that started this diary 124 days ago. I feel ashamed that it was me, that I stooped so low to have these desperate feelings for someone who had already proven himself not to be worthy of my time let alone anything else.

But I guess I'm not the first person to act that way, there must be people all over the world having similar feelings as I did that first month. I feel terrible for them. I wish they could read this and realise it does get better. All the "time heals" comments that seem so completely ridiculous are actually true.

I have a way to go but for the rest of today at least I will continue to wear my positive persons hat.

Day 123. Part 2 - A Rant!

I am so unbelievably angry and cant believe he is being a twat over £70 cash when it is going to cost me around £10,000 to sell the house.

That's what I should have text him back. He needs reminding of this except I'm still tippy toeing around as he can let himself into my home whenever he likes.

Not sure I've mentioned before as I'm in the red mist, but I have a £7000 penalty on the mortgage because we signed up for a new 5 year mortgage ONE MONTH before he fucked off. That is 11 months after he started an affair. What a moron.

I had to take my car into a garage this morning as I almost hit cars in front of me on my drive to work as my brakes failed. I've got a quote of approximately £500. I can't believe it. It's just one thing after the other. I have £500 but it's put aside to pay towards my horses over the winter as he no longer even pays towards the mortgage and I don't want to ask my parents to help me, though they are fully prepared to. It is so shameful.

I am really scared about my future again. I can afford a small house in a shitty area but when the inevitable vets bill or broken car happens I won't be able to pay for it. I am 41 years old and have worked full time since I was 17 yet I feel I have nothing but bad decisions to show for it.

I am feeling so low again after a couple of weeks of being so positive. Nobody should have to feel like this.  I think all single people should live together. A commune. I don't mind not having a love interest but I do very much mind being alone.......

Well if the above is part 2 this must be part 3 of todays rollercoaster.

The garage were still working on my car at 5pm and panic started to set in. The dogs were waiting for me at home. I didn't know what I was going to get home to. Would he have been in the house. Was I going to be upset, angry? 45 minutes later I set off for home feeling sick. Got home 6.30. Before I went in I checked in the box where I'd left his mail and oh what a surprise. The twat hasn't even been round.

He is still continuing to lie to me. It was not about his post, it was 100% about his money tin. What a totally desperate loser. I don't know why I still believe a word that comes out of his lying mouth.

Will I ever learn?

Needless to say the self pitying has come to an abrupt end.

Day 123

I am so angry. And offended.

The Arsehole text me at 7.50am to ask if he could come to the house to collect his post. I told him I'd leave it outside as I don't want him going in because a) the house is a pig sty and I don't want him to be reminded that I'm a slob and b) I don't want him to see the dogs and be reminded that he wants one of them.

He then asked if I could leave a money tin out for him. Now we're getting to it. That's what he's really after, not a few bits of junk mail.

Last New Year I bought us both a money tin to put some cash aside for this Christmas seeing as how I never seem to have any money and always end up paying for his family presents. I thought it would be good if he actually had some cash he could give me towards it. We sold an Iphone and each put half the money in our respective tins, he maybe put a couple of tips from work in there etc.

I opened it last month. After he stopped paying for one of the horses I thought fuck it. There was approximately £70 in it. I can't exactly remember how much but it wasn't anything to get excited about.

So I text him back that the money was gone, that I'd put it towards fixing the car the first time I broke down. He had told me he'd pay for half the car repairs and then when I got it fixed he didn't send me any money. I didn't use it for this specifically, I just spent it on my everyday stuff. Dog food, petrol, hay for the horses, I can't remember.

His response... unbelievable. It's his money and he paid for tyres on my car. WTF.

My response...You had an affair, I win!

What an absolute prized prick.

With hindsight I now have lots of witty responses I could have sent to him but what I really should have sent is that it works out he paid me £10 per year.  How dare he? I'm so angry but now also worried that he's angry too and going to go into the house and take something. Of course I grabbed my money tin and it's now stashed in my car. It probably has even less in it than his, but that's not the point.

I better not tell him that I sold that thing he'd left out the front of the house a couple of months ago.

This is why I need to be having no contact with him. He's blowing hot and cold. Ringing me one day "to talk to me", then sending me petty texts about how he paid for my tyres. Isn't that something a man does for his partner? If I had known he was a lying cheating piece of shit I wouldn't have let him take my car to the garage. He offered. I couldn't give a toss about car tyres.

I gave my solicitor instructions 2 weeks ago to draw up a document for him to sign to the terms we've agreed on. It's still not been done! I had planned to change the locks on the house the second I got the signed paper in my hand and now I wish I hadn't waited.

He must be desperate for money and I cannot find any sympathy for him. He is the maker of his own downfall. The obvious solution would be for him to sell that motorbike sitting in my garage but of course he won't, he'd rather come to my home and disturb me looking for tidbits. Send me shitty texts.

Why doesn't he ask Grab a Granny for some money. His dirty little visits to the Travel Lodge probably cost him more per visit than what was in that fucking tin. Go to her for reimbursement, not me.

What a loser.

Day 122

I've had a great afternoon.

I've been out to lunch with my parents and visiting sister and niece. We met at the lovely pub I used to go for special occasions with the unfaithful one. I felt nothing. I was a little anxious before hand, in case I had a reaction, but I didn't.

The pub has a lovely garden with a lake and ducks and chickens and peacocks. We used to have many laughs at the funny feathered creatures before. It didn't bother me at all today.

I feel so happy. I put make up on,  did my hair. Felt like a human being for a change.

Watching my baby niece across the table I did give him a thought....You idiot. You would have loved her.

It's his loss and although it does still hurt and I get upset sometimes I am most definitely coming out the other side.

Day 121

Why did he have to phone me?

I was pretty much at the point where I felt nothing for him, other than regret for the wasted years. Now I'm reliving it all. Day 1 going over and over in my head and I feel hatred for him again.

He was such a lying pig. Even when he wanted to stay and was coming clean he was still lying. I remember asking him questions. Calmly, surreally. I asked if they'd talked about moving in together and he said "there is a house there if  we want it". I didn't know what this meant, I was confused. I assumed a relative had a house they could move into or something, It wasn't until later when it was agreed he could stay and he went out to to make calls to cancel his flat and removal van. When he got home he said he'd "rung that woman to tell her he wouldn't be paying anything for the house". Again I was confused. He meant the new landlady surely. I asked him what lady? And he meant her..the whore.  I was so shocked that he'd actually had the nerve to phone her when he was putting me through this that it didn't really register that in fact they must have actually rented a place and he was meant to pay towards it until his 4 month flat rental was up.

I had also asked him if they'd talked about kids and "it had come up". I mean WTF. I asked I she had kids, and she did. Had he met them? One of them? An 18 year old daughter that had a toddler. She'd come to collect the kid while grab a granny and presumably my fiancé were babysitting. I was gobsmacked. So the daughter knows about you? I asked. I mean, this woman is married. Having an affair. The daughter knows about it? He laughed "she does now", as though it was a joke and I was his mate and not his life partner.

I mean, what a piece of shit. Typing this now I fail to understand why I have allowed this disgusting excuse for a human being to hurt me, continue to hurt me. He doesn't deserve the energy I'm spending typing this, let alone my tears and most definitely not my thoughts of ending my life!

I didn't get to see my sister and niece today, time ran out.

Tomorrow I'm meeting them all at a pub for lunch. "Our" pub where we'd go for birthday lunch or mothers day etc. It's where we met my parents the day before any of this happened.  I thought  I would never be able to go there again as it would hurt. But fuck him. I have zero happy memories of  my time with him. They have all been tainted so I'm going to drive there tomorrow with my head held high and walk in just like anyone else walking into any other pub.

Day 120

I slept for 10 hours last night. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

I feel back on track today, stronger again. Work has been boring, my horses survived their abandonment last night and tomorrow I will see my visiting sister and baby niece.

All is good.

Day 119

After the early starts this week and last nights tears I am absolutely shattered today.

I am mostly ok but tiredness is magnifying my emotions and more than likely I'm feeling things that I really needent.

I don't feel safe driving this evening so my poor horses aren't having a visit tonight.

Dinner, hot water bottle, bed.

Day 118

I've just got in, sat down and my phone rang.

It was him again. Mistake..I answered it. He says "sorry for ringing you" so I asked him what he wants. "Just to talk to me, am I in bed?"

Oh my fucking god is he serious?

In bed? I've just got home. I asked him what he wants to talk about, assuming he's going to tell me he's coming to take things away or cut off the internet. But no..he actually wants to chat. Wants to know how I am. The dogs and the horses. If I'm ok, if everything is alright.  I said yes, everything is great. He apologised for ringing and we hung up.

And now I'm in floods of tears. I know I will be ok tomorrow. Probably in half an hour, but at this very moment I am taken back 118 days and I feel heartbroken. I know his voice so well. It was a shock to hear it so clearly. It sounded just like my old Gav and not the evil bastard I have conjured up in my mind.

I'm so upset. I should text him and tell him not to contact me again but I won't. Because I'm a fraud. I'm clearly not ok.  I  have snot bubbles blowing out my nose and my ears are all blocked from crying.

Why does he have this power over me? I hope it is just the shock of hearing him that has caused this reaction.

Is he unhappy? Is that why he's rung..twice now? Or is it his guilt..he's trying to make himself feel better?

How has he forgotten in the space of 3 months that I would be busy with the horses. Why would I be in bed?

I was doing so well....

Day 117

My optimistic mood seems to have failed me today.

I shouted at the Managing Director at work and I was absolutely petrified doing the horses tonight.

Now I'm dreading tomorrow and probably not going to sleep which will not help my frame of mind in the morning.

I suppose I had a good run. 4 days without feeling like an absolute loser and failure. I need to pick myself up again.

Chin up, tits out...as they say!

Day 116

Had a really early start this morning. Alarm went off at 5.30, it was really cold and the car windscreen was frozen.

Not the ideal start to a Monday.

I'm really trying to keep positive. Getting up early, being alone in the dark on the moors, being cold and tired looking after my animals. It's a choice. I have chosen to do it. Nobody is forcing me. I choose to keep my horses and manage them alone. I must stop seeing it as a chore or a punishment. The alternative, not having them, is far far worse.

So my alarm is set for 5.30 again tomorrow and there's a towel on my windscreen to keep a clear patch.

I can do this.

When I got back this evening I had a serious panic as I couldn't find my door keys. I emptied my enormous handbag of my collection of tissues, pen lids and receipts. I turned the car upside down. After 10 minutes I was nearing a breakdown. Thinking I would have to either phone him to get his key or sit in the cold waiting for a locksmith I couldn't afford.

I just thought I'd check the front door..and sure enough there they were. I was so relieved and so annoyed with myself. Luckily I didn't have to ring him for help and be upset when I didn't get any. Luckily I didn't get burgled!

So I have now stashed a key somewhere and hope I can remember if I ever need it!

So disaster averted, let's see what tomorrow brings.

Day 115

I am 100% ok today.

I can't believe I've gone a whole weekend without once feeling really low and upset.

This week I have to start getting up really early to see to my horses before work so come next weekend I'll be exhausted and probably not quite so perky or optimistic.

I haven't done any packing or sorting in the house. I can't be bothered. I'm being really lazy and just ignoring this mammoth task ahead of me. I'm using the excuse that I can't get in to sort out the garage as the arseholes motorbike is in there. I could manage if I really tried. The loft is another story...I've never been up there. I'm scared of the ladder and if I get stuck up there I'd be screwed..no-one would know.

So I won't take any unnecessary risks and will stay safely in front of the TV.

Day 114

Yay It's Saturday and I'm not depressed. I've barely even thought about "being alone".

This is huge. I feel good. Quite happy, optimistic.  Its unlikely to last but will enjoy it while I can.

It's freezing cold again. Fireworks are exploding all over the place. Thankfully my old dogs are quite deaf so it's not so much of an issue nowadays. My horses are safely in their stables and hopefully not frightened.

We never went to a bonfire night fireworks display because we could never leave the dogs.  Something else I can do with a new partner in the future if I'm lucky.

I don't feel miserable so I have nothing else to say.

Day 113. Anniversary Day

I woke up and immediately thought about texting him with something witty that would make him confess his love and regret.

Alas I couldn't think of anything.

After some advice from some cyber friends I decided not to bother. I would have spent the day checking my phone and would only have been disappointed when I didn't get the reaction I wanted, or even a reply!

And actually I'm fine. Not sad at all, not really bothered. Facebook showed me a memory from 3 years ago. A post I'd made joking about lack of romance as we were in different rooms watching different TV progs on our 4th anniversary. Says it all really. The rose tinted goggles are off now that I'm feeling stronger about things.

It's fireworks night tomorrow. Perfect weather for it. Cold and clear. Was lovely sky and beautiful moon tonight. I actually thought I might take a garden chair up to the moor one night and wrap up in a blanket with the dogs and just star gaze. It's so beautiful sometimes.

On second thoughts its freezing and bloody scary so maybe something to consider if I'm lucky enough to meet someone new in the future.

Am not dreading tomorrow, Saturday. The day of the week I usually feel sad and lonely. I'm looking forwards to spending time with my horses and doing my own thing.

Who is this positive person and what have you done with Mrs Moany?

Day 112

I got my first dick pic today.

Not from someone on a dating app but someone random that follows me on twitter.

I got a message..How old are you? Looking for an older woman. Love a fat arse.

Now I know its been a while but surely chat up lines can't have changed that much. Despite the fact I seem to fit this individuals criteria I politely declined.

And then came the dick pic.

I mean really? So I told him I was embarassed for him and blocked him.

All afternoon I've been at work thinking that there's a stranger's penis on my phone. What if my boss knocks my bag and my phone falls out and opens to that exact page?

So tomorrow is the next milestone. Our anniversary. I cant think if anything clever to text him so may just call him an Arsehole. Maybe I could forward the dick pic...that would confuse him. I'm not planning to be down. I don't want to feel sad that we're not together tomorrow, I want to feel grateful that I didn't waste any more years. Not sure it will go to plan.

Day 111

I'm trying to think of something witty and cutting to text to him on Friday. What would have been our 7th anniversary.

It needs to be clever, cutting. I want him to feel something. I don't care what just something. Regret, sadness, itritation even.  I've had no indication of any emotion from him for around 100 days.  And that's fine, but I'm angry now and want him to know that I think he's an idiot without actually telling him he's an idiot. I want him to feel.

How dare he have done this to me. For 6 years and 9 months I put up with his short legs, little dick, thinning hair, pea brain and childish mentality. I fed him, washed his clothes paid for most things, and he does this to me? He hasn't ruined my life, I won't let him, but he has wasted a really big chunk of it. I genuinely believed we were both in it for keeps and that is why I accepted the little things that weren't so great. No passion or romance, barely any spark. But I was glad to exchange that for security, a companion. Someone that knows everything about me and will always be there.

If only I had known the little bastard was a fraud I wouldn't have put up with such a stale relationship for that amount of time.

I am angry. I must find the right words to send him on Friday.

Day 110

It's been a good day today.

I laughed until I cried at work. Unfortunately I had someone on the phone waiting to talk to me. I had to cut them off I was hysterical.

Apparently my friend had a swarm of STI carrying ladybirds at her house a few days ago. I googled it, it's a real thing. I was in hysterics. It felt so good to laugh.

The car worked fine, I didn't get attacked by the boogeyman or a murderer which in the current scheme of things is a result!