Day 269

I feel surprisingly upbeat today. Not sure why, I'm usually exhausted come Friday night. Perhaps the few days of being miserable this week has got it out of my system. I didn't even leave work on time as I had to sort out a crisis but even half an hour in the office alone after everyone had left hasn't dampened my spirits.

I received a wedding invite in todays post. I knew it was coming and I'm so honoured to be invited as I've not seen her for a couple of years and never met her fiance. It's the wedding in London that was on my New Years to do list.  I'm 99% sure I won't be able to go. A hotel will cost £200 plus there's the train fair. And as for my dogs, what on earth would I do with them? I'm really disappointed as I just feel it's another negative I'm allowing him to be the cause of. Perhaps I'll explain my situation and make a last minute decision and that I'll take a packed lunch if I go so they dont have to include me in their numbers? Seems a bit sad and pathetic but not sure what other options I have at this point.

Tomorrow I'm going to do some painting in the bathroom and try and research some other estate agents as I am released from my contract at the end if this month . I feel a new agent, new photos, new start may be just the ticket.

Day 268

Fed up. Bored. Feing really lonely.

I can't be bothered

Day 267

I felt a million times better this morning after going to bed at 9pm last night.

Until I got a text from him on my drive to
work. He wants to arrange to come round to collect his things soon. I said fine but has to be a Sunday. Shame if it makes it awkward for him as he has to hire a man and van! I'm not wasting my Saturdays for him so it's tough shit.  Then he asked how are the animals. He named them all. It really annoyed me. I replied..fine. And that was it. He doesn't really care how they are, he only asked because he wanted something. That is what upset me. Not hearing from him as such, although I really would rather not, but his disregard for the animals who were essentially his children for 7 years.

I was busy at work. I spent the day alone in an office with my head down doing manager stuff and it was good. I didn't have to lose my patience or get irritated by any idiots. I didn't think of him or his text once. Until I went back to my own desk at home time and saw my screensaver of the dogs.

As I got in the car to drive home I caught a glimpse of the doggy trolley that I was carting Ronnie around in before he died. It's still in the back seat.  And that was it..the flood gates opened. Hearing from him dredges up all sorts of resentments and emotions. I'm so hurt by losing my dog. I hate him for not being there as my partner or otherwise. My lasting memory of Ronnie will be me holding him in the car park at the vets. His tiny bony body cradled in my arms and his silky little head tucked between my shoulder and my double chins. Feeling his heart stop and his head flop is the worst experience of my life and I resent that he hasn't had to experience it. I won't ever forget it and it's torturing me. Each morning when my computer wakes up at work my heart sinks when I see his face on the screen. It feels like a betrayal but I'm going to have to change the screensaver.

So I cried all the way home. I'm crying as I type this.

Every day is like groundhog day at the moment. I need a break from the norm..a chance to get my head back on straight. I was feeling so much more positive. I just need to sell the bloody house

Day 266

Another morning. Another migraine.

Self inflicted this time as I've not been going to bed early enough the last few nights.  I struggled through work but perked up late afternoon.

I cried as soon as I got home. Exhaustion. Stress. As soon as I park outside my house I can hear my dogs barking. It's so stressful and must seriously piss the neighbours off. Then the old boy is just whining all the time for no reason. I can't go upstairs for 5 minutes without him crying. I feel suffocated and close to the edge.

So I shout at the dogs. Then I feel guilty. I have a photo of them as my screensaver at work. Everyday I torture myself seeing little Ronnies face. I miss him.  I'm terrified of losing the next one. I'm also terrified I'm going to strangle him.

I've been clearing out photos from my phone onto a hard drive where I've found all the photos from the 7 years I spent with my lying cheating ex fiance. I feel nothing looking at them other than disgust.  What a waste.

My eyes are fighting me to close but its still daylight and I feel bad putting the dogs to bed so early. I really need a break from my life.

Day 265

Wow 100 days until its been a year. That seems unreal. My life is so different now.

The 4.30 alarm call is wearing thin. Not much longer to go until the horses are turned out 24/7 for summer so I won't have to get up with the bin men!

I've had no patience with anyone today. I feel really itchy and unsettled. Not sure what thats about. I actually do have funny skin at the moment, probably need something from the doctors but true to form I'm ignoring it.

9pm and I really need to go to bed.

Day 264

Good day today.

The weather has been amazing. I took the dogs to my favourite place on the moor for a walk. The view in the sunshine was beautiful and I was annoyed I didn't take my phone to get a photo. We met other dogs and it was all good, no dramas. Good pooches!

This afternoon I tackled the twats wardrobe. I thought I would feel satisfaction from finally bagging up all his clothes but it actually made me really angry. I was furious and got sweaty and my heart was pounding. No tears though. I chucked 5 bin bags of his stuff into the garage where I also came across a piece of his motorbike..it looked like a wheel arch or whatever the motorbike version of one is. It's now in the wheelie bin which did give me enormous satisfaction.

I also checked the post box and lo and behold..more stuff arrived for him yesterday. Now also in the bin.

Bastard.

Day 263

Long boring depressing Saturday.

I cancelled the house viewing I was meant to go to. I've stopped the email notifications of houses coming up for sale. I feel quite down about the whole thing.

And despite spending £100 at the supermarket last week I have nothing nice to eat which is even more depressing.