Day 236

I've not had a good day today. Sleeping with one eye open in fear of dog wee or worse is taking its toll on me.

I ended up getting up at 4.30 this morning. Nobody should be up at that time unless they're going on holiday! The instant I opened my eyes I had a migraine.

I suffered all day at work feeling sick and like my head was in a vice.

I am so tired.

My friend from work has got 3 viewings on his house today. I want to be pleased for him but also want to tell him to take his smugness and ram it!

To add to the days unpleasantness my shitty estate agent has suggested I drop the asking price of my house. He is so smarmy. I don't know if its the way I'm reading them but his emails all seem really condescending and I feel like "hang on, I'm the fucking client here". As I've and made noises all of a sudden somebody wants to view the house on Saturday. I don't feel like it's genuine, that they're just making it up. Don't they know how much effort goes into making a house presentable when you have 2 dogs and spend your evenings on your arse in front of the TV? If its not genuine I'll be furious.

Talking of which, the granny shagger has just text me.  (Grand) Motherfucker.

Day 235

I dreamt about him last night. I haven't done that for a long time. He was at the house, I asked him to stay. He agreed to a 30 day trial.

The mind is a very strange thing indeed. I remember feeling uncomfortable in my dream but I didn't when I woke up, which I guess is good.

My friend from work has put his house on the market today and already he has a viewing booked for tomorrow. I am happy for him but also resentful as it's not me. He'll have moved house and be decorating before I'm any further on.

My car was back at the garage today and another £250 that I don't have has gone down the drain.

I'm clinging on, still hanging in here. When will I catch a break?

Day 234

Food is becoming my enemy.

I've been friends with food for many years. It's always there for me. In times of sadness, anger or celebration I can always count on food being there.

Food is now outstaying it's welcome.

I am so bored. Day in day out is the same. The weekends are the worse. Because I get up so early during the week I can't sleep in at the weekend. By the time I've done my horses and walked the dogs I'm back home 11am at the latest. That's alot of time to be home alone on the sofa with food for company.

The last 2 weekends I have eaten an enormous amount of crap. Any weight I lost after my breakup and then brief ban on crisps is all put back on. I can't carry on like this.

Food, I love you but we have to stop this. It's me, not you. We're just not good for eachother anymore.

Day 233

Bored Bored Bored

I've watched crap films all day and eaten a takeaway.  This is not good for my mental well-being.

More of the same tomorrow no doubt.

Day 232

For the first time in over 200 days I forgot to post my Diary entry yesterday.

It must be the excitement of him not coming round this weekend to collect his things and cut off my internet. He did reply to text and his move "fell through".
God knows what he's up to.

It got my brain working overtime again. Is it because he's moving with her?  But actually I don't care. I was more relieved  that I could watch Netflix still than concerned about who he might be shacking up with.

Day 231

I've had to send him a message, I can't stand not knowing if he's coming to collect his stuff or not.

It's been at least 10 minutes and he hasn't replied!!

My poor old dog wet himself in my bed again last night so I hardly slept worrying about more accidents. I dont know what the solution is but its getting me down. I rush home from work each evening and the first thing I hear when I open the car door is him barking inside the house. My neighbours must be praying I find a buyer soon. 

Yesterday I made an appointment to view a house on Saturday. Today I had a phone call to say it's been sold already. And yet I have not had a single viewing still.

I need to stop stressing about it, there's nothing I can do. My main worry is that my parents are loaning me half the mortgage amount each month and I feel terrible about it.

I wonder if he'll bother to message me back!

Day 230

I was reminded by Facebook this morning that 3 years ago today we viewed our house and made an offer there and then. We were so excited. Now I can't wait to get rid of it.

Of course such an unpleasant reminder first thing in the morning started me off thinking.

What kind of person would ask their partner's opinion on their outfit, kiss their partner goodbye, be told to "have a good time", take their partner's car freshly filled with fuel for them so they dont have to stop on their way out, and drive off on the pretence of meeting workmates to play pool when in fact they're going to meet their married mistress.

My fiance thats who. A lying cheating sack of shit with no conscience who does not deserve to share this planet with decent human beings.

I would never encourage anyone to commit suicide but how that poor excuse can live with himself I do not know. It's not even just the sex thing...how did he have the nerve to make the first arrangements to meet with her "for coffee"? I guarantee he first started messaging her while sat in his pants on the chair opposite me. I don't know how he did it. I would have been so ashamed of myself.

But I guess that is the difference between a good person and somebody lacking any decent or morals.

If he does come round on Sunday I must under no circumstances show any weakness. I must not feel sorry for him and consider asking him for dinner. I must remember that he was my best friend and he lied to me for a year and that he had sex with somebody then came home and got into my bed.

He is vile and I am a better off without him.