Day 190

Just 10 days to go until day 200, the day I wanted to fast forward to so many months ago.

Am I in any better position? Well I'm not thinking about killing myself anymore so I'd say that's pretty good. If I could send a message to myself back then what would I say? The only thing I would have wanted to hear was that we were back together,
that he'd come back and I was safe. I couldn't hear any of the advice that I was given. I didn't want to hear it.

So yes I am in a far better place. I still have shit to go through but I am in a much healthier mental state to deal with it all.

Physically I am knackered. I had a day off work today to make a long dreaded call to my mortgage lender to explain the situation and ask for their reconsideration of the penalty. They cant reconsider but I have options available and I feel much happier.

I have spent the rest of the day "cleaning" the house. This entailed moving crap from one room to the next along with lots of shouting at the eternally underfoot dogs. The estate agent is coming at 11am tomorrow to measure and take photos so it'll be an early start as I have basically done bugger all today.

I didn't hear from my solicitor today who was supposed to email me when the signed paperwork arrived. I didn't contact her to ask as it was emotional enough speaking to the mortgage people, I didnt want to hear that it hadn't arrived.

I'm ashamed to say that I text him last night to wish him good luck at todays job interview. I wanted to be the better person but just felt like shit when he answered back saying thank you. Has he no shame? Now I know the paperwork hasn't arrived or probably was never sent I wish I'd sent him a horrible message reminding him to try and not come across as a dumby as they'll probably think he is just by looking at him. The sort of thing that would make him paranoid and mess up.

Bastard.