Day 176

I feel quite sad today.

Gavin was not only my fiance but he was my best friend. We didn't always get on but he was my person. The one I wanted to tell when there was something good happening or if I had some gossip.  I watched the new Star Wars film recently and I wanted to tell him how good it was. But I can't because he isn't anything to me anymore. I would love to have him as my friend again because it felt so natural even though I know now that was also a lie. I could never be friends with him now though.

I don't miss my fiance but I miss my best friend and for the first time in ages I'm crying as I type.

6 months ago today, a Friday night, we went after work to view a new stable yard to move the horses to. We discussed it after the viewing, about affordability etc. How very confusing for me that the following Monday, just 3 days later, he would tell me he doesn't love me and he's leaving me. That he's secretly rented a place and is moving out on the Thursday. This was 2 days before the world ended.

How he pulled it all off I still have no idea..I was totally clueless and in the dark. What a fool.

No wonder I was mess in those first few months. I have come such a long way emotionally, mentally. But it does still sometimes feel so raw.

I think the 5am start today and lack of crisps is getting me.