Day 180

The most exciting thing to happen to me today is the appointment made to have my oven cleaned at the weekend. This is not a euphemism.

I'm totally worn out. The early starts and long days are taking their toll. My old dog woke me at 3.15 this morning. Barking his head off as he'd obviously woken up and found himself all alone in the dark. The teddy I gave him is a poor substitute for his little old brother.

I really felt alone this evening while sitting at the dinner table by myself. I do the same thing every night but tonight I noticed how sad and pathetic I am. If he could see me now....Although I know I do actually look in a far better state than when he last saw me. Bastard.

Still no sign of the legal paperwork. I can't allow myself to stress over it any longer. I will just have to hope that he keeps to the agreement we've made. I have a partially signed document from him and his agreement in a text so I just have to get on with it.

I'm feeling quite anxious at the thought of moving. Property in my price range would take me into not very attractive areas and I'm not sure I really want to be stuck somewhere I don't like. I barely know the area I live in now. We moved here, to the city outskirts, as it was affordable compared with where we were staying at my parents house.  I can't afford to live here now.  Moving further into the city means I will be in a totally new area, alone. This frightens me. I'm 41 years old and I have lived alone for short periods after splitting up with boyfriends, like I am now, but have never properly lived alone. Never moved by myself with sole responsibilty.

Millions of people do it but it's new and I'm nervous.

I could really do with a nice lottery win.