Day 229

Everyday I think "today will be the day". But in 27 days I have had no requests to view my house.

I am getting really iritated by it now.

Day 228

More of the same.

Dogs horses work.

I left work an hour earlier than usual and got to the horses in daylight. It was so nice. I really enjoyed myself. Walking the dogs after was freezing. Its been a day of sunshine, rain, wind, hailsones and sleet.

I keep thinking about texting my ex. He's supposedly coming with man and van on Sunday to take his clothes...thank fuck finally..and furniture. But I've not heard from him for a few weeks. I want to know what the plan is and make sure he brings his own boxes and bags. When he was here a few weeks ago he went into the kitchen, my kitchen, and helped himself to a carrier bag. It felt petty so I didn't say anything but inside I was screaming "fuck you that cost me 6p motherfucker get your own bastard bags".

If I text him he may reply and I'll just be irritated. If he doesnt reply I'll also be irritated. So I've just talked myself out of texting him at all. Result. If he wants to come round he'll have to text me.

Day 227

I went to bed with a smile on my face last night after receiving a really kind message from somebody. Totally out of the blue for no reason other than they were kind and generous a virtual stranger offered me help.

I woke this morning and was smiling again to see this lovely persons husband had also messaged me.

So many people have been so kind and supportive to me and carried me through the worse experience of my life. Most of these people I will never meet, alot I don't even know their names.  It really is an amazing thing and I feel quite emotional thinking about it now.

The fact that strangers have been kinder to me than the man I thought I would be spending my life with has shown me that there may be someone out there for me when I'm ready. I had convinced myself that I had played it safe with him. He was a good guy and if even he could do this to me, then I could trust noone. But I have been shown that there are better people than him out there. He wasn't a good guy, he was just "a" guy. There are nicer kinder people out there.

And one of them might have my name on him. I just need to find him when the times right.

I've said it before but I'll say it again,  Thank you for supporting me. For reminding me of the good things when I'm having a wobble, for your encouragement when I feel there's no hope. For reading my words when I feel all alone. Thank you for getting me through this nightmare.

Day 226

Boring. My life is so boring. I'm stuck in purgatory. Or groundhog day. Just more of the same...

7 months later and I'm still in the same house. No further on with my life. At least I'm not thinking about topping myself anymore, although it might be a welcome relief from the inane boredom.

I turn 42 in August. I feel as though my life is passing me by. I cannot move on or consider any future while stuck in this bloody house.

I'm going out of my mind with frustration and stress from the permanently whiney senile dog.

How did I end up here?

Oh yes...poor choices! Very poor choices!

Day 225

Today started so well.

It was a beautiful morning. There was actual daylight and sunrise while I walked the dogs after seeing to the horses.  By the time I got to work the sun was shining and it felt like spring was in the air. Unfortunately it was pretty cold and my car heater has decided to die on the drive in but arriving at work half frozen still didn't dampen my spirits.

I had stopped at the supermarket with my payday excitement and bought some crap to entertain me for the weekend. Come Monday the cupboards will be bare but I'll worry about that then.

I decided I wanted to go back for a second viewing of the manky house I viewed weeks ago.  I initially disliked it as it needs alot if work doing to it but as time has gone on I've decided that it is so cheap that I could make it perfect for me and the dogs. I haven't been back as with no buyer for mine I'm not in a good position to negotiate. But I've been obsessing about it..picked the new flooring and wall colours in my head already. So today I decided to arrange a second viewing as it's the owner that shows the house, then I can have a good chat with her about things. I made the online booking and was so disappointed to get an email telling me it was already under offer. Why the fuck didn't they update their website? I've been looking everyday to make sure it's still for sale. I've been living a fantasy...literally.

So I'm down in the dumps. My dream house, albeit manky with no parking, is gone. No fucker wants to view my house. There's nothing remotely interesting on the market. Life is shit.

Day 224

I am so hungry.
I can't stop thinking about food. Its boredom.
Tomorrow is pay day. I'm excited I can go to the supermarket tomorrow.
I need to get a life. That won't happen until I lose weight.
Food is my friend and companion and always has been.
I need to make a better friend.

Day 223

More of the same.

I had to tell my sister sister today that I can't travel up to London next month for my nieces first birthday. I feel really guilty as she wanted me to go. She had offered to pay for my hotel and a dog sitter. The shame of it! It was so kind of her and I'm really not ungrateful, but I am very proud and stubborn and the thought of leaving my senile old dog makes me very anxious as he is suffering from terrible separation anxiety since he lost his brother.

Tomorrow Storm Doris hits. Heavy rain and 50mph gales are forecast for 6am when I'm alone in the dark at the stables in the morning.

I shouldnt have watched some horror films at the weekend as I've crapped my pants the past couple of mornings.

I've been getting up even earlier this week, 4.50am. To be fair I've been in bed at 9pm the latest every night so it's not such a big deal. It's not very sociable though and not much of a life.

I hope that's not how it's going to be for the next 10 years!