Day 49

I am so angry.

After house valuation and a call to the the mortgage company yesterday I am livid. In June, the month before he left, we signed up for a new 5 year fixed mortgage deal. At no point did he hesitate or suggest a shorter deal. I innocently signed us up and sent off the forms. As we are 2 months into a 5 year deal the penalty to pay the mortgage off early is £7340. Its going to cost over £10,000 to sell the house. That is all of the equity. Gone.

I was so angry last night I text him.

"So is going to cost over £10k to sell the house. Think what we could have spent £10k on to make us that much happier. A new kitchen and slate floor downstairs. Decent 4x4, gastric band, wedding and honeymoon.
Instead you chose to spend £10k to have sex with another mans wife in a Travelodge. She must be amazing to lose your family and all that money for. You idiot".

Unsurprisingly he didn't reply. I am so disappointed. Thought at least I would come out of this ok money wise. I will still have the deposit money put down on the house but this is heartbreaking.

The mortgage was due yesterday. I paid it as normal. Today is his pay day..no sign of any money from him yet. Has last nights text meant hes not going to pay this month?

I am so sad still. For weeks I've been convinced that I would have him back if he asked. I have now realised that I wouldn't. I know that the day it changed was the day I broke down and he didn't help me. That was the day he killed any chance of righting a terrible wrong. It is upsetting. I am disgusted with him.

He tried to blame things on me when he first told me, that it was my fault because I used to call him stupid. Well the facts don't lie do they?

He even gave me some advice that if I ever meet anyone else...watch what I say because my words are vicious, or words to that effect. I remember being so shocked that he would say something so ridiculous to me. I screamed at him not to give me relationship advice. That my advice to him would be not to have sex with a person that is not his partner. That his actions are far worse than my words ever could be.

For years I have supposedly been telling him he's stupid but not really meaning it. I can now officially say out loud, he is stupid, thick, an idiot. He has fucked up in a major way and thought he could give me dating advice.

What a dick.

I feel such an idiot still. It is me that is having to do all the explaining, all the work, the organising. It will be me that is inconvenienced by carpet fitters and gardeners and house viewings. All the while having his infidelity shoved in my face while he sits wherever he is, stress free, allowing me to suffer the consequences of his disgusting actions.

He is getting away scot free. No hassle, nice and easy for him. It is not right. And  now he hasn't paid the mortgage?

A few hours and two messages later he has paid. Thank god. I am so relieved and for all my bravado, really upset that he hasn't told me he's made a mistake yet.

I am the stupid thick idiot.

Day 48

Last day off work today. A man is coming to quote for new carpet so the house doesnt look so neglected when up for sale. An estate agent is coming later to give me advice on whether to bother with certain bodge job improvements or not.

He has messaged me to say he's "Sorry for everything he's done to me".

What an idiot. He's done far worse to himself. I am heartbroken and maybe I won't trust again but at least I know now that he's not who I thought he was and its not such a great loss maybe. Whereas he has to live with being a life destroying unfaithful cheat for the rest of his life. He will have no-one looking out for him. He might stay with the grandma but shes a cheat. He might meet soneone else. Maybe they're a cheat. If he can do It anyone can..and I hope they do to him.

He was my best friend and I wanted to be with him until I died. Now I will never see him again and even though I'm crying as I type this, I think I'm starting to be ok with that.

Day 47

Sun is shining, it's beautiful out.

I've been to see my horses this morning. I gave the dogs a bath. Had a drive over the moor. Hundreds of people everywhere. Couples, families. The only people by themselves are the cyclists..and me. Passed a pub we'd stopped at before. A few tears, feeling sorry for myself. Finished off with a dog walk in my favourite spot with the best view.

Life can go on I just need to concentrate on the good things. Life was good before he came along. It wasn't that great while he was here. And it must get better again, surely.

Day 46

More of the same.

Misery, wallowing in self pity. Dating websites are making me more depressed. Guys are interested, I'm really surprised. But I don't want to know. I can't face it. It feels like betrayal. But I am 100% free and single.

Went to the shops this morning. Saw a couple of ladies I know from the stables. I cried. It's clearly still not safe to leave the house. Home again and can't be bothered to do anything. Not even go and check on my poor horses or walk the dogs. I feel like opening the bottle of wine in the fridge and drinking it until I pass out. I dont drink wine so it won't take long . But I cant. Being drunk would lead to phone calls or me doing something worse. I must not lose control. It would be a slippery slope and I don't have the energy to climb back out of that hole.

What is he doing? Where is he? Does he think of me at all? I want to be gone from this house now. I love it. My safe place, my independence. But it is doing me no good. I am alone all the time and I cannot cope.

I wish he knew how I felt. What this is doing to me. He's playing with me.  Not making decisions, ignoring me. It is killing me. I have always had a strong exterior. He would have no clue what state I am in. I dont think he would care.

He is gone. Dead. I am a widow. My soul mate died suddenly 46 days ago and I think I will be grieving for the rest of my life.

Day 45

Why are weekends so hard? Yesterday was Friday. I was off work, fine until later on. Don't think I cried all day.

Today I wake up with the weight of the world on my shoulders. He is my first waking thought. I am close to tears. Feel like I can't face the day let alone the rest of my life. I am so very sad. How did this happen to me? I'm not a bad person. I think that I am kind and generous and trustworthy. I used to be funny back in the days when there was anything to laugh about. We argued alot. I have a vicious tongue. It is my shield and my weapon and I used it to protect myself many times. But that isn't enough to deserve this.

I don't understand. I must have been so awful for him to want to leave the security of having a kind, generous, trustworthy person who will love him until the day she dies. Really awful. So awful that I should be treated like a stranger. A nobody.

I don't like the weekends.

Is it because he's meant to contact me today? Probably. I very much doubt I will hear from him. He'll keep me dangling. The insignificant nobody.

I love my home. It was so hard for me to say out loud that I can't stay here. I can't believe he didn't care. It is my home. My safe place. It is full to the brim with all the treasures I have collected along the way.  And his belongings of course. I will not have room for it all wherever I end up. Just packing will be a mammoth task. Not a job to be done solo. It's going to be really difficult. Mentally as well as physically.

I hate the weekend. I hate my life.

Why was he on his message app at 4.45am? I am torturing myself. Will it ever end? I just want him to come home and this to have not happened. But he's slept with someone else. Told her that he loved her. Those were my words and he gave them to someone else. Why didnt I see it? No signs of guilt. Why wasn't he feeling guilty?

He is horrible, why am I wasting time and tears on this? I pray I will look back on this and cringe. That this won't be my life now.

Day 44

It's been a good day today. My first day off work..I don't go back for 5 days. I was concerned I would be lonely/depressed/upset. The sun is shining, it's boiling hot.
I went out to the horses this morning, did some shopping, got some headlights fixed at the garage, did some weeding in the garden. Lots to keep me busy.

It's 6.15pm now and I've only just thought about him. Which would be good except now I want to text him to tell him I miss him. I must not.

He's meant to contact me tomorrow to talk about the house as he was "busy" the other night when he accused me of "having his belongings and his dog". I wonder if I'll hear from him.

Day 43

I feel physical pain today. My stomach hurts. I am so desperate for a kind word from him. For him to tell me he loves me even if we can't be together.

He is so cold. Unpleasant messages from him last night. I have his belongings and his dog! He is confused. He left his belongings. They are waiting for him to sort, pack and collect them. He said it to me as though I'd taken them. Forced him out. I begged him to stay, humiliated myself. As for the dog...

We have three dogs. Two I already had and one we got when together. It's sad..the only dog that liked him, wanted to sit with him, followed him around is one of my old boys. He hasn't asked to see him or said he wants him. Not that I'd let him, but its sad. He and his brother will be 17 in a few months. He may not get a chance to see either of them again. He was their dad for a long time and just like me they are being erased.

This is so hard.

I ended up messaging that I love him still last night. I wonder how that makes him feel. Does he roll his eyes and swear? Does it make him question what he's doing? Does he laugh at me? Nobody has been in love with me that I havent loved back. Maybe one "boy" when I was a teenager but that doesn't count.

I wish I hadnt said it. Its just more power over me. I'm stupid.